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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I always thought If my wife ever cheated on me it would be a very clear cut decision. Leave. I never thought I would be...paralyzed is the best way to describe it. Not so much in fear, even though that is one of the feelings I am having but, also shock. I am currently sitting in a hotel room (work related) ten hours away from her and our home and I have no idea what to say, do, think, etc. I’ve been on autopilot since I found out yesterday afternoon. I have only spoken to her briefly and have not mentioned anything about what I know. My emotions are all over the place.

I guess some details are needed. We have been married for four years. I am 32 and she is 31. No children but recently made the decision to start trying. Obviously that’s going to stop. I was notified by the spouse of the guy she was cheating on me with. She provided a couple of pictures via text. One that showed them kissing at her car. The other of them coming out of what is apparently a motel room. She says she has a portable thumb drive for me if I want it. It has everything her investigator gathered that pertains to my wife. She wants to meet up and give me the drive and apologize in person for waiting for so long to come forward, as well as answer any questions I might have. She talked quite a bit but honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of it.
I need to leave for a work meeting and honestly I don’t have it in me to post the details of what I know right now but I will. Right now I just don’t know what I need. Other than sleep
 

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Welcome. Post as much as you can. It will help us understand how to help you. Be willing to accept the help. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Good on the OM's wife for deciding to contact you, particularly before your wife got pregnant.
 

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If your going to look at the thumb drive then please have a friend or a family member with you. You don’t know how you will react to the information gathered and some of it could be soul destroying.
 

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Shock..... reality altering shock. It’s going to be tough for a while. Logistical wise you are in a perfect situation with no kids and not being married long. If you stay with her prepare to maybe find out again in 10 or 15 years. At that point you will be VERY mad at yourself for staying.
 

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I'm sorry you're going through this. At least you will have evidence, so you know for sure. That will help you make a decision.

You came to the right place. Lots of understanding (and unfortunately, experienced) people here to talk with.
 

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Your battle is not the norm.

You did not need to send in scouting parties, or drones overhead.

The reconnisense has been done.

She is the enemy, without a doubt.

I do not envy you. You have to take down the love of your life.

Figuratively.

She fired the first shot, killing dead your marriage.
 

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All I can say is, we all react differently. It sound like you are in shock. An affair means that something is not right in the marriage. This might be a blessing before you had children, so that you can both decide that the best thing to do is to separate,...... or it could be that you acknowledge how you both have been behaving. I'm not trying to say that an affair is right in any way shape or form, but some lucky people can come back from this. However you need time to process.
 

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VintageRetro, we are here for you. The Wife of your WW's OM is an outstanding person who you may find to be a perfect candidate for your 2nd Wife. You may want to start having regular conversations with her, because you are likely the 2 who should have married, vs. your evil spouses - who deserve each other.

It will get better, trust us.
 

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Start reading other Threads in the Coping with Infidelity section.

You will get hard earned pointers that will prove to be invaluable.

Most here will advise divorce in your situation.

I concur.


King Brian-
 

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There is a massive difference in your case in that someone else has done all the work for you and that is very unusual.
Also you are fairly recently married with no children so far less divorce complications.
Of course none of these things take the awful pain and deep shock
of betrayal away, but they will hopefully make the next steps a bit easier.
Did the lady say what other info she has? Did she say how long it's been going on for or whether her husband knows that she knows?
Has the affair stopped and are the OM and his wife still together?
 

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All I can say is, we all react differently. It sound like you are in shock. An affair means that something is not right in the marriage. This might be a blessing before you had children, so that you can both decide that the best thing to do is to separate,...... or it could be that you acknowledge how you both have been behaving. I'm not trying to say that an affair is right in any way shape or form, but some lucky people can come back from this. However you need time to process.
An affair often doesn't mean something is wrong in the marriage. Some people just have no moral values or integrity and will cheat no matter what.
At least op has found out now before children and while he is still young what sort of woman he is married to.
 

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Here's the thing Dawg, despite the affair being 100% her fault there are still serious flaws in your marriage. Despite arguments to the contrary, willingness to cheat is a serious flaw in a marriage. Don't automatically think the marriage is worth saving. If the flaws are not resolved, it will happen again. When a woman cheats, she has a low romantic interest in her man. Hence, she has a low romantic in you and is willing to stab you in the back to "lay up" with another guy.
Since you've been notified by her FB's wife, I expect the cat's out of the bag with both of them and you'll likely be getting the, "I'm so sorry; it was just a one time thing" call. Bear in mind her FB's wife had a PI birddogging them which means these two love birds have been at it long enough to draw some serious attention from somebody. Sounds like the affair was hot and heavy enough to cause behavior that alerted the FBs wife that her old man was pumping another well and she put a PI on his azz.

You've got some serious decisions to make that's all on you. If it was me I'd go because I could never trust her again. You can accept that she is not trust worthy and work with it but you now know what she's capable of when she thinks she's not being watched. Consider to that if she's out doing other guys, she may already be looking for your replacement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Maybe I'm going crazy I don't know but I have been laughing my ass off. I saw where some of the members posting on here were using Tapatalk. Now I have not used Tapatalk in years. Not since I followed a particular sports forum. Anyway I set it up real quick. So during my quick meeting the notifications were going off to the point I panicked and shut my phone off.

I'm in the bathroom right now alternating between laughing and crying. I feel like I'm going insane. God help me.

The notifications are off now.. completely. No pop ups or sound. I'll get myself together and get my job done. It appears my trip here can possibly be wrapped up today or by lunch tomorrow. I originally was not planning on being home until Friday. If I finish early tomorrow I'll probably drive back at least half way and spend another night in a hotel tommorow night. I'm not really in a hurry to get home.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.
 

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It's a huge shock when you find out something like this. Instantly you must change your whole view of someone you thought was your loving, caring life partner, but who you now know to be a sickeningly evil monster - it's a HUGE shift to undergo. But better now than later. There is absolutely ZERO excuse for what she did, and you can never, ever trust her again.
 

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Instead of focusing on emotions like grief and anger, make an action plan:

1. Lock your bank accounts
2. Take your wife off of all life insurance policies
3. Remove her as beneficiary on all brokerage and retirement accounts
4. Cancel your credit cards
5. Hire an attorney

Your marriage is over. She isn't coming back and she won't be faithful.

You dodged a bullet by nor having kids with her.

And for you, there is life after divorce: men age like fine wine. Get into the best shape of your life, keep working hard, and get back out into the dating market. You are still young.

And whenever you feel bad about this, or betrayed, simply tell yourself: she wasn't the one, and she was a mistake. I won't make that mistake a second time.
 

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You will experience an incredible range of emotions in a very short time - totally normal. Breathe deeply and slowly. Fabricate a story about some bad thing that happened to a male colleague at work, so if she asks you what's wrong you can refer to that. Meet with the OM's W, have a heart-to-heart and co-plan your respective divorces if you want. You have a friend who is going through the exact situation with you.

And discuss burning your respective wayward spouses to the ground, it is cathartic.
 
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