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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I read a post by one of the members here about a swinging couple (This is not a swinging topic so please don't try twist it into one )
his post went along the lines of that a husband talked his wife into sleeping with his friend and when he saw her so liberated and with out any inhibitions he had second thoughts about their relationship ,
It IS NOT the first time I have come across this type story of women that when they are cheating or swinging or even sex friends ARE A LOT MORE able to relax and do things they would not do with their long term partner,

we hare the same of men that go to escort girls BECAUSE THEY get the escort to do things they never ask or show their wife , weather it is dominant sex or letting them ware women's outfits or knickers / tights , or what ever kink they are into

so why is it so hard to let the person they are with know about what ever their kink is or even fully let go

Too often we see posts here about people that once the ring goes on they or more so the sex changes , it can't be all that it was an act to get the ring on their finger entrapment ,
 

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Personally, I don't think it's about entrapment. To me, it's a lack of trust.

I think it's very easy to be open and free with strangers, because they don't know you. It's almost like playing a part.

But the longer you're with someone, the more the hiding kicks into gear.

And lots of times, that's earned. If we share who we are with someone, and they misuse that information, a lack of trust is bound to build up.

Also, when people just hurt one another in general, blocking ourselves off to prevent more damage is what we do. It's protection.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
To me, it's a lack of trust.
I agree a lot is a lack of trust , and a fear of showing that vulnerable side ,
in case they see it and don't like it or think of us differently

WE HAVE on french TV real life stories from court cases and divorce cases and other professional people that get a look into what goes on behind couples doors ,

WHEN you see the men that are into things like cross dressing , and when it comes down to it what difference is it to us , or other stories
 
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My answer to the OP`s question, it`s all about control.
If one partner wants to have regular sex and at times wants to put some zest into it, maybe live out a sexual fantasy with a partner that is somewhat adventurous but not too extreme, on the lines as the OP has mentioned and the other partner refuses and imposes rules or places sex on ration, that is a form of control, which gives power over a partner.
And if a partner becomes scared of asking a partner for more adventurous sex knowing that partner will reciprocate with a hostile or strong disapproval reaction, that too is a form of power and dominance in the relationship.
This is why I believe in sex before marriage, it`s like test driving a car before deciding to buy it or not. Because if a person is sexually limited prior to marriage, than it is likely that`s how it is going to be during the marriage.
It`s true that some women act like raving nymphos while courting and once married then that all changes.
It is fact that women are the gatekeepers regarding sex, they mostly choose when and how.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
This may not be what your talking about but nevertheless I’ll tell you.
Men don’t pay escorts/hookers for sex. They pay them to leave afterwards.Sex with their wife’s isn’t the problem, everything else is.
many Escorts when they tell their story take of the married men as some just want to talk , some want kinky that they are not getting at home , what the others want I don't know or have forgotten ,
but IT WOULD be interesting to know if the wife had the chance would she share the need if it can be called that if she know he wanted it instead of going to an escort for it
 
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I read a post by one of the members here about a swinging couple (This is not a swinging topic so please don't try twist it into one )
his post went along the lines of that a husband talked his wife into sleeping with his friend and when he saw her so liberated and with out any inhibitions he had second thoughts about their relationship ,
It IS NOT the first time I have come across this type story of women that when they are cheating or swinging or even sex friends ARE A LOT MORE able to relax and do things they would not do with their long term partner,

we hare the same of men that go to escort girls BECAUSE THEY get the escort to do things they never ask or show their wife , weather it is dominant sex or letting them ware women's outfits or knickers / tights , or what ever kink they are into

so why is it so hard to let the person they are with know about what ever their kink is or even fully let go
I've no doubt fear of rejection and or humiliation over admitting ones desires plays a big role.

That said I am not afraid of going there. That's why I get to share lots of anal sex with my wife, and also have her give me anilingus. Plus I get to leave bite marks on my wife's breasts, give her golden showers, drip candle wax on her, fist her and share many other things as well.

In my experience if you want to share something sexually with a spouse, you have a better chance of it happening by bringing it up than keeping it a secret from them.

Too often we see posts here about people that once the ring goes on they or more so the sex changes , it can't be all that it was an act to get the ring on their finger entrapment ,
Yep, I don't think such instance were prefaced with an act before the ring went on at all. Sometimes it is simply down to boredom creeping in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My answer to the OP`s question, it`s all about control.
If one partner wants to have regular sex and at times wants to put some zest into it, maybe live out a sexual fantasy with a partner that is somewhat adventurous but not too extreme, on the lines as the OP has mentioned and the other partner refuses and imposes rules or places sex on ration, that is a form of control, which gives power over a partner.
And if a partner becomes scared of asking a partner for more adventurous sex knowing that partner will reciprocate with a hostile or strong disapproval reaction, that too is a form of power and dominance in the relationship.
This is why I believe in sex before marriage, it`s like test driving a car before deciding to buy it or not. Because if a person is sexually limited prior to marriage, than it is likely that`s how it is going to be during the marriage.
It`s true that some women act like raving nymphos while courting and once married then that all changes.
It is fact that women are the gatekeepers regarding sex, they mostly choose when and how.
I agree with you on the sex before M ,
just many that have sex before marriage don't show their true side ,

It WAS YOUR POST that sparked this topic
I read it a few days ago and it stuck in my mind , I have read other stories along the same lines , one the guy explained how it was his dream for years to have his wife play with other guys why I don't know , he went on to explain how they meet up with the first guy and how he undressed his wife for this stranger and how he saw his shy wife turn into a different person , she ended up loosing herself so much that it was as if her husband was not in the room , and at that time the guy that had wished for this for so long could only think of " what have I DONE " in the end of the night they all said good bye and the couple went home and never talked about what had happened , it was a day before he and she talked and they still swing or what ever they are into ,
but I did not want to take the topic off topic no more than I WANT THI TO BE TAKING OFF
some thing I am good at my self at times lol
 
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Yeah, I think so too (agreeing with others).

Fear of rejection, trust, openness and being vulnerable, emotional intimacy, all play a part in building that wall between spouses. For the flip side, the spouse who walks on the wild side doesn't have those issues with a stranger, or, the thrill of the moment and the desire to please an AP is enough to overcome him/her.
 

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I agree with you on the sex before M ,
just many that have sex before marriage don't show their true side ,

It WAS YOUR POST that sparked this topic
I read it a few days ago and it stuck in my mind , I have read other stories along the same lines , one the guy explained how it was his dream for years to have his wife play with other guys why I don't know , he went on to explain how they meet up with the first guy and how he undressed his wife for this stranger and how he saw his shy wife turn into a different person , she ended up loosing herself so much that it was as if her husband was not in the room , and at that time the guy that had wished for this for so long could only think of " what have I DONE " in the end of the night they all said good bye and the couple went home and never talked about what had happened , it was a day before he and she talked and they still swing or what ever they are into ,
but I did not want to take the topic off topic no more than I WANT THI TO BE TAKING OFF
some thing I am good at my self at times lol
My wife and I have been married since the Jurassic period, but I still find her physically attractive.
I am still very much love my wife, she`s only 4ft 11in tall and I call her, my little bundle of love.
I`ll be honest with you, our sex life, if I can describe it as that is nothing to boast about.
Guess many guys can relate to this: shall we do the deed tonight darling? OK, but first take a shower, cut your nails, close the bedroom curtains, dim the light.
Clothes don`t come off until in the bedroom, always has to be in the bedroom, she lays there like a shop mannequin, please don`t touch here and don`t touch there. That`s how it`s been for years.
Some years ago I did go with an escort having been so sexually frustrated. One of the biggest anti climaxes ever even through the girl was a looker. Not only was it very expensive, it became all about, doing as little as possible in the shortest amount of time for as much money as possible, it wasn`t much different to having it with the wife except a darn more expensive.
The best aphrodisiac for women is alcohol. I`ve known women who when sober were total prudes regarding sex and after a couple of drinks they were anybodies. This is not being derogatory towards women, I have witnessed this myself.
My wife doesn`t drink, makes her feel sick she says. I`ve often thought about slipping her some alcohol without her noticing to see if that can bring out a **** side of her, but haven`t had the guts to do that yet in-case it makes her sick.
I know many women have 2 sides to them and it only takes the right environment and the right situation to bring this other side out.
I have more stories to tell about how wives that are usually sexually frigid with their husbands had become totally uninhibited when they`ve met other guys at a party. All true, one couldn`t make this up.
I`ll post another one soon.
 

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OK, another true story:
This happened to my cousin in the UK 28 years ago, we were close and had been brought up together. .He had been married to his wife for 12 years and had 2 children.
They were invited to a party of some friends, another married couple. His wife was drinking throughout the evening and as it drew on his wife was starting to get more and more drunk. He noticed his wife was getting flirty with a guy on a sofa. Then it somehow got round to doing partner swapping. This wasn`t my cousin`s scene so he decided to use the bathroom and then take himself and wife home. When he came back downstairs from the bathroom he witnessed his wife being really into it with that guy she was flirting with on the living room floor in front of everyone with some other couples, an orgy in-fact.. My cousin stood over his wife and the guy in astonishment but his wife kept going, totally drunk and oblivious her husband was watching her, she was wriggling and throbbing about as if having an epileptic fit.. My cousin walked out, drove home in his car leaving his wife at the party, packed his bags and moved in with his parents, my aunt and uncle. She arrived back at their marital home the following morning. He could not erase that image from his mind and a couple of days later he filed for divorce.. True story.
Even today that is still the talk of my family.
Many women can let their hair down, given the right environment and circumstances, many woman can have a side to them screaming to get out.
Sadly, that incident broke my cousin, a year later he suffered a mild stroke. He`s still alive today but can`t walk ver well and has numbness on his left side. He is old now and never married again.
We all blamed his wife for my cousins decline in health. Very sad because he was like a brother to me.
My question to some of the guys: should my cousin had dragged his wife out of there or did he do right by leaving her and going home?
 

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My question to some of the guys: should my cousin had dragged his wife out of there or did he do right by leaving her and going home?
Minor T/J
He probably did the right thing for his own peace of mind and being able to stand by his own convictions. His wife can behave any way she wants, as she apparently did.

But being honest, I think I would have a hard time leaving her there. It was a volatile environment and she's compromised (inebriated) and I think the “protector” instinct would have made me drag her away. But that opens the door to fighting and begging and all manner of attacks on the convictions to divorce her.

I wouldn’t say either way was wrong, it just depends on the guy.
 

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Trust. I loved my husband yet he was not a safe space to be open with in any way. Emotionally or sexual. He was most worried about his own pleasure. Anything he ‘did for me’ wasn’t for me, but to make him feel more like a man.

If I asked for something to be done a little different or changed up, he would get offended. I know I’m hindsight he was just insecure and that was the driving force for his reactions in the bedroom. Therefor, I simply did the thing he wanted without regard. It was just easier. Lackluster doesn’t even touch it though but if I didn’t ‘criticize’ then my life wasn’t much easier.
 

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@gameopoly5 I would have dragged her out as soon as the flirting started. And I would have had words with the guy. He knew she was married and drunk
It is said the true person is exposed either by what they say or act when they`re drunk.
My cousin`s wife was doing things with that guy that she had never done with him throughout their whole marriage even when she`d had a few drinks.
My point being, when a wife acts like a prude with her husband while married, it doesn`t always mean that`s her real character, she`s only like that with her husband.
If this had been me I think I`d also had left her there because I would have been repulsed and shocked discovering the real her and she`d never shown her real characterr when with me.
But there are no rights and wrongs to my question, people may react in different ways if unfortunate enough to be in that situation, but it`s good to get other perspectives on this story.
 

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It's a mental problem by nature. It requires cognition and action. Many are dealing with issues and are not willing to confront or explore them. Instead, they would rather just ignore them and do as little as possible. The receiving spouse lets them get away with it, so the problem is allowed to continue.

It's like my first wife. I tried for years to get her to relax and enjoy sex. She had a lot of issues growing up. Does that have something to do with it? Hell if I know. After I left her for being so frigid in and out of bed (she would never really open up emotionally to me as well), I started seeing her posting slutty pictures of herself on social media. Things she would never have done before. I don't see myself as the problem in that scenario. I was the only one trying to talk and resolve the issue. She would just sit in silence. If she had an issue with me that was causing her behavior, she should have told me. Good riddance.

Any more after seeing others and experiencing so many problems in this area, I have a very low tolerance for this issue. I will not martyr myself in a marriage with a crappy sex life. If other people will, then they have to lay in that bed they made so to speak.
 

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It is said the true person is exposed either by what they say or act when they`re drunk.
My cousin`s wife was doing things with that guy that she had never done with him throughout their whole marriage even when she`d had a few drinks.
My point being, when a wife acts like a prude with her husband while married, it doesn`t always mean that`s her real character, she`s only like that with her husband.
If this had been me I think I`d also had left her there because I would have been repulsed and shocked discovering the real her and she`d never shown her real characterr when with me.
But there are no rights and wrongs to my question, people may react in different ways if unfortunate enough to be in that situation, but it`s good to get other perspectives on this story.
I would have never have left her there drunk. I would have stopped it as soon as it got started...She's drunk..you don't leave her to the wolves...Your cousin didn't act like a husband 😒 They probably ran a train on her..Hubby left...seen it before
 

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It's a mental problem by nature. It requires cognition and action. Many are dealing with issues and are not willing to confront or explore them. Instead, they would rather just ignore them and do as little as possible. The receiving spouse lets them get away with it, so the problem is allowed to continue.

It's like my first wife. I tried for years to get her to relax and enjoy sex. She had a lot of issues growing up. Does that have something to do with it? Hell if I know. After I left her for being so frigid in and out of bed (she would never really open up emotionally to me as well), I started seeing her posting slutty pictures of herself on social media. Things she would never have done before. I don't see myself as the problem in that scenario. I was the only one trying to talk and resolve the issue. She would just sit in silence. If she had an issue with me that was causing her behavior, she should have told me. Good riddance.

Any more after seeing others and experiencing so many problems in this area, I have a very low tolerance for this issue. I will not martyr myself in a marriage with a crappy sex life. If other people will, then they have to lay in that bed they made so to speak.
Your post has kind of confirmed something to me and also relates to the OP`s post.
I am forming an opinion that when wives begin limiting their husbands in the bedroom department it could mean either three things.
1. She is suffering from depressing.
2. The wife has an health issue, could be both mental or physical.
3. And this is the most likely, the wife is no longer into her husband, she has emotionally checked out and why as mentioned in my previous post a wife can be a completely different person with other people.
None of this will change regardless how well a husband may treat her.
 

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David Schnarch wrote quite a lot about this phenomenon. I personally prefer "Passionate marriage" to his other books. It was written when he was still a regular therapist, not a great guru, and it is less marketing-y... anyway, the summary - most people are not at the level of personal development that would allow them to f**k their support system. This level of development can be achieved, but it requires conscious effort.
 

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Boy this subject hits close to home. My wife is frigid when it comes to sex. Can’t have too many lights on, same position, same foreplay all towards her, nothing that I have been asking to do like oral or role play or even dressing intimately. She swears her childhood was trauma free; she chooses what she likes and dislikes with sex. I feel inadequate.
 
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