Let me ask you a question, if she does tell you whatever it is you want to know about him, will it make it OK? Or will there be something else that you become fixated on?
my point here is that it is very common for people to fixate on something and not be able to let that go and lay awake nights obsessing about that one thing and even if their WS tells them why or who or how or where or when, it really doesn’t help them.
I knew a guy who’s wife cheated and he became fixated that she wore a certain pair of earrings and he couldn’t get passed it and would grill her on why she wore those earrings when she got with the other man.
a cousin of mine’s marriage was crumbling down around them and he knew they were headed for divorce and he strongly suspected she was getting with someone else and he really didn’t care that much and it didn’t bother him that much……. Until he noticed she had painted her toenails bring red and she hadn’t done that in many years prior to the affair and now he was livid.
So I’m not saying you don’t have a reason or even a right to know. But I am saying that your marriage is a dumpster fire and you have a ton of issues and problems and getting the answers you want on this issue will not make a substantive difference in the rest of your problems.
If you two want to remain together and have a healthy and somewhat happy marriage, you will likely need professional intervention and guidance in ALL of the areas of dysfunction in your marriage and not just what the OM’s middle name is.