Why exactly is ‘revenge cheating’ a bad thing?

Now that we're not threadjacking

Big Daddy nailed one point. In sex outside the marriage is simply irrelevant in most states. The only thing all states care about legally is preventing multiple marriages. So outside of those 17 states, there are no rules to break. Again if you are religious, there ARE rules to break. I completely accept that.

The title "revenge affair" misdirects most of these discussions. Having sex with someone after a spouses' affair in order simply to hurt them is not constructive so just head off to divorce. If reconciliation is the goal, deliberately inflicting pain just to inflict pain and not to heal, seems counterproductive.

TDBO - If your point is that divorce is the most likely outcome after infidelity so don't waste too much time - I agree. But having read this site and others, one pesky truth is that some people can and do reconcile successfully. It's not the likely outcome by far, but it happens. And the point I want to stress is that for some significant minority of reconcilers - having a rebalancing Partner (let's dodge revenge affair) is integral to that recovery.

I think there are several legit reasons some BSs (not by any stretch all) hoping to reconcile might still benefit from sexual healing. Mind movies are a persistent injury that both genders suffer. More than one poster has insisted that outside sex helped quell them. Rebalancing - some BS know that their resentment that their partner experienced something new and different will eat them. I particularly see this in the stories with one-and-only's . I sense in reading that spouses with a very diverse sexual history are a bit more able to move past this. I think for some it's simply to reclaim/restart their sex drive - which many victims complain about losing almost completely after infidelity.

Big Daddy - I agree that a persons wiring towards sex probably informs this problem. I completely agree that there are folks who simply can't think of sex detached from an emotion. I have a male friend who has always said that. I don't believe I'm wired that way. Wife and I have never discussed actually having an open relationship. However, we've discussed the pros and cons and factors over the years. She is very anti. I'm neutral. Point is - for me - if it was something she wanted...I think I would have been fine with it (with lots of rules!) But she is my prime directive. I do nothing to jeopardize us. So I strongly suspect I'd be perfectly fine with some sort of casual relationship, where others would not be. Totally OK.

One thing that could get me downvoted is that in these situations, people seem to overlook that there are professional options. The real problem with compensation/rebalancing sex is that it can trigger responses so bad in the other side that reconciliation is trashed. If a BH seeks out an NSA partner, he risks triggering his WWs deep evolutionary fear that he will catch feelings and transfer attachment. Seeking professional services (legal sex work) could alleviate much of that. A trip to Amsterdam or New Zealand or parts of Nevada would handle this for some folks. If you are woman seeking a rebalancing affair - if you do it with a man - evolutionary psychology pretty much guarantees WH will not get over it. Unfair. But probably true. In that case, perhaps seeking a female companion will work. Woman seem to be far mor bi-curious than men. Whatever paternity uncertainty button that gets pushed when women SOs sleep with other men, seems to more silent when partner is a woman.

Anyway - really interesting discussion. Having spent a lot of time reading these stories for a legit - but not infidelity related reason - it's a helpful way for me to offload thoughts that have gathered.

I can't wade into "Revenge cheating" from any personal experience and that was not my intent.

Having read what feels like a million of these stories in a very short space of time, I just noticed things that muddied up the discussions and advice offered.

1. Mixing Religious with secular concepts. Many, Many religious folks have honor, integrity, and logic. Same with secular folks. Issue here is that the logic of one does not necessarily apply to the other. The term "cheating" is fraught because to cheat, one has to break a rule. Religious folks generally see cheating is cheating is cheating, because the rules they are applying (covenants and commandments) run directly from the Deity to each person; one persons action can't impact that. . Whereas secular folks apply essentially legal logic, where one person's action can logically affect how the "rules " apply to another person. (i.e. I'm not "bad" for not honoring an already broken contract) .

2. Successful Reconciliations are the exception. But they clearly happen. Some people do get over infidelity. (Hard to picture it for myself if I ever faced that horror- but point is...it happens)

3. Some (not tiny) percentage of folks who reconcile do so after "revenge"/rebalancing affairs. New sexual experiences clearly help some reconcilers to get through. They might even decry that they regret the revenge etc. From the outside, it does not matter. So advice that universally condemns "revenge" /rebalancing affairs seems more driven by religious scruples. See (1) above . So - is revenge cheating a good idea? Generally no. Is it doomed to fail. Absolutely not. Is it ethical? See (1)