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582 Posts
Well said.
Why FULL Disclosure ?
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3,710 Posts
Full disclosure gives the BS the info to decide if they want to reconcile. There may be something there that is a deal breaker. The sex acts the spouse denied hubby since marriage, etc.
To me it would help sear in my mind what a vile and defiled person my wife was...it would help help fuel my resolve to nuke it all and kill any love I had for her. I would want to know because cheating is a deal breaker for me.
I am a guy that sex is much more than a physical act. Sex can lead to pregnancy, I remember the way I felt about my wife when she was pregnant and the love and bond we had then.
For her to cheat, knowing pregnancy is possibility, in my mind it would be her acknowledging she wants to have APs baby and have that same bond we had, with him. Game Over....
The details would just help to speed up the destruction of my love for her. Lessen the length of time of my pain by increasing my loathing disgust and disdain toward her.
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582 Posts
Well said
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885 Posts
Curious, is your relationship any good at this point? Why not divorce?
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3,490 Posts
Correct.
If we want full honesty... If I'm hurting, I want her to hurt too. Kind of a "you caused this so take some of it back" thing. Or if she's bringing up anything I did and I get defensive, I know how to shut her up/shut her down. I could try and word that more nicely but that's what it is so no point sugar coating it... Sometimes there is a bit of not wanting her to leave or be with someone else, whether that's an affair or a "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" thing. So sometimes tearing her down eases whatever feeling that is, even though in reality it's more likely to backfire.
She doesn't do that. She tried a "taste of your own medicine" thing once but that sort of thing isn't her or how she wants to act. I'm well aware that I'm an ass.
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4,989 Posts
I think you meant to ask @bobert this...?
It all depends on the BS.I am one of those people who can't process things or heal or move on unless I know the details. I have had several occasions in my life where things were kept from me and having found things out later I really wish I had known at the time.
Mr D on the other had doesn't need to know details and never asked his ex much about her affair.
So I would say play it by ear but I definitely agree that certain things need to be told such as how long the affair was, who the AP is, where did you meet up for sex etc.
Mr D on the other had doesn't need to know details and never asked his ex much about her affair.
So I would say play it by ear but I definitely agree that certain things need to be told such as how long the affair was, who the AP is, where did you meet up for sex etc.
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802 Posts
I think some guys get off on the sorted details in some way. There was a couple on our old forum d0nni where the woman had cheated on her husband like 30 years ago and that's all she talked about. How she had cheated 30 years ago. In front of him. It was almost like it was the only exciting thing they had going on in their boring marriage.
Oh, and @bobert , that's not you being an ass. Being an ass would imply strength. That's you tantruming like a 4 year old and taking it out on her because you allowed yourself to be humiliated by not having the fortitude to leave. The cheating is on her, your reaction to it is on you.
If you end up cheated on either have the strength to leave or the strength to forgive them and stay. Don't occupy a weird, indecisive, angry middle ground where you just stay and tantrum. It's the worst thing you can do.
Oh, and @bobert , that's not you being an ass. Being an ass would imply strength. That's you tantruming like a 4 year old and taking it out on her because you allowed yourself to be humiliated by not having the fortitude to leave. The cheating is on her, your reaction to it is on you.
If you end up cheated on either have the strength to leave or the strength to forgive them and stay. Don't occupy a weird, indecisive, angry middle ground where you just stay and tantrum. It's the worst thing you can do.
I accepted but will never forgive. That's just me though
I can’t speak for everyone, but personally, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. Here are the reasons:
1) If it’s not too terrible to DO, then it isn’t too terrible to speak about.
2) The first step of true remorse in my opinion is shifting to honesty. If one can’t be honest, then there is no remorse. Whether that makes you feel bad about yourself is beside the point.
3) It’s nobody’s job to manage the information I want for me. And I argued this with the MCs, ICs and the cheater. I decide the information I need, not anyone else.
4) It’s not about reconciliation, it’s about having an accurate (or as close to it as possible) story to understand what was happening to me in my own life and marriage. If the details are being kept to ensure a more successful reconciliation, then it’s based on fiction and denial and isn’t real anyway.
5) If someone else has information on what my spouse was doing behind my back, I deserve to know it. There should be zero secrets left between AP and Cheater. This is another piece of true remorse, the intimacy is shifted away from the AP, this includes the secrets. I want to know everything, because secrets have power.
I did in fact use the details to heal through EMDR. I never got the full truth or details because I stopped asking them at some point, but many of my fictional mind movies were replaced with more realistic mind movies, and those were used during EMDR. I can say I don’t have many of those triggers now because of it. And I know if someone who witnessed (or was in) the affair let something out accidentally or on purpose, it wouldn’t bother me… as opposed to hearing new information that was kept to “save me”.
I became the detective of my marriage. I wanted every single detail of the crime itself to get an accurate story of what happened when my marriage was murdered with the multitude of evidence.
I’ve worked VERY hard on myself using this experience as a catalyst for becoming a better person. I was a pretty good wife, and I got cheated on, but I had to assess a lot of my issues in why I ended up in the place I did, with the kind of person that would cheat on me. Being inquisitive, specific, and detail oriented has only helped me in this endeavor.
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Well, I wouldn't call you an ass exactly...but I just wonder if acting that way gets you what you want LONG TERM. I know it feels good in the moment, but when you speak that way you are basically attacking and tearing down whatever good you've built up. It appears in those moments that you can control her feelings by going on the attack, but eventually you are going to lose that control and potentially lose her or her love/respect/trust. Your reconciliation is still very young, and struggling to "mature" into a REAL marriage/love between you both (from how it sounds, not that I know for sure).
It just surprises me that you are still stuck at this point, because you are SO SMART -- your posts to help others have a brilliant honesty about them that I'm sure are so helpful for people -- but the way you relate can be so toxic and damaging TO YOU, I don't know why you haven't used your considerable understanding and self-knowledge to choose to truly heal your relationship. And maybe you ARE, I'm not saying I could possibly know the nuances of what you are thinking and feeling.
I am NOT judging you as bad or good (how could I?)...but maybe just trying to understand how you can struggle so mightily with this. And allow your emotions to create situations that will have consequences that could hurt you in the future.
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I am afraid if I was cheated on, my rage would drive me to the place I would separate and stack 25-40 yr old women like chord wood to try to erase the thought of my wife.
Hell I have had a couple of young hotties give me looks that made me feel like a mouse in a room of hungry kitties. I thought, damn girl I am old enough to be your daddy. No I'm not saying that kind of daddy 😜.
If wife went there I might be tempted. But would need to see ID first to be sure.
Forgiving is for your well being not theirs.
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11,342 Posts
My husband was a world-class liar. There was no way to know if anything he said was really the truth so when I decided to reconcile I did it without details. I eventually forgave him but I never forgot for a moment that he was a cheater and capable of many things. Maybe what he did wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Or maybe it was much worse. I’ll never know and it no longer matters. Everyone handles these things in their own way.
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It's not full disclosure that is required, it is full honesty. So if the BS needs to hear the details, then the WS needs to tell the details with full honesty. If the BS doesn't ask for or need the details, then you don't have to tell them, that would just be cruel.
Whether the BS decides to end the marriage after asking for and hearing the details is irrelevant to whether the WS should provide as much detail as the BS asks for. IMHO, if the WS fails to provide full honesty the marriage is doomed.
Whether the BS decides to end the marriage after asking for and hearing the details is irrelevant to whether the WS should provide as much detail as the BS asks for. IMHO, if the WS fails to provide full honesty the marriage is doomed.
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3,300 Posts
I asked for all the details often... Hearing them kept me continually motivated to push the divorce along lol.
Replying after reading the first post. I didn't read the whole thread yet.
The full disclosure depends on what the BS needs and asks. Some people don't need to know the details and some people do. Simple as that.
The other issue is that healing for the betrayed spouse can't truly begin till the last lie has been told. Not giving details could be considered as lying by omission. So, whenever the betrayed spouse finds a new (to her/him) piece of information, it could feel like the D-day all over again and it has the potential to wipe out all the progress that has been made thus far.
The full disclosure depends on what the BS needs and asks. Some people don't need to know the details and some people do. Simple as that.
The other issue is that healing for the betrayed spouse can't truly begin till the last lie has been told. Not giving details could be considered as lying by omission. So, whenever the betrayed spouse finds a new (to her/him) piece of information, it could feel like the D-day all over again and it has the potential to wipe out all the progress that has been made thus far.
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I’m in the “tell me everything or GTFO” camp.
As for why, much of it has to do with demonstrating a willingness to be held to account.
As for why, much of it has to do with demonstrating a willingness to be held to account.
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