Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 54 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband spends a TON of time on his phone and he never leaves it lying around except when he's sleeping of course. One day however he was doing some stuff in the kitchen and had it charging on the counter. I came it for something and saw his phone light up and saw that it was a KIK message. I asked him what KIK was (I had never heard of it) and he explained it. I asked him why he would need free unlimited messaging through KIK when we have unlimited texting through our phone company. He changed the subject. I never saw who it was from and refuse to snoop on his phone; he's done it to me and it made me furious so if I do it, that would be a double standard. I have suspected he was up to something for a while. He's in the army and always seems to have CQ (overnight security basically) on Friday or Saturday night. He's ALWAYS on his phone texting. Am I just overreacting or should I be suspicious? Anyone wanna KIK my husband to see if he "bites", lol. Just kidding. Kinda.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,375 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Not at all. His iPhone is the most technical thing he owns and he's pretty old-fashioned otherwise.

I hope I'm just overreacting.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
You're posting in the Infidelity forum... So what do you think? By itself, it's a red flag. But it doesn't MEAN he's cheating.

I could use an app like that to communicate with someone I didn't trust with my cell number. It might be a crazy girlfriend, it might be a Craigslist ad, whatever. I'd also use it if I didn't want my partner to see who I was communicating with. Again, it might be because I was setting up her birthday party, or I might be communicating with a prostitute. There's no way to tell. You need to either dig more or confront.

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I haven't asked to use or see his phone. I think he would feel attacked if I did. As far as I know he doesn't lock his phone. I could be overreacting I guess. I would feel so guilty if I looked on his phone and found nothing. Besides, he is totally the type to erase messages. Ugh. This is so frustrating.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,380 Posts
Why did it make you furious that your husband looked at your phone? You are creating a very poor precedent in your marriage, in my opinion. How long have you been married?

There is room for privacy in a marriage (as in close the door when you are on the toilet), but not secrecy (unknown passcodes on email, phone, laptop, etc).

I have a texting app on my phone however. I am not a deleter, and the stock android message service bogged down trying to keep running with all the texts. There can be advantages to using different software, but if he wasn't open and willing to share that with you, that is kind of suspicious. Usually guys would be more than happy to geek out on you, and talk way too much about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
956 Posts
Put your phone elsewhere or "leave it in the car" or "at work".

Grab his phone and ask if you can make a quick phone call to "work" or someone whom you were supposed to call back. Check his reaction, if he says "in a bit" or "later", "no wait, why don't you use your phone, where is your phone, ok wait up let me check if..." instead of "yeah sure, here is the pass, where is your phone?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
I get mad at him for spying on me because he always gets mad at me for talking to my friends about personal problems. And he thinks that I'm "looking" for someone to cheat with. He always blows things WAY out of proportion. Besides, from the get-go, we have both expressed the wish for at least a little privacy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
956 Posts
I haven't asked to use or see his phone. I think he would feel attacked if I did. As far as I know he doesn't lock his phone. I could be overreacting I guess. I would feel so guilty if I looked on his phone and found nothing. Besides, he is totally the type to erase messages. Ugh. This is so frustrating.
Its all about timing, you cannot control who messages you and when they message you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
I get mad at him for spying on me because he always gets mad at me for talking to my friends about personal problems. And he thinks that I'm "looking" for someone to cheat with. He always blows things WAY out of proportion. Besides, from the get-go, we have both expressed the wish for at least a little privacy.
I think you guys need some external help...

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
If he's accusing you of cheating, I'd bet he is cheating.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

You need to do more digging. There are a lot of red flags here.

Why don't you offer him your phone and ask that he reciprocate?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
Put your phone elsewhere or "leave it in the car" or "at work".

Grab his phone and ask if you can make a quick phone call to "work" or someone whom you were supposed to call back. Check his reaction, if he says "in a bit" or "later", "no wait, why don't you use your phone, where is your phone, ok wait up let me check if..." instead of "yeah sure, here is the pass, where is your phone?"
This is an excellent tactic.

When my spouse was cheating, he would literally hiss the word "no" when I asked to use any of his gadgets, and he became very possessive of them.

Read the red flags for cheating section. This possessiveness about gadgets is a huge red flag.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I really don't have any secrets. He's read my journal, checks my facebook regularly and I catch him on my phone all the time. It bothers me that he doesn't trust me and doesn't give me any privacy, and I really don't want to invade him in hopes that he'll see that we should respect each others privacy. I'm not asking for much, just some respect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
I really don't have any secrets. He's read my journal, checks my facebook regularly and I catch him on my phone all the time. It bothers me that he doesn't trust me and doesn't give me any privacy, and I really don't want to invade him in hopes that he'll see that we should respect each others privacy. I'm not asking for much, just some respect.
Marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by product. Partners who practice transparency actually cultivate more trust. You should trust each other to see what you are doing for example. You are not trustung him is why you do not want him to look at what you are doing.

I assume these friends of yours are female and not men. And that in the past he saw some comments you made that bothered him. Maybe how good looking some guy was maybe. Idunno. What did he see that bothered him?

But to me having this type of privacy and just saying trust me is a red flag. But that is just me.

I suggest you guys move into transparency and not have these secrets from each other. This promotes intimacy in a marriage which is a good thing IMO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
The thing is, I have never really made a big deal that he spies on me but it does bother me. His spying and his secrecy is what makes me wonder what's up.I have never spied on him, I just saw his phone when it lit up in front of me on the kitchen counter. He then snatched it up as fast as he could.

Maybe I'm just being insecure.
 
1 - 20 of 54 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top