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I see a lot of advice on this board that the WS should tell the BS EVERYTHING. I just don't understand.

That doesn't sound healthy to me. If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?

IMO that level of detail only sets up the sickest porn movie in the BS's mind & makes everything worse because it can't be shut off. It would just play on an endless hurtful loop.

There has to be some sort of full disclosure that is not quite that much detail. What is the point of telling everything? That seems more like rubbing salt in the wounds, especially if like in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heel? It seems like it would just make him feel worse.

I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
 

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I think the advice is that, if R is on the table, the WS wishing to advance R needs to give the BS whatever level of disclosure the BS requests.

What I've seen as a pattern is that many BS's in R are plagued by mind movies -- that is, imaginary cheater porn -- and the most effective way to end that is the Full Monty disclosure. Sure, there's an element of replacing imagination-driven cheater porn with reality TV cheater porn, but at the very least, it puts a lid on it. The imagination, left unchecked, continuously creates newer and more awful scenarios.
 

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It's not good, but it is human. People feel hurt and have been betrayed, so knowing everything (or just 'more') gives them ammunition to use against the person who hurt them. They feel justified weaponizing the information.

And that goes hand in hand with the horrible advice to shout it all from the rooftops so that everyone else can shame the offender too.

It's nothing more than morbid curiosity to ask for details, and it definitely has nothing to do with moving forward and working towards forgiveness.
 

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I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
Not everyone wants to know, but for those who do, it's generally because what they're making up inside their own head is much worse than the reality. So, they keep asking to make sure it's not as bad as their mind movies. Plus, it's the repetition to see if the story changes.
 

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Another problem I have in these situations is that the person who's been cheated on is automatically viewed as completely pure and innocent, while the offender is demonized.

It all becomes very black and white, but that's not how we are. We're both and all shades in between. Each of us.

My experience is that people enjoy playing victim. They like that attention, and it's an opportunity to hide their own offenses.
 

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If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?
I agree with you, although every case is different. John Gottman advises disclosing everything except the icky details you mention.

in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heal?
It definitely doesn't help him heal. It may help him decide whether to stay or not.

The "each others firsts" makes a difference.

You can understand that if she liked those new things, and wants to ask DH to try them, she's now in a very difficult position (so to speak). She's going to have to attempt something like "I didn't like HIM, but I did like when he beat me with a bunch of kale, so perhaps you can try that...."
It all depends....
 

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I see a lot of advice on this board that the WS should tell the BS EVERYTHING. I just don't understand.

That doesn't sound healthy to me. If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?

IMO that level of detail only sets up the sickest porn movie in the BS's mind & makes everything worse because it can't be shut off. It would just play on an endless hurtful loop.

There has to be some sort of full disclosure that is not quite that much detail. What is the point of telling everything? That seems more like rubbing salt in the wounds, especially if like in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heel? It seems like it would just make him feel worse.

I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
It depends on the BS.

If they ask, the question needs answering truthfully.

Some want to know and some don't but, unless there is something about the affair that needs addressed in counseling, details are up to the BS to ask for and up to the WS to answer truthfully and as many times as asked.
 

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Another problem I have in these situations is that the person who's been cheated on is automatically viewed as completely pure and innocent, while the offender is demonized.

It all becomes very black and white, but that's not how we are. We're both and all shades in between. Each of us.

My experience is that people enjoy playing victim. They like that attention, and it's an opportunity to hide their own offenses.
Massive amounts of truth to this. There are definitely a few long time posters here, that when you see/read how they interact with others, it's not a very big leap to realize that the story they put up is a very non-objective view of what probably happened to cause the demise of a marriage.
 

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I agree from the point that some just want the details about his **** size and how many times they did it
Some went so far as to tell her to go Inform THE WIFE of lover boy even though he did not have a wife , yes it looks as if this man used the woman in question but she was excerpting her part in it .

But I for one would not want every little detail about the sex .
BUT everyone is different ,
We had all so a victim that came back last night saying after trying for a long time she thinks she should divorce
BUT THAT TOPIC was not as interesting like the free porn in the other so she got few response ,
even though all claimed they would like to be able tell the victim what to do .

WHAT made the mater worse was that it was her second ever post and her second ever topic and when you look up her other topic her first topic Dates back 2 years ago
when she posted a topic about her cheating husband and what she should do to make things better
 
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I see a lot of advice on this board that the WS should tell the BS EVERYTHING. I just don't understand.

That doesn't sound healthy to me. If you have learned that your spouse cheated how is hearing every dirty detail of every sex act they committed with the AP including, when, where, & how often, whether their were orgasms, & what positions going to help?

IMO that level of detail only sets up the sickest porn movie in the BS's mind & makes everything worse because it can't be shut off. It would just play on an endless hurtful loop.

There has to be some sort of full disclosure that is not quite that much detail. What is the point of telling everything? That seems more like rubbing salt in the wounds, especially if like in a recent thread the married couple had been each other's 1sts and only but now the BS did things with her AP she hasn't done with DH. How the <bleep> does sharing those gory details with him help him heel? It seems like it would just make him feel worse.

I really don't get it (& I hope I never have to find out 1st hand) but if somebody could enlighten me & maybe others who are trying to find a path forward, that would be appreciated.
It does not works like this. This is up to the BS to decide.

IF the BS request details about the affair from the WS, the WS should not withhold information by assuming that the BS will feel more pain.

The BS is already in extreme pain but wants to see how honest the WS is. Dishonesty will shatter the wheel.

Look at what this BS has to say about his wife:


He HATES his WS for LYING to him. He knows his wife LIED to him.

He have taught her a lesson by cutting her off from all the CHEATING-ENABLERS in her life. This includes her relatives.

He has endured for his KIDS.

Poor KIDS.

Cheaters do not realize how much DAMAGE they can cause to the KIDS.

But he is still hurting deep down. He is on the knife-edge and have hinted that he will DUMP his wife if he finds something more. She knows it as well.

Therefore.

If the BS does not demands details about the affair, then FINE.
 

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Full disclosure should never be forced. However, if the BS wants it then the WS needs to give it.

The BS needs to figure out why they want that info though. Is it just pain shopping? Do they need the info to move forward? I've also been told (actually, I think it was my wife who was told) to write questions down, really think about why you want/need answers, then wait a few days to see if you still want the answers later. Impulsively asking questions may not be the best bet. Does one really need to know what some other guy tastes like? Probably not.

I wanted demanded to know everything. Every question that you can think of, I asked and she answered. All the gory details. She definitely didn't want to answer a lot of the questions so it's not like she got off on it by any means. It was part of my process though.

Yeah, it ****ing sucked. Those months/years were awful and I'd rather chew off my own leg than do it again. I have my moments but as long as I'm careful about it knowing doesn't really bother me at this point though. I know what she did and most of the time "it is what it is". Knowing the details of her affairs makes it feel more like another part of "our" history if that makes sense (I'm tired!). There are no secrets left or anything only she or they are privy to.

On the other side of things, my wife prefers not having the details of anything I've done. Sometimes she asks but I don't answer and she drops it very quickly. The few times I've forced info for one reason or another didn't go well.

She knows me, what I'm into, what I like, etc. and can come up with a pretty good idea of what happened without it coming out of my mouth. I'm sure her ideas aren't always accurate but that works for her, I guess. I never in a billion years saw her cheating so maybe that's part of the difference, I don't know, but she's also definitely a rug sweeper for anything I've done (not for her side). Kinda hard to pretend it didn't happen when you hear all the details.
 

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Full disclosure should never be forced. However, if the BS wants it then the WS needs to give it.

The BS needs to figure out why they want that info though. Is it just pain shopping? Do they need the info to move forward? I've also been told (actually, I think it was my wife who was told) to write questions down, really think about why you want/need answers, then wait a few days to see if you still want the answers later. Impulsively asking questions may not be the best bet. Does one really need to know what some other guy tastes like? Probably not.

I wanted demanded to know everything. Every question that you can think of, I asked and she answered. All the gory details. She definitely didn't want to answer a lot of the questions so it's not like she got off on it by any means. It was part of my process though.

Yeah, it ****ing sucked. Those months/years were awful and I'd rather chew off my own leg than do it again. I have my moments but as long as I'm careful about it knowing doesn't really bother me at this point though. I know what she did and most of the time "it is what it is". Knowing the details of her affairs makes it feel more like another part of "our" history if that makes sense (I'm tired!). There are no secrets left or anything only she or they are privy to.

On the other side of things, my wife prefers not having the details of anything I've done. Sometimes she asks but I don't answer and she drops it very quickly. The few times I've forced info for one reason or another didn't go well.

She knows me, what I'm into, what I like, etc. and can come up with a pretty good idea of what happened without it coming out of my mouth. I'm sure her ideas aren't always accurate but that works for her, I guess. I never in a billion years saw her cheating so maybe that's part of the difference, I don't know, but she's also definitely a rug sweeper for anything I've done (not for her side). Kinda hard to pretend it didn't happen when you hear all the details.
So did you both cheat then?
 

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One person's need for closure or details or whatever is not a cue for another person to perform on demand. In any situation. That's giving power to others - it's idolatry.

Having all the information in the world doesn't guarantee peace within ourselves. That's work we do on our own.
If you are talking about forum posters, I agree.

A betrayed spouse does deserve whatever questions answered though.

I likely wouldn't reconcile and personally couldn't care less about a lot of details but I would want to know what bullpucky was passing for thoughts while she engaged in an affair and I would have answers.

My wife doesn't have the luxury of keeping a bunch of secrets from me anyway and especially in a situation involving infidelity.

The same would be true of me.
 

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Yes

It is super honest of you and your other post on this topic is super ,
and judging by the type of cross examination of other posters we have not mover far from the days that the Adulterous person had to were an A on their chest,
 

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@ConanHub, I'm going to respond in biblical terms, because we're both Christians. If I need to delete this because we're not in the 'religion' section, that's fine.

There are only two choices - respond from a God-centered perspective, or be self-centered. That's it.

We are commanded to forgive. And it is conditional. We will be forgiven as we have chosen to forgive - the measure we use will be used on us.

And we are commanded to die to ourselves. We are to daily pick up our cross (suffer) and choose/put on Christ-like behavior.

You either believe that, or you don't.
 
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