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Truthfully I don’t know why I haven’t over than I am not sure I want to mess that family up to.
The family is already messes up, he is in it. If you are not willing to let that woman know the farce of a marriage she is in, to me makes you culpable in him and your wife's adultry. If you are willing to not step up and do the right thing by informing the woman about her situation, you do not deserve to know the info you want.
 

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I understand that my attention span and compression level are on par with a 10 year old but it would do a lot of people some good to actually read (and reread) what has been written….before posting.
I went back to find where OP said he checked out of his marriage for 8 months and met with his AP 8 times. Still missed it.
 

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To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind
It's possible that she is not telling you anything, because she has you right where she wants you and you can't do anything about it because she did what you did.
 

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We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.
This is post #21.

The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.

From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.
 

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Your wife is not wanting to talk about what she did because she knows damn well she f’d up. She knows your were not having sex with the friend and she did with her affair partner. Why stay with someone that can do this to you? She obviously doesn’t love you.

Why didn’t you turn to your wife when your dad passed away?
 

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I've seen a number of times where a WW will exaggerate what her BH is doing into an affair to justify her own affair.

I'm not saying that is what is going on her but it is something for the BH here to consider.
 

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This is post #21.

The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.

From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.
You are taking him at his word. He sounds just like a cheater that’s minimizing. It was cheating because he felt the need to keep it secret. I don’t believe a word.
 

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But in post 19, Snowbum was already responding to the information. Perhaps there are other posts in other forums that people are reading simultaneously?
I’ll tell you something though, this story sounds so complicated and “oh by the way this happened” that it reminds me exactly what having a conversation is like when that person is trickle truthing and gaslighting. If you think this is confusing, try having a conversation like this in person.

“I did this, but it wasn’t that big of deal. We are just friends. I never touched her. I was tricked. It wasn’t me doing it. I swear I didn’t touch her. I only met her 8 times. It was an affair. No it was an EA. No it was a friendship. What you did is worse.”

This is cheater talk people!!!
 

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I’ll tell you something though, this story sounds so complicated and “oh by the way this happened” that it reminds me exactly what having a conversation is like when that person is trickle truthing and gaslighting. If you think this is confusing, try having a conversation like this in person.

“I did this, but it wasn’t that big of deal. We are just friends. I never touched her. I was tricked. It wasn’t me doing it. I swear I didn’t touch her. I only met her 8 times. It was an affair. No it was an EA. No it was a friendship. What you did is worse.”

This is cheater talk people!!!
Not complicated at all. Wife's dad passed just before his did. They were both grieving. He started on a bereavement site for people who lost a parent or some such. Like an alcoholic going to AA. He made friends with a woman there who had lost someone. When they were down, they would meet and talk about it.

His mistake was befriending a woman and not a guy to talk to when he was down. When woman started wanting to meet in private location and started flirting, he saw that she had other motives, so he distanced himself from her.

In mean time wife handles her bereavement and finding out hubby is confiding in a woman he met from a bereavement group by screwing old friend. And is refusing to discuss her adultrous sexcapades.

Sounds pretty simple to me. She is for the streets.
 
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