Talk About Marriage banner

1681 - 1700 of 1723 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,278 Posts
No kids, but are in the middle of doing fertility stuff. Oddly enough, we're not really "trying naturally" any more, just focused on the IVF treatments. Married almost 7 years. That kids could be involved soon is the reason for my sense of urgency.
From 2012...

I couldn't exactly remember the details. BFF you dodged a massive freight train while stuck on the tracks brother. 2018... good news abounds, leave her memories like a bad habit.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,120 Posts
Time for my not quite annual check-in to let all that helped me here or those who found some inspiration from my recovery know that things are going GREAT! My boy is 3 and a half and is a complete joy. My wife and I are hoping for a second kid but feel absolutely blessed with one, so not stressing about it.

I've made it several months past filing my first tax return after the alimony period ended, so I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear now and there won't be one last attempt by the XW (or her attorney) to mop up any $$$ from me. XW has taken OM's surname, so now I don't have to have her out there running around with my name. That makes me pretty happy.

For those of you on Karma Bus watch, OM totaled his race car a few weeks ago. Have no idea if he's building another. Either way, that alimony $$$ must be running out fast.

bff
Great to hear from you!
I remember your posts from the beginning, although the details are a little fuzzy with time. I remember fertility issues were an issue with the ex.

Sadly, so many people who helped you back then--- keko, entropy, caribbean man, shaggy, jelly beans, old wolf 57, aug, etc.--- no longer post here. I think they would have liked to hear your updates.

At least MattMatt is a constant here!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
433 Posts
Nope, she doesn't see that. From her perspective, she or her daughter can't be wrong, hence it has to be bff. Hence the whole "what have you done to make her cheat" rhetoric.
You hit the nail directly on the head snap; She's shifting the blame from her daughter onto BFF. I don't believe she's a good person at all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
You hit the nail directly on the head snap; She's shifting the blame from her daughter onto BFF. I don't believe she's a good person at all.
Check the time/date stamp on the post you quoted.
 
  • Like
Reactions: bff

·
Registered
Joined
·
315 Posts
I look forward to the OM and your xwife divorcing. That's what the f I look forward to. Your story was the first I read on this site and remains the one that bothers me the most even after having read hundreds. Maybe because it was the first, but it still bothers the hell out of me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,110 Posts
Just a word of caution from someone who lost his ex fiancé and ex girlfriend to a friend. EA easily turn into more. All it took the first time was me being away for combat duty and for the second time, an argument where she found a sympathetic ear in my friend. Guys often will side with females because you know what they are hoping for and I do not care who the guy is. Given an opening, pardon the pun, a guy will swoop in or the woman will make the first overture. I learned my lesson and my wife of 46 years did not have any male friends as I had no female friends. We went out with other married couples and did not text, call or otherwise interface with members of the opposite sex.

I was in an EA a few times and had sex with the women a long time ago before I got married. Two were married, one specifically separated from her husband to be with me and one was engaged. After I married I avoided EA's since they always led to sex with me. We are genetically wired to view the opposite sex as potential mates. That does not mean we have to act on the attraction. However, once emotions come into play, we humans tend to make bad choices.

This may sound weird but my wife and I both know he best friend since we were kids. She came from a dysfunctional and cold family who showed her no love. She married an alcoholic and had a kid with him. She often stayed with us for a weekend or two each month and we provided her with support. Once I told her that I loved her and she cried since she never felt loved. My wife also provided her with emotional support and before long we became he family, moved her into our home after she divorced her ex and she became a part of our marriage for 30 years. My wife and I both loved her and loved each other so why not. Turned out that our girlfriend had dated women before and my wife was fantasizing about sex with her BFF so we went for it and it was perfect.

For both me and my wife, emotions come before sex and often lead to sex. We have had sex with everyone of our friends that we felt emotionally bonded got in either a wife swap, foursome or threesome. I am married 46 years. My wife and I have full access to each other's electronic devices. Yet we do not snoop. However since my career was in IT I maintain all of my wife's devices as I did today so I could see her emails and texts. She had my password for all of my devices too and never looks. Knowing what we know about how emotions can easily lead to bad decisions, we do not have male or female friends of the opposite sex. My wife complains about me to her married female friends and I do the same with my male friends. No one gets in trouble that way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,542 Posts
Sadly, so many people who helped you back then--- entropy, caribbean man, shaggy, etc.--- no longer post here. I think they would have liked to hear your updates.
I miss those guys!!!! :|

Thanx for the updates bff! Glad you're doing ok! :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
315 Posts
Just a word of caution from someone who lost his ex fiancé and ex girlfriend to a friend. EA easily turn into more. All it took the first time was me being away for combat duty and for the second time, an argument where she found a sympathetic ear in my friend. Guys often will side with females because you know what they are hoping for and I do not care who the guy is. Given an opening, pardon the pun, a guy will swoop in or the woman will make the first overture. I learned my lesson and my wife of 46 years did not have any male friends as I had no female friends. We went out with other married couples and did not text, call or otherwise interface with members of the opposite sex.

I was in an EA a few times and had sex with the women a long time ago before I got married. Two were married, one specifically separated from her husband to be with me and one was engaged. After I married I avoided EA's since they always led to sex with me. We are genetically wired to view the opposite sex as potential mates. That does not mean we have to act on the attraction. However, once emotions come into play, we humans tend to make bad choices.

This may sound weird but my wife and I both know he best friend since we were kids. She came from a dysfunctional and cold family who showed her no love. She married an alcoholic and had a kid with him. She often stayed with us for a weekend or two each month and we provided her with support. Once I told her that I loved her and she cried since she never felt loved. My wife also provided her with emotional support and before long we became he family, moved her into our home after she divorced her ex and she became a part of our marriage for 30 years. My wife and I both loved her and loved each other so why not. Turned out that our girlfriend had dated women before and my wife was fantasizing about sex with her BFF so we went for it and it was perfect.

For both me and my wife, emotions come before sex and often lead to sex. We have had sex with everyone of our friends that we felt emotionally bonded got in either a wife swap, foursome or threesome. I am married 46 years. My wife and I have full access to each other's electronic devices. Yet we do not snoop. However since my career was in IT I maintain all of my wife's devices as I did today so I could see her emails and texts. She had my password for all of my devices too and never looks. Knowing what we know about how emotions can easily lead to bad decisions, we do not have male or female friends of the opposite sex. My wife complains about me to her married female friends and I do the same with my male friends. No one gets in trouble that way.
Bolded above......Either women are unbeleivably naive to this fact or they pretend they don't know. It's probably the latter, as I can't believe there would be that many clueless women in the world. Men can see when all they have to do is LISTEN and agree, and in time, they got the pxxxy.

Very high probability rate and it's in this scenario when it's easiest to hit a homerun. Don't have to spend much money, quality time or anything. Just listen to their problems, pretend to be in disgust when the woman is talking about the things their significant others are doing wrong and in time,............ta! ta!!! Bingo....the prize is yours.

I found out about this in college purely by happenstance. I was very shy and befriended girls who found me approachable and mature. I lived in a co-ed dorm. Next thing you know, they're coming to my room to talk. I was so clueless, I still thought that's all they wanted to do, until one came in a nightgown after 11:30. It then hit me. I was being rewarded for listening.

I mistook it because my initial thoughts were, I didn't say or do anything to warrant female interest, when in fact I did and didn't even know it. I listened, talked and didn't ask for anything in return. In time, they let me know I was there's for the asking. In fact, I normally didn't even have to ask, they let it be known. They ALL had boyfriends. I discontinued after college, as I was experienced and surmised that I was taking advantage of emotionally weakened women, regardless if they were the aggressors or not. It was too easy and I began to feel as though I was taking advantage of their vulnerabilities.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Bolded above......Either women are unbeleivably naive to this fact or they pretend they don't know. It's probably the latter, as I can't believe there would be that many clueless women in the world. Men can see when all they have to do is LISTEN and agree, and in time, they got the pxxxy.

Very high probability rate and it's in this scenario when it's easiest to hit a homerun. Don't have to spend much money, quality time or anything. Just listen to their problems, pretend to be in disgust when the woman is talking about the things their significant others are doing wrong and in time,............ta! ta!!! Bingo....the prize is yours.

I found out about this in college purely by happenstance. I was very shy and befriended girls who found me approachable and mature. I lived in a co-ed dorm. Next thing you know, they're coming to my room to talk. I was so clueless, I still thought that's all they wanted to do, until one came in a nightgown after 11:30. It then hit me. I was being rewarded for listening.

I mistook it because my initial thoughts were, I didn't say or do anything to warrant female interest, when in fact I did and didn't even know it. I listened, talked and didn't ask for anything in return. In time, they let me know I was there's for the asking. In fact, I normally didn't even have to ask, they let it be known. They ALL had boyfriends. I discontinued after college, as I was experienced and surmised that I was taking advantage of emotionally weakened women, regardless if they were the aggressors or not. It was too easy and I began to feel as though I was taking advantage of their vulnerabilities.
Women in their 40’s are as easily fooled as they are in their 20’s. I busted a married preacher last year that had been using his position to take advantage of vulnerable women for 8 years. My wife being his last. He got what he deserved. We have a married sheriff and principal pulling the same shenanigans on other local married women. They will get busted before long. Yes, I know their poor decisions are mutual and the women suffer the consequences too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,029 Posts
Women in their 40’s are as easily fooled as they are in their 20’s. I busted a married preacher last year that had been using his position to take advantage of vulnerable women for 8 years. My wife being his last. He got what he deserved. We have a married sheriff and principal pulling the same shenanigans on other local married women. They will get busted before long. Yes, I know their poor decisions are mutual and the women suffer the consequences too.
The truth is women like this pray on men who think of them like children, to stupid or naive to know any better. These are the men they marry and who they know will stay with them after they treat them like garbage. They know they just have to shed some tears and pretend that they were fooled and too stupid to know any better and there knight and shining armor will forgive them. It's a continuing dynamic that is usually present at the start of the relationship. Extramarital affairs are just the apex of that dynamic.

The truth is they know exactly what they are doing and enjoy every minute of it, they also know they can play innocent and gullible to get away with it. No one is "fooled" into infidelity unless they are mentally retarded. It feels good while they are doing it, damn the consequences or who they hurt. The only ones who are naive are the men who stay married to them, thinking the whole time that they were too innocent to know what they were doing.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
265 Posts
Discussion Starter #1,694
I look forward to the OM and your xwife divorcing. That's what the f I look forward to. Your story was the first I read on this site and remains the one that bothers me the most even after having read hundreds. Maybe because it was the first, but it still bothers the hell out of me.
She's already gotten what she deserves - the POS OM. They live a pretty isolated, sad existence. Material possessions are the only true "love" either of them have. When the money runs out (and it will!!) they will head for the rocks and FAST. I don't care what happens to either of them or their relationship, but there's a tiny part of me that would love to see her have to pay him alimony.

bff
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,598 Posts
It's because they are looking for "things" to make them happy. They'll search in vain but never find it because they have no soul. It's and endless cycle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
I read through this thread. @bff, I am really impressed how you took the high road through all this and I am happy that things turned out great for you.

I do think there are other lessons here though. It is on us as men to set the tone and to set the boundaries in our relationships. Very often if we do not do so, then the woman in question will rationalize her atrocious actions (or early on, her "questionable" actions as she slides down the slippery slope into an EA and then later on into a PA) with "oh he must not really care about me". There were a lot of signs along the way that something was not right long before D-day.

I'm not justifying your xWW's actions, not at all. I am not justifying her GIVING HERSELF PERMISSION to cheat. It sucks that California is a no-fault divorce state, people who cheat do not deserve alimony. That said, I am not sure I can agree 100% with the mindset that all cheaters are "broken". I think instead it is this--women tend to be externally-validated creatures--and they tend to look to us to set the tone. And if we don't do this, then they are prone to stepping out. The self-aware ones get this and are better at setting boundaries, but well, most people aren't that self-aware.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,029 Posts
The truth is women like this pray on men who think of them like children, to stupid or naive to know any better. These are the men they marry and who they know will stay with them after they treat them like garbage. They know they just have to shed some tears and pretend that they were fooled and too stupid to know any better and there knight and shining armor will forgive them. It's a continuing dynamic that is usually present at the start of the relationship. Extramarital affairs are just the apex of that dynamic.

The truth is they know exactly what they are doing and enjoy every minute of it, they also know they can play innocent and gullible to get away with it. No one is "fooled" into infidelity unless they are mentally retarded. It feels good while they are doing it, damn the consequences or who they hurt. The only ones who are naive are the men who stay married to them, thinking the whole time that they were too innocent to know what they were doing.
I wanted to expand on this thought but didn't want to thread jack so I started a new post. So here is a post that no one asked for. ha ha.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
265 Posts
Discussion Starter #1,698
I read through this thread. @bff, I am really impressed how you took the high road through all this and I am happy that things turned out great for you.

I do think there are other lessons here though. It is on us as men to set the tone and to set the boundaries in our relationships. Very often if we do not do so, then the woman in question will rationalize her atrocious actions (or early on, her "questionable" actions as she slides down the slippery slope into an EA and then later on into a PA) with "oh he must not really care about me". There were a lot of signs along the way that something was not right long before D-day.

I'm not justifying your xWW's actions, not at all. I am not justifying her GIVING HERSELF PERMISSION to cheat. It sucks that California is a no-fault divorce state, people who cheat do not deserve alimony. That said, I am not sure I can agree 100% with the mindset that all cheaters are "broken". I think instead it is this--women tend to be externally-validated creatures--and they tend to look to us to set the tone. And if we don't do this, then they are prone to stepping out. The self-aware ones get this and are better at setting boundaries, but well, most people aren't that self-aware.
Agree ^^^^^ Somewhere inside these 1,500+ posts in this thread someone recommended the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. While it is horribly named and a little tough to read at times given some of the explicit sex stuff, I believe it should be required reading for EVERY YOUNG MALE in the entire world before they're allowed to start dating in earnest, certainly before they're allowed to marry. That book reads like the story of everything I did wrong in my relationship with my XW. I don't think my XW is broken. I think she's incredibly selfish. But I also know that I played a part in setting the context for what happened.

bff
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,217 Posts
Agree ^^^^^ Somewhere inside these 1,500+ posts in this thread someone recommended the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. While it is horribly named and a little tough to read at times given some of the explicit sex stuff, I believe it should be required reading for EVERY YOUNG MALE in the entire world before they're allowed to start dating in earnest, certainly before they're allowed to marry. That book reads like the story of everything I did wrong in my relationship with my XW. I don't think my XW is broken. I think she's incredibly selfish. But I also know that I played a part in setting the context for what happened.

bff
Bff, if you mentioned this, I must have missed it.

What ever happened to the adoption baby and mom? Did you go through an agency and the agency helped reassign the adoption to new parents? Or did you speak to the mother about the impending divorce yourself? Do you know what became of the baby who was almost yours?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
265 Posts
Discussion Starter #1,700
Bff, if you mentioned this, I must have missed it.

What ever happened to the adoption baby and mom? Did you go through an agency and the agency helped reassign the adoption to new parents? Or did you speak to the mother about the impending divorce yourself? Do you know what became of the baby who was almost yours?
Not sure I ever provided that level of detail. My XW called the agency. We were still early in the process and were just planning our first visit to meet the birth mother in person. So, we didn't really have a relationship with her, yet. I have no idea what happened beyond that. Given how hard it is to adopt, I'm sure in less than 48 hours they had another adoptive couple lined up.

bff
 
1681 - 1700 of 1723 Posts
Top