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Wife and I haven't had sex in eight years

16K views 66 replies 27 participants last post by  KanDo 
#1 ·
You heard it here first.

My wife had a hysterectomy around 9 years ago.
She would have sex with me once a week maybe but it was very painful for her so we cut down to once a month maybe. Then it just stopped.

I tried having sex with her afterwards but when I was getting off (You get bigger) and it seemed like I was raping her. I couldnt think about doing it again and she lost her sex drive anyway and seemed to me she acted like I would if I were asked to bake cookies. I can bake cookies, I would get it done but I would be thinking of something else to do while baking cookies.

I got extensive dental work done and started to snore which was keeping my wife awake. I slept on the sofa a lot so she could sleep the night. We didnt hold each other at night because the operation caused her to have hot flashes and therefore I couldnt hold her. (I heat up at night)

After a while I found myself buying a bed for our spare room and now that is where I sleep.

Four years after no sex I talked to her about it. She said that she wasn't interested in it any more and I started to desire wanting sex. I went on a business trip to Florida and found an escort and hired her for a couple hours in my hotel room. (No, it wasn't all that great) But, I had sex and I felt a weight off me and it was good to feel a woman again. I got home and told my wife, she said she wasnt surprised and said its ok. Its better than going without and she was ok with that. I could do it as needed.

Fast forward a bit I found a lover. FWB type thing. Yes, my wife was aware of it but as you know, it was hurting her. Emotions are what they are and I understood. A few months ago I stopped seeing her after speakinig with my wife. We tried to have sex again but it was worse than being with the hooker. She tried to have sex with me but I could tell she just wasnt into it. She said so afterwards and said she just lost the feelings for sex, not for me, but just for sexual desire.

Now my wife and I have been together for 22 years. I have always been open and honest with her in everything I do. We discussed me having a mistress, the whole deal. We are very much in love with each other and it hurts us because this may make us seperate. It hurts and I have no idea what to do.

She said if she could go back she would never have the operation. She blames herself and of course I tell her it is no ones fault. It just happened.

Well, she doesnt want to have sex, she doesnt want me to have sex and I want to. Either with her or someone else.
Remember, before you judge me and tell me I ****ed up. This was discussed and tried with a surrogate lover. So save the cheating rants.

I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.

Again, My wife and I love each other very much. We have never argued and we are best friends. Just more and more I feel like a room mate.

We are both 44 years old and no children.
 
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#2 ·
Perhaps roommates is exactly what you should be. You're hardly married any longer in the true sense of the word.

You don't mention divorce at all. Is it not an option? If you're wife never has sex with you again, what are you prepared to do? And what are you waiting for if eight years isn't sufficient?
 
#5 ·
Sex is not a "small part of life" for most people.

If sex was such a "small part of life" then you wouldn't even be here. You wouldn't have hired a hooker. You wouldn't have had a mistress. You wouldn't be resisting your wife's attempts to metaphorically castrate you.

Clearly sex is much more than a "small part of life for you".
 
#4 ·
Why would your wife's vaginal pain equate to a sexless marriage? There are plenty of ways to enjoy sexual interaction without penis-in-vagina sex. So the fact that your sex life, which was already low, went to nonexistent on the back of one sexual orifice becoming unavailable makes no sense whatsoever. Your wife stopped having sex with you for other reasons.

It's absurd that your wife now expects you to, at the age of 44 no less, kill your sexual existence to join her down a road of sexless bliss. It's unfair to ask, and cruel.

You need to get a divorce. You can still love your wife, and hell you can still live with her as a roommate if that works. Just because you end the marriage doesn't mean the love is null and void. Find a woman who fulfills you in every way, and keep your wife in your life as the best friend that she has become.
 
#10 ·
Maxwell,
Sorry, but your situation is effed up. Regardless if your wife agreed to you having sex outside the marriage, it was still cheating. It was a violation of the marriage "contract". Before you jump off the deep end and get bent out of shape with that comment, I will also say that her side of the "contract" has not been fulfilled. It is not unreasonable for a husband to expect sex from his wife. Your situation is a little different in that there is a physical cause for your wife's lack of libido. What has been done by you/your wife to address this?
You indicate that you don't want to sacrifice a 99% good marriage for just a 1% aspect of the marriage. The fact that you have gone outside the marriage twice and that you are even on this board tells me that sex is WAAAYY more than a 1% problem for you.
From your description, it sounds like you and your wife have talked and she realizes that this is a problem for you. Its good that she can at least recognize that. But now comes the hard part. Has she been medically checked out? What about her hormone levels? Does she WANT to have a libido again? Have you been to a counselor (individual or couple)?
 
#15 ·
I am aware what has been done. Honestly, your comments are unneeded as we both know what lines were crossed. So thanks for the worthless comments.

If you had read any other threads you will know that we have tried to go to doctors etc and they didnt work.

Don't mean to ride your ass about your comments but really, we know what I did and what she is not doing. So now that it is out of the way, thanks.
 
#11 ·
When you bring a third party into a marriage, that marriage has its days numbered. IMO, you either you accept that you will not have sex at all or hardly any, or you divorce and move on with a partner that fulfills your emotional and physical needs.
I believe if you stay in the present circumstances, it will only increase your resentment towards her, over time, to a point of killing the love you once felt for her.
 
#12 ·
I, like the others, think it's way more than a 1% problem. I'd estimate that it's at least a 1.62% problem, if you get my drift.

My wife had a hysterectomy in her 30's that did not eliminate her sexuality. It just eliminated the 28 day heavy negotiation cycle.
 
#16 ·
I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.
It's a lot more common than you think for various reasons and there are many on this board who are in a sexless marriage. Not by choice in most cases. This is the ultimate reason I will likely get divorced next year. It's something I refuse to live without.
 
#24 ·
I feel for you. You seem to love your wife very deeply. Honestly, your wife sounds severely depressed to me (depression can also be triggered by a hysterectomy). Has she given up on herself? Is she active? What is her life and demeanor like outside of her lack of desire for sex? It just sounds like she is given up in general. I don't say this to excuse her. I don't think what she has asked of you is fair. And I appreciate that your infidelity has been addressed, but do not minimize the impact it may have had on her, especially if depression is at the core of her problem. You may have just validated her feelings of inadequacy with your actions. So although forgiven maybe not forgotten type of thing.
 
#27 ·
Maxwell,
You and your wife both get high marks for trying to find a compromise.

Is it possible for your wife to get turned on by touch or oral? Can she masturbate to orgasm?

I fully understand the discomfort she has with a relationship - the fwb situation.

That said she cannot simultaneously claim to love you and demand your celibacy. If intercourse hurts, she absolutely shouldn't do it.

She can't demand celibacy because you are not ok with it. She can either find some type of sexual activity and frequency that she feels good about doing with you out of love, or she needs to accept that you will have non relationship based sex with other women.
 
#29 ·
Wow, I never really hear of other women agreeing their husbands sleeping with other women to be okay whether escort or not. However, going 8 years without sex is not okay either unless both parties are that LD and agree upon it. There are other things your wife could have done to relieve you in place of the prostitute. Maybe you discussed this and it didn't work. I don't have any advice, but if my husband ever has a PA/EA for whatever reason, I'm outta here in a flash. I'm not okay with infidelity. I think it's the biggest betrayal in a marriage.

I would find it very hard not wanting to please my husband(unless I'm sick). Not only with sex, but in all ways possible. I would imagine your marriage is over or going to be over in the future. You are living as roommates, not husband and wife. Good luck.
 
#32 ·
Again, You have this "OMG you ****ed someone else" stuck in your head. Get that out of your head. Most would leave but this was in fact discussed because she didnt want to fill that role.

Judging by your handle here I dont think you know what being in love is. She loves me so much that she is willing to try anything. We did try. She asked me to stop and i love her so much I did stop.
 
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#35 ·
Sounds to me like you've already made up your mind. You will have a sexless life from now on because you refuse to leave your wife over this. She has demanded celibacy from you and you won't divorce her, so you now either live a life of celibacy, or you DO cheat on her.

Which is it going to be???
 
#43 ·
Did she actually go through with taking the pills and/or cream for hormone replacement? Maybe being depressed she didnt.

Just dont see how taking the proper hormones at the proper level wouldnt help.

My best advice? Go to another doctor explain what you have here, and ask if hormone therapy of the right dosage could make her have sexual feeling greater than that of a robot.
 
#44 ·
I don't judge you for what you've done in the past to try to cope. I do think that what you're contemplating for the future is a mistake. In my mind there are only really 3 reasonable choices. Best choice is that your wife finds some way to be sexual. 2nd best choice is that you divorce. Last choice is that she continues to let you have a mistress. Perhaps a live-in mistress, poly thing. I guess my attitude is more of a 'put out or get out', 'use it or lose it' attitude.

Of course, we're only getting one side of the story. Your reaction to IILWMH on this thread shows a bit of your personality, so I do have to wonder how much of your wife's low drive has to do with that.
 
#45 ·
I am totaly different with people in real life.
I am amazed at people who but in on a thread only to tell me how much they are happy or dont read a post complete.

I am not here to be judged on what I did, what we did or what to do about it.
I am not asking if I should leave, stay or screw around on her.

I was asking if anyone was in this kind of situation and what happened. This I expressed over and over again in countless posts.

So again, have you been in this sort of situation or no?
No? Then honestly I have no idea why you are posting.

Has anyone? No, then I guess this is a useless thread and needs to be locked.
 
#53 ·
I want to commend your openness with your wife. I am sure it was hurtful and has been hurtful to her not to please you.

When a female doesn't have sex, often, she loses the momentum and sometimes the desire. Sort of if you don't use it you lose it!

I am thinking that coupled with the lack of hormones and lack of frequency the drive is nonexistent. I know for my fiance, his low testosterone decreased his drive. Once he began taking testosterone, he has regained his drive and stamina.

I would suggest going to another doctor...perhaps a female gyno or a specialist. Things change, opinions change but this is an important enough subject to try again!

Even with the hormone replacement.....it may take a bit to warm her up given the difficulties!

I applaud you for reaching out!
 
#54 ·
I think Maxwell is upset because he asked a specific question and a lot of people got judgmental about his actions/situation. However, if you post on a public forum, you have to be ready to hang on the public cross.

Maxwell... my wife had a discinct lack of interest with all sorts of excuses, yet when she knew I was leaving the marriage she suddenly found a lot of interest. Could it be that she isn't trying because she knows you are 99% happy and wouldn't leave?

The fact that she accepted your finding an escort leads me to believe she is afraid that you might actually leave. Can you leverage that into her trying harder to regain sexual interest? [not in a blackmail sense but in reality living in a sexless marriage will be difficult]
 
#58 · (Edited)
I just need to know if this (no sex for a long time) happened to anyone else and what was the result.
Yes. It happened to me: although not the way it happened to you. After the birth of our last child my LW went back to having 4 to 5 cigarettes a day, and then she turned 30. This magic combination forced her Gynaecologist to take her off the pill and put her on the six-month shot. She had a known, yet statistically rare side-effect to the shot. She didn't want to be touched - at all - and sex became out of the question.

When this first began we had different work schedules, and a new born in the house and we were both just exhausted. So, neither of us thought too much about our sex life for several months. Those months turned into a year... and then another, and another. I can't recall exactly when I began to realize that we hadn't had sex in months, it may have been in that first year. But I do remember that I really began to resent that six-month shot every time it came around. I tried to talk to her about it, but the paradox was that she had no interest in sex, so there was no incentive to find another option. So, that was that, and I just gave up on the idea of having sex again, and dedicated myself to making my family happy.

After nine years... her Doctor found her a new birth control option, and over the course of several months the drug in her system began to wear off. Somewhere after about four months, the years of pent up sex drive broke through the damn and I couldn't keep up.

I still can't keep up. She became so overwhelmed that she began disclosing all the various sex acts she engaged in during college and with her Ex. Things she'd never talked about before, and I still can't keep up. I'm not the same lover she had ten years ago. I'm not used to the way things were with us before the drugs... let alone her new super high sex drive.

So, yeah, it happened to me.
Yes, my situation is different.

How did I handle it during the cold years? You just buckle up and do what you promised you'd do. Marriage, to me, isn't about sex. Sure, it can be a benefit, but the relationship and the vows I took mean something. Sickness and in health...

Did I think about stepping out? Sure, a couple of times, but I only ever thought about it. I couldn't have done it. I think I would had a lot of trouble doing that, even if I had her permission.

What should you do? Besides Love your wife?
I don't know what to say. (I should also include: ignore many of the opinions of posters here - they attacked me with identical veracity when I explained my experience. For the kind of guy that puts his promise ahead of his penis, it's a really rough room.)

I am sure that your wife is as upset about losing her lover, as you are about losing yours. Keep talking, keep those doors of communication open, and be positive! You can find a solution if you have the will to do so.
 
#59 ·
How did I handle it during the cold years? You just buckle up and do what you promised you'd do. Marriage, to me, isn't about sex. Sure, it can be a benefit, but the relationship and the vows I took mean something. Sickness and in health...

Did I think about stepping out? Sure, a couple of times, but I only ever thought about it. I couldn't have done it. I think I would had a lot of trouble doing that, even if I had her permission.

What should you do? Besides Love your wife?
I don't know what to say. (I should also include: ignore many of the opinions of posters here - they attacked me with identical veracity when I explained my experience. For the kind of guy that puts his promise ahead of his penis, it's a really rough room.)

I am sure that your wife is as upset about losing her lover, as you are about losing yours. Keep talking, keep those doors of communication open, and be positive! You can find a solution if you have the will to do so.
:iagree: Mr. Vanilla, I want to say thank you, but it almost feels like it's not enough. It's just so nice to hear these words and I am sure your sentiment is shared by other men here (though clearly not all). Your wife is very lucky to have you, as I am sure you are lucky to have her.

And thanks for pointing out that OP's wife has also lost so much throughout this process. I think that the OP's reaction to this thread is very telling of what occurs when he does not get his needs met. And I'll say it again, Maxwell if you really want to understand and change your situation, take a long hard look and how your actions contributed to where you are at. Otherwise, you may never get your lover back. This has become more than just a physical phenomenon.
 
#61 ·
Brace yourself. The person who initiated this post is going to complain that he already answered that question in a different post.
Plus, if you are not in the same situation has him, most likely, he will dismiss or minimize your comment.
 
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