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Also known as the bait and switch. I am really suprised at how many men and women put up with it


Obviously no one should be baiting and switching anyone. When people think of the old “bait and switch” they usually think of women letting themselves go and not having good sex anymore.
But I do want to add that a lot of men also do the bait and switch with their wives. Men that were once romantic and spontaneous and good conversationalist and watched chick flicks and bought gifts and flowers etc. “switch” after marriage and become more lazy and not as into their wife as they were before they got married.

I think it happens both ways. Men and women have “audition” personality or behavior and once they seal the deal then they can relax, un-bottom their pants and stop trying so hard. It’s sad.
That’s exactly why marriage is a joke. Date someone and let them keep the auditions going until they stop and then you fire them.
 

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My response to that would be that if you want it, go and get it. But don't both sit there expecting the other person to do it for you, and if it's something only one person wants, then that person should assume the burden of making it happen.



If the other person is gung ho, then again, that's a bonus.

Funny... in my experience women do this all the time. Substitute “job/salary/standard of living/ huge ticket expensive item.” and you’ll see a double standard with respect to a couple’s standard of living and finances...

“Husband I’d really love it if you got a $400K/year job for me. It would look so good on you”

*OK but I need you to work on my resume, set up interviews, help me study for my certification exams, go network for me. Then maybe I’ll go to the interview if you get me one. Depends on how you make me feel that day... I mean I have a lot of stuff going on in my head and job hunting is last on my list. Why can’t you just be happy with my $60K/year salary, what’s wrong with what I do now?”


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Funny... in my experience women do this all the time. Substitute “job/salary/standard of living/ huge ticket expensive item.” and you’ll see a double standard with respect to a couple’s standard of living and finances...

“Husband I’d really love it if you got a $400K/year job for me. It would look so good on you”

*OK but I need you to work on my resume, set up interviews, help me study for my certification exams, go network for me. Then maybe I’ll go to the interview if you get me one. Depends on how you make me feel that day... I mean I have a lot of stuff going on in my head and job hunting is last on my list. Why can’t you just be happy with my $60K/year salary, what’s wrong with what I do now?”


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I don't get why you're trying to derail this into a 'men are victims of women' thing.
 

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That’s exactly why marriage is a joke. Date someone and let them keep the auditions going until they stop and then you fire them.
In marriage #1, the sex got worse after marriage and eventually ended. We divorced. In marriage #2, the sex got better and frequency stayed about the same after we got married, and continues to do so.

It's a sample size of one, for sure, but one of the criteria I was clear and up front about was that sex was a priority. It was for her, too. I also dated with this being a key component, and broke it off if there were hangups, or I even got the sense that she really didn't know who she was, sexually, or was just trying to make it look like she was more sexual than she really was.

Just got a laundry list of things wife wants to do and try last night. Been together 20 years at this point. Be intentional, and be ready to bail when dating if you get an indication that something important to you isn't working.
 

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I don't get why you're trying to derail this into a 'men are victims of women' thing.

I’m just saying there’s a double standard that’s all. As a man, the more desirable and confidence you present, the higher chance you’re partner will go out if their way to improve your sex life.


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I don't get why you're trying to derail this into a 'men are victims of women' thing.

I’m just saying there’s a double standard that’s all. As a man, the more desirable and confidence you present, the higher chance you’re partner will go out if their way to improve your sex life.


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I don't think it's really a double standard. As a man, the more desirable you are and more confidence you present, the higher the chance your partner will go out of their way to improve your sex life. Sure. And as a woman, the more attractive and sexy/confident you are, the higher the chance your partner will go out of their way to maintain/keep the relationship happy. Look at all of the man who date/marry/stay with crazy just because she's hot and they want to **** her.
 

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That's true...I just think that as a willing, loving, partner I want to take on some of that responsibility too. Someday I'll be the one who wants something and I'd feel better about it if he met me half way at least...otherwise I'd feel like he was just going along but didn't really want to be doing it and that would take all the pleasure out of it. I'd hate for my partner to feel that way so I make sure to meet him halfway at a minimum.

People tell me all the time I'm not like most women in a lot of ways...maybe it's true in this case too.
This comment just about perfectly sums how I feel about doing things with my wife. I wish my wife thought about things the same way you do. I hate feeling like she is just going through the motions for me. It sucks all of the joy out of it.
 

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This comment just about perfectly sums how I feel about doing things with my wife. I wish my wife thought about things the same way you do. I hate feeling like she is just going through the motions for me. It sucks all of the joy out of it.
Yup, that would absolutely make me not want to ask for anything, ever. Sorry you're dealing with that. Have you talked with her about it?
 

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I’m just saying there’s a double standard that’s all. As a man, the more desirable and confidence you present, the higher chance you’re partner will go out if their way to improve your sex life.


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Want to talk about the double standards for women?

Men aren't victims in this game.
 

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Yup, that would absolutely make me not want to ask for anything, ever. Sorry you're dealing with that. Have you talked with her about it?
Yes, I have talked to her many times about it. The response is "I'm willing". What goes through my head at that point is "so is a prostitute or a cam girl, but I am not looking for that". I have never verbalized those thoughts.
 

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Yes, I have talked to her many times about it. The response is "I'm willing". What goes through my head at that point is "so is a prostitute or a cam girl, but I am not looking for that". I have never verbalized those thoughts.
Maybe it might be time, assuming, of course, you're not asking for something that's way out there. I like to think of myself as giving but if my guy asked for something way out there (diaper fetish for example) I might be willing but would have trouble faking being even halfway into it. Scratch that...I'd probably run away as fast as possible. I think I used a too far out there example for me!! LOL

But my point is the same...she needs to know how it makes you feel. The discussion could yield some insight for you on her feelings as well.
 

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Over the long term, yes. Actions reflect feelings. However, the beta guy gets the "audition sex", but a week (or a couple days) into the marriage, the REAL feelings take over.
You don't really have to be a beta male (or female) to get unceremoniously greeted by the old "bait and switch!"

I cannot help but believe that there's a certain segment of society (both male and female) out there that, who for whatever reason, internally deplores or fears the functionality of human sex, but at the same time, hates loneliness even more; and will just go along with the newness of sex until such time that they feel they can safely coerce their marital partner to refrain from its performance, other than perhaps for procreational purposes!

So sad, but true!
 
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