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What did you do when you met 8 times? I’m guessing something happened.
We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.
 

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he just has told other people the female and male friends about both of ours. It is the her wanting to protect them that is what bothers me most.
Really? You're not royally ticked off that she's blabbing about marital infidelity to a number of people?

So she refuses to discuss her affair with YOU but doesn't mind hashing it out with "friends." Got it.

Jeesh! Disrespect much????
 

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To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind
You cheated first, so I guess she figures she doesn't even have to play by your rules anymore.
 

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So let me get this straight, you met 8 times with a woman you met online, but it was so innocent and platonic that you kept it a secret from your wife. Sigh.

Yeah. Sure. Also, your wife probably did know but instead of caring about it she decided to go hookup too. Open marriage both ways now.

I feel no sorrys for you.
 

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You cheated first, so I guess she figures she doesn't even have to play by your rules anymore.
OP’s actions converted the closed marriage into an open marriage. There was no longer a monogamous marriage upon which to cheat.

EDIT: I suspect that she knew all along that you were secretly meeting with this flirtatious woman. She felt certain that you were having an affair with her. She had a revenge affair. She told you first to hurt you.
 

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Wait…

You had an affair with a woman from a site who understood the relationship between you and your late father?

Your wife had her affair after the death of her father?

Did you both lose your fathers around the same time?
 

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Let me ask you a question, if she does tell you whatever it is you want to know about him, will it make it OK? Or will there be something else that you become fixated on?

my point here is that it is very common for people to fixate on something and not be able to let that go and lay awake nights obsessing about that one thing and even if their WS tells them why or who or how or where or when, it really doesn’t help them.

I knew a guy who’s wife cheated and he became fixated that she wore a certain pair of earrings and he couldn’t get passed it and would grill her on why she wore those earrings when she got with the other man.

a cousin of mine’s marriage was crumbling down around them and he knew they were headed for divorce and he strongly suspected she was getting with someone else and he really didn’t care that much and it didn’t bother him that much……. Until he noticed she had painted her toenails bring red and she hadn’t done that in many years prior to the affair and now he was livid.

So I’m not saying you don’t have a reason or even a right to know. But I am saying that your marriage is a dumpster fire and you have a ton of issues and problems and getting the answers you want on this issue will not make a substantive difference in the rest of your problems.

If you two want to remain together and have a healthy and somewhat happy marriage, you will likely need professional intervention and guidance in ALL of the areas of dysfunction in your marriage and not just what the OM’s middle name is.
 
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