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I see a lot of advice on this board that the WS should tell the BS EVERYTHING. I just don't understand.

That doesn't sound healthy to me. If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?

IMO that level of detail only sets up the sickest porn movie in the BS's mind & makes everything worse because it can't be shut off. It would just play on an endless hurtful loop.

There has to be some sort of full disclosure that is not quite that much detail. What is the point of telling everything? That seems more like rubbing salt in the wounds, especially if like in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heel? It seems like it would just make him feel worse.

I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
Full disclosure gives the BS the info to decide if they want to reconcile. There may be something there that is a deal breaker. The sex acts the spouse denied hubby since marriage, etc.

To me it would help sear in my mind what a vile and defiled person my wife was...it would help help fuel my resolve to nuke it all and kill any love I had for her. I would want to know because cheating is a deal breaker for me.

I am a guy that sex is much more than a physical act. Sex can lead to pregnancy, I remember the way I felt about my wife when she was pregnant and the love and bond we had then.

For her to cheat, knowing pregnancy is possibility, in my mind it would be her acknowledging she wants to have APs baby and have that same bond we had, with him. Game Over....

The details would just help to speed up the destruction of my love for her. Lessen the length of time of my pain by increasing my loathing disgust and disdain toward her.
 

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So your wife did NOT weaponize the details of her APs against you, but you DID about your APs to her...?
I'm not asking to judge you, necessarily (although I probably am at least a little bit), but just to clarify if that's what you are saying your dynamic is.
Curious, is your relationship any good at this point? Why not divorce?
 

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So your wife did NOT weaponize the details of her APs against you, but you DID about your APs to her...?
I'm not asking to judge you, necessarily (although I probably am at least a little bit), but just to clarify if that's what you are saying your dynamic is.
Correct.

If we want full honesty... If I'm hurting, I want her to hurt too. Kind of a "you caused this so take some of it back" thing. Or if she's bringing up anything I did and I get defensive, I know how to shut her up/shut her down. I could try and word that more nicely but that's what it is so no point sugar coating it... Sometimes there is a bit of not wanting her to leave or be with someone else, whether that's an affair or a "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" thing. So sometimes tearing her down eases whatever feeling that is, even though in reality it's more likely to backfire.

She doesn't do that. She tried a "taste of your own medicine" thing once but that sort of thing isn't her or how she wants to act. I'm well aware that I'm an ass.
 

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It all depends on the BS.I am one of those people who can't process things or heal or move on unless I know the details. I have had several occasions in my life where things were kept from me and having found things out later I really wish I had known at the time.
Mr D on the other had doesn't need to know details and never asked his ex much about her affair.

So I would say play it by ear but I definitely agree that certain things need to be told such as how long the affair was, who the AP is, where did you meet up for sex etc.
 

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I think some guys get off on the sorted details in some way. There was a couple on our old forum d0nni where the woman had cheated on her husband like 30 years ago and that's all she talked about. How she had cheated 30 years ago. In front of him. It was almost like it was the only exciting thing they had going on in their boring marriage.

Oh, and @bobert , that's not you being an ass. Being an ass would imply strength. That's you tantruming like a 4 year old and taking it out on her because you allowed yourself to be humiliated by not having the fortitude to leave. The cheating is on her, your reaction to it is on you.

If you end up cheated on either have the strength to leave or the strength to forgive them and stay. Don't occupy a weird, indecisive, angry middle ground where you just stay and tantrum. It's the worst thing you can do.
 

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Acceptance and forgiveness.

Even if the offended chooses divorce, which is an option.

On a personal note, I'm not dealing with adultery, but I am being treated very badly in my family. I'm being lied about. I'm being ganged up on and bullied. I'm being 'scapegoated'. By the majority of my family.

What is my response going to be?

I can turn in on myself and get depressed and feel hopeless and become suicidal - or I can accept the situation and forgive the people involved and move on with my life.

And I'm sharing this because I want to show that I'm not just full of talk. I know what it means to suffer unfairly.

What I'm suggesting is so, so hard. And it's a daily challenge. Some days are good and other aren't. But I will live out my beliefs. I will obey.
I accepted but will never forgive. That's just me though
 
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I see a lot of advice on this board that the WS should tell the BS EVERYTHING. I just don't understand.

That doesn't sound healthy to me. If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?

IMO that level of detail only sets up the sickest porn movie in the BS's mind & makes everything worse because it can't be shut off. It would just play on an endless hurtful loop.

There has to be some sort of full disclosure that is not quite that much detail. What is the point of telling everything? That seems more like rubbing salt in the wounds, especially if like in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heel? It seems like it would just make him feel worse.

I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
I can’t speak for everyone, but personally, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. Here are the reasons:

1) If it’s not too terrible to DO, then it isn’t too terrible to speak about.

2) The first step of true remorse in my opinion is shifting to honesty. If one can’t be honest, then there is no remorse. Whether that makes you feel bad about yourself is beside the point.

3) It’s nobody’s job to manage the information I want for me. And I argued this with the MCs, ICs and the cheater. I decide the information I need, not anyone else.

4) It’s not about reconciliation, it’s about having an accurate (or as close to it as possible) story to understand what was happening to me in my own life and marriage. If the details are being kept to ensure a more successful reconciliation, then it’s based on fiction and denial and isn’t real anyway.

5) If someone else has information on what my spouse was doing behind my back, I deserve to know it. There should be zero secrets left between AP and Cheater. This is another piece of true remorse, the intimacy is shifted away from the AP, this includes the secrets. I want to know everything, because secrets have power.

I did in fact use the details to heal through EMDR. I never got the full truth or details because I stopped asking them at some point, but many of my fictional mind movies were replaced with more realistic mind movies, and those were used during EMDR. I can say I don’t have many of those triggers now because of it. And I know if someone who witnessed (or was in) the affair let something out accidentally or on purpose, it wouldn’t bother me… as opposed to hearing new information that was kept to “save me”.

I became the detective of my marriage. I wanted every single detail of the crime itself to get an accurate story of what happened when my marriage was murdered with the multitude of evidence.

I’ve worked VERY hard on myself using this experience as a catalyst for becoming a better person. I was a pretty good wife, and I got cheated on, but I had to assess a lot of my issues in why I ended up in the place I did, with the kind of person that would cheat on me. Being inquisitive, specific, and detail oriented has only helped me in this endeavor.
 

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Correct.

If we want full honesty... If I'm hurting, I want her to hurt too. Kind of a "you caused this so take some of it back" thing. Or if she's bringing up anything I did and I get defensive, I know how to shut her up/shut her down. I could try and word that more nicely but that's what it is so no point sugar coating it... Sometimes there is a bit of not wanting her to leave or be with someone else, whether that's an affair or a "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" thing. So sometimes tearing her down eases whatever feeling that is, even though in reality it's more likely to backfire.

She doesn't do that. She tried a "taste of your own medicine" thing once but that sort of thing isn't her or how she wants to act. I'm well aware that I'm an ass.
Well, I wouldn't call you an ass exactly...but I just wonder if acting that way gets you what you want LONG TERM. I know it feels good in the moment, but when you speak that way you are basically attacking and tearing down whatever good you've built up. It appears in those moments that you can control her feelings by going on the attack, but eventually you are going to lose that control and potentially lose her or her love/respect/trust. Your reconciliation is still very young, and struggling to "mature" into a REAL marriage/love between you both (from how it sounds, not that I know for sure).

It just surprises me that you are still stuck at this point, because you are SO SMART -- your posts to help others have a brilliant honesty about them that I'm sure are so helpful for people -- but the way you relate can be so toxic and damaging TO YOU, I don't know why you haven't used your considerable understanding and self-knowledge to choose to truly heal your relationship. And maybe you ARE, I'm not saying I could possibly know the nuances of what you are thinking and feeling.

I am NOT judging you as bad or good (how could I?)...but maybe just trying to understand how you can struggle so mightily with this. And allow your emotions to create situations that will have consequences that could hurt you in the future.
 

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Correct.

If we want full honesty... If I'm hurting, I want her to hurt too. Kind of a "you caused this so take some of it back" thing. Or if she's bringing up anything I did and I get defensive, I know how to shut her up/shut her down. I could try and word that more nicely but that's what it is so no point sugar coating it... Sometimes there is a bit of not wanting her to leave or be with someone else, whether that's an affair or a "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" thing. So sometimes tearing her down eases whatever feeling that is, even though in reality it's more likely to backfire.

She doesn't do that. She tried a "taste of your own medicine" thing once but that sort of thing isn't her or how she wants to act. I'm well aware that I'm an ass.
I am afraid if I was cheated on, my rage would drive me to the place I would separate and stack 25-40 yr old women like chord wood to try to erase the thought of my wife.

Hell I have had a couple of young hotties give me looks that made me feel like a mouse in a room of hungry kitties. I thought, damn girl I am old enough to be your daddy. No I'm not saying that kind of daddy 😜.

If wife went there I might be tempted. But would need to see ID first to be sure.
 

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My husband was a world-class liar. There was no way to know if anything he said was really the truth so when I decided to reconcile I did it without details. I eventually forgave him but I never forgot for a moment that he was a cheater and capable of many things. Maybe what he did wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Or maybe it was much worse. I’ll never know and it no longer matters. Everyone handles these things in their own way.
 

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Most betrayed spouses need the details to know if they want to R or D. Some need it for their own peace of mind. Some use it to go after the cheater.

It is every betrayed spouses decision of what level of info they need to heal and move forward.
 

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It's not full disclosure that is required, it is full honesty. So if the BS needs to hear the details, then the WS needs to tell the details with full honesty. If the BS doesn't ask for or need the details, then you don't have to tell them, that would just be cruel.

Whether the BS decides to end the marriage after asking for and hearing the details is irrelevant to whether the WS should provide as much detail as the BS asks for. IMHO, if the WS fails to provide full honesty the marriage is doomed.
 

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Replying after reading the first post. I didn't read the whole thread yet.

The full disclosure depends on what the BS needs and asks. Some people don't need to know the details and some people do. Simple as that.

The other issue is that healing for the betrayed spouse can't truly begin till the last lie has been told. Not giving details could be considered as lying by omission. So, whenever the betrayed spouse finds a new (to her/him) piece of information, it could feel like the D-day all over again and it has the potential to wipe out all the progress that has been made thus far.
 
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