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Why is my wife protecting the affair partner?

8271 Views 101 Replies 37 Participants Last post by  Hopeful Cynic
To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind
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Yep, @QuietRiot nailed it. You're being punished.

Going further, she may think she's in love with the guy, while at the same time hating you for what you did.
Which means she will protect him instead of you until the bitter end.

Your marriage is toast.
Go to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.
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We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.
Doesn't sound like much of an affair as those things go, but only you know where your heart was. And apparently, your wife agreed with you.

This makes me wonder... her affair... was your EA the opportunity for her to boldly continue something that was already started?

Who was the guy? Someone she already knew I'll bet.

Either way, your marriage is toast.
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Yes it was. It happened right before I ended mine. She came to me 9 days after and told me who it was and that it had happened. But in that 9 days and I guess leading up to it happening is when she discussed it with her friends I mentioned.
So hers actually started before you revealed yours to her?
So this wasn't a revenge affair, it was 2 people screwing around on each other. Well... yours was online emotional (as opposed to the literal sense of 'screwing around').

Is that it?
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Yes we never got physical but I would say that before I ended it that it was heading that way. Hers started before mine ended and I told her. She did say she knew about mine before I told her.
So now you are plan B.
She's protecting her plan A.

What she says about it now doesn't matter, she is showing you what's important to her.
She loves him and will not allow you to hurt him.
Thus she has to protect him.

Your marriage is toast.
Truthfully I don’t know why I haven’t over than I am not sure I want to mess that family up to.
You didn't. Your wife and the OM did. That wife deserves the truth, just as you did.
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Is the OP lying about having a PA? Yea maybe. Maybe not.

I suspect he’s not an idiot and knew more than he’s letting on about that emotional connection that was building between them. I would guess he was in the EA…and then snapped out of it when she wanted more.

As @QuietRiot said…flip it around. If a woman was here posting and told the story of her meeting what she thought was a supportive guy, but then she broke it off when he made advances… I’d say the same thing. She knew it was an EA…then panicked and pulled the plug.

Many TAM posters lie in their post and always tell just one side of the story.

But what advice is different if OP had a PA or not? Their marriage is toast, his wife is in love with a long time guy from her past, she probably hates OP for having the affair and is using that to justify whatever she wants to do.

So…OP…move on. Go to a lawyer and get the deed done.
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