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Ummm. Aren't you kind of saying being married gives people the ability to become lax in how they treat their partner because it's harder to leave a marriage than a relationship that isn't marriage?
It also means that you don't have to look your best whenever you two are together.
 

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Yes.

A popular example is one spouse has health insurance he/she can put a spouse on, but not a BF or GF.

I know people who have kept marriages for this reason, while both spouses cohabit w/ others.
This is one of the things I use to illustrate the differences between legal marriage and religious/social marriage.

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My first marriage was confining, and I wish I hadn't married her. It was unreasonably difficult, time consuming, and costly to get out of it, too. This marriage is liberating, even though we married mostly to obtain benefits - o/w, we wouldn't have needed to or bothered as things were (and are) great anyway.
This is my current legal wife and I. We only got the legal recognition for the legal benefits.

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Discussion Starter #25
If your partner works for a Catholic organization and you need the health insurance, you better be married. 2 years ago, even as I could barely breathe due to coming out of remission, I still couldn't make an appointment with anyone because my husband's employer withheld the health insurance until we produced the marriage certificate. So much for the good Samaritan reputation of Catholic entities.........
Well, if they made that exception for you, then they would have to make it for everyone, and then they would probably be unable to offer the insurance at all because people would try to take advantage of that.
It's not about being "good Samaritans", it's about being financially responsible so that those who are really allowed to be covered aren't denied because others are taking advantage of benefits they don't qualify for.
 

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I would like to add to my wife's posting in this thread the value of a loving spiritual and emotional commitment openly shared in the public presence of the people closest to us.

When she asked me why I loved her I shared that loving her was "good for my soul" but I also shared that being "good for one's soul is a two-way street and that I felt she knew my love for her was just as good for her... just as honest, just as true.

Marriage to me is a truth above truths, it is a promise shown in actions and not only words, that I am held in and to a series of promises shared in front of all that I will not take lightly, and I am afforded the pleasure of now being able to be appreciated for being and giving love as the man I am.

Could one do that without paper and rings? Sure, but the rings on our hands hold a different value in the promises that are kept with every glance and for me marriage is a lasting devotion and commitment, the ability to truly share "I know you and am promise-bound to you" and that alone combines the trinity of "I like you, I love you, and I trust you with all I am".

I doubt seriously if I would have had previous marriages if I understood then what I have learned now... I am blessed to have a love that marriage helped grow.
 

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It also means that you don't have to look your best whenever you two are together.
So, you don't have to be on your best behavior OR look your best with a spouse, but if you are merely life partners without the marriage certificate you do?

Well then I changed my original answer in this thread!!!!! Sign me up for the life partner for the next 35 years and not a spouse, if that's how it works (ie less effort in the relationship in your behaviors and physical presence because--- marriage certificate).
 

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Discussion Starter #29
Well, @Emerging Buddhist and I met when we were 56yo and married when we were 57yo, so I think we are precisely your demographic! He had a marriage of almost 30 years, and I was divorced once and widowed once. So on one hand, I understand what you mean and agree that there can be commitment without the "paper." In fact, I told him that I thought of commitment as what is between us, and even though we are married, I want him to stay because he wants to be here...not out of obligation to some commitment.

And yet (and this is a big "and yet"), to me, getting married was not only commitment between us, but also PUBLIC commitment to each other in front of our family and friends. It's also LEGAL commitment to each other in front of "society" that yep, we are one unit. Now, the day-to-day acting out of the commitment is still between us, just as our parents' marriages and siblings' marriages about between them and their spouse. But to me, the public declaration and celebration is like an additional layer of family's joining together.

In the event of medical emergency or financial emergency, we know each other's wishes and we have to trust that the other will execute our wishes as we want...but you'd have that whether need to trust whether there was a marriage or not. WITH a marriage, now the other has the authority to do our wishes.
I would like to add to my wife's posting in this thread the value of a loving spiritual and emotional commitment openly shared in the public presence of the people closest to us.

When she asked me why I loved her I shared that loving her was "good for my soul" but I also shared that being "good for one's soul is a two-way street and that I felt she knew my love for her was just as good for hers... just as honest, just as true.

Marriage to me is a truth above truths, it is a promise shown in actions and not only words, that I am held in and to a series of promises shared in front of all that I will not take lightly, and I am afforded the pleasure of now being able to be appreciated for being and giving love as the man I am.

Could one do that without paper and rings? Sure, but the rings on our hands hold a different value in the promises that are kept with every glance and for me marriage is a lasting devotion and commitment, the ability to truly share "I know you and am promise-bound to you" and that alone combines the trinity of "I like you, I love you, and I trust you with all I am".

I doubt seriously if I would have had previous marriages if I understood then what I have learned now... I am blessed to have a love that marriage helped grow.
These are BEAUTIFUL responses and reasons!!! THANK YOU for posting them!!!!

(SEE why I want you two to adopt me?? Lol!)
 

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Interesting question LisaDiane!


There is always the old adage 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?' And no ladies, I'm not calling you cows! I think a lot of men feel that they don't need to marry anyone if the sex is easily obtained without commitment.

The number one reason that I'll remarry is because I've fallen in love with the woman I'm dating and will want to live with her for the rest of our lives. Sure, 'living with someone' for an extended period can be easily accomplished and I think I can do that if I have to. I think commitment can be achieved without the certificate too.

However, I personally would rather feel that special commitment that wearing a wedding band would bring to me as her protector-provider. And no, I'm not saying women can't protect or provide for themselves, because many can and do. I just want to ensure that I can be a helpmate that is totally committed to help bring happiness and security to the woman I love and to our relationship as a whole.

I want that circle of trust on my finger. I want to be proud to be my new wife's forever lover. I want to her to feel proud to have me as her husband. I want to feel the pride that having my wedding ring on her finger would bring to me. I want her to be able to look at her wedding band and feel my love and commitment, especially when we're apart.

After seeing my wedding band, I want to hear the sales clerk say to me 'Your wife is a lucky woman to have you as her husband; this is some lovely lingerie you are buying for her.'

Now, having said the above, I will not remarry anyone without first ensuring that we are COMPATIBLE in every way. If that means living together for a period of time, then, so be it!

Obviously, it takes two people to decide to marry. I will not beg or plead with the new love of my life to marry me. It will have to be her decision to enter into that lifetime commitment. If I have done my job, and she is happy with my performance as a partner, hopefully, she'll jump into my arms and ask me to marry her!

If the new love of my life happens to be a mail order girlfriend, access to Canadian Citizenship and free Canadian healthcare will be definite assets for her to become my wife.

Well, that's all I got for now. Flame away posters, flame away. LOL
 

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Interesting question LisaDiane!

The number one reason that I'll remarry is because I've fallen in love with the woman I'm dating and will want to live with her for the rest of our lives.
I guess I do not believe in love for the rest of my life anymore.
 

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I would love to know what everyone on here thinks of this!

If you've already been divorced, and you aren't going to have children, WHAT is the incentive to remarry in your 40's or older...? What is the benefit...?? Why does it matter?

I am not talking about commitment - but you can have commitment without marriage. And I don't need to hear religious reasons...I understand those.

For those you who would want to remarry - or DID - after (at least) one divorce...WHY...???
I think you have a good point. Date, spend time together, have a romantic life together but many times each has their own kids, their own properties, willed assets going to their kids...etc.
What is the actual benefit of legally confusing all of your assets and becoming beholden to lawyers and the courts if, for any reason, you each decide to go your separate ways?

It does seem like there isn't a need or advantage in that.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Interesting question LisaDiane!


There is always the old adage 'Why buy the cow when the milk is free?' And no ladies, I'm not calling you cows! I think a lot of men feel that they don't need to marry anyone if the sex is easily obtained without commitment.

The number one reason that I'll remarry is because I've fallen in love with the woman I'm dating and will want to live with her for the rest of our lives. Sure, 'living with someone' for an extended period can be easily accomplished and I think I can do that if I have to. I think commitment can be achieved without the certificate too.

However, I personally would rather feel that special commitment that wearing a wedding band would bring to me as her protector-provider. And no, I'm not saying women can't protect or provide for themselves, because many can and do. I just want to ensure that I can be a helpmate that is totally committed to help bring happiness and security to the woman I love and to our relationship as a whole.

I want that circle of trust on my finger. I want to be proud to be my new wife's forever lover. I want to her to feel proud to have me as her husband. I want to feel the pride that having my wedding ring on her finger would bring to me. I want her to be able to look at her wedding band and feel my love and commitment, especially when we're apart.

After seeing my wedding band, I want to hear the sales clerk say to me 'Your wife is a lucky woman to have you as her husband; this is some lovely lingerie you are buying for her.'

Now, having said the above, I will not remarry anyone without first ensuring that we are COMPATIBLE in every way. If that means living together for a period of time, then, so be it!

Obviously, it takes two people to decide to marry. I will not beg or plead with the new love of my life to marry me. It will have to be her decision to enter into that lifetime commitment. If I have done my job, and she is happy with my performance as a partner, hopefully, she'll jump into my arms and ask me to marry her!

If the new love of my life happens to be a mail order girlfriend, access to Canadian Citizenship and free Canadian healthcare will be definite assets for her to become my wife.

Well, that's all I got for now. Flame away posters, flame away. LOL
Nice answer!!!

"Mail order bride" made me laugh...!! Lol!
 

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And there's always the whole - if your parachute doesn't open the first two times you jump out of a plane...maybe you won't want to take that plunge and end up splattered all over the ground again...Lol!
That splattered feeling takes more than an Anacin to recover from.
 

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Well, if you think about how you view the different descriptions / titles given to the people with the different relationship statuses.

As for spouses, the majority of people aren't going to have more than one or two. As for BF/GF for many people there's a good chance that there were that many before they were actually an adult.

When someone seeks advice on how to handle some kind of problem in a relationship, the advice for just a monogamous non-spousal relationship often starts with, "Well since you aren't married..." and ends with quiting the relationship.

I know that I view a BF/GF relationship as more fragile and less committed than a spousal relationship but that might be my naivete showing. I think there is a real tangible difference between deciding that you aren't going to date other people and deciding that you're going to get married. Something beyond being Facebook official. If I end up in a relationship with someone that I love and trust, I wouldn't have any problem declaring before God (or anthropomorphic personification of the Universe if you prefer) and man that there might be many women in the world but THIS one is MINE and I am HERS. Displaying at all times our culturally agreed upon symbol of my unavailability and dedication to this one relationship (IE a ring).

The bar to get to that point is going to be different at 40+ than it was at 25 because I have made that commitment and it ended. I still think the institution is often painted in a poor light because of the people that enter into it instead of on its own merit. I wouldn't necessarily expect the day to day activities and interactions within the relationship to change much if at all. I would expect that the problems to be approached more seriously and dealt with with more effort.
 

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I do not think non-married relationship is neccessary weaker. It means that once married people will stay in not satisfying relationship because divorce is big pain.
 
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