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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife is a very sexual person but anytime we have sex and she is riding, she refuses to play with her breasts or play with her clit. Don't get me wrong, I love doing those things for her but once in awhile, it would be nice to see her enjoying her own body.

We have talked about it and she said she has never ever masturbated. I asked for a reason and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she just hasn't.

I do know that although she loves having sex, she is just very vanilla in her approach and it's all about physical contact with minimal use of hands (ie. she touches me but won't touch herself...yet when I am laying in bed waiting for her to come jump me, I'll play a little bit with myself and she loves to watch for a little while before we get busy...says she finds it to be a hot turn on).

Any ideas why she won't masturbate while alone or even touch her own body when having sex? Keep in mind, up until a few years ago she was all about sex and never passed up an opportunity to have it.
 

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I would bet she has masturbated alone plenty of times. I have but it's not something I discuss with my wife.

I am OK with playing with myself during sex with my wife but it took me a while to be that comfortable.. It actually started when I was guiding her hand and she took her hand and put it on top of mine so I was touching myself. maybe you could try that.
 

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She might just be uncomfortable with you watching her do that. I don't know if you two have kids or not, or if she's gained/lost some weight or something else that could have made her self-conscious about her body, but I know after I had my kids I was very self-conscious for a very long time. In fact, it wasn't until I met my boyfriend and our relationship took that turn that I became comfortable with my body again (and my kids were 8 & 6 at the time!). Even if nothing has changed, she could just be self-conscious anyway.

Speaking as a woman, I wouldn't want you to just come right out and ask me why I don't do it; that would only make me more uncomfortable. I would rather that you simply guided my hand to where you wanted me to play and see what happens or say something about it but in a very sexy kind of way ("God, it turns me on when you _________").

As for masturbating alone, there's two things that can be said about that: (1) it's possible that she's lying and that she does in fact masturbate when alone, and she lies because she's embarrassed or just doesn't want you to know for some reason (maybe she thinks you'll think less of her or something?) or (2) she's telling the truth and she doesn't because she doesn't enjoy it all that much. I know, for myself personally, I very much enjoy sex with my boyfriend. I always orgasm when we have sex, because I enjoy being with him and he is so thoughtful and considerate that he always makes sure I do, as I do for him. But when it comes to doing it myself, it often just seems like more trouble than it's worth; like it's a whole lot of work for that little bit of pleasure, and I'd rather read my book or watch a movie or whatever. Not entirely sure if that made sense there, I know what I'm trying to explain, but not sure if I'm saying it quite right. The pleasure for me comes from being with him, and to try to do it myself just seems like a lot of work and it's not the same kind of pleasure.

Another thought is that perhaps something happened before she met you that has affected her view of sex and ladylike behavior. I wouldn't go so far as to say she was sexually abused or raped or anything that severe, but maybe she had a boyfriend who called her a s**t or something along those lines for enjoying sex and so now she feels she has to act this way. Or maybe her parents weren't that open about sex and made her feel it was somehow dirty or something to be ashamed of.

One last thought, on the whole "vanilla" thing. I have to laugh at that, because it's the same thing my boyfriend said to me once about myself. The thing is, most of my sexual past is very vanilla, only because I didn't really enjoy sex with my previous partners, so I had no interest in experimentation. Once I met my boyfriend, that changed. I now want to try all kinds of new things with him. For me, he makes me feel comfortable enough to be able to say "I want to try..." and not be afraid that he'll laugh at me or reject me. Maybe she's thinking the same way but is afraid to tell you. You might try, in the middle of sex one night, asking her about her fantasies or what she'd like to do, or just start suggesting new stuff. Tell her you want to try a new position, or that you wonder what this particular act would be like and does she want to try it.
 

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My wife is a very sexual person but anytime we have sex and she is riding, she refuses to play with her breasts or play with her clit. Don't get me wrong, I love doing those things for her but once in awhile, it would be nice to see her enjoying her own body.

We have talked about it and she said she has never ever masturbated. I asked for a reason and she just shrugged her shoulders and said she just hasn't.
This is MY history. I don't know if your wife shares any element of it.

I never used to masturbate. I was raised Roman Catholic, which for me meant what I knew about sex could be fit into a thimble. But the jist of it was that sex was this yucky, dirty thing you only did in marriage with someone you loved. Good girls did not like sex, and no matter what men said, men don't marry bad girls or make them wife. Those women are tramps... You can imagine the rest of that picture.

Over time a slightly more enlightened view of mutual love and caring as well as taking care of physical needs began to develop. But still the POINT was PiV sex.

I was intimidated by many things, that included. On top of the aforementioned notions, I was also just plain embarrassed that I might do things wrong.

Over time ALL of this change. We talked, we grew. Etcetera and so forth.

One thing to consider is that manual self stimulation is a LOT of work. I see what DH has to do to masturbate and I think... dern he has it easy. Toys are MUCH better. One can get freaky without breaking their arm off.

I do know that although she loves having sex, she is just very vanilla in her approach and it's all about physical contact with minimal use of hands (ie. she touches me but won't touch herself...yet when I am laying in bed waiting for her to come jump me, I'll play a little bit with myself and she loves to watch for a little while before we get busy...says she finds it to be a hot turn on).

Any ideas why she won't masturbate while alone or even touch her own body when having sex? Keep in mind, up until a few years ago she was all about sex and never passed up an opportunity to have it.
This may just be a great conversation to have. Not so much why don't you, which may put her on the defensive. Maybe you could explain you find it erotic to see her do it, can we play with that a little? Regardless of what she says, you have the perfect trust building opportunity to try to UNDERSTAND her rather than demand of her while unquestioningly supporting whatever she is comfy with!

Good luck!
 

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(2) she's telling the truth and she doesn't because she doesn't enjoy it all that much. I know, for myself personally, I very much enjoy sex with my boyfriend. I always orgasm when we have sex, because I enjoy being with him and he is so thoughtful and considerate that he always makes sure I do, as I do for him. But when it comes to doing it myself, it often just seems like more trouble than it's worth; like it's a whole lot of work for that little bit of pleasure, and I'd rather read my book or watch a movie or whatever.
I SO agree. I have a toy I can take out and have release in like 12 seconds. But compared to actually having sex with DH, it just isn't worth the bother. And just plain using the hand ... nah.


Not entirely sure if that made sense there, I know what I'm trying to explain, but not sure if I'm saying it quite right. The pleasure for me comes from being with him, and to try to do it myself just seems like a lot of work and it's not the same kind of pleasure.
Makes perfect sense to me.
 

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I find it hard to believe that sexually active women don't masturbate. If a woman does not please herself it's either because she was raised to think it's dirty, or her husband satisfies her and so she doesn't have the urge to do it.

I too did not touch myself because I preferred h did it.
Towards the end of our "marriage" I ended up helping myself quite often because my husband wouldn't. Even after we had sex and he went to wash up I'd lie in bed and enjoy myself. Otherwise it would leave me angry and resentful. No talking to him did not help so I stopped trying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
She might just be uncomfortable with you watching her do that. I don't know if you two have kids or not, or if she's gained/lost some weight or something else that could have made her self-conscious about her body, but I know after I had my kids I was very self-conscious for a very long time. In fact, it wasn't until I met my boyfriend and our relationship took that turn that I became comfortable with my body again (and my kids were 8 & 6 at the time!). Even if nothing has changed, she could just be self-conscious anyway.

Speaking as a woman, I wouldn't want you to just come right out and ask me why I don't do it; that would only make me more uncomfortable. I would rather that you simply guided my hand to where you wanted me to play and see what happens or say something about it but in a very sexy kind of way ("God, it turns me on when you _________").

As for masturbating alone, there's two things that can be said about that: (1) it's possible that she's lying and that she does in fact masturbate when alone, and she lies because she's embarrassed or just doesn't want you to know for some reason (maybe she thinks you'll think less of her or something?) or (2) she's telling the truth and she doesn't because she doesn't enjoy it all that much. I know, for myself personally, I very much enjoy sex with my boyfriend. I always orgasm when we have sex, because I enjoy being with him and he is so thoughtful and considerate that he always makes sure I do, as I do for him. But when it comes to doing it myself, it often just seems like more trouble than it's worth; like it's a whole lot of work for that little bit of pleasure, and I'd rather read my book or watch a movie or whatever. Not entirely sure if that made sense there, I know what I'm trying to explain, but not sure if I'm saying it quite right. The pleasure for me comes from being with him, and to try to do it myself just seems like a lot of work and it's not the same kind of pleasure.

Another thought is that perhaps something happened before she met you that has affected her view of sex and ladylike behavior. I wouldn't go so far as to say she was sexually abused or raped or anything that severe, but maybe she had a boyfriend who called her a s**t or something along those lines for enjoying sex and so now she feels she has to act this way. Or maybe her parents weren't that open about sex and made her feel it was somehow dirty or something to be ashamed of.

One last thought, on the whole "vanilla" thing. I have to laugh at that, because it's the same thing my boyfriend said to me once about myself. The thing is, most of my sexual past is very vanilla, only because I didn't really enjoy sex with my previous partners, so I had no interest in experimentation. Once I met my boyfriend, that changed. I now want to try all kinds of new things with him. For me, he makes me feel comfortable enough to be able to say "I want to try..." and not be afraid that he'll laugh at me or reject me. Maybe she's thinking the same way but is afraid to tell you. You might try, in the middle of sex one night, asking her about her fantasies or what she'd like to do, or just start suggesting new stuff. Tell her you want to try a new position, or that you wonder what this particular act would be like and does she want to try it.
Yes, we have one child but she keeps herself in very good shape (at the gym 5 days a week) and lately has been fitting into clothes she never thought she'd wear again...so no, it's not a self-image thing.

I would never just come out and demand she touch herself or masturbate for me...that's just crude and can turn into resentment too easily. I have more than a few times gently guided her hand but she pulls away without any hesitation. She will, on occasion, use both hands to pull her lips apart while I'm down there doing oral but as far as any other play, it's a no-go. We have built a little collection of toys (bullet, rabbit, wevibe) and she will never use them in my absence (even if I'm out of town on business for 3 or 4 days at a time)...the only time the toys see action is when we are having sex. I know this for a fact because I've left them in a certain way in the "toybox" when I leave and when I come home, they haven't moved :(

I have asked her a few times in a non-threatening manner if she ever masturbated while between boyfriends or after her first marriage ended...you know, to relieve sexual tension without having to sleep with someone. Her answer was that she has never masturbated. I asked how she dealt with being super horny (everyone has those times...anyone who says they haven't are lying) and she replied that she just didn't think about sex...she would just get her mind occupied with something else until the horniness passed.

She did confide in me that she was date-r***d by a guy in her class at a party...the two of them had just become an item a few days before and he forced himself on her. To this day, I think that still frightens her when it comes to sex and maybe why she just isn't into being experimental, into trying different things or putting trust into me when it comes to all things bedroom. Honestly, I think that it was this incident, combined with her parents maybe being a little too traditional (read: sex is dirty) that has made her who she is today.

I have tried everything. She says she has no fantasies. She says she doesn't and has never touched her own body for sexual purposes. She is open to the odd "new" thing...as long as it's not too racy (ie. having sex outside the bedroom, using toys). However, as a couple she will not watch porn, read erotic stories together, or role play.
 

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Just to say be sure not to inadvertently lead your wife into thinking that the fact she doesn't masturbate is a big deal for you, or you could end up with her feeling self-conscious, inadequate and even less willing to experiment. Not saying that you are making her feel this way, but just to be careful not to make it into too big an issue.

If her not masturbating is your only concern on the sex front then I'd say you were in a pretty good place - glass (more than) half full etc. I think gently guiding her hand every now and then is fine but if she pulls away just move on to something else and enjoy that instead.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Just to say be sure not to inadvertently lead your wife into thinking that the fact she doesn't masturbate is a big deal for you, or you could end up with her feeling self-conscious, inadequate and even less willing to experiment. Not saying that you are making her feel this way, but just to be careful not to make it into too big an issue.

If her not masturbating is your only concern on the sex front then I'd say you were in a pretty good place - glass (more than) half full etc. I think gently guiding her hand every now and then is fine but if she pulls away just move on to something else and enjoy that instead.
Like I said before, I never press her verbally or even physically (other than once in awhile moving her hand down there). I also never make it a big deal or stop what I'm doing when she pulls her hand away.

Her not masturbating is not my only concern. Far from it. I know we are two different people and we are wired differently so to expect "everything" is not realistic. That said, we've both been with our fair share of others and have been exclusively together for the past 7 years. In that time, I have complied with her every wish, want and need in the bedroom (she wants to ride, she wants her breasts given attention, she wants me to come inside her, etc.). Outside of her giving in to my request to have sex somewhere else other than on our bed, she has refused to try what I term as the most basic of sexual wants for a male (coming on her vagina or breasts, lots of foreplay, some naughty whispers, some sexy texting, etc.).

Since I made the last post, we had a little text conversation (she's a couple hours away at the moment with no easy access to a landline phone). Turns out her first wasn't really a "good" first...she has blocked out all sexual things from her past because of the date r**e incident when she was still in school. She's forgotten everything...and said she is like a person who is scared of the water and I'm the one begging her to dive in. She wants to but the fear in her is so great that she's decided she can't and never will.

This tells me our troubles cut much deeper than I first thought. I suggested we should see a counsellor together to get this smoothed out and her answer was "no way, the last one I went to for this exact thing drove me onto anti-depressants".

So I think my best course of action is to just lay off and hope she comes around on her own???
 

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I try to but when I cant, now, its because I resent that I have to instead of having regular sex with my husband.
 

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I've been married for 30+ years and for most of that time, it was vanilla sex.

Over the past few years, my wife has significantly opened her sexual practices in the bedroom.

be patient with her. there's still plenty of time.
 

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imo she needs intense trauma cognitive therapy. Being raped is not something that you just "forget" and move on from. It is an intrusive, frightening experience that can cause all sorts of issues mentally. Get her to a therapist that specializes in trauma/ptsd. In the end I bet your wife will thank you.
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Being raped is certainly something some people can just forget and move on from. Not everyone handles adversity in the same way. God I remember my doc telling em I NEEDED therapy and COULDN'T do it on my own. Boy do I hate people telling me what I CAN'T do.
 

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I applaud you for being able to work through it on your own. I couldn't, and although this woman might think she did, its obvious something is going on, and any rational person would first think to look at the trauma as the cause.
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I suggested we should see a counsellor together to get this smoothed out and her answer was "no way, the last one I went to for this exact thing drove me onto anti-depressants".

So I think my best course of action is to just lay off and hope she comes around on her own???
It will be hard for her to risk trying again with a counsellor given her previous experience with one but maybe, on your own initially, you can explore the different types of therapy availabe for rape victims and perhaps get some recommendations for an experienced proven therapist who won't just dish out anti-depressants as a way of dealing with the issues.

I'm not in a position/knowledgeable enough, to recommend a particular type of therapy myself but hopefully there will be others out there who might be able to chip in. Once you've researched and gathered the information you can present it all to her in a low key way and see if she comes round to the idea, and/or may then do some further exploration of the different types of therapy available together, leaving the final decision to her as to if and when she wants to try something. Alternatively, vthomeschoolmom's post talked about the option of working through this without outside help so you could explore options for this also.

She might not feel ready for it now but reading your post I get the impression you'll continue to be a reasonable and patient hubby.
 

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I applaud you for being able to work through it on your own. I couldn't, and although this woman might think she did, its obvious something is going on, and any rational person would first think to look at the trauma as the cause.
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I think that may be the case. It may also be a red herring. The damage done by my religious upbringing was way more than that done by the rape.
 

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I don't know about the religion thing from experience, but I have known people that say the same thing.
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I am not, by any means, attempting to say that all people can or should recover from a rape without counseling! Let that not be unclear. But I *do* think that to assume one MUST recover through counseling is a mistake. Trying to meddle into someone's head as if they are broken is not always a good thing either!
 
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