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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I laughed when I came across an article mentioning this. I said what? This can't really be a thing and kept on scrolling. Ummmm... I am absolutely miserable at being shy of 6 months out. Some of you have read my past postings from last year and the beginning and know how wrecked my marriage was. I was just holding out hope, but to no avail. Anyways, it's been well over a year, if I'm brutally honest with myself, probably longer than that, since I'd had any decent physical/intimate interaction in marriage leading up to the suicide of my husband in March this year.

I am seriously, seriously miserable. I've never understood how people can just go out and have one night stands, hit it and quit it, whatever you want to refer to casual sex as, and while I'm not to that point of desperation, I do wish I had the nerve to find a man to take these feelings I'm experiencing out on, or share with rather. Just so I don't have to feel like this. I know deep down it's part of the healing process, I haven't shared this in counselling but maybe e that would help. I don't know. The feelings come and go but this week, MAN! They are full force.

The man I'm speaking to now is so respectful. He's flirty but definitely has boundary lines, he has never asked for pictures of me, never tried to 'sext', is truly in it to get to know me and the rest can come later. It's so out of the norm for me. I was just always treated as a piece of meat, the only way I was desired was for what I brought to a bedroom and now I don't have that. It wasn't even that much attention, but it was the only real attention I ever got from my late husband and now.. While I don't wish for that again, it's very odd to not have even that.

I don't know what to do with myself, except be patient and reign it in. I'm just venting. Please go easy on me ladies (or gents.)
 

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I feel for you. You seem like you have it pretty together for all the crap you've been through (far better off than I would be), but I know you've still got a lot going on.

Can you get out and at least get some human contact? A hug? I know it doesn't "put out the fire" but it may help keep you from getting to that desperate position, IDK.
 

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Have you thought about asking him to "open up" his discussions a little? Sounds kinda like that is what you are going for here. Not in the way of being treated like a piece of meat, but just a little bit stronger language? Or maybe just push the boundary a little bit yourself and see how he responds?
 

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If you want to get things cookin with this guy, just be sure you're flirty
with him when you're together. I don't mean sexting or any of that, just really paying attention to what he's saying and smiling and maybe reaching over and touching him on his arm just to give him the green light. He sounds pretty nice!

I realize that can be an adjustment and even a buzz kill sometimes but you should at least give it a shot and see if you can get used to something nicer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If you want to get things cookin with this guy, just be sure you're flirty
with him when you're together. I don't mean sexting or any of that, just really paying attention to what he's saying and smiling and maybe reaching over and touching him on his arm just to give him the green light. He sounds pretty nice!

I realize that can be an adjustment and even a buzz kill sometimes but you should at least give it a shot and see if you can get used to something nicer.
I know you're exactly right and this is completely healthy and exactly what I need in my life.
 

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I know you're exactly right and this is completely healthy and exactly what I need in my life.
But if you find you can't get excited with a guy who treats you right, then you do know that is therapy work you need to do on you, right? You can't force yourself to have attraction, but getting to the root and airing any old reasons why can over time help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Have you thought about asking him to "open up" his discussions a little? Sounds kinda like that is what you are going for here. Not in the way of being treated like a piece of meat, but just a little bit stronger language? Or maybe just push the boundary a little bit yourself and see how he responds?
He’s trying to keep me ‘honest’ is the real thing. Which is what I need. But booooooy, all that does is make me more crazy. Not in a bad way though, just makes me want to dig in all the more and get to know him more and hope I can contain myself.
 

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I think I said before but you have given yourself no time to think, reflect or heal. You are already involved with another man and I just can't see how you are in anyway emotionally ready for that.
These things take time, lots of time, a day at a time, a step at a time.

I agree with you about the casual sex and one night stands. They hold no appeal for me either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I think I said before but you have given yourself no time to think, reflect or heal. You are already involved with another man and I just can't see how you are in anyway emotionally ready for that.
These things take time, lots of time, a day at a time, a step at a time.

I agree with you about the casual sex and one night stands. They hold no appeal for me either.
Yes I understand you feel this way. The only thing I can tell you is your not completely wrong and your also not completely right.

I’ve been grieving my late husband for a long while now. I’m not pushing emotions down, I’m not running from things. I’m not even FORCING this involvement with another man. It’s been organic from day one.

Every persons experience is their own, therapy and timelines and growth and regression and so on and so forth is not subject to a text book. While I do find a lot of your comments insightful not just in my threads but others, I do have to respectfully disagree here.

Now there is absolute precaution that would be foolish not to take, I’m not rushing to figure a way to get to be with this man, how to get him down here with me. Where does it say you can’t possibly heal and grow through friendship with someone or community and be able to move on “outside an appropriate timeline?”

What is the appropriate timeline? What things do I need to have done to make this a tad bit okay to explore?

Should I be able to go three week without crying over the loss? Should my son have a year of therapy under his belt? Should I be financially stable before hand? Do I need to be signed off by my therapist as deemed well enough to be apart of someone else’s live romantic or platonic?

The fact is, I grieved what I thought was a marriage that wasn’t for the last few years of my life. Really started losing hope last fall. I was abused emotionally, mentally and it’s no secret, but I took a stand last October and began MY own healing then. I am better for it, wiser, more tender, more determined than ever to be strong in the many many blessings I’ve been afforded, even through this tragedy and I am on the road to healing. I don’t believe until I’m called up I’ll ever be truly healed of this, but I know where my foundation is and it’s built on the rock which is why I haven’t faltered into a hole of depression and I won’t. Im not perfect and this could be a mistaken step or maybe a friendship that is mistaken for a romantic relationship, but I’m not scared of that.

What else can I do and how else do move on?
 

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Yes I understand you feel this way. The only thing I can tell you is your not completely wrong and your also not completely right.

I’ve been grieving my late husband for a long while now. I’m not pushing emotions down, I’m not running from things. I’m not even FORCING this involvement with another man. It’s been organic from day one.

Every persons experience is their own, therapy and timelines and growth and regression and so on and so forth is not subject to a text book. While I do find a lot of your comments insightful not just in my threads but others, I do have to respectfully disagree here.

Now there is absolute precaution that would be foolish not to take, I’m not rushing to figure a way to get to be with this man, how to get him down here with me. Where does it say you can’t possibly heal and grow through friendship with someone or community and be able to move on “outside an appropriate timeline?”

What is the appropriate timeline? What things do I need to have done to make this a tad bit okay to explore?

Should I be able to go three week without crying over the loss? Should my son have a year of therapy under his belt? Should I be financially stable before hand? Do I need to be signed off by my therapist as deemed well enough to be apart of someone else’s live romantic or platonic?

The fact is, I grieved what I thought was a marriage that wasn’t for the last few years of my life. Really started losing hope last fall. I was abused emotionally, mentally and it’s no secret, but I took a stand last October and began MY own healing then. I am better for it, wiser, more tender, more determined than ever to be strong in the many many blessings I’ve been afforded, even through this tragedy and I am on the road to healing. I don’t believe until I’m called up I’ll ever be truly healed of this, but I know where my foundation is and it’s built on the rock which is why I haven’t faltered into a hole of depression and I won’t. Im not perfect and this could be a mistaken step or maybe a friendship that is mistaken for a romantic relationship, but I’m not scared of that.

What else can I do and how else do move on?
I understand what you are saying, but having had a very traumatic marriage ending after 23 years and a mother who committed suicide in her 50's, I know it takes many years to even begin to in anyway heal from such things.

Yes a friend is good, someone to talk to is good, so if that helps then that's fine.
A relationship takes a lot of effort and emotional investment which maybe you don't have right now? Its just my six pennies worth, take it or leave it as you choose🙂.
 

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I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.

At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I understand what you are saying, but having had a very traumatic marriage ending after 23 years and a mother who committed suicide in her 50's, I know it takes many years to even begin to in anyway heal from such things.

Yes a friend is good, someone to talk to is good, so if that helps then that's fine.
A relationship takes a lot of effort and emotional investment which maybe you don't have right now?
Again you’re right about a relationship taking a lot of effort and then being an investment for any kind to really work. In that sense another blessing is I’m under zero pressure (except my own when I let my loneliness or feelings come at me wildly uninhibited!) I have a lot more of my self to share than the average person would in my situation that’s for sure. I’m not super special but I do believe I am cut from a different cloth so to speak and handle things differently as well as have a very practical view of life.

So there in lies, the cautious, slow moving steps that are being taken or for that matter even on the back burner to being taken.
 

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Won't even ask you for a picture? Sounds like a guy who's probably got ED to me. :p

I would worry less about that particular guy and just keep putting yourself out there in places men can find you. The right one you feel a vibe with (and can direct sufficient blood flow to his penis) will show up eventually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.

At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.
The issue here is this particular guy is 1000 miles away 😆
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Won't even ask you for a picture? Sounds like a guy who's probably got ED to me. :p

I would worry less about that particular guy and just keep putting yourself out there in places men can find you. The right one you feel a vibe with (and can direct sufficient blood flow to his penis) will show up eventually.
He would if I went there but until I give the go ahead, he’s holding back the reigns. I’m miserably holding back those reigns out of being cautious.

I see your point though lol. They make meds for that though right? Lol
 

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I’m sure you could probably go to a bar and take your pick if you want to have a ONS.

At my age I have learned it’s good to be direct with what you want. If you‘d like to go with the guy you have now you can just tell him. I’d almost say if he can’t rise up and do what’s required maybe he’s not a match.
I believe he lives a long a way away?
 
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