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Two years into a second marriage for both. Sex is amazing. Our teen girls get along perfectly. We support each other’s endeavors and are open with our feelings. And also... I’m a natural snoop and cyber stalker. He knows this and it’s no secret. It actually helped him quite a bit when his ex tried to take his kiddos in a custody redo!
Anyway, I was dusting around our bedroom and came upon his watch case and man’s valet if you will. He keeps cuff links and passports, etc there. I peeked. I’ve always known there were USBs but I left them alone. They got the best of me this time. I found that he archived intimate pics of various ex’s and one in particular that he needed time to get over. He did this one week before we got married. Ok, I get it. But I saw where he accessed these files three months ago. Ok......... maybe forgot he put them there. But... he obv put them back... in the little treasure chest... three feet from where I sleep. We are married. He has knowingly and purposely kept these pics (and some are just snap shots of her IG - three years ago - that he wouldn’t want me to know he had... which is more painful). So.... I snooped. And he has, what... hurt me? I’m sad that he saw that he had them and chose to keep them. He will be embarrassed when I toss the USB to him. I won’t be angry. I’m simply disappointed and the wonderful fabric between us damaged. Dammit.
Unfortunately, I have to say something tonight or I’ll brood with piss n vinegar. Thoughts? Yes, snooping is wrong. I know. He’ll feel violated. But hey, so do I.
There trophies.
 

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Discussion Starter #44
So a couple of things. I learned that yes, @sokillme, they are basically trophies. This is something I will never understand about men and serial killers.

I didn't have to open the convo with penis pics @blondielocks (that would have been amazing LOL), I was led into it organically when he asked about my day. I wear my thoughts front and center. Oh well. We were alone on the back deck so I let him know about my day and what I found. I kept it mostly calm but my irritation, anxiety, and level of disgust were palpable. I could tell he felt small and he started with the "Oh, what? I haven't seen that in years." Nice try, love. Unfortunately for you there's a file marker from three months ago. He admits that he did come across it, checked it and knowingly kept it, but has no reason. Nope, nothing... basically "I have no good reason" was all I got. I will never get my "why". I could tell that he felt rather small but he fought it by being contrite. Of course "why are you looking through my things" came up, but I didn't let him steer the convo. Yes, he has every right to be angry about that part and I'll give him his stewing time.
He did apologize for keeping it. I told him he's sorry he got caught and he admitted as much. I also told him that it hurt me and made me feel a lesser sense of worth in his eyes - he said that was all in my head and only I felt that way, not him. Of course, the more I talked about it the angrier I got, and I said some pretty belittling things. About 7% of me regrets them.

He called me at my office today and explained that he is sickened by the whole thing, he's angry that I looked and "found" it but more angry at himself for keeping the "stupid thing".

Even though it was hurtful, I'm GLAD I found it and confronted him. This type of situation, in my opinion, should always be met head-on. Otherwise, the hurt party will gunnysack her/his hurt feelings, the wound will fester, and he/she will throw out little snide comments from time to time that the other party just doesn't understand. There will be a bigger explosion when it finally comes out. My husband feels sick that I saw the images - he says he hates that the most because it shouldn't be in my head... but he would have hated it more if I'd seen them weeks or months ago and had brooded over it.

Be good, y'all and enjoy your weekend!
 

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When you calm down and think about this you will realize that what he actually said was this.
“I’m sorry but it’s your fault”.
He’s like the guy that knocks you off your bicycle and apologizes but then says “you shouldn’t have been on the road anyway”.
He’s sorry he got caught. And that’s all.
 

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..wait. ...

Didn't he throw them away???
Didn't he delete them after this convo???

Saying he's sorry and actually being sorry are 2 different things.

If he's really sorry, he gotta show it BY THROWING/DELETING those pictures!


Actions please, actions!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #47
When you calm down and think about this you will realize that what he actually said was this.
“I’m sorry but it’s your fault”.
He’s like the guy that knocks you off your bicycle and apologizes but then says “you shouldn’t have been on the road anyway”.
He’s sorry he got caught. And that’s all.
You are RIGHT ON about that. He tried to say - "Well you wouldn't have been hurt if you didn't look through my things." Rest assured I didn't let that settle at all - he's trying to deflect. As @lovelygirl said... snooping is the consequence of there being something to find! 0:)
He's sorry he was an idiot.
 

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Discussion Starter #49
..wait. ...

Didn't he throw them away???
Didn't he delete them after this convo???

Saying he's sorry and actually being sorry are 2 different things.

If he's really sorry, he gotta show it BY THROWING/DELETING those pictures!


Actions please, actions!!!
Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp). We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him, was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it??? We're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.
 

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Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp)
.

You rock, girl! :smthumbup:


We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him, was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it???
Good point!!!
What was it there that kept him going back to those pictures, even now that he's in a good marriage with you!?


[QUOTEWe're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.[/QUOTE]
I've always been about "Trust but verify!"

Blind trust is ridiculous, is self-harm, is being taken for granted, is being taken for a doormat. You can be anything but any of these. But, when you keep an eye open and still play it cool, you're one step ahead of him!
So keep on trusting your gut feeling! It NEVER lets you down, just like it didn't now.
 

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Oh yes, girl. They're GONE. Actually, I took possession prior to the convo. He wanted it destroyed immediately while we were talking but I made him suffer by telling him I will take care of it in due time (which I already have... he can't stand thinking I have those things in my grasp). We both expressed that our trust levels have taken a hit - rightly so. He said he's never, ever behaves nefariously and I completely believe and know that. But the way I see it, and explained to him, was that if you can hang on to and hide these intimate pieces of the past, maybe you're not done with it??? We're beginning to understand one another........... perhaps.
I'm a little late but my suggestion would have been to erase the pics and put some of you on there and sit back and wait.
If you really still want to make him sweat tell him you posted them all on a porn site, and watch him sweat or not (don't actually do it, by the way, it's highly illegal).

I think you handled everything like a champ. You did it perfectly.
 

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I keep photos of my ex girlfriends... so what? My wife is fine with it. They are my EX girlfriends and I've lost touch with them. They are in photo albums. If I snooped and invaded my wife's privacy, our marriage would be over, probably. Ok, it's already over, but for other reasons... :laugh:
 

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I keep photos of my ex girlfriends... so what? My wife is fine with it. They are my EX girlfriends and I've lost touch with them. They are in photo albums. If I snooped and invaded my wife's privacy, our marriage would be over, probably. Ok, it's already over, but for other reasons... :laugh:
It's one thing to have random photos of your exes, and it's another to have sexual photos of your exes, stored / hidden in a specific place so that you can arouse yourself from time to time.

.SORRY.





Like...really.... how can you even compare these situations!
 

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Like...really.... how can you even compare these situations!

I missed that bit... :grin2: I still find it ok. They are part of his life and he likes looking at them from time to time. I also think it's pretty normal for a guy. If my wife did this, I would be ok with it, if the rest of our relationship is hunky-dory...
 

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I missed that bit... :grin2: I still find it ok. They are part of his life and he likes looking at them from time to time. I also think it's pretty normal for a guy. If my wife did this, I would be ok with it, if the rest of our relationship is hunky-dory...
I foresee a future full of more rosy palms for you.
 

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just a thought, and it depends a lot on other parts of your relationship.

How would he react to a completely different approach. You tell him you caught him, so his punishment is a spanking and to be your sex slave for a week. Turns a tense difficult situation, into a fun sexy one.

My thought is rather than have the situation end with him feeling guilty - which so easily translates into his felling that it is somehow your fault (even though it of course isn't), to one that is memorable, and where he feels both relief that you are not angry.


Again, you have every right to confront him for betraying your trust etc. Just play out various scenarios in your mind and see which ones lead to an overall better relationship. If you want to shout at him, you have every right to do so.
this!
 

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He may be mortified at being caught - not for what he did. I doubt that there is a guy on this forum who could come up with a plausible reason as for why your husband felt the need to store naughty pics of his ex in your bedroom and 3 feet away from your pillow.



I mean WTF? Is that what a loving husband would do? That is what someone who wants to keep his 'treasures' close by does. That is what someone who doesn't want to get rid of pics as you mentioned to him does.



Mouth shut and investigation mode.

I did this.

I had a journal from when I was a teenager until my early 20s, and it had pictures of ex girlfriends and my ex wife in there. A few were racy.

I had totally forgotten about them. Seriously. My wife found them while looking in my night table for something.

We ripped them up and threw them away - the sexy ones at least. I didn’t care. She was fine about it.

The difference is that I hadn’t looked at them in 20+ years. And that makes all the difference here, I think.
 

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I did this.

The difference is that I hadn’t looked at them in 20+ years. And that makes all the difference here, I think.
Yep!

Example- I do have pics of my exes or even intimate videos we did together. I rarely ever look at them and definitely NOT when I'm dating someone else. Not because it's simply unfair but to be honestly honest.... I don't really feel the need to.

So I'm completely sure that one looks at them when they're not fully satisfied with their current relationship/marriage. Keeping them is not the real issue, but going back to them from time to time (when already married), is.

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