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Discussion Starter #1
Why is it like that? You know it is not what is should be and yet, you are staying where you are for years.
Some people say "leave, get divorce".
To me, it seems like impossible thing to do. We spend 13 years together. I dated him since I was 17. I never knew anybody else, I was never alone.
But,
I felt lonely, unhappy, unloved for very long time, then did mistake by getting involved in EA, later on PA. I know I should give up on OM, get divorce and start my life over again without any of those two man. But how? Each time when I feel like I am ready, I start to think about my H positives and it is not helping. Then wrong things will happen and I am where I started.

Why am I so scared to leave? Where do you find strength to move on?
 

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hi AG are ya codependent ?? as i said before start working on yourself go to IC and eventually you will see that you are worth more than these 2 ass clowns can provide there are billions of guys in the world that will treat you decent


Good Luck
 

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Why is it like that? You know it is not what is should be and yet, you are staying where you are for years.
Some people say "leave, get divorce".
To me, it seems like impossible thing to do. We spend 13 years together. I dated him since I was 17. I never knew anybody else, I was never alone.
But,
I felt lonely, unhappy, unloved for very long time, then did mistake by getting involved in EA, later on PA. I know I should give up on OM, get divorce and start my life over again without any of those two man. But how? Each time when I feel like I am ready, I start to think about my H positives and it is not helping. Then wrong things will happen and I am where I started.

Why am I so scared to leave? Where do you find strength to move on?
Because there's something about your husband you love and is keeping you there.
 

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Let's just imagine that you took the decision yesterday to leave your husband. You are now on your own, what is going inside of you? What are you afraid of or feeling bad about?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
When I think about it, I am afraid to hurt him and my family who loves him.
I have audio book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and the author asked: "If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?"...I would.

When I am home without him, I feel fine. My mood is great, I don't miss anything. It is different when he gets home.

I am ready to have a baby but I can't in situation like this. I am afraid it is too late to start over, I am afraid that I won't be able to find love out there.
 

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So some reason for you to be afraid to leave is hurting him or your family.
You said also that you would leave if god or any omniscient being told you it's okay to leave....you would feel relieved...
relieved of what? Guilt of what?
 

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Even your name is Awfully Guilty....What would you be guilty of if you leave?
 

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Do you love your husband? If so, what do you love about him? Are you just curious about other men because you've only been with him? If he came up to you today and told you he doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce, how would that affect you? Would it be relief or horror? What do these other men do for you that your husband can't?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Even your name is Awfully Guilty....What would you be guilty of if you leave?
I was born in country where people do not divorce much. My mother is with my father-abusive alcoholic- for more than 30 years and won't live him.

I feel guilty for my marriage not working. Also, for having affair when I felt most vulnerable and not working on our problems to avoid that.
I feel guilty for lying to my H and for not being able to look into his face and confess. I feel really guilty for being who I am right now. I should never have feelings for someone outside of my marriage whether it worked before or not.

:(
 

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You don't leave b/c marriage isn't meant to end. I commend you for that. However why do you want to leave? Why are you dissatisfied? Have you talked about all this with your husband? Have you guys tried to work to make a better life together?

Personally I hate to see people just leave without knowing facts. There are valid reasons to get a divorce but you've been together this long - and it appears you've hit some very rough patches in your relationship or have sunk into that rut or you are not realizing what has happened as you've grown into adults together?

with that said leaving may or may not make you happy. that is all up to you. finding strength internally, spiritually, and not from some outside influence will be what you need.

otherwise you'll end up right where you are again down the road.

there are guys out there that will treat you right. i have learned that most are not easy to find - that will be right for you (not gay - just from my own dating experiences and dealing with exes and competing with d-bags).

just feels like we're missing some more valid info - but if leaving is what you feel is right then do it. make the decision and do it. that's all there is to this. but only you can make that decision.

joe
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Do you love your husband? If so, what do you love about him? Are you just curious about other men because you've only been with him? If he came up to you today and told you he doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce, how would that affect you? Would it be relief or horror? What do these other men do for you that your husband can't?
I love him, but not the way he needs. I admire how he is with other people. He loves to help others. He is very friendly, funny, hardworking man.

If he said that he does not love me anymore and wanted me as a friend, I would be glad. There would be no hurt on his side.

I am curious about other men. I had men trying to seduce me but I did not care until I met that OM who cared about me as a woman, not object. It was not about sex since he has ED and I knew it. It was more about attention he was giving me. But no excuse for it anyway. I did mistake.
 

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If you leave, and you have every right to, please make sure you know as much as possible about your feelings and about exactly what happened between you two. Realizing the past as horrible as it may be is behind you, now its time to think about your future. Telling him as hard as it may be, may help you as well with the feeling of guilt.

I think having all the cards on the table and if possible seeing how he feels as well as you, will help both of you in the long run. No matter the outcome.
 

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I don't think its all about loving them. You can love someone and not want to be in an intimate relationship. I think what makes it so hard to leave is the fact that your comfortable don't want to rock the boat. It would be hard to tell your family and friends your getting divorced your whole life changes in an instance. You may have to give up the place you live in change bank accounts insurance policies vehicle registration and so on. You may have to break friendships with people. I think its just alot of stuff that has to be mended and fixed and it may take years to get on the right track again.
 

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Awfully Guilty,

It is very difficult to leave a marriage for some. For some, obviously, detachment is not so hard.:mad:

I realized when I first discovered my husbands affair that staying/leaving is more than one demensional. I want to suggest that you speak to an attorney about the laws in your state. Often you can get the first 30 minute consult free of charge. See 2 or 3 just to compare and pay attention to how you feel about them. Go with questions about alimony, community property and child support if applicable. Knowing this information is the first step. I would suggest that you do not tell your husband..you are not filing..just getting information.

Then, you might want to confide in a family member. If they love him they will understand and love you as well. You need the support of a trusted friend or family member and you can discuss options and financial considerations with them.:)

I was very traumatized intially and decided to not do anything until I felt less vulnerable...the affair was over and there was no hurry.

I thought about leaving for a very long time and finally decided to stay based on changes my husband made. I gave him time to show me what he would do.

If it is not comfortable there but is safe..try the 180..disengage to the degree you can..if you are not ready to leave.

After all is done then make a decision but think of you..not him...he is quite good at thinking of his interests..time for you to focus on you.;)

paperoses
 

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It can be explained by basic Newtonian physics: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest :)

As humans we can adapt very well to changes, but our instincts tell us to choose the path of least resistance. "Bird in the hand ...", etc.

It took me many years being in a failed marriage before I cowboyed up and filed for divorce. I had become accustomed to it, and almost comfortable letting her treat me like what sometimes appears on the bottom of your shoe after a stroll through the park :(

If the marriage can't be saved, leave. You'll be glad you did. Personally, it was the best thing I've ever done ;)
 

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OP you sound like my wife. She thinks all I care about is sex. There are many things I like about my wife. Without great sex in life though I feel rejected. She says that she is going to work on it but never does. I have been rejected so many times I dread the sight of her. Yet I am married so I try to fix what seams to be unfixable.

You say that you would be relieved if God would say it was OK to leave him. You feel fine without him. I am willing to bet that if you told him the truth he would be relieved too. I know if my wife would just tell me "I do not love you that way and I want us both to be happy, perhaps we should move on" I would be relieved. But she keeps insisting to start over "I love you it will be different this time" but it is always the same and she hurts me more and more.

If you are unwilling to make your husband happy let him go because he is probably feeling rejected. That is why he is probably not giving you the attention you need in your love language. Of course I would suggest marriage counseling before making any decisions. But if you two can not be compatible why should both of you say miserable? You say that you are religious but you already broke your marriage vows. I do not know what religion you follow. If you are a Christian then admit your mistakes and repent. You are forgiven if you are a believer.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
OP you sound like my wife. She thinks all I care about is sex. There are many things I like about my wife. Without great sex in life though I feel rejected. She says that she is going to work on it but never does. I have been rejected so many times I dread the sight of her. Yet I am married so I try to fix what seams to be unfixable.

You say that you would be relieved if God would say it was OK to leave him. You feel fine without him. I am willing to bet that if you told him the truth he would be relieved too. I know if my wife would just tell me "I do not love you that way and I want us both to be happy, perhaps we should move on" I would be relieved. But she keeps insisting to start over "I love you it will be different this time" but it is always the same and she hurts me more and more.

If you are unwilling to make your husband happy let him go because he is probably feeling rejected. That is why he is probably not giving you the attention you need in your love language. Of course I would suggest marriage counseling before making any decisions. But if you two can not be compatible why should both of you say miserable? You say that you are religious but you already broke your marriage vows. I do not know what religion you follow. If you are a Christian then admit your mistakes and repent. You are forgiven if you are a believer.
That passage with God was from the book. It is not me saying it. I am believer-that passive kind. But I know I did terrible mistake.
My husband would not be relieved. He is in denial about our marriage not working. He wants to keep going but I do not think is because he loves me but because he is too comfortable to start over again. He even told me he is not in love with me (that way you feel first couple of months for some years) but he loves me.

And even though I did cheat on him and have feelings for someone else, I do deeply care about him.
I cannot blame all of it on my affair, because we had issues long time before it actually happened. It was US not working, our communication, no respect, taking each other for granted, emotional and some physical abuse. All of this little by little made me put up my walls for him.
 

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What helped me get through the initial shock was imagining myself in the future, happy and adjusted. I have two boys, so understanding I had to step up and be there for them gave me purpose to get up and fight my depression, doubt and anxiety for them every day. Every day it gets a little bit easier. Good luck!
 

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Fear of the unknown, and because you're comfortable. I like the term the devil you know vs the devil you don't.

But the longer you stay with them, the harder it is to leave...

Had a similar situation with my ex. We were long distance, dated for 5 years. In my heart I knew he wasn't right for me. He didn't treat me very well and insisted that everything had to be his way. He also had a bad temper and didn't care at all about what I wanted to do or what I thought. But I was comfortable with him. Comfortable with our schedule, talking nightly, visiting every few months (didn't help that I really loved the city where he lived).

I knew many times that I should leave him, but I dragged it on for years...until my current boyfriend came along. And how easily I left my ex for him told me that I had wanted to leave him for a long time. Was it the best way of doing things? No...and it also didn't help that my mom kept telling me to "find someone soon or it'll be too late" (I'm in my late 20s now, was in my mid-20s at the time), so I always felt like I *had* to be with someone.

So it is definitely hard to leave the familiar! I think that's why a lot of people stay in unhappy marriages/relationships despite knowing it's totally wrong for them.
 
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