[ABHale]

Dude you didn’t cheat. This wasn’t an emotional affair. You stopped contact when you started flirting. That is what your supposed to do.

Did your wife have sex with the guy she cheated with?

 

[ABHale]

In my head it was because I did not tell my wife. I was meeting and talking to another woman. And I said it had started getting flirty and had started to change.

This isn’t cheating. This is ending a friendship that gets to close for comfort.

 

[ABHale]

We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.

This is post #21.

The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.

From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.

 

[ABHale]

Your wife is not wanting to talk about what she did because she knows damn well she f’d up. She knows your were not having sex with the friend and she did with her affair partner. Why stay with someone that can do this to you? She obviously doesn’t love you.

Why didn’t you turn to your wife when your dad passed away?

 

[ABHale]

You are taking him at his word. He sounds just like a cheater that’s minimizing. It was cheating because he felt the need to keep it secret. I don’t believe a word.

I’m not going to assume that.

 

[ABHale]

I know a couple of guys that think talking one on one with a girl is cheating on their wife. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about.

 

[ABHale]

Agreed. And honestly if the situation were reversed and his wife had gone and met a guy in secret 8 times, nooooobody would be defending her and saying no big deal. What is the saying everyone always uses on this site… EA + physical proximity = he’s a victim? Nope that’s not it… 🤔

He doesn’t need to be talked into believing he’s an innocent victim. He definitely is no victim.

I don’t think many people realize that an EA (even if that was as far as it went) can be more damaging in a females eyes than a PA... They’ve both done the most possible damage to one another… the marriage is done.

I wouldn’t call a woman meeting a guy for coffee 8 times, talking about the death of their dad cheating either. Friends do this from time to time.

I believe a key factor in an emotional affair is when the person starts feeling or saying “I love you”. That is when the damage starts and erosion of the marriage begins. There is nothing in OP’s statements that he was feeling this way himself. He did say that he felt that the female he was meeting up with in public seemed to want a change in their friendship. So he ended the friendship.

 

[ABHale]

Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.

They were part of an online support group grieving the loss of a parent. They met in public 8 times to talk about it. This isn’t cheating or deep personal matters.

On the other hand his wife was ****ing a mutual friend that is married. Something some of the females on here are ok with because OP “cheated” first.

 

[ABHale]

Maybe she has been in her affair for a year or two. That could be why she wasn’t there for OP when his dad passed away. She didn’t start and end her affair by ****ing the married friend at the time OP stopped talking with his friend. She is lying about the time frame of her affair.

 

[ABHale]

I think some folks would benefit from reading Not Just Friends. This is really interesting that his behavior is being so minimized. Absolutely an emotional affair (at minimum) and he admits it, yet people are telling him it’s not. Unbelievable.

QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.

I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.

 

[ABHale]

I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty.

Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳

Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.

Here’s the difference in my case. My wife is meeting guys all the time at work. The interaction goes with her job and I know nothing about it. I really don’t care who she works with unless she feels the need for me to know something. She does speak about a few of them and the jokes or comments they have made. Not all of it is work related.

How is this so different in OP’s situation. He found an online support group to help him through this. We still don’t know why he couldn’t turn to his wife. The female in question is local so they decided to met up and talk over coffee or something. If his wife didn’t care about his loss, I can understand why he didn’t tell her about meeting up to talk about his dad’s death. I would have done the same in this situation as well as considering if I was going to be married much longer. OP says he never had feelings for this other female and as soon as he saw that she did he stopped seeing her.

I don’t see this as cheating. He never formed an emotional connection to her. Was his actions inappropriate, yes. He should have let his wife know he was meeting someone from his support group. But again, if she wasn’t wanting or able to be there for him to begin with, why even bother to let her know.

I just don’t see what he did as cheating.

As for the saying what did he expect with his wife cheating on him. I didn’t mean you. I know you would never condone that.