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Why is my wife protecting the affair partner?

8242 Views 101 Replies 37 Participants Last post by  Hopeful Cynic
To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind
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In my head it was because I did not tell my wife.
If your relationship with this woman was truly platonic and it was simply a buddy system for support, why didn't you tell your wife about her from the beginning?
To start I had an affair.
Yes, I agree with this statement. The moment you decided to hide this woman from your wife and talk to her and meet with her behind your wife's back, it was an affair, you were cheating.
We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.
So you both were flirting with each other, but it was by accident because you're so innocent, pure as the driven snow, you were not aware that you were flirting and that she was too. But once you realized you both were flirting with each other, you immediately cut off the relationship. You dropped her like a hot potato. If anyone actually believes that, I might have a bridge to sell you! LOL.

None of it sounds innocent or by accident to me. An accident is forgetting to tie your shoe laces and falling. Forgetting about your wife and falling for another woman is not an accident.

Were there not any grieving men on that website -- a man who was also grieving the loss of his father who you may have related to better? But I guess you couldn't accidentally flirt with a male support buddy.

Also, eight long months. I bet the two of you sat in a malt shop gulping milkshakes for the eight months of your relationship.:rolleyes: By the way, where did you tell your wife you were going when you met up with this woman?
Yes we never got physical but I would say that before I ended it that it was heading that way.
Such good behavior, especially for a married man who secretly met up with a woman he met online. If I had any stickers, I would give you one.

What happened to make you think it was heading towards a sexual relationship? Also, could you please define what you define as "flirting"?
we had started flirting
We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.
You make her sound like the big bad wolf and yourself like innocent little red riding hood.
You said you BOTH flirted with each other. Perhaps you led her on by flirting with her. Btw, was she married too? If yes, did she hide you from her husband?
I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
Maybe if you had offered her the same courtesy, she would.
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But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.
100% agree.
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