Joined
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24 Posts
I've been having some trouble with my wife, we're both 32. I'd like to see a counsellor but she doesn't. Our arguments always follow the same formula, and she believes that I ignore and dismiss her feelings and that I don't listen to her. On the contrary, I do believe I listen to her and pay her lots of attention. I do all the cooking and cleaning around the house, I pay all of the bills, I work hard and she always has enough money for the things she wants, though admitedly she doesn't go on crazy shopping sprees or anything.
These are the steps our arguments follow:
She accuses me of something that hurts her, ie she thinks I'm not listening or I disagree with her.
She expects an apology immediately. "I'm sorry for not listening", even if I can recite all that she has just told me, proving that I am listening.
She will not enter into any discussion as to whether or not I was listening until I apologise.
Only when I apologise is she willing to entertain the possibility that I was listening.
My memory is above average, I can remember tiny details of stories that she told me years ago. Whenever this happens I protest my innocence and defend myself. I repeat to her, as best as I can, what she was saying.
This isn't good enough. She demands that I apologise for something that I clearly didn't do.
She is very high maintenance, not so much materially, but emotionally. She told me last night that the problem is that I 'seem to not be listening'. I can appreciate that this is her reality, but it is not mine. I can and have proved every time that I have been listening and paying attention. Perhaps she is misreading my body language or whatever. We don't even have TV, so it's not like I'm looking at a screen and nodding at her. This happens when we are walking in the mall, holding hands. I cannot physically look at her that whole time, I gotta walk and navigate around trash cans, kids, trolleys etc!
I said as a half joke 'Do you want me to look at you straight in the eye, hold your hand and stroke your hair every time you speak to me?'. Her reply? 'Oh my god, you're finally getting it'.
So what is it? Does she have unrealistic expectations of having my absolute and undivided attention at all times, or am I somehow being, as she calls it 'abusive', for listening to her while I glance around me or am eating, etc etc?
Thanks guys.
These are the steps our arguments follow:
She accuses me of something that hurts her, ie she thinks I'm not listening or I disagree with her.
She expects an apology immediately. "I'm sorry for not listening", even if I can recite all that she has just told me, proving that I am listening.
She will not enter into any discussion as to whether or not I was listening until I apologise.
Only when I apologise is she willing to entertain the possibility that I was listening.
My memory is above average, I can remember tiny details of stories that she told me years ago. Whenever this happens I protest my innocence and defend myself. I repeat to her, as best as I can, what she was saying.
This isn't good enough. She demands that I apologise for something that I clearly didn't do.
She is very high maintenance, not so much materially, but emotionally. She told me last night that the problem is that I 'seem to not be listening'. I can appreciate that this is her reality, but it is not mine. I can and have proved every time that I have been listening and paying attention. Perhaps she is misreading my body language or whatever. We don't even have TV, so it's not like I'm looking at a screen and nodding at her. This happens when we are walking in the mall, holding hands. I cannot physically look at her that whole time, I gotta walk and navigate around trash cans, kids, trolleys etc!
I said as a half joke 'Do you want me to look at you straight in the eye, hold your hand and stroke your hair every time you speak to me?'. Her reply? 'Oh my god, you're finally getting it'.
So what is it? Does she have unrealistic expectations of having my absolute and undivided attention at all times, or am I somehow being, as she calls it 'abusive', for listening to her while I glance around me or am eating, etc etc?
Thanks guys.