Wife almost never in the mood

7748 Views 16 Replies 16 Participants Last post by husbandfool, Dec 8, 2012

aparker2005

Discussion Starter · Dec 1, 2012

Hey everyone. My wife and I have been married for 6 months now. Before we got married, sex was not an issue. It was always hot, different, and multiple positions.

Since we've gotten married, it's almost stopped. We only had sex once per night on our honeymoon! She has lupus and fights it a lot. I understand that. Her job is very stressful as well. She stopped smoking almost a year ago and I just found out she's started up again. I asked her about it and she lied to me, and I of course was mad for a day or 2 about it and she said that's another reason why she's not in the mood.

She says she's stressed all day at work and then comes home to more stress. We went to have sex last night and she told me she didn't want to give or receive oral, no doggy style, etc. I told her she was killing my mood by telling me all the "no"s before we even started and I didn't even want it then.

She says doggy hurts now and oral isn't the best. She says my facial hair hurts and she almost thinks its rather nasty now since that's where we pee out of. I told her I think if we use more lube and maybe not go at it so hard it won't hurt as much and she said we'd see.

I'm so confused because last week she gave me road head and had no problem. I ask for sex all the time because I hardly ever get it and she says it turns her off. If I don't ask for it, it's sometimes 2 weeks between a one time session.

I've shutup about the cigarettes and I just don't know what to do. Our sex life completely sucks. Anything I can do to help her out?

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Inquisitive

· #2 · Dec 1, 2012

Perhaps she's depressed and is taking it out on you? Sometimes people look at their environment and others and never realize the first place one needs to address is the self.
I do know from experience that by insisting on more sex it will happen less and less. Perhaps you should consider sitting down with her and having an open discussion about all of her frustrations and whatever else seems to upset her. I think you should do the same about your own frustrations that might be affecting her.
She needs to understand you don't read minds and that you too are affected by her frustrations.
And as hard as it is, don't take her sexual discomfort too personally. Pain during sex (as an example) is a physical side effect to stress and illnesses.

Point is, once the problems are identified and dealt with (or compromised fairly), you two can be on the right path to satisfying each other.

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jaquen

· #3 · Dec 1, 2012

Do you have any reason at all to suspect that she might be cheating on you?

Did the sex literally take a huge nosedive the week you were married? If so, you're likely involved in a classic "bait & switch" situation.

What about your part? After getting married did YOUR behavior change? Did you become less attentive to her needs and desires? These things don't always happen in a vacuum.

There is also the chance that she didn't realize until after she married that she didn't really want to marry you. It happens unfortunately.

More details would help people hone in on the issues you guys might be having.

Reactions: 2

Tony55

· #4 · Dec 2, 2012

aparker2005 said:
I ask for sex all the time because I hardly ever get it and she says it turns her off.

The first thing you need to do is stop asking for sex, it's fairly universal that when a man "asks" for sex, he's creating a self fulfilling prophecy. Give her the cold shoulder a bit on the intimacy and see if she starts to come around, give it a couple weeks.

The smoking concerns me a little because there may very well be something going on in her life that your complete unaware of.

T

Reactions: 2

jameskimp

· #5 · Dec 2, 2012

Classic bait and switch. It started as early as your honeymoon!

Newly married couples should have no sex issues. Your problem will merely get worse. You need to address this head on now and let her know that you will not stand for it.

Reactions: 1

EleGirl

· #6 · Dec 2, 2012

If your facial hair hurts, than shave before hand.

Have you sat her down and asked her why sex slowed down so much starting on your honeymoon?

DTO

· #7 · Dec 2, 2012

aparker2005 said:
Hey everyone. My wife and I have been married for 6 months now. Before we got married, sex was not an issue. It was always hot, different, and multiple positions.

Since we've gotten married, it's almost stopped. We only had sex once per night on our honeymoon! She has lupus and fights it a lot. I understand that. Her job is very stressful as well. She stopped smoking almost a year ago and I just found out she's started up again. I asked her about it and she lied to me, and I of course was mad for a day or 2 about it and she said that's another reason why she's not in the mood.

She says she's stressed all day at work and then comes home to more stress. We went to have sex last night and she told me she didn't want to give or receive oral, no doggy style, etc. I told her she was killing my mood by telling me all the "no"s before we even started and I didn't even want it then.

She says doggy hurts now and oral isn't the best. She says my facial hair hurts and she almost thinks its rather nasty now since that's where we pee out of. I told her I think if we use more lube and maybe not go at it so hard it won't hurt as much and she said we'd see.

I'm so confused because last week she gave me road head and had no problem. I ask for sex all the time because I hardly ever get it and she says it turns her off. If I don't ask for it, it's sometimes 2 weeks between a one time session.

I've shutup about the cigarettes and I just don't know what to do. Our sex life completely sucks. Anything I can do to help her out?

BAIT. AND. SWITCH.

Yes, lupus sucks big time - I know someone who suffers from it. But it does not just pop up. The chances that it started becoming a problem right about the time your sex life tanked is nil. Plus, that she can still work strongly indicates it is not too bad (the person I know had to stop working).

You need to tell her that you respect her challenges, but you still need to be at the top of her list to the best of her ability. That she works full time and bothers to smoke says she can do more, and she should.

Lilme831983

· #8 · Dec 2, 2012

I am going to give a suggestion from a perspective of a woman who allowed the same to happen with a man. When you suspect skmething is wrong it is best to talk it out and to be willling to listen to the reasons behind why a behaivor is occuring. When your spouse is not in the mood for sexual anything although you are attracted to them it means physical is still there but emotional connection is lost. In a womans world we need a feeling of belonging and understanding we need emotial validation. You don't have to agree with our feelings but by you being willing to listen and showing support actively that is huge. If this woman in your life means anything to you then you need to take action immediately and find out what's going on with her. Whether it's a work related situation,a family, or with you showing you are there has to happen. Don't let her go if you can fet a hold of the situation once you give up she will too. Goodluck.
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thomrashid

· #9 · Dec 3, 2012

It started as early as your honeymoon!

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Machiavelli

· #10 · Dec 3, 2012

Do yourself a favor and read MMSL, if you haven't already. Lupus is an issue that can be overcome. Lots of women have it but it doesn't seem to get in the way all that much until after the ceremony.

Toffer

· #11 · Dec 3, 2012

Lupus should not be an issue most of the time.

My wife's good friend has had it for about 15 years now and she and her spouse have a active sex life.

As others have said, try and fix this NOW. I'd also look into having the marriage annulled since it's new. Not sure what the limit on that is but I believe that it's up to a year.

I also think this is a bait and switch

Why Not Be Happy?

· #12 · Dec 3, 2012

I agree with many of the posters above----this is a serious issue you need to address now!
Whatever you do.....use birth control!

Terry_CO

· #13 · Dec 3, 2012

Tony55 said:
The smoking concerns me a little because there may very well be something going on in her life that your complete unaware of.

:iagree:

Hicks

· #14 · Dec 3, 2012

In order to attain marriage - sex
After marriage is attained - no sex

Do you see a pattern here?

IsGirl3

· #15 · Dec 3, 2012

yes - use birth control. 6 months into a marriage is WAAAAAAAAY to early to be having these kinds of problems. These are major red flags that you need to address with your wife head-on and not sweep under the rug or just hope it goes away. If she can't communicate what has changed and if things don't change and if you're still miserably unhappy, then I'm not sure you should stick this out for the long haul. You're too young and a happy marriage is something you deserve.

Toffer

· #16 · Dec 3, 2012

IslandGirl3 said:
yes - use birth control. 6 months into a marriage is WAAAAAAAAY to early to be having these kinds of problems. These are major red flags that you need to address with your wife head-on and not sweep under the rug or just hope it goes away. If she can't communicate what has changed and if things don't change and if you're still miserably unhappy, then I'm not sure you should stick this out for the long haul. You're too young and a happy marriage is something you deserve.

:iagree:

Do not get her pregnant!

husbandfool

· #17 · Dec 8, 2012

Now that you're married, why have sex?
You've been taken, my friend.

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