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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My story probably starts like a lot of others. The signs have been there for a long time but I chose to ignore them because I'm confrontation averse and was in denial. But, I'm now sure my wife and my best friend have been having a secret relationship - no evidence (yet) of anything physical - for several years.

We spend a lot of time together (wife, friend, me) with groups of friends, so it's always been obvious to me that they are close with each other. I guess I never really understood how close. I won't go into all the details of the things that tipped me off, but I got that "6th sense" that they were talking with each other when I wasn't around.

After suspicion got the best of me, I finally took the time to dig around and found her cell phone bills. She and my friend have been talking about 5-6 times PER DAY for at least the last year. That's all the phone bills I was able to find. Who knows how long it has been going on. I see lots of calls that correspond with the time she's commuting to work and when she's at lunch. I looked at some times when I called her, and I was able to see that I interrupted her call with him, then as soon as she and I were off the phone, she called him right back. Neither of them will ever call the other when I'm present, so they are clearly concealing their conversations from me.

My job takes me to conferences all over the country for a week at a time once or twice a month, and I can see that when I've been out of town, many of the calls are later in the evening. Not sure if that is evidence that he's NOT coming over?? Wishful thinking, perhaps.

So now I'm not sure what to do. I think the first thing I have to do for my own sanity if figure out if there's a physical part to this relationship. How do I do that? Hidden camera? Hire a PI? I'm not sure I could afford that.

Of course, I'm already thinking ahead to what I'll do whether I do or do not find any evidence of physical contact. This guy is (was?) my best friend. Between her and him, they are pretty much my whole world. We run in the same social circles, so cutting them off would be a big mess.

edited to add: BTW, all the other normal signs of an affair exist, too. Secretive with phone, spending more time online, sex trailed off considerably, seems more distant and so on and so on.

Any thoughts on where I should go from here?
 

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Is it just phone calls? Have you been able to look at text messages or emails? Any kids? How long married?

VAR in the bedroom plus any room you think she would be likely to take his calls and definitely one in her car.

Edit to add: Key logger on her computer. What type phone does she have?
 

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Double betrayel, sorry to hear bff.

Are you curently in your house or away on conference?

Try placing a VAR(voice activated recorder) in her car to listen to the conversations they're having.

Which phone is she using? You might be able get texts(deleted or not) from her phone.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Just phone calls that I have found out about. Text message app is set to not save history for just his number (I snuck a peek at her phone when she forgot it when going to the gym). I don't know her email password, so I haven't tried looking at email.

No kids, but are in the middle of doing fertility stuff. Oddly enough, we're not really "trying naturally" any more, just focused on the IVF treatments. Married almost 7 years. That kids could be involved soon is the reason for my sense of urgency.
 

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Before anything, cool yourself. Dont confront WITHOUT evidences.

Now act normal.

You should first try to get the texts from her mobile phone. There are software to do that.

VAR in her car would give you more info.

Hang on here. People will chime in to give further advise.
 

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I think you will find out a lot of info if you use a couple of VARs where you know she calls him from, especially her car and in the house.

Do not confront ortip your hand until you have hard evidence and know the full extent of the affair.
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Keylogger on the comp mate.This will help you retrieve passwords and the emails subsequently

VAR is her car, under the driver's seat. Use heavy duty velcro to secure it in place. Keep a VAR in the bedroom and near the telephone too(keep it hidden).

And keep the IVF treatments going, and play dumb for now.


What do you propose to do once you have enough evidence?
 

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Before anything, cool yourself. Dont confront WITHOUT evidences.

Now act normal.

You should first try to get the texts from her mobile phone. There are software to do that.

VAR in her car would give you more info.

Hang on here. People will chime in to give further advise.


Seriously good advice...go ninja...and keep emotions out for now.
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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks for the quick replies and advice, everyone! I did a little web reading before posting here and acting normal is consistent advice. As much as I want to confront them both right now, I do realize that this would kill all hopes of ever getting to the truth about whether it got physical. It sounds like hearing what they are saying is the next best step.

Thanks again for the support. Just saying this out loud (virtually) is a big step and a huge weight that I have been carrying around on just my own shoulders.

The friend has a girl that he lives with, but I don't know her very well. When we all hang out, she's rarely a long.
 

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1) read the newbie link in my signature, get familiar with affairs and the terminology
2) go to walmart or best buy, get at least 2 VAR's. Place one with heavy duty velcro under the seat of her car. Place an another in the home where you think she would make calls or have booty calls.
3) download a keylogger
4) tell us what kind of phone she has, perhaps we can help with getting to those texts
 

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VAR.

Calling patterns identical to my H's, he was in a long term affair with a former coworker.

Wish I had known about VARs! I caught him initially but they got back together behind my back. A VAR for just a week would have busted it wide open, but it never occurred to me.

Also get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP, you need to learn about the power of infatuation. She was a leading infidelity reasearcher and the book is very detailed and excellent.

Do NOT confront too early and never disclose your sources.
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1) read the newbie link in my signature, get familiar with affairs and the terminology
2) go to walmart or best buy, get at least 2 VAR's. Place one with heavy duty velcro under the seat of her car. Place an another in the home where you think she would make calls or have booty calls.
3) download a keylogger
4) tell us what kind of phone she has, perhaps we can help with getting to those texts

Read, plan and then when you have secured the evidence expose to his wife/family/parents then confront your wife.
 

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Just phone calls that I have found out about. Text message app is set to not save history for just his number (I snuck a peek at her phone when she forgot it when going to the gym). I don't know her email password, so I haven't tried looking at email.

No kids, but are in the middle of doing fertility stuff. Oddly enough, we're not really "trying naturally" any more, just focused on the IVF treatments. Married almost 7 years. That kids could be involved soon is the reason for my sense of urgency.
Keyloggers and VARs for sure. App is set to delete history for his number only? :confused::mad: Big red flag!! This is a definite confirmation that something inappropriate is going on since she is making efforts to hide only their text history.

OH - Stop the treatments and definitely stop trying to have kids with this woman until you find out what is going on. If she turns up pregnant now - you are going to wonder if the child is yours.

You never said - type of phone? If it is an iPhone - there is a method to recover a back-up file that stores all text history, deleted or not.
 

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Keyloggers and VARs for sure. App is set to delete history for his number only? :confused::mad: Big red flag!! This is a definite confirmation that something inappropriate is going on since she is making efforts to hide only their text history.

OH - Stop the treatments and definitely stop trying to have kids with this woman until you find out what is going on. If she turns up pregnant now - you are going to wonder if the child is yours.

You never said - type of phone? If it is an iPhone - there is a method to recover a back-up file that stores all text history, deleted or not.
NO!!,Don't stop the treatments(delay it) and don't change your sex life drastically , wear a condom maybe. Gather enough evidence about her affair before you take serious action. You do something drastic and they'll be on to you.
 

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NO!!,Don't stop the treatments(delay it) and don't change your sex life drastically , wear a condom maybe. Gather enough evidence about her affair before you take serious action
AK - you're right.

Don't do anything out of the ordinary that would alert them to your suspicions.

Sorry - got carried away.
 

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Aldo get contact info for the OMs gf like her cell number so when you do expose you can reach her.

You can also consider a GPS tracker on your wife's car.
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