[QuietRiot]

To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind

Because she was getting even. Getting even doesn’t work if she suddenly starts acting like she has something to make amends for. I’d say she feels fine about it and really, there’s nothing you can say. I think your ruined the marriage and she just euthanized it. You both need to move on.

 

[QuietRiot]

We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.

Oh for Pete’s sake! Come on!

 

[QuietRiot]

So let me get this straight, you met 8 times with a woman you met online, but it was so innocent and platonic that you kept it a secret from your wife. Sigh.

Yeah. Sure. Also, your wife probably did know but instead of caring about it she decided to go hookup too. Open marriage both ways now.

I feel no sorrys for you.

 

[QuietRiot]

I went back to find where OP said he checked out of his marriage for 8 months and met with his AP 8 times. Still missed it.

Post #21; He met with his AP 8 times.

 

[QuietRiot]

This is post #21.

The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.

From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.

You are taking him at his word. He sounds just like a cheater that’s minimizing. It was cheating because he felt the need to keep it secret. I don’t believe a word.

 

[QuietRiot]

But in post 19, Snowbum was already responding to the information. Perhaps there are other posts in other forums that people are reading simultaneously?

I’ll tell you something though, this story sounds so complicated and “oh by the way this happened” that it reminds me exactly what having a conversation is like when that person is trickle truthing and gaslighting. If you think this is confusing, try having a conversation like this in person.

“I did this, but it wasn’t that big of deal. We are just friends. I never touched her. I was tricked. It wasn’t me doing it. I swear I didn’t touch her. I only met her 8 times. It was an affair. No it was an EA. No it was a friendship. What you did is worse.”

This is cheater talk people!!!

 

[QuietRiot]

Not complicated at all. Wife's dad passed just before his did. They were both grieving. He started on a bereavement site for people who lost a parent or some such. Like an alcoholic going to AA. He made friends with a woman there who had lost someone. When they were down, they would meet and talk about it.

His mistake was befriending a woman and not a guy to talk to when he was down. When woman started wanting to meet in private location and started flirting, he saw that she had other motives, so he distanced himself from her.

In mean time wife handles her bereavement and finding out hubby is confiding in a woman he met from a bereavement group by screwing old friend. And is refusing to discuss her adultrous sexcapades.

Sounds pretty simple to me. She is for the streets.

Disagree. If it was innocent there would be no secrets and he wouldn’t ever call it “an affair” and then say he was naive. Nope.

ETA they are both for the streets. IMO.

 

[QuietRiot]

He would have said he chatted with, not had affair with. It’s his side of story and suddenly he mistakenly called it an affair.

Agreed. And honestly if the situation were reversed and his wife had gone and met a guy in secret 8 times, nooooobody would be defending her and saying no big deal. What is the saying everyone always uses on this site… EA + physical proximity = he’s a victim? Nope that’s not it… 🤔

He doesn’t need to be talked into believing he’s an innocent victim. He definitely is no victim.

I don’t think many people realize that an EA (even if that was as far as it went) can be more damaging in a females eyes than a PA... They’ve both done the most possible damage to one another… the marriage is done.

 

[QuietRiot]

His error was calling it a starry, chary affair.
Uh, on his part.

That other grieving woman wished it were one.
She steered the stars for that to happen.

He closed his eyes to her loving and needy stars.
He backed away without so much as a kiss.

He was wounded, his wife the same.
He talked with a woman, having proper intentions.

The wife was alienated prior to his meeting this talk mate.
She let her resentment lead her to a dark place in space.

She let the other mans starlight enter her.
His penis found her black hole a willing accomplice.

There are degrees of fault, of guilt.
OP's level rose to bent knee, shame, not full on.

His wife's shame was made, full on.
It entered her taken place, it entered her married fold.

Aye.

Okidoke.

 

[QuietRiot]

Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.

I think some folks would benefit from reading Not Just Friends. This is really interesting that his behavior is being so minimized. Absolutely an emotional affair (at minimum) and he admits it, yet people are telling him it’s not. Unbelievable.

 

[QuietRiot]

QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.

I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.

I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty.

Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳

Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.

 

[QuietRiot]

So going to a psych Dr or counselor of opposite sex and not telling your spouse about it, is likewise an EA. There are a lot of EAs going on in this country.

I really think we need to open a thread on what an EA is and is not and why it is so destructive to marriages. Counseling is done with a professional that has the moral and professional obligation to not get romantically involved and is considered and paid for under healthcare services. Can you not see the difference here? I’ll start a thread when we are all nice and fat on Turkey.

On the other hand his wife was ****ing a mutual friend that is married. Something some of the females on here are ok with because OP “cheated” first.

No way, his wife is absolutely not ok. If I approved of revenge affairs, I would have cheated on my STBX and then left him, I had nothing to lose. But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.

 

[QuietRiot]

How many times do patients and their Dr. have emotional feelings for one another.
Basically you are discounting the AA/NA program since they are not trained professionals. Where he messed up is confiding in a woman. What happened is no different than a guy getting an AA/NA sponsor that is woman and after realizing she had developed emotional feelings, he cut her off.

I think we would be threadjacking to not move this specific part to another thread I will do so soon.

He himself also admits it was an affair, every woman as a spouse I know of would absolutely consider this cheating, and many WORSE than having sex with her. Just keep that in mind. He KNOWS he betrayed his wife. And she knows she betrayed him. Marriage is done.

 

[QuietRiot]

Your last sentence is an enormous assumption. D may happen, but so may R. People have gotten through much worse than this; the future belongs in their hands and fate isn't written quite yet.

Based on what a remorseful cheater does, no.
They might reconcile but it’ll be a rug sweep. Until she leaves him for someone else, while cheating all along. She doesn’t respect him anymore (if she ever did).