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I have posted a few times in the Going Through Separation forum, but I need to share my story here. I have been married for 20 years and we have one child. My husband had an affair about 10 years, he confessed, promised to never to do it again, and we did counseling. Approximately 6 months ago, he told me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be married any more and I was devastated. He said there was no one else, but that he felt that he wanted to be free to do his own things and that he felt like we didn't have anything in common any more. I struggled to try to "fix" things for us. I was so scared and confused and couldn't bear the thought of losing my husband and my best friend. Naturally, everything I did just drove him away and we have been separated for about six weeks.

Since the separation, I have had some of his co-workers tell me that he has been having an affair with someone at work. Someone else told me today that he also had a relationship with someone else he worked with in the past that I did not know about. I just feel horrible. Of course, he denies all of these accusations and he is so ANGRY WITH ME! That's the worst part. I am hurting so bad. Need advice!
 

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Because you are blowing his narrative. He wanted to exit the marriage being a victim, likely he was building that mentality for years. If he was cheating recently (before the ILYBAINILWY, unhappy for years, you are to blame, I want out, D speech) and it was his way to getr rid of you and at the same time save face you just shined light into the sordiness.
Of course he's angry.

Usually the bullsh!t story they sold us is the same they use to get into AP's pants/shorts.
He may belive it the story, even with it's cracks. Now you are pointing your finger at the cracks, he refuse to have the whole house of cards in his head down the ground.
 

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I agree with Acabado- you busted his BS. Now he is embarassed, sucks to have the cat out of the bag.

You are going to be so much better off in the long run- you may not see it now, but stay positive and focus on you. Just let him go- I think Morituri wrote something about that.

WD
 

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He is a cheater.
He did not live upto his assurances, even after having been caught after that 10 year ago affair.

I dont know why you continue to refer him as "best friend".

He is angry because he got caught.

Time for you to re-evaluate your relationship.....
 

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Hi S P your story is pretty common here we all feel your pain and hurt and upset because we have travelled the road you are now on but i have to tell you you are in the best place for advice and good sense and you being here means you now have one of the best family's and will try and support you and help you with advice it will wide and plenty of it but whatever you do don't give up on your self you have one life so go and live it you might see a huge change in your H but do it for your self and nobody else above all else keep your chin up a good future awaits you just open the door its already unlocked and waiting for you how do i know because i to opened that door and walked through it
 

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And Special,

If those stories turn out to be true your WH is a coward.

He was able to leave you without telling you the truth.

That is the worst thing in the world.

Because he was able to make you feel like you had to fix the marriage, and that can make you go crazy wondering why.

When the whole time he is the reason why the marriage is not working.

Very sad.

Go find the truth for your own piece of mind.

Then heal and find a good man.

HM64
 

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I have posted a few times in the Going Through Separation forum, but I need to share my story here. I have been married for 20 years and we have one child. My husband had an affair about 10 years, he confessed, promised to never to do it again, and we did counseling. Approximately 6 months ago, he told me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be married any more and I was devastated. He said there was no one else, but that he felt that he wanted to be free to do his own things and that he felt like we didn't have anything in common any more. I struggled to try to "fix" things for us. I was so scared and confused and couldn't bear the thought of losing my husband and my best friend. Naturally, everything I did just drove him away and we have been separated for about six weeks.

Since the separation, I have had some of his co-workers tell me that he has been having an affair with someone at work. Someone else told me today that he also had a relationship with someone else he worked with in the past that I did not know about. I just feel horrible. Of course, he denies all of these accusations and he is so ANGRY WITH ME! That's the worst part. I am hurting so bad. Need advice!
He has to be angry at you so that he can justify his scumbag behavior.

Also, believe what his coworkers are saying. Obviously they never told you prior because they didn't want to hurt you. So it's likely true.

Now that he is divorcing you, they likely feel it is their duty to warn you of his cheating arse ways so you can use it in court.

Now you can call them as witnesses to his affair.

He can lie under oath if he wants, a crime btw, but his coworkers won't lie.
 

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That's pretty much how my estranged husband did. Once he got to running with the other women, he demonized me. That's just your husband's way of internally justifying his behavior.
It's amazing how all cheaters automatically demonize the faithful spouse and rewrite the marital history to feel good about themselves.

It's like the books say: The behavior of a certified cheater is so predictable as to be comical.

They all act the same like robots or zombies whose brains are being devoured by an alien worm.

Part of the predictable pattern is that within a couple of years of being with this fantasy partner and when life becomes too real, they all realize the grass wasn't greener, but it's always too late to go back to their faithful and wiser spouse
 

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He's also angry because his carefully constructed world of lies is finally coming out in the open and he is afraid of what will happen.

Up to now he has been in total control of the situation. He had his affairs on his schedule, and you knew nothing. He chose when to dump you and demand the separation, he chose it all.

But now that the truth is finally coming out he senses that he is loosing that control, and he is going to loose the freedom that the lies and you not knowing gave him.

So he gets angry at you in response, and at some level he is hoping that it will intimidate you enough that you don't use this knowledge, that you don't choose to take ack control and make your own choices.
 
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You ask why is he angry with you? I'm going to answer that but don't take this in a blaming kind of way. You are not at all to blame for his affairs or for the difficulty this has caused in the marriage. I am simpily trying to answer your question in case it is helpful for you. REmember, you are not to blame nor are you at fault for his infidelity.

First of all, if he's been having a couple affairs over the course of your marriage and you haven't noticed you've probably been a little too distant or uninvolved in the relationship. This will make anybody angry.

Secondly, if he's getting angry at you he's probably projecting a lot of his guilt and anger at his situation on you. Most of this is misplaced projection. You do have some legitimate anger being pointed at you for not being as involved or in tune as he would like but that's maybe only about 10% of the anger he is currently throwing at you.

Hope this helps.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
As far as being uninvolved and not noticing, that is definitely not the case! I confronted him time and time again that I knew something was going on when he finally admitted the first affair years ago.

I am always the one who suggested going on dates, going away for the weekend, counseling, whatever to help strengthen our marriage. I can't do it by myself, though. :(
 
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