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Maybe she has been in her affair for a year or two. That could be why she wasn’t there for OP when his dad passed away. She didn’t start and end her affair by ****ing the married friend at the time OP stopped talking with his friend. She is lying about the time frame of her affair.
 

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I think some folks would benefit from reading Not Just Friends. This is really interesting that his behavior is being so minimized. Absolutely an emotional affair (at minimum) and he admits it, yet people are telling him it’s not. Unbelievable.
QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.

I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.
 

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Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair.
^^^ THIS.

This is precisely what happened to me. I would just take out the "they do not know about." Cheaters have a tendency to throw out The Name once in a while just so as to normalize/formalize his presence in the couple's lives.
 

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Is the OP lying about having a PA? Yea maybe. Maybe not.

I suspect he’s not an idiot and knew more than he’s letting on about that emotional connection that was building between them. I would guess he was in the EA…and then snapped out of it when she wanted more.

As @QuietRiot said…flip it around. If a woman was here posting and told the story of her meeting what she thought was a supportive guy, but then she broke it off when he made advances… I’d say the same thing. She knew it was an EA…then panicked and pulled the plug.

Many TAM posters lie in their post and always tell just one side of the story.

But what advice is different if OP had a PA or not? Their marriage is toast, his wife is in love with a long time guy from her past, she probably hates OP for having the affair and is using that to justify whatever she wants to do.

So…OP…move on. Go to a lawyer and get the deed done.
 

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Was your wife's affair physical?

Your situation barely sounds like an affair. You got too close, realized it and ended it. Maybe technically an EA but not by much. What was hers like?

It sounds like more was going on with her and that is why she does not want to tell you. Or that it was with someone you know.
 

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To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind
Divorce immediately. You both orchestrated and carried out destructive actions against your marriage.

You are the only one willing to be transparent and do the rebuilding and that will never work.

Send her down the road buddy. She had the tools to f up her marriage, just like you, but unlike you, she isn't capable of doing what's necessary to help her marriage heal.

She isn't your partner anymore. She is your enemy and that is apparently where she wants to stay.

Can't have divided loyalties.

See a lawyer and get it done.
 

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OP, the best way for you to put this dumpster fire out is just to simply get your personal affairs sorted and lawyer up.
Then, have her served hard and cold.
That'll harsh her buzz, and who knows what she'll want to do then.
However if you are smart, you'll just go ahead and stick the proverbial fork in it.
You screwed up, I'm not going to defend you.
However, your situation was somewhat limited in scope (EA), and you pulled it in before it went over the top.
Your spouse would have been correct and justified to divorce you, or exercise the other option of working through it.
Instead, she went scorched earth to a full blown affair, purely for spite, and bragged about it to others.
That speaks to the kind of person she is, and frankly, you should want better for yourself.
It sounds inevitable that the two of you are going to end up divorced anyway, because neither of you appear to have the skill set to constructively deal with the rigors of trauma, and instead transform it to drama. In your own best interests, just make it stop, for good.
 

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In my head it was because I did not tell my wife.
If your relationship with this woman was truly platonic and it was simply a buddy system for support, why didn't you tell your wife about her from the beginning?
To start I had an affair.
Yes, I agree with this statement. The moment you decided to hide this woman from your wife and talk to her and meet with her behind your wife's back, it was an affair, you were cheating.
We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.
So you both were flirting with each other, but it was by accident because you're so innocent, pure as the driven snow, you were not aware that you were flirting and that she was too. But once you realized you both were flirting with each other, you immediately cut off the relationship. You dropped her like a hot potato. If anyone actually believes that, I might have a bridge to sell you! LOL.

None of it sounds innocent or by accident to me. An accident is forgetting to tie your shoe laces and falling. Forgetting about your wife and falling for another woman is not an accident.

Were there not any grieving men on that website -- a man who was also grieving the loss of his father who you may have related to better? But I guess you couldn't accidentally flirt with a male support buddy.

Also, eight long months. I bet the two of you sat in a malt shop gulping milkshakes for the eight months of your relationship.:rolleyes: By the way, where did you tell your wife you were going when you met up with this woman?
Yes we never got physical but I would say that before I ended it that it was heading that way.
Such good behavior, especially for a married man who secretly met up with a woman he met online. If I had any stickers, I would give you one.

What happened to make you think it was heading towards a sexual relationship? Also, could you please define what you define as "flirting"?
we had started flirting
We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.
You make her sound like the big bad wolf and yourself like innocent little red riding hood.
You said you BOTH flirted with each other. Perhaps you led her on by flirting with her. Btw, was she married too? If yes, did she hide you from her husband?
I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
Maybe if you had offered her the same courtesy, she would.
 

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Stick a fork in it and pitch it in the bin unless you want the rest of your life to be you and your wife 'one upping' each other through infidelity.

You would be well served to explain your 'affair' and hers in a little more detail. You have replies that are all over the map due to your vague description of what went down.
 

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QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.

I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.
I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty.

Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳

Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.
 

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So going to a psych Dr or counselor of opposite sex and not telling your spouse about it, is likewise an EA. There are a lot of EAs going on in this country.
I really think we need to open a thread on what an EA is and is not and why it is so destructive to marriages. Counseling is done with a professional that has the moral and professional obligation to not get romantically involved and is considered and paid for under healthcare services. Can you not see the difference here? I’ll start a thread when we are all nice and fat on Turkey.


On the other hand his wife was ****ing a mutual friend that is married. Something some of the females on here are ok with because OP “cheated” first.
No way, his wife is absolutely not ok. If I approved of revenge affairs, I would have cheated on my STBX and then left him, I had nothing to lose. But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.
 

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I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty.

Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳

Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.
Here’s the difference in my case. My wife is meeting guys all the time at work. The interaction goes with her job and I know nothing about it. I really don’t care who she works with unless she feels the need for me to know something. She does speak about a few of them and the jokes or comments they have made. Not all of it is work related.

How is this so different in OP’s situation. He found an online support group to help him through this. We still don’t know why he couldn’t turn to his wife. The female in question is local so they decided to met up and talk over coffee or something. If his wife didn’t care about his loss, I can understand why he didn’t tell her about meeting up to talk about his dad’s death. I would have done the same in this situation as well as considering if I was going to be married much longer. OP says he never had feelings for this other female and as soon as he saw that she did he stopped seeing her.

I don’t see this as cheating. He never formed an emotional connection to her. Was his actions inappropriate, yes. He should have let his wife know he was meeting someone from his support group. But again, if she wasn’t wanting or able to be there for him to begin with, why even bother to let her know.

I just don’t see what he did as cheating.

As for the saying what did he expect with his wife cheating on him. I didn’t mean you. I know you would never condone that.
 

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I really think we need to open a thread on what an EA is and is not and why it is so destructive to marriages. Counseling is done with a professional that has the moral and professional obligation to not get romantically involved and is considered and paid for under healthcare services. Can you not see the difference here? I’ll start a thread when we are all nice and fat on Turkey.




No way, his wife is absolutely not ok. If I approved of revenge affairs, I would have cheated on my STBX and then left him, I had nothing to lose. But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.
How many times do patients and their Dr. have emotional feelings for one another.
Basically you are discounting the AA/NA program since they are not trained professionals. Where he messed up is confiding in a woman. What happened is no different than a guy getting an AA/NA sponsor that is woman and after realizing she had developed emotional feelings, he cut her off.
 

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Here’s the difference in my case. My wife is meeting guys all the time at work. The interaction goes with her job and I know nothing about it. I really don’t care who she works with unless she feels the need for me to know something. She does speak about a few of them and the jokes or comments they have made. Not all of it is work related.

How is this so different in OP’s situation. He found an online support group to help him through this. We still don’t know why he couldn’t turn to his wife. The female in question is local so they decided to met up and talk over coffee or something. If his wife didn’t care about his loss, I can understand why he didn’t tell her about meeting up to talk about his dad’s death. I would have done the same in this situation as well as considering if I was going to be married much longer. OP says he never had feelings for this other female and as soon as he saw that she did he stopped seeing her.

I don’t see this as cheating. He never formed an emotional connection to her. Was his actions inappropriate, yes. He should have let his wife know he was meeting someone from his support group. But again, if she wasn’t wanting or able to be there for him to begin with, why even bother to let her know.

I just don’t see what he did as cheating.

As for the saying what did he expect with his wife cheating on him. I didn’t mean you. I know you would never condone that.
I figure him not turning to his wife for support as she was distraught because her (dad?) had passed just before the OPs. Maybe she was not emotionally stable enough the help her hubby while she was also dealing with the grief from her own loss.
 

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I said my piece.

Eight meetings (alone) with a strange and estranged woman is rather excessive.
He very likely emptyed his heart, not his.....

I am amenable to reason.
The optics alone, look bad.

Thus, I relent.
I will not eat crow, they fester in my craw.

Caw, caw.
 
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How many times do patients and their Dr. have emotional feelings for one another.
Basically you are discounting the AA/NA program since they are not trained professionals. Where he messed up is confiding in a woman. What happened is no different than a guy getting an AA/NA sponsor that is woman and after realizing she had developed emotional feelings, he cut her off.
I think we would be threadjacking to not move this specific part to another thread I will do so soon.

He himself also admits it was an affair, every woman as a spouse I know of would absolutely consider this cheating, and many WORSE than having sex with her. Just keep that in mind. He KNOWS he betrayed his wife. And she knows she betrayed him. Marriage is done.
 

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I think we would be threadjacking to not move this specific part to another thread I will do so soon.

He himself also admits it was an affair, every woman as a spouse I know of would absolutely consider this cheating, and many WORSE than having sex with her. Just keep that in mind. He KNOWS he betrayed his wife. And she knows she betrayed him. Marriage is done.
Your last sentence is an enormous assumption. D may happen, but so may R. People have gotten through much worse than this; the future belongs in their hands and fate isn't written quite yet.
 

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Your last sentence is an enormous assumption. D may happen, but so may R. People have gotten through much worse than this; the future belongs in their hands and fate isn't written quite yet.
Based on what a remorseful cheater does, no.
They might reconcile but it’ll be a rug sweep. Until she leaves him for someone else, while cheating all along. She doesn’t respect him anymore (if she ever did).
 
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