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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, i have posted before with other sex problems, but this one is way more serious...

My girlfriend and i have been dating for 2 and 1/4 years and i love her with my heart and soul. i know there is no one else on this planet as good for me as her. But therein lies the problem. recently she has told me that she is scared about our future together. She says that she isnt sure if im the one. This wouldnt be so bad except that even up to a year ago, we were so happy together. we talked about our future; marriage, a house, kids, etc. and she was sure about me back then. Now not so much....

She says and i know she loves me and she even says she wants to be with me, that i make her happy and comfortable. The problem is that the passion that was so prevalent in our relationship before is no where to be found for her. she says she doesnt get the same feeling when we kiss as before. This is so hard for both of us because we both want the passion back so badly. were only 19 so this shouldnt be happening, right?

I need help because i dont know what to do or how to help her. and if you have any advice to give, please dont say anything like, "Look for someone else" or "its time to leave" because that is certainly not an option. this girl is my world and if i lose her, i lose my heart and soul.

Please help me...
 

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For the first six months to a year your mind and body are changed by a new relationship by a chemical released into the body, this is the butterflies in the stomach affect. It always fades. Also many people get too comfortable in relationships and let the little things like dating take a back seat to mundane life.

Look at your relationship and look for what shanged. Can you get that back and can you do that for the rest of your life to have your love back?

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thank you draconis. that helps. and is there anything i can do to help her or is that completely out of my control?
 

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I have to agree with Draconis.

Answer to the next question-- You can only change you , you cannot change her, she has to want to do that herself. It doesn't matter what age you are, passion ebbs and flows. I still get butterflies in my stomach once in a while :)

As for being so young, you have your whole life in front of you. If it is not meant to be, then let her go and find a woman who wants to be with you. My first husband died when I was 28. I thought my world ended. My life actually just began---heartbreaks hurt but if she is not willing to try and make things right, then you'll experience more heartache later. I hope I wasn't too harsh in my reply.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Not too harsh at all. thank you and i do understand where you're coming from. i do know that she does want to be with me and she does want the passion back. its just a matter of how to do it thats the problem. everytime i think back on all of the times that have been so great i still smile and it makes me so happy, and its something to look forward to.....hopefully.
 

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I know so many people that stop doing the cute, fun stuff. Never give that up. Give her cards, notes, flowers and emails out of the blue. Go on dates, hold her hand when you are out, give her regular hugs and kisses. Cuddle often.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I do give her flowers and notes, we always hold hands, and we always hug and kiss and cuddle. and she does enjoy all that. so how can this be that she doesnt know if im mr. right?

We sometimes get into tiffs about things....i asked her if i could call her today at noon on my work break, if she would have her cell on her and would pick up, but when i called at 12:04, she didnt pick up, just as i had predicted. i called at the end of my break one last time and she answered and said she couldnt talk cuz she was out. i would normally have no problem with this, except she said she'd be there and then just wasnt.

And here is the kicker......whenever i ask myself if im sure she is the one for me, even in the heat of a big argument, the answer is always 100% yes. and it kills me that she isnt sure anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all for your comments. i want to give you an update.

Now we're talking about dating other people for a period. The more i think about it, the less i want to do it. i cant stand the idea of someone else touching her the way we touch, sexually and just cuddling. when i think about it, i just imagine her with someone else in a sexual situation, its like sticking pins in my heart. to her, sex with someone else while "apart but still together" doesnt have to mean anything, but to me, even a kiss means quite a bit.

She doesnt even know for sure if she wants to do this tho....so im still in the dark
 

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I'll give you a very old reasoning...if you love someone immensly..let go...if she comes back she was always meant for you...if she does not...well you were anyways not destined to be together...I know this for a fact because I also had the same situation with my boyfirend...at that time I thought he was the one...and I was pretty sure..but he was not..now after 5 years a marriage and a kid...I know that letting go of him was hard but I am much happier and truly in love with my husband...and the love is mutual...something I would have never got from my ex even if we were married......
 

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Have her read this post. It will do her some good.

For the very beginning of a relationship, there is always a bonding phase where you are both getting to know each other, to discover each other, discover things about yourself, and also feel new things. The 'new' feeling of a relationship USUALLY gets replaced with familiarity. That familiarity can also be associated with comfort. The 'new' feeling, as we'll call it, is when we get the butterflies in our stomache... when your heart skips a beat on occasion because you just saw your mate... when you get to feeling 'I am so glad I found my mate'... that is the beginning of acceptance into associating a future with this person.

Obviously she's thought of a future with you. Thats good. Now, you can get her happy about being with you again, and thats good. You have to put the passion back. Maybe try some different things (and I mean that in more than one way)... you ever been skydiving? I'm telling you, its a rush. That alone will put her on cloud nine just from the endorphine accelleration in her brain... but then.... when you get ready for later that evening.... that endorphine will still be in her system a little. Have fun, lol.

But really, make sure she knows you love her. Go oiuot of the way to do some things for her. Buy her some small gifts here and there. Don't have to be alot, just something simple. I get my wife a single rose as often as I can. Now that might be once a week, sometimes every two weeks. But its something to let her know that I am thinking of her. Get her some of her favorite snack., My wife loves chocolate covered strawberries. It would be even better if YOU made the chocolate covered strawberries. I mean, its not a hard recipe, lol. Melt some chocolate down in a double boiler, dip the strawberries, let cool on waxed paper. She'll go ga ga... especially if she watches you make them.

That 'new' feeling can be kept around a while. You just have to work at it. Thats where Jane and I are now. We're working on getting that feeling back. And slowly, we're doing it.

As far as the dating goes... not a good idea. If she wants to try to work things out with you, then thats not a good idea.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
thank you for that, unfortunately things arent any better yet. what we have decided to do starting today is go on a break. this doesnt mean we are dating other people because neither of us ant to date anyone else. this is for her so she can be sure about me. we will still talk on the phone, but just not see eachother. i am so scared right now because what if she realizes that she actually doesnt want me. i mean, she says she thinks she does and that she just wants to make sure.

we havent had sex in over 2 weeks and its because she doesnt want to. she says she wants to want to and that its not me and its not that she wants anyone else. i guess sex, or more simply, intimacy, is what we lack as a couple and i hope that this will help get it back. any feedback would be nice.
 

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thank you for that, unfortunately things arent any better yet. what we have decided to do starting today is go on a break. this doesnt mean we are dating other people because neither of us ant to date anyone else. this is for her so she can be sure about me. we will still talk on the phone, but just not see eachother. i am so scared right now because what if she realizes that she actually doesnt want me. i mean, she says she thinks she does and that she just wants to make sure.

we havent had sex in over 2 weeks and its because she doesnt want to. she says she wants to want to and that its not me and its not that she wants anyone else. i guess sex, or more simply, intimacy, is what we lack as a couple and i hope that this will help get it back. any feedback would be nice.
Ah....to be 19 again!

Do you have any reason to be scared of? How many times do you see each other now? You know the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? The time spent apart makes you care for a person even more. Based on what you posted, I'd say the girl loves you so I wouldn't worry if I were you. Just trust her and don't make any foolish things right now that would make her come to a decision that you would regret. Maybe she's just testing you, who knows..
 

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I must say I disagree with the vast majority of the advice in this thread, which sucks, because my following opinion will be outnumbered.

As ive said in other threads, a woman DOES NOT leave a man she WANTS for a break. A woman is capable of pretty vicious things if she thinks another woman is after a man she wants, and she will do everything in her power to keep a man who drives her crazy.

The advice about giving frequent gifts I personally disagree with. Occassionally and totally unexpected? Sure. Frequently? No, because it takes the meaning away from the act. For example, if you CONSTANTLY say I love you, you lessen the impact those words have when you say them. I remember someone from another thread saying "Nothing in high supply is valued highly." Sure, you want your lover to know that you love them, and the giver within should prompt an occassional gift totally at random to let her know you think of her, and without any expectation of return gifts.

Im willing to bet that you are simply focusing your life on her and telling her constantly both overtly and subtly that you NEED her to make your life valuable. You need to be a MAN and have a life outside your relationship. Even a marriage rests on two people SHARING their lives making certain decisions jointly in the interest of being together, while NOT being the PURPOSE of life.

You want my advice? Hit the gym, work on your car, go out and have a good time with the buddies. She wants seperation? Ok. She said she "was out," right? Yup. So you better yourself and improve your life. Do those things you enjoy, try some activities that get the dopamine flowing in the brain and endorphins going in the body, and most of all DONT CLING TO HER MOOD OR DECISIONS. Dont hide anything, but dont volunteer it either.

So your out with the buds at the club and she calls --> "Oh hey (her name)... Hey, we'll talk later- hanging out with some bros at the club. Later.." Any activities you do that are exciting, or socially stimulating, will cause her to see the man she was attracted to when the relationship started.

You DO NOT allow her to whip you with an attitude or emotional/relationship talk. Make her anticipate your activities- "Wow... SKYDIVING?! You never mentioned you would do that." "Yeah, well every bad*** has to skydive on occassion in his life, right?" (****y and funny).

You need to own your life, own confidence, build anticipation, appear engaged in your own life, improving yourself, etc. Get a new haircut and some nice clothes, etc.

This is a long post, and it would take me forever to cover all the things you could do to build passion back in the relationship, but I will close this post with this: you want to be the man, you want to be masculine (****y but funny and not arrogant), you need to take no crap, you need to reinvent and improve yourself, and you need to approach her thinking to yourself "I was single before, and I can find another woman if shes gonna let this macho go."
 

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I agree with some of what OptimisticPessimist said. If you're constantly telling her how much you love her, and how she's your whole life, and your future, and all that, she might be feeling very smothered and pressured and that's why she wants a break. No one wants to be absolutely everything to someone...that's just too much pressure.

I also agree with the advice to get some hobbies and interests that don't involve her, and that give you a life outside the relationship. I think that's a good idea for more than one reason. One is, obviously, it will make her see you differently, get her excited about you again. Another is that it gives you something to focus on other than her. A third is that by developing new hobbies and interests, you learn more about yourself and what you enjoy, and so if this relationship doesn't work out, you'll know more about yourself for next time and possibly have opened yourself up to meeting someone new that you'll have lots in common with.

With all that said, I also agree with the notion that if she really loved you and wanted to be with you, she wouldn't want a break, whether to date others or not. Even in moments of uncertainty, we women tend to want to hang on to what we've got until we're positive that he's just not what we want. Especially when deep down we know that he's the one and he's a great guy and we just have some superficial doubts, we would really hold on to him, because we don't want to risk losing the man we love and really want to be with. The fact that she's willing to step away and take that risk tells me that she's pretty much made up her mind that she's out, and is just telling you she thinks she wants you and just needs time because she doesn't really want to hurt you.

It sucks, I know, but honestly, if she doesn't really want to be with you, then you're better off without her. No one should be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want them; nor should someone be in a relationship because the other person made them feel like they had to stay or their world would fall apart. You deserve better than that; she deserves better than that. Don't settle for a one-sided relationship just because you're so positive right now that she's the one. If this ends, it's for the best, it means there's someone else out there that's meant for you and you'll be much happier with that person.
 

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I think you need to understand that very rarely do young lovers together make it to old lover together.

both of you are at an age where you are maturing, tastes in people, clothes and activities are gong to change. In reality, she is probably going to mature in these ways sooner than you.

The advice OptomisticPessemist gave is right on. Let her go and develop on your own.

And remember you aren't the first to go through this. You post reminds me of the pain I felt when my first girlfriend and I broke up. It was heart wrenching for me and I don't wish that on anyone. But I got over it and so will you.
 
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