My bf (3 years, on and off) has always been nice to me in his own sort of way but the thing that bothers me is that he doesn't really even try to go that extra mile with me. When we go out he watches his wallet and it makes me feel like I'm not worth that much to him. It really bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if he even wants to be with me or if I'm just a hobby to him. The other night I asked him why he's so frugal and he said that it's not how much money you spend, it's the time and the company. Ok he has a point I suppose but still, I can't help feeling that he's not that into me. Am I being unreasonable? Another thing, he has an eye for the ladies. He doesn't do anything but he doesn't hide the fact that he checks out other girls. Yesterday he told me that it's nothing to worry about and to be honest I'm not worried that he's going to to go off with anyone but again it just seems selfish. He doesn't do it that often just now and then. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of all this but I can't ignore my feelings, which tell me that he's no good. I'm confused.
Why won't he treat me like a lady?
- Status
1 - 20 of 50 Posts
Joined
·
119 Posts
Thinking someone is not into you just because he watches what he spends is unreasonable to me. It's always the thought that counts not the price. If you don't want someone frugal then find someone else. He will more than likely not change and being cheap isn't something I feel is bad and would need to change.
As for the looking at ladies I would commend him on the fact he does not try to hide it. Sneaky , lying men are the ones you have to worry about!
As for the looking at ladies I would commend him on the fact he does not try to hide it. Sneaky , lying men are the ones you have to worry about!
Joined
·
4,372 Posts
You're able-bodied and working, I presume? After 3 years, you really shouldn't have an expectation that your bf pay for everything. You should be splitting the costs or taking turns...then you can splurge when it's your turn and your wallet.
I can see the gentleman paying at first during the "courting" phase, and maybe splurging for special nights now and then. But 3 years later, it should be "whose turn is it to get the bill?"
Also, he is right. It's not about how much he spends on you that shows he cares. That's a false belief on your part. Adding up money spent to "prove" love is an immature expectation.
Does he show love other ways? Does he do little things for you, does he kiss you and smile when you open the door, does he listen to you when you are stressed, does he talk to you about the things that are personal and he wouldn't open up to anyone else? Does he spend time with you and look forward to seeing you?
As for the checking out other women...there's a huge long thread about that here. Net-net: most guys look, but generally only glance if they are with their women, and break their necks ogling if they are assh*les.
I can see the gentleman paying at first during the "courting" phase, and maybe splurging for special nights now and then. But 3 years later, it should be "whose turn is it to get the bill?"
Also, he is right. It's not about how much he spends on you that shows he cares. That's a false belief on your part. Adding up money spent to "prove" love is an immature expectation.
Does he show love other ways? Does he do little things for you, does he kiss you and smile when you open the door, does he listen to you when you are stressed, does he talk to you about the things that are personal and he wouldn't open up to anyone else? Does he spend time with you and look forward to seeing you?
As for the checking out other women...there's a huge long thread about that here. Net-net: most guys look, but generally only glance if they are with their women, and break their necks ogling if they are assh*les.
Joined
·
119 Posts
It may just be me but in this life and time I wish H was a little more frugal , in fact if he spends a lot of money , even on me I get a little upset. As long as my bills are paid and there is food in my belly I'm as happy as can be. All I need is love and time from him. Not gifts or fancy restaurants etc.
Joined
·
7,265 Posts
Well, after dating the guy for three years, if you feel this way, then why don't you start dating someone else? Also, after this period of time, you should be able to come out and be upfront with him. Just tell him you don't feel he is that into you.
I don't know what you mean about him not spending much money on you. Are you dining at McD's, or are you going to one of the popular chains like Chili's or Applebees?
I think more than having a problem with whether or not he is "into" you is you both lack communication skills. Lay it on the table and tell him point-blank what you're feeling and why you feel that way.
Actually, it doesn't sound like you're all that into him either.
Treating someone like a "lady" has not a thing to do with being frugal.
When you go out, does he open doors for you?
Let you order first?
Seat you?
Treat you respectfully?
And other than that, does he show you he cares in non-gift or monetary ways? Like listening to you. Showing affection? Going out and doing things with you? Spending time with you? Quality time? That can be cooking a dinner together instead of going out. That can be taking a walk together. Sitting out on the back porch together.
After the initial courting period, and even during IMO, the woman should contribute nearly as much to the dinners and going out adventures as the man (assuming no great difference in salary). When the W and I were going out (after the first few dates where things really took off), we started splitting tabs about 75/25. Shortly after it went to about 60/40 (number of times out, not actually splitting a tab). I guess it remains about the same now, I really don't keep track. I can tell you I'm a bit more frugal now than then. We're trying to secure our future together, and doing that financially can be very difficult when you're spending like you're on a date all the time.
I'm very wary of any woman who believes a man should pay all the time. That works for a few dates (but I prefer for them to offer to pay half, even if I won't let them). After that, it's time for the tabs to start getting split up a bit. They add up! It's not too hard to spend $150 to $200 on a decent dinner with drinks. Do that 4 times a month, and well, it adds up quick!
When you go out, does he open doors for you?
Let you order first?
Seat you?
Treat you respectfully?
And other than that, does he show you he cares in non-gift or monetary ways? Like listening to you. Showing affection? Going out and doing things with you? Spending time with you? Quality time? That can be cooking a dinner together instead of going out. That can be taking a walk together. Sitting out on the back porch together.
After the initial courting period, and even during IMO, the woman should contribute nearly as much to the dinners and going out adventures as the man (assuming no great difference in salary). When the W and I were going out (after the first few dates where things really took off), we started splitting tabs about 75/25. Shortly after it went to about 60/40 (number of times out, not actually splitting a tab). I guess it remains about the same now, I really don't keep track. I can tell you I'm a bit more frugal now than then. We're trying to secure our future together, and doing that financially can be very difficult when you're spending like you're on a date all the time.
I'm very wary of any woman who believes a man should pay all the time. That works for a few dates (but I prefer for them to offer to pay half, even if I won't let them). After that, it's time for the tabs to start getting split up a bit. They add up! It's not too hard to spend $150 to $200 on a decent dinner with drinks. Do that 4 times a month, and well, it adds up quick!
Joined
·
14,147 Posts
Sounds to me you are NOT compatible... for one.. some people are naturally frugal... Me & mine are like that.... it is so much MORE about spending time together, over eating at expensive restaurants or buying little gifts... I've never felt less loved by his not showering me with "things". I don't need special treatment like that ~ I guess it is all in what a person craves.
It doesn't mean he isn't into you, but he likely has his future in mind... building for something... a priority on saving, it's a tough economy out there. The wise man saves. Some may call him "cheap"... but if you could look 20 yrs into the future.. it may tell another story.
And guys do notice other women... There is "in passing" noticing.... then there is "in your face gawking" at other chicks....is he getting carried away or are you being a little over sensitive ?
Even the best of men still LOOK.
Good questions asked here >>
Could be that HIS Love languages are different from Your Love Languages & you are missing each other....not filling each others love tanks -because you feel
The 5 Love Languages are :
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
When you said "treat like a lady" I thought you meant he didn't open doors for you, walk on the street side of the sidewalk, let you choose where to sit first, or hold the umbrella over your head.
I've only been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and he has taken me out to a restaurant about 6 times. (Note I only dated every other weekend for several months before he met my daughter and he could come around more often.)
We eat in at both of our homes, watch movies and snuggle... I bought a groupon for a Brazilian restaurant and it's my treat when we go. He probably earns more than I do (we've never discussed his salary) and I have a child on top of that, but his gentlemanly kindness is expressed by gestures such as always refilling my glass when he gets up, always putting the seat down, spending time with me AND my daughter, keeping my favorite beverages at his house and making future plans.
I've only been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and he has taken me out to a restaurant about 6 times. (Note I only dated every other weekend for several months before he met my daughter and he could come around more often.)
We eat in at both of our homes, watch movies and snuggle... I bought a groupon for a Brazilian restaurant and it's my treat when we go. He probably earns more than I do (we've never discussed his salary) and I have a child on top of that, but his gentlemanly kindness is expressed by gestures such as always refilling my glass when he gets up, always putting the seat down, spending time with me AND my daughter, keeping my favorite beverages at his house and making future plans.
Joined
·
208 Posts
I've been with a cheap guy and I know how bad it can be. When I wasn't earning, everything from getting a new toothbrush when mine had one bristle left, to complaints that I used 'too much' TP would become a huge issue. Its not about being materialistic, its about feeling like you're worth it. Sorry to say it but being in love costs more money than being single. And if you're not on the same page about your finances from the beginning then it'll only get worse.
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
When he notices other women it's ok to notice other men. My h used to point out girls or look at them, then I started saying things like 'wow that man over there has a good physique". That stopped him cold. They need to see how it feels for us to hear and see that sort of behavior. He didnt like it and I told him I did it to show him how it feels. He finally got it.
Joined
·
2,308 Posts
I couldn't agree with Prodigal more.
If that's really how you feel, why are you with him? Why put up with someone you don't feel respects you? Because you're afraid to be alone? Because you like the comfortability of it?
You're not married........stop settling.
That being said, if I take what you say at face value you sound incredibly shallow. Either you have good instincts and aren't listening to your gut, or you are a gold-digger. Either way though, if you aren't happy with your situation, do something about it.
If that's really how you feel, why are you with him? Why put up with someone you don't feel respects you? Because you're afraid to be alone? Because you like the comfortability of it?
You're not married........stop settling.
That being said, if I take what you say at face value you sound incredibly shallow. Either you have good instincts and aren't listening to your gut, or you are a gold-digger. Either way though, if you aren't happy with your situation, do something about it.
Joined
·
1,696 Posts
Measuring he level of "into you" by the amount of cash he splashes around with you? That's nice...
I case you are wondering what you did by pointing that out is basically an insult to a man. The equivalent to your gender would be something along the lines of "why don't you put an effort in order to look good when we go out?". I'm pretty sure you would not like to hear that.
Plenty of fish in the sea. Just go hunt for that billionaire and leave that guy to someone who will appreciate him for who he is.
Selfish... Now that's an interesting word...
Yes, I wonder why a guy who has been accused of not splashing cash around like it grows on trees is checking other girls...
I case you are wondering what you did by pointing that out is basically an insult to a man. The equivalent to your gender would be something along the lines of "why don't you put an effort in order to look good when we go out?". I'm pretty sure you would not like to hear that.
Plenty of fish in the sea. Just go hunt for that billionaire and leave that guy to someone who will appreciate him for who he is.
Joined
·
141 Posts
Hey, the 50/50 [email protected] sounds nice, but only if you earn the same wage, and have equal financial responsibilities.
I know women make 3/4 what men do..doing the same job..
AND single mothers who feel they have to pay half, and do split the bill....so they feel equal.
I am thinking about a friend with 2 kids, barely making ends meet, her "boyfriend" spends tons on himself...she pays half....to be equal.
Pththhhhbt.
Better yet, his favorite thing to do is have a home cooked meal...that she buys and prepares. I don't see how this is a date, I mean with her shopping,cooking and cleaning. I wonder if he even considers groceries a half and half.
But I digress. Whoever has more expendable income, male or female, should pay the lions share, if you are the higher wage one and don't like that idea, find a date who makes better green.
I know women make 3/4 what men do..doing the same job..
AND single mothers who feel they have to pay half, and do split the bill....so they feel equal.
I am thinking about a friend with 2 kids, barely making ends meet, her "boyfriend" spends tons on himself...she pays half....to be equal.
Pththhhhbt.
Better yet, his favorite thing to do is have a home cooked meal...that she buys and prepares. I don't see how this is a date, I mean with her shopping,cooking and cleaning. I wonder if he even considers groceries a half and half.
But I digress. Whoever has more expendable income, male or female, should pay the lions share, if you are the higher wage one and don't like that idea, find a date who makes better green.
Joined
·
141 Posts
I get how you feel, my H used to be cheap, but he has so many positives in other areas that I learned to deal with it.
He is not that way now....but he spends more, I spend less
Maybe we balanced out. Idk.
He is not that way now....but he spends more, I spend less
Maybe we balanced out. Idk.
Joined
·
141 Posts
PS. She is allowed to have her feelings. She is allowed ( most MC s encourage) bringing feelings and concerns up. Complaints are healthy for a marriage. Trying to shame her for asking advice is not healthy...jmho.
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Do you offer to pay when you go out?
Joined
·
4,695 Posts
I think frugal is sexy!
but if you get capyian frugal with miss spend thrift then it usually don't work out!
cut your losses. look for a rich man
but if you get capyian frugal with miss spend thrift then it usually don't work out!
cut your losses. look for a rich man
I certainly don't view OP as a gold digger. I mean, it's been 3 years. If she was looking to strike it rich, she'd have her answer by now. Anyways, has he always been this way with you? Why after 3 years is it suddenly an issue? Bottom line: you don't FEEL like a priority. Regardless of the reason, that's a problem. Sounds like you're at the proverbial fork in the road; Just know that things don't magically change on their own.
:iagree::iagree:
I have also been with cheap men. It felt like they didn't think I was worth it; these idiots complained about the gas money it cost to pick me up! :rofl: Another bought me a DRUGSTORE PAPERBACK BOOK for Christmas. Miserly people are often very stingy emotionally as well.
Nothing is wrong with managing money well, but there is something strange about wanting to split every bill down the middle or refusing to treat a lover once in a while.
A man in love does not quibble over every little penny. When I was dating my husband, he rarely let me pay. It was a nice change.
1 - 20 of 50 Posts
- Status
Join the discussion
