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Trust. I loved my husband yet he was not a safe space to be open with in any way. Emotionally or sexual. He was most worried about his own pleasure. Anything he ‘did for me’ wasn’t for me, but to make him feel more like a man.

If I asked for something to be done a little different or changed up, he would get offended. I know I’m hindsight he was just insecure and that was the driving force for his reactions in the bedroom. Therefor, I simply did the thing he wanted without regard. It was just easier. Lackluster doesn’t even touch it though but if I didn’t ‘criticize’ then my life wasn’t much easier.
I keep seeing “trust” come up.

Your situation is different because of your marriage and how terrible your husband treated you, but with a normal man, why is trust so difficult?

I’m not dumb. My exwife will most likely do everything under the sun for her next partner. That’s just how these things usually go. I’m not bitter about it. It’s just the way things are.

How is it though that she couldn’t trust me after 20 years if it truly is about trust? And I definitely asked for MANY things in the bedroom that we never got around to doing.

So she trusted me to take care of her. She trusts me around our children. She trusts me alone with our children - but she didn’t trust me in the bedroom when I never gave her one reason not to…..

I don’t think it is just trust. I think it is trust in certain situations, but I don’t think it is trust every time.

I think it has more to do with (some) women wanting to keep up a certain image. I think some women want to look like the perfect wife to the husband and others around her. She doesn’t want the husband to look at her like a promiscuous, loose or easy woman. Sad truth is that husbands WANT their wives to be that way with them in the bedroom! That’s when you are supposed to let your freak flag fly!
 

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Your post has kind of confirmed something to me and also relates to the OP`s post.
I am forming an opinion that when wives begin limiting their husbands in the bedroom department it could mean either three things.
1. She is suffering from depressing.
2. The wife has an health issue, could be both mental or physical.
3. And this is the most likely, the wife is no longer into her husband, she has emotionally checked out and why as mentioned in my previous post a wife can be a completely different person with other people.
None of this will change regardless how well a husband may treat her.
The answer you are seeking falls under number three...and it ties into your last statement, which is factually incorrect.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
 

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Your post has kind of confirmed something to me and also relates to the OP`s post.
I am forming an opinion that when wives begin limiting their husbands in the bedroom department it could mean either three things.
1. She is suffering from depressing.
2. The wife has an health issue, could be both mental or physical.
3. And this is the most likely, the wife is no longer into her husband, she has emotionally checked out and why as mentioned in my previous post a wife can be a completely different person with other people.
None of this will change regardless how well a husband may treat her.
Or 4. you forgot the handcuffs and gag.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Likely more common in a serious note is one or the other spouse is getting lazy, or they both are.
 

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OK, another true story:
This happened to my cousin in the UK 28 years ago, we were close and had been brought up together. .He had been married to his wife for 12 years and had 2 children.
They were invited to a party of some friends, another married couple. His wife was drinking throughout the evening and as it drew on his wife was starting to get more and more drunk. He noticed his wife was getting flirty with a guy on a sofa. Then it somehow got round to doing partner swapping. This wasn`t my cousin`s scene so he decided to use the bathroom and then take himself and wife home. When he came back downstairs from the bathroom he witnessed his wife being really into it with that guy she was flirting with on the living room floor in front of everyone with some other couples, an orgy in-fact.. My cousin stood over his wife and the guy in astonishment but his wife kept going, totally drunk and oblivious her husband was watching her, she was wriggling and throbbing about as if having an epileptic fit.. My cousin walked out, drove home in his car leaving his wife at the party, packed his bags and moved in with his parents, my aunt and uncle. She arrived back at their marital home the following morning. He could not erase that image from his mind and a couple of days later he filed for divorce.. True story.
Even today that is still the talk of my family.
Many women can let their hair down, given the right environment and circumstances, many woman can have a side to them screaming to get out.
Sadly, that incident broke my cousin, a year later he suffered a mild stroke. He`s still alive today but can`t walk ver well and has numbness on his left side. He is old now and never married again.
We all blamed his wife for my cousins decline in health. Very sad because he was like a brother to me.
My question to some of the guys: should my cousin had dragged his wife out of there or did he do right by leaving her and going home?
Where I’m from we call that rape.
 

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I read a post by one of the members here about a swinging couple (This is not a swinging topic so please don't try twist it into one )
his post went along the lines of that a husband talked his wife into sleeping with his friend and when he saw her so liberated and with out any inhibitions he had second thoughts about their relationship ,
It IS NOT the first time I have come across this type story of women that when they are cheating or swinging or even sex friends ARE A LOT MORE able to relax and do things they would not do with their long term partner,

we hare the same of men that go to escort girls BECAUSE THEY get the escort to do things they never ask or show their wife , weather it is dominant sex or letting them ware women's outfits or knickers / tights , or what ever kink they are into

so why is it so hard to let the person they are with know about what ever their kink is or even fully let go

Too often we see posts here about people that once the ring goes on they or more so the sex changes , it can't be all that it was an act to get the ring on their finger entrapment ,
I highly suspect its more related to avoidant people. I just wrote in the "Orgasm" post that i never received oral, but i know my H gave his ex gf oral, for example. And no matter how much i ask he doesnt want to talk about it, about kinks, about anything with me. The same for kissing, he seems embarrassed. I get his junk while he is doing some work, i wanna do sex massage, i wanna try sexy clothes he get all embarrassed. At the same time ive caught him researching hot escorts online nearby so he could get the same things i offer him. I think he never got the oportunity of hiring one bc he married crazy (me). But, yeah, i believe its related to the group of avoidant personalities. There are things they seem to feel as if its too personal for the ones close to them, so they go and look for it far (the imaginary "consequences" of asking or doing are "high", while with an idealistic other partner the risks are "low". Like they idealize a perfect person who wont ever judge them. For me it seems its a problem related more with the imagination, then with sex itself).
 

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I highly suspect its more related to avoidant people. I just wrote in the "Orgasm" post that i never received oral, but i know my H gave his ex gf oral, for example. And no matter how much i ask he doesnt want to talk about it, about kinks, about anything with me. The same for kissing, he seems embarrassed. I get his junk while he is doing some work, i wanna do sex massage, i wanna try sexy clothes he get all embarrassed. At the same time ive caught him researching hot escorts online nearby so he could get the same things i offer him. I think he never got the oportunity of hiring one bc he married crazy (me). But, yeah, i believe its related to the group of avoidant personalities. There are things they seem to feel as if its too personal for the ones close to them, so they go and look for it far (the imaginary "consequences" of asking or doing are "high", while with an idealistic other partner the risks are "low". Like they idealize a perfect person who wont ever judge them. For me it seems its a problem related more with the imagination, then with sex itself).
He has lost his damn mind then! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Seriously, I hope it gets better for you. H has some negative issues.
 

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I feel it is about our insecurities from whether we are good partners sexually to being able to talk about our sexuality. Been married to the same lady since the time of Moses and I wish now we could have talked as freely and frankly then as now. I feel we would certainly have had a more proactive intimate life. Where as I am very open minded and pretty much anything goes between two people, she's a real closed minded prudish person. That is starting to change though. She will openly engage in talks of this nature, likes dislikes, possibilities. Yet I still have to initiate the conversation.
 

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I read a post by one of the members here about a swinging couple (This is not a swinging topic so please don't try twist it into one )
his post went along the lines of that a husband talked his wife into sleeping with his friend and when he saw her so liberated and with out any inhibitions he had second thoughts about their relationship ,
It IS NOT the first time I have come across this type story of women that when they are cheating or swinging or even sex friends ARE A LOT MORE able to relax and do things they would not do with their long term partner,

we hare the same of men that go to escort girls BECAUSE THEY get the escort to do things they never ask or show their wife , weather it is dominant sex or letting them ware women's outfits or knickers / tights , or what ever kink they are into

so why is it so hard to let the person they are with know about what ever their kink is or even fully let go

Too often we see posts here about people that once the ring goes on they or more so the sex changes , it can't be all that it was an act to get the ring on their finger entrapment ,
It's about boundaries and precedents. You don't want to get something started that you will have trouble stopping with your spouse. You don't know if you're going to like something. You'll never hear the end of it if you do it once and he loves it and you hate it.

It's nothing to do with entrapment, but besides what I just said, new person is exciting. When you're dating early on it's really hard to avoid projecting your ideal person in your head on to whoever you're dating hoping that's who they are. So when you're making out with your ideal person that's pretty exciting. It's what's in your head.

But no one is that person in your head. You come down to earth and hopefully settle into something that you can both live with, but for many people it's never going to have the same excitement.

That's where it becomes a personal thing based on your personality. Different people want different combinations of security, closeness, or excitement and I'm sure many other things. That's why some people are very cautious and others aren't.

I was always an excitement junkie so I understand that. I understood it well enough that I never really wanted to get married and didn't, though I did settle down a lot as I got older. But that doesn't mean I started wanting the routine of the same person, or to be fair at least not one that I had met.

For some being with the same person makes for over familiarity in the literal sense that they may begin to seem more like a family member such as sibling or parent than a romantic interest.
 
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This may not be what your talking about but nevertheless I’ll tell you.
Men don’t pay escorts/hookers for sex. They pay them to leave afterwards.Sex with their wife’s isn’t the problem, everything else is.
I think that's very true but I also think a lot of the younger less experienced guys are paying them for validation and for a confidence boost and that a lot of married guys are paying them to hear those words that they deserve better than their wife and the wife doesn't know how lucky she is. Celebrities are paying them to go away and to keep their mouth shut.
 

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many Escorts when they tell their story take of the married men as some just want to talk , some want kinky that they are not getting at home , what the others want I don't know or have forgotten ,
but IT WOULD be interesting to know if the wife had the chance would she share the need if it can be called that if she know he wanted it instead of going to an escort for it
I think that sort of stuff is best discussed before marriage. Then they can say yay or nay. Men will tell me anything. Too much sometimes.

There are people who are just not going to want to hear it who just want to cruise along without bumps.
 

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Not sure why this is hard to understand. Let's take good communication, of all the marriages what percentage would you say have good communication? 15%, at best 20%? So why would sex be any different? In my experience to have a good marriage you need two very emotionally sophisticated individuals who have strong character and are motivated to have one, that includes a good sex life. Most people are selfish.

In this world how many people do you think are like that in society today?

Besides that what's your sample size, one time against hundreds of times. So you cook dinner hundreds of thousands of times in a lifetime, some are great, some not so much. Again why is sex any different. Even in my analogy if you treat it like making dinner, like it's a requirement she is probably also going to treat it as such.

Finally don't make the mistake of being a man and thinking you have any idea what's going on in a women's mind especially while she is having sex. For all that guy knows she looks exactly the same if like she enjoys it more with him, but he is busy at the time.

At the expense of my own advice above I will say this, as far as I can tell lots of women need to feel emotionally safe and connected to be open sexually. These are generally the type who are not going to be eager to sleep with your friends once married, quite the opposite. So pushing her to do so is going to have the opposite effect.

FINALLY AND OP PAY ATTENTION TO THIS ONE - Why would you put even a mynute amount of stock into some fools perception of his wife when he spend months trying to get her to sleep with his friend.

I mean really? This is the guy you going to for tips about sex and women? Hell his wife probably was acting that way out of spite.

I mean Good luck.

Honestly women are not open with guys like this because they are dumb asses. I feel bad for the wife's who probably feel obligated to have sex with them!

A guy pushing his wife into hot wife to improve their sex life is like a surgeon who wears caters mitts during surgery.
 

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Maybe there are drugs involved or shock.

I mean really, if I was to be convinced by a spouse to sleep with a friend? I’d need to be broken down significantly to agree to such a thing. And the actual act, where I might be perceived as liberated and wild and free?? Probably shock. Or a cry for help. I’d certainly be acting differently that’s for sure. And I’d need to be drugged to get through an act like that.
 

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Some years ago one of my friends and I (Dave) went for a breakfast at a working man`s cafe, one of those places we jokingly used to call, the greasy spoon.
Dave was never one to mince his words, he`d say whatever he was thinking, an upfront guy. Sometimes too upfront but I respected him for that.
The middle aged lady waitress placed the food on our table and said, the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach. Dave gave a quick response and replied, the way to a man`s heart is through his d*ck. I can remember the look of shock on the waitress face as she walked away.
He wasn`t deliberately being insulting to the woman, Dave was a, I say what I mean and mean what I say guy.
Those words have always stuck in my memory and thinking about it logically, he was right.
Most men, including me are like big kids. If women know the right buttons to press they can have us wrapped around their little fingers.
Prostitutes have learned this. The more of themselves they give up to male customers or the girlfriend experience, the more money and tips a male customer will give her.
Regardless of what is often said; sex does play an important role in marriage. For many men sex is a way of bonding and showing their love, otherwise being in a sexless marriage fails to keep intimacy between the couple, it becomes like 2 people sharing the same house with an awful lot of frustrated husbands out there not happy in their marriages.
Unless a couple have health issues or very old, if a wife considers sex of little or no significance in a marriage, then the marriage icing on the cake goes stale, as does the marriage.
And as of the stories I`ve told about wives giving up more of themselves to other guys than to their husbands, means to me the wives have never been or are no longer into their husbands emotionally and physically, because with women they rarely display their true feelings or give hints what they are thinking, it often can become a one sided communication falling on deaf ears.
 

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I read a post by one of the members here about a swinging couple (This is not a swinging topic so please don't try twist it into one )
his post went along the lines of that a husband talked his wife into sleeping with his friend and when he saw her so liberated and with out any inhibitions he had second thoughts about their relationship ,
It IS NOT the first time I have come across this type story of women that when they are cheating or swinging or even sex friends ARE A LOT MORE able to relax and do things they would not do with their long term partner,

we hare the same of men that go to escort girls BECAUSE THEY get the escort to do things they never ask or show their wife , weather it is dominant sex or letting them ware women's outfits or knickers / tights , or what ever kink they are into

so why is it so hard to let the person they are with know about what ever their kink is or even fully let go

Too often we see posts here about people that once the ring goes on they or more so the sex changes , it can't be all that it was an act to get the ring on their finger entrapment ,
hi i am the person you refered to,and thinking about what you say rings a bell.my wife has never in all those years been sexually adventurous and in fact downright boring we have over the years talked about it but all she does is say you tell me what you want and i will see.then after a few times it goes back to normal.we are very much in love but sex has never been very exciting ,thats why when the chance came up i thought it would be so hot.but she was a different person to the one ive known for so many years and thinking about it i think that helped to make me so uneasy with what went on.
 

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hi i am the person you refered to,and thinking about what you say rings a bell.my wife has never in all those years been sexually adventurous and in fact downright boring we have over the years talked about it but all she does is say you tell me what you want and i will see.then after a few times it goes back to normal.we are very much in love but sex has never been very exciting ,thats why when the chance came up i thought it would be so hot.but she was a different person to the one ive known for so many years and thinking about it i think that helped to make me so uneasy with what went on.
Was it a once and done ? Or did she want to do it again ?
 

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Was it a once and done ? Or did she want to do it again ?
once and done it has left me very unsure of myself and still unsettled about her on the night .but it was my idea not her she just took over on the night which is again what i imagined it would be but i dint ever think she would make the first move nor be so into it.i,m not blaming her i stopped doing that ages ago but it shook me.
 

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OK, another true story:
This happened to my cousin in the UK 28 years ago, we were close and had been brought up together. .He had been married to his wife for 12 years and had 2 children.
They were invited to a party of some friends, another married couple. His wife was drinking throughout the evening and as it drew on his wife was starting to get more and more drunk. He noticed his wife was getting flirty with a guy on a sofa. Then it somehow got round to doing partner swapping. This wasn`t my cousin`s scene so he decided to use the bathroom and then take himself and wife home. When he came back downstairs from the bathroom he witnessed his wife being really into it with that guy she was flirting with on the living room floor in front of everyone with some other couples, an orgy in-fact.. My cousin stood over his wife and the guy in astonishment but his wife kept going, totally drunk and oblivious her husband was watching her, she was wriggling and throbbing about as if having an epileptic fit.. My cousin walked out, drove home in his car leaving his wife at the party, packed his bags and moved in with his parents, my aunt and uncle. She arrived back at their marital home the following morning. He could not erase that image from his mind and a couple of days later he filed for divorce.. True story.
Even today that is still the talk of my family.
Many women can let their hair down, given the right environment and circumstances, many woman can have a side to them screaming to get out.
Sadly, that incident broke my cousin, a year later he suffered a mild stroke. He`s still alive today but can`t walk ver well and has numbness on his left side. He is old now and never married again.
We all blamed his wife for my cousins decline in health. Very sad because he was like a brother to me.
My question to some of the guys: should my cousin had dragged his wife out of there or did he do right by leaving her and going home?
as she was drunk out of her mind he should have pulled her from the guys clutches and dragged her home.had a long talk with her in the morning and either leave or install boundaries of not drinking so much and staying close to her husband.i undrstand he would be so angry so would i but he left her there to be used by whoever.he did have some responsailty to protect her even from herself as her husband.
 

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I highly suspect its more related to avoidant people. I just wrote in the "Orgasm" post that i never received oral, but i know my H gave his ex gf oral, for example. And no matter how much i ask he doesnt want to talk about it, about kinks, about anything with me. The same for kissing, he seems embarrassed. I get his junk while he is doing some work, i wanna do sex massage, i wanna try sexy clothes he get all embarrassed. At the same time ive caught him researching hot escorts online nearby so he could get the same things i offer him. I think he never got the oportunity of hiring one bc he married crazy (me). But, yeah, i believe its related to the group of avoidant personalities. There are things they seem to feel as if its too personal for the ones close to them, so they go and look for it far (the imaginary "consequences" of asking or doing are "high", while with an idealistic other partner the risks are "low". Like they idealize a perfect person who wont ever judge them. For me it seems its a problem related more with the imagination, then with sex itself).
you need a sex councilor
 

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Not sure why this is hard to understand. Let's take good communication, of all the marriages what percentage would you say have good communication? 15%, at best 20%? So why would sex be any different? In my experience to have a good marriage you need two very emotionally sophisticated individuals who have strong character and are motivated to have one, that includes a good sex life. Most people are selfish.

In this world how many people do you think are like that in society today?

Besides that what's your sample size, one time against hundreds of times. So you cook dinner hundreds of thousands of times in a lifetime, some are great, some not so much. Again why is sex any different. Even in my analogy if you treat it like making dinner, like it's a requirement she is probably also going to treat it as such.

Finally don't make the mistake of being a man and thinking you have any idea what's going on in a women's mind especially while she is having sex. For all that guy knows she looks exactly the same if like she enjoys it more with him, but he is busy at the time.

At the expense of my own advice above I will say this, as far as I can tell lots of women need to feel emotionally safe and connected to be open sexually. These are generally the type who are not going to be eager to sleep with your friends once married, quite the opposite. So pushing her to do so is going to have the opposite effect.

FINALLY AND OP PAY ATTENTION TO THIS ONE - Why would you put even a mynute amount of stock into some fools perception of his wife when he spend months trying to get her to sleep with his friend.

I mean really? This is the guy you going to for tips about sex and women? Hell his wife probably was acting that way out of spite.

I mean Good luck.

Honestly women are not open with guys like this because they are dumb asses. I feel bad for the wife's who probably feel obligated to have sex with them!

A guy pushing his wife into hot wife to improve their sex life is like a surgeon who wears caters mitts during surgery.
in retrospect i cant beleive i was so stupid and your description of me at that time is wholly correct.i learned a painful lesson that night and many sleepless nights since.i cant change what i did nor anything else about it but am still trying to rationalise why i did it.stupid maybe excited about something ive never done maybe frustrated with our sex at home maybe.i dont blame her now,just myself and its a lot harder to forgive yourself for doing something so stupid.we never talk about it but i still have sleepless nights at times.
 
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