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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi. My wife stays home and 2 of our 3 children are home with her (oldest is in Kindergarten). The guy next door has become a buddy of mine (we’ll call him John for this forum), but the way he and my wife act together makes me very uncomfortable. I know that she is attracted to him and that’s fine—after all, we can’t control that, right?

I’ve talked with her twice now using “I feel” statements. i.e. “I feel unwanted when you ignore me when I get home from work because John is over and you’re talking to him. And “I makes me feel unimportant when you talk with John so much in the day, but won’t share with me in the same way.

We used to have a group text that became me, my wife and him and now he’s texting my wife, but she is mum or secretive about it.

She has been very defensive when I have expressed my feelings and blamed me for something unrelated for which I was guilty (I knew about a bad situation I was in at work and didn’t tell her until I had to change departments—I thought I was protecting her from worry, but should have shared what I knew—that a manager was trying to get me fired.


I wasn’t fired and career is still great.

Back to John—he is in sales and home a lot during the day while his wife is working his and kids are in school. He comes over to my house a lot (1+ times a week) while I’m not home and his wife is gone. I’ve been telling myself it’s fine because the kids are with her and nothing would happen..... but that is so the wrong reason to think nothing will happen, right?

I want to believe and trust my wife and I want her to have male friends, but this one makes me uncomfortable because he seems to have hee complete attention when we get the families together or when I come home and he’s there talking with my wife while my kids are playing.

They’ll talk and laugh and ignore me, then she’ll often be much less talkative and guarded towards me.

We’re away with John and his family this weekend and it is more of the same—he and my wife are flirting and every time I turn around it seems that they are together—sitting together—talking.

This would all be fine if my wife and I had a strong marriage with healthy communication, but we definitely don’t, although I am trying. I am the emotional and sexual pursuer. She has many emotional walls and sex is usually great, but very infrequent (18 times all of last year)

There was another time early in our marriage where she was out of town and went out to a club with friends (totally okay), but was drinking and got inappropriate dancing with her friend’s fiancé (just dancing). She came clean about that a few years later.

I am a good and attractive husband, but her heart seems to be leading her towards him over me when we are both present. I feel like I’m a kid again and my girlfriend is smitten with the popular guy. It sucks. I’m just so sad because I love my wife and want to show my children a strong, faith-based marriage.

Ive shared with her that these things are hurtful to me and still they continue.

I am going to have to talk to my wife about John again. What do I say this time?
 

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Its going to turn into a disaster ...... eventually.

Best to set boundaries up front. A man spending time in my house with my wife is a no go for me.

The thing to understand is that the further you let this go on ...... the more you are operating from the weak position. Your only further downgrading yourself in her eyes.

Strong action with your acceptable behavior being made well known ... what you will tolerate...and what you will not is the only way.

If she puts up a huge fight .... then you already know she chooses him over you. Plain and simple.

Stories just like yours have been told here MANY times .... your gut is telling you something. These stories never end well.

Prepare yourself.
 

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How does John's wife feel about her husband visiting with your wife alone every week while she's working and about the texting? If she doesn't care then you might have swingers on your hands. Just saying.

So that aside, you're probably going to have to end your friendship with John and his family if you have any chance of resolving this situation. Why in the world are you doing family weekends with him? Put a stop to all of that. They can be your neighbor but don't have to be your friends.
 

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How does John's wife feel about her husband visiting with your wife alone every week while she's working and about the texting? If she doesn't care then you might have swingers on your hands. Just saying.

So that aside, you're probably going to have to end your friendship with John and his family if you have any chance of resolving this situation. Why in the world are you doing family weekends with him? Put a stop to all of that. They can be your neighbor but don't have to be your friends.
Good point asking what the other wife thinks about it. She may not know if it always happens when she is at work.

I would say doubtful on the swingers, as real ones don’t tend to go after people in a cheating situation. If they do they are just called cheaters then, swinging or not.
 

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I think given the extent of the friendship (with everyone involved) it's going to be difficult to walk away or end it. Certainly your wife and John are not going to feel they need to end the friendship. I think you should have an honest and open talk with John first, telling him you don't want to ruin your friendship but he needs to be YOUR friend, not your wifes. Then talk with your wife the same way and tell her how things "appear" just as you have told it to this forum. Tell her you don't wish to be in the position you find yourself now and need her to reign things in.

I tell this to anyone who will listen...we all experience temptations in our lives, and NOBODY is immune from it. The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid putting yourself in a position that invites it. If you love your partner, it's never an issue to "behave" in a fashion that provides them security and peace of mind regarding the relationship.
 

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I have seen that same scenario played out that ended in affairs destroying the marriage...twice. Neighbors turned into friends turned into affairs.

The problem you have now is the more you push the deeper they will go under the radar, but push you must. You need to break up that friendship, your wife either recognizes how inappropriate and damaging it is or she ignores you. If she ignores you the marriage is doomed. I wonder how the guys wife feels about it, you may want to have a conversation with her.
 

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Ok there is no "nice conversation" that needs to be had with the neighbor. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he stays away from your wife, kids, and home. There is no friendship between you and him.

Talk to neighbors wife. Let her know this is way out of line.

Talk to your wife. Lay down the rules and the boundary lines. She either gets in line, or she can get out too.

In case you didn't know, the "once a week visit" is sexy time. And it is way more then once a week.

Sorry dude.

What you want to do about your marriage is up to you.
 

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You are away with this guy's family for the weekend. Great! Now, is the perfect time to initiate a conversation involving all 4 adults. Simply lay it out that you don't appreciate the bonding that is occurring between wife and ass hole. From now on you will be neighbors only and will expect them to respect your boundaries.

When you get home, check into a security system for the house with cameras that you can access remotely and vars for the house. Don't tell wife.

Please revise your thinking about male/female friendships - your wife can't handle them. You may think you're being oh-so sophisticated and cosmopolitan by allowing them; but, you're really enabling her.

Finally, it's time for you to establish some boundaries for your marriage. In short, there will be a new sheriff in town.
 

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Get the book not just friends give it to her. If you have to print out the worst stories from SurvivingInfidelity.com sit there while she reads it or read it to her. Tell her if she has an affair you will divorce her and never speak to her again. Put the fear of God into her. And I agree bring it up when everyone is together and then don't apologize for it. That is your wife!

Then don't chase her tell her to make up her mind and you will wait and see. And tell John to **** off. Pull him to the side and tell him if he has an affair with your wife you will cut his balls off.
 

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They’ll talk and laugh and ignore me, then she’ll often be much less talkative and guarded towards me.

We’re away with John and his family this weekend and it is more of the same—he and my wife are flirting and every time I turn around it seems that they are together—sitting together—talking.
My guess is it hasn't become physical - YET - because she is making no attempt to hide it.

I’ve talked with her twice now using “I feel” statements. i.e. “I feel unwanted when you ignore me when I get home from work because John is over and you’re talking to him. And “It makes me feel unimportant when you talk with John so much in the day, but won’t share with me in the same way."
I suspect this isn't working because you're being a little bit disingenuous there.
 

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Forget the “I Feel” statements. The only thing to “Feel” at this point is your foot in John’s ass as you punt him back across the property line.

As for the weekend away ... pack your **** and leave with your kids ... your W can stay or go with you.

Seriously, you tried to address this reasonably. Since that didn’t work it’s time to be unreasonable.
 
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