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Why is it so hard to change for the better? Whenever I try to make an effort to change for the better in anyway, my life seems to fight back. No, my flesh fights back.

I try to get on track spiritually and physically. But I always end up discouraged and find I have not really made any progress at all.

I guess change is hard. Perhaps it's our flesh? Perhaps we don't really want change? Perhaps our comfort zone is where we are really happy.

I WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!!
 

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We all have an inner compass that points to a certain direction. So if you're going south and you want to go north you can override the automatic pilot temporarily but eventually you will go south again. Its inevitable.

The way to fix it is to reset the inner compass and that takes time, effort, understanding, enlightenment, persistence, patience, support and a whole slew of other things that I can't mention in one post.

Many times simply putting forth an effort isn't enough to change. You need other help to do so whether it's support, counseling, safe people, accountability, something....
 

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I guess first it depends on what you want to change and why you want to change it.

Some kind of reward for the change makes it more likely you'll keep trying. This can come from someone else, but it can also be your own satisfaction from the achievement.
 

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:confused:

Why is it so hard to change for the better? Whenever I try to make an effort to change for the better in anyway, my life seems to fight back. No, my flesh fights back.

I try to get on track spiritually and physically. But I always end up discouraged and find I have not really made any progress at all.

I guess change is hard. Perhaps it's our flesh? Perhaps we don't really want change? Perhaps our comfort zone is where we are really happy.

I WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!!
How are you trying to Change specifically?? Start with one specific issue.

I can only speak for myself.... IN my youth.... I was angry over my home life....which is a loss of control and fear. So I bought a few books on Anger.... I learned how normal that is in the face of "unfairness" in our lives... but there are constructive ways to deal with it. This was my medicine.

I also bought books on forgiveness...so many issues over the years.... and temperaments to help me understand why I was the way I was. It all starts with some self awareness...

Then we learn some of our traits can be an asset, while some a hindrance (all temperaments have GOOD and BAD ).....so we learn to tweak a little here, tweak a little there, ....... having some self compassion on yourself at the same time...since we will still screw up now & then & miss it....But just hop back on...keep striving to be the best person we can be. Growing into maturing and reaching for integrity - even when it's difficult...it's all something to strive for, for ourselves...and our relationships.

One of the best books I ever bought was >>>
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life:
...

...this one helped me see I was NOT a bad person for saying "NO" to certain friends/ family who was ...basically ...taking "advantage of me"....pushing my boundaries....while I was slowly building a resentment towards them, so I stepped up, spoke my mind, held to what I was willing to do -because I cared, but put my foot down -without guilt , when I felt the other person could do for themselves. It was very insightful, how I've never been the same after reading that book. Lent it out once, never got it back.

I'm all for getting my hands on the best book written for whatever you are struggling with. When I struggled to forgive, I read a book on that (I think Lewis Smedes is the best author here ).. I feel genuine forgiveness can be grueling - especially in the face of no reconciliation...but it's a necessary path we need to take....for our own selves.
 

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This reminds me of a story about a monk who was asked about the spiritual life.

He said 'we fall down then we get up, then we fall down then we get up, then we fall down then we get up..........'.

In the monastic life perseverance is regarded as hugely important in pursuit of the real goal which for the Christian monk is the pursuit of God (aka Love). Marriage really is not that different.
 

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We like to think that we are rational creatures, but the irrational part of our psyches is like the underwater portion of an iceburg. We often don't understand our reasons for doing things, and why we self-sabotage our efforts to change.

It is not easy to be honest with ourselves about what benefit we are getting from destructive behavior. I think that is the first step to creating real change in your life. Am I lazy? Do I convince myself that it really doesn't matter that I continue down this destructive path? Do I believe that change is impossible for me?

What I have found is that I need a specific plan to implement change. I can't just rely on will power. For example, if I am trying to lose weight, I have to have a specific goal in mind, exactly how many pounds I want to lose. Then I have to tell someone what I am doing, so they can help keep me motivated and accountable. I have to specify consequences, and create rewards for myself. I have to be very conscious of what I buy at the grocery store. I have to eat slowly. I have to have apples around for when the cravings hit. I have to call my best friend to have her yell at me when I want to eat fast food.

If I am trying to spend less, then I have to create a budget. I have to have only 1 or 2 credit cards, so I can keep track of my spending. I have to have an alternative for when the desire wells up to buy something that I don't need.

One of my goals for change was to be more patient with myself and with others. I learned to breathe deeply when I became frustrated. I asked my husband to tell me when I was impatient. I stepped up my exercising to release nervous energy.

Create a specific plan, make yourself accountable to someone, and create consequences and rewards for yourself to see real change in your life. Most of all, believe that you can change. When you slip up, get right back to your plan.
 

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This reminds me of a story about a monk who was asked about the spiritual life.

He said 'we fall down then we get up, then we fall down then we get up, then we fall down then we get up..........'.

In the monastic life perseverance is regarded as hugely important in pursuit of the real goal which for the Christian monk is the pursuit of God (aka Love). Marriage really is not that different.
This made me think our 1st son...the very 1st time I took him Roller skating....he could barely stand up... it was skate night for 1st graders at the local skate hall.....

I swear that boy fell down 200 times, how his a$$ was not bruised is beyond me... but ya know he kept getting back up... I was sitting there with all these parents watching these kids... kind of embarrassed....one might ask "which one is yours?"... and I'd say... "the one on the ground" with a :eek:...then a :rofl: ...It was the funniest darn thing... but he was happy... so why shouldn't I be.

And ya know after a few times going, he quit falling down...

Lesson for us all.....
 

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:confused:

Why is it so hard to change for the better? Whenever I try to make an effort to change for the better in anyway, my life seems to fight back. No, my flesh fights back.

I try to get on track spiritually and physically. But I always end up discouraged and find I have not really made any progress at all.

I guess change is hard. Perhaps it's our flesh? Perhaps we don't really want change? Perhaps our comfort zone is where we are really happy.

I WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!!!!!
I think this is the million dollar question with an answer that's both complex, and very, very simple.

Creating change in ourselves involves making a paradigm shift - a whole different way of seeing ourselves in the world. It can be as simple as making a decision.

However, that "fighting back" steps in because of the way we've learned to see the world. Our values/perceptions have been developed over many years because of both our experiences AND what others have told us about ourselves and our behaviors.

This makes us second-guess whether a new belief would "really be ok" or not. What I have found is a key element for me to make changes is a willingness to make the change and see what happens, but when I do it, I have to make a mental list of the reasons my previous way is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me forevermore. If I cannot make myself believe this, I won't be able to make the change.

For me, housework is a great example of failing because it's the one big problem I have repeatedly not been able to get better at doing. No matter how many arguments it has caused for me, I simply cannot find a way to convince myself that it's vital to dust the shelves or vacuum as often as others think. It's not logical to me, and I can't make sense of why the tasks should fall to me alone when I worked full-time, too.

On the other hand, I have been able to make change in the way I relate to other people. Where I used to intimidate people often because I charged ahead with whatever I thought/believed/did, I found myself unhappy with the results of alienating other people. I had to explore why this was happening to figure out that it was my behavior contributing to it. I did some soul-searching and realized others felt I was bossy and insensitive, and I made that paradigm shift, but too far in another direction. I became too willing to accommodate others, and found myself victimized. This led me to make another paradigm shift that reframed my values again so I can be cooperative and more sensitive when communicating, but only with people who are also cooperative and who demonstrate it.
 

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In hindsight I've failed more than I've succeeded but like you guys said I never gave up. I kept getting up each and every time until I succeeded in changing my life.
 

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Nothing worthwhile or of value is easily obtained. If it were, we wouldn't value it.

That is why change is hard. Changes that benefit us, add value, substance and depth, challenge us to be more than we think we are.

And that is a difficult, scary thought for most people, particularly if you already don't like what you see.

Self-loathing is easy.
 
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