Talk About Marriage banner
Cancel

Why exactly is ‘revenge cheating’ a bad thing?

12266 Views 168 Replies 69 Participants Last post by  MattMatt, 
D
long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking of a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 4
Status
Not open for further replies.
121 - 140 of 169 Posts
D
Griswold said:
TDBO - You raise a point that I always struggle with. I think Daryf4 said she plans to leave rather than seek a compensation / revenge partner. But the idea that folks who have revenge affairs are "cheaters" does not sit with me. If you and I have a contract ; you agree to cut my lawn and I pay you - and you stop cutting my lawn - you are in breach. I'm not a cheater if I don't pay you and pay someone else in stead . If your state does not criminalize adultery (I think 17 do), and you were not "religious" or married religiously (so you are not bound by an independent covenant with the Deity or by the 6th Commandment) , how are you cheating ?- what "rule" are you breaking if you engage in sexual activity after your partner plainly, unequivocally, breaches the marital contract?

Folks do raise a "what about" argument about what other actions might be a breach. I find that unpersuasive as there really can be NO question that infidelity IS a breach. Other infractions are subject to reasonable debate, and may not rise to the level of materiality to constitute a breach that destroys your duty of fidelity. That's normal contact law (and I recognize marriages are unenforceable as contracts, but most if not all states have cases that hold Marriages are civil contracts). But I think it's plain as day that after sexual infidelity, your marriage contract is broken. You can "condone" (have sex again with your partner and waive the breach); reject (walk away - divorce), or renegotiate (reconcile). If having sex with a new partners is part of your reconciliation package, you are NOT cheating - you are renegotiating. It might be a stupid or unethical thing to do if you hurt other innocent folks. Note too that It's quite appropriate if your wayward refuses to accept that term. Totally their right. As long as it is in the open and part of the renegotiation -it's fair and its not "cheating." Now...plenty of folks revenge cheat and are as unethical as the original cheater (best story ever is Lorenzo's epic disaster of revenge cheating on LoveShack). If you fake a reconciliation and then cheat...you are breaking the new contract. Not terribly complicated to assess. Hard to actually do all of this without emotion, I'm sure. Ask Taxman....
Click to expand...
At the risk of offending the conventional wisdom here, I do tend to agree with you.

I’m not advocating revenge cheating, but I don’t think it’s automatically wrong or even counterproductive. It really just depends on your objectives.

Once the contract is broken at that level (initial spouses infidelity), there is no more contract, and the BS is no longer beholden to any loyalty/fidelity, unless/until a new contract is agreed-upon.

If the intent is to divorce, then it really doesn’t matter anyway. But if it’s unclear if the path will be D or R, and the betrayed spouse feels the need to sleep with another, I’m not automatically opposed to it.
It may or may not help the BS, and it may or may not end up complicating or tanking the chances of a potential reconciliation.

if the intent is just to inflict pain on the wayward spouse, I think it’s pointless and stupid, because as others have said, the level of pain and trauma inflicted will never be equal. But if that’s what a betrayed spouse needs to try to move forward, then so be it.

I don’t know that I could ever reconcile after a physical affair, but if I were to try, I’m pretty sure I’d need to go down that path to attempt to rebalance the scales to some degree (obviously it will never be fully balanced again).

I think the way to do it though, would be to be upfront and above board about it. “You betrayed me and destroyed me and our marriage, and now you want a chance of reconciliation. I’ll consider it, but in the meantime here’s what I’ll be doing… You can accept that that’s part of my healing process, or you can choose not to. But this is what I’ll be doing and this is what I need to help heal and to bring some amount of balance back to the equation to be able to even try moving forward with you.”
See less See more
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 3
D
re16 said:
^^^Yep, don't stoop to their level^^^^

That said, if you were hell bent on getting even, break it off with him officially, sow your oats, then offer to get back together... at least that way, it was technically not cheating.....
Click to expand...
It’s not stooping to their level because the contract has already been broken. It’s void, it doesn’t exist anymore.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 3
G
BigDaddyNY said:
I think in large part it is a matter of personal integrity.
Click to expand...
Big Daddy - I guess what frustrates me is that your position is implicitly religious. For folks of a religious bent (many many of my friends) your position is logical and has integrity. For secular folks like me, I think my position is logical and has integrity. Fidelity is a negotiated state. I promise not to chase sex...in return for a promise not to chase sex. Like any contract, my duty to perform ends when the contract is incurably breached. As long as one acts in the open and without dishonesty, one is NOT lowering themselves to a level. The duty is extinguished. No one calls into question the character of someone who fails to hold up their end of a contract when the other party plainly, indisputably breaks the contract. Why is it different here?

Not saying a person's behavior after breach can't be unethical. Using someone for sex as part of your healing is fraught. Also, as many point out quite legitimately, it won't make reconciliation easier. But having looked at these stories (too many really, but that's my own mania that has to ease up :)) the fact is, a more than a tiny minority of the successful reconciliations I've read about involve some level of "revenge" or balancing sex. It's absolutely not a cure-all. But I think folks calling it out do so more out of a sense of moral outrage (founded on plainly religious principles) that any real sense of the efficacy.

And i really enjoy the discussion Big Daddy. TAM is great place for working through these things in my (our) head. I hope Daryf4 does not mind the threadjack. I think she's making all of this moot by leaving (or "rejecting" the contract). And I wish her well.
See less See more
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
G
DudeInProgress said:
think the way to do it though, would be to be upfront and above board about it. “You betrayed me and destroyed me and our marriage, and now you want a chance of reconciliation. I’ll consider it, but in the meantime here’s what I’ll be doing… You can accept that that’s part of my healing process, or you can choose not to. But this is what I’ll be doing and this is what I need to help heal and to bring some amount of balance back to the equation to be able to even try moving forward with you.”
Click to expand...
This. I fervently hope that I never ever have to endure the horror may posters here have. But in my mental "go-bag" if the worst happened....will be your paragraph above.
Save
Like
T
BigDaddyNY said:
I think in large part it is a matter of personal integrity. Do you really want to take yourself down to your adulterous spouse's level? In a way I think the revenge affair is almost worse. You are doing it for the sole purpose of inflicting pain on another person, no other reason. And now you are changing yourself from someone that placed a high value on fidelity and that sex going hand in hand with a relationship to someone that thinks it has little meaning. You would be willing to seek out a one night stand?
Click to expand...
Precisely.
Most people want someone who models the behaviors they expect of others.
I don't envy anyone who is cheated on in a relationship.
Cheating on someone is IMO one of the most vile and disrespectable things that one person can do to another.
There are two reasonable courses of action: either work through it or terminate the relationship.
Revenge cheating, IMO, demonstrates a lack of maturity and self control.
It negates victim status to me.
Save
Like
T
Griswold said:
TDBO - You raise a point that I always struggle with. I think Daryf4 said she plans to leave rather than seek a compensation / revenge partner. But the idea that folks who have revenge affairs are "cheaters" does not sit with me. If you and I have a contract ; you agree to cut my lawn and I pay you - and you stop cutting my lawn - you are in breach. I'm not a cheater if I don't pay you and pay someone else in stead . If your state does not criminalize adultery (I think 17 do), and you were not "religious" or married religiously (so you are not bound by an independent covenant with the Deity or by the 6th Commandment) , how are you cheating ?- what "rule" are you breaking if you engage in sexual activity after your partner plainly, unequivocally, breaches the marital contract?

Folks do raise a "what about" argument about what other actions might be a breach. I find that unpersuasive as there really can be NO question that infidelity IS a breach. Other infractions are subject to reasonable debate, and may not rise to the level of materiality to constitute a breach that destroys your duty of fidelity. That's normal contact law (and I recognize marriages are unenforceable as contracts, but most if not all states have cases that hold Marriages are civil contracts). But I think it's plain as day that after sexual infidelity, your marriage contract is broken. You can "condone" (have sex again with your partner and waive the breach); reject (walk away - divorce), or renegotiate (reconcile). If having sex with a new partners is part of your reconciliation package, you are NOT cheating - you are renegotiating. It might be a stupid or unethical thing to do if you hurt other innocent folks. Note too that It's quite appropriate if your wayward refuses to accept that term. Totally their right. As long as it is in the open and part of the renegotiation -it's fair and its not "cheating." Now...plenty of folks revenge cheat and are as unethical as the original cheater (best story ever is Lorenzo's epic disaster of revenge cheating on LoveShack). If you fake a reconciliation and then cheat...you are breaking the new contract. Not terribly complicated to assess. Hard to actually do all of this without emotion, I'm sure. Ask Taxman....
Click to expand...
Guess we disagree.
I'm fine with that.
Save
Like
MattMatt
Griswold said:
Big Daddy - I guess what frustrates me is that your position is implicitly religious. For folks of a religious bent (many many of my friends) your position is logical and has integrity. For secular folks like me, I think my position is logical and has integrity. Fidelity is a negotiated state. I promise not to chase sex...in return for a promise not to chase sex. Like any contract, my duty to perform ends when the contract is incurably breached. As long as one acts in the open and without dishonesty, one is NOT lowering themselves to a level. The duty is extinguished. No one calls into question the character of someone who fails to hold up their end of a contract when the other party plainly, indisputably breaks the contract. Why is it different here?

Not saying a person's behavior after breach can't be unethical. Using someone for sex as part of your healing is fraught. Also, as many point out quite legitimately, it won't make reconciliation easier. But having looked at these stories (too many really, but that's my own mania that has to ease up :)) the fact is, a more than a tiny minority of the successful reconciliations I've read about involve some level of "revenge" or balancing sex. It's absolutely not a cure-all. But I think folks calling it out do so more out of a sense of moral outrage (founded on plainly religious principles) that any real sense of the efficacy.

And i really enjoy the discussion Big Daddy. TAM is great place for working through these things in my (our) head. I hope Daryf4 does not mind the threadjack. I think she's making all of this moot by leaving (or "rejecting" the contract). And I wish her well.
Click to expand...
As it transpired that she or he was a troll with multiple accounts, their opinion on threadjacking is moot.
Save
Like
  • Helpful
Reactions: 1
B
Griswold said:
Big Daddy - I guess what frustrates me is that your position is implicitly religious. For folks of a religious bent (many many of my friends) your position is logical and has integrity. For secular folks like me, I think my position is logical and has integrity. Fidelity is a negotiated state. I promise not to chase sex...in return for a promise not to chase sex. Like any contract, my duty to perform ends when the contract is incurably breached. As long as one acts in the open and without dishonesty, one is NOT lowering themselves to a level. The duty is extinguished. No one calls into question the character of someone who fails to hold up their end of a contract when the other party plainly, indisputably breaks the contract. Why is it different here?

Not saying a person's behavior after breach can't be unethical. Using someone for sex as part of your healing is fraught. Also, as many point out quite legitimately, it won't make reconciliation easier. But having looked at these stories (too many really, but that's my own mania that has to ease up :)) the fact is, a more than a tiny minority of the successful reconciliations I've read about involve some level of "revenge" or balancing sex. It's absolutely not a cure-all. But I think folks calling it out do so more out of a sense of moral outrage (founded on plainly religious principles) that any real sense of the efficacy.

And i really enjoy the discussion Big Daddy. TAM is great place for working through these things in my (our) head. I hope Daryf4 does not mind the threadjack. I think she's making all of this moot by leaving (or "rejecting" the contract). And I wish her well.
Click to expand...
Good discussion and it is okay it is okay to disagree. I don't want an echo chamber.

For the record I don't consider myself religious. Although I find a lot of the ideal Christian values very appealing I believe myself to be somewhere between agnostic to a deist. I am firmly a monogamist though, which shapes my opinion on this.

Would you be the type of person that has no issue with sex in the form of a ONS? Sex without any relationship? If that is the case then revenge "cheating", especially if you tell them what you are going to do, isn't really cheating and you aren't lowering yourself to their level.

But, were you only not seeking NSA sex because you made a vow, or do you simply not think sex is meant to be shared so freely? Do you believe that sex is meant to be shared with just one person and that it should involve a committed relationship? If you do then you would be stooping to their level by revenge cheating. You would be compromising your own beliefs and moral standards for the sake of retribution.

Now if I were in a position of having been cheated on and it was going to head to divorce I wouldn't have an issue with seeking another relationship, that would include sex. The marriage contract was broken at the moment the cheating happened. I think it would still be best to wait until the divorce is final, but that is due to various other reasons, not a moral reason.

Also, want to be clear that I am against revenge cheating for what it means in regard to your own personal moral values, not trying to be nice to the cheater in any way.
See less See more
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
*Deidre*
I don't think revenge cheating will get people past the hurt of the initial betrayal from their spouse. If it's to ''make a point'' or because you tell yourself that the ''contract is null and void at that stage,'' it still won't repair your broken heart from the initial betrayal. I'm confused by the comment that the contract becomes null and void because of one spouse's infidelity...because it's still very much in tact, legally, until you divorce.

Of all the threads I've read on here about infidelity, and of the couples I've known who've been through it, affairs don't happen over night. They begin with one lie, that snowballs into more lies...and pretty soon, the cheating spouse is unrecognizable once the affair is discovered. I highly doubt a one night stand or two...or even ten...will get you over something like that. If you're going to date someone outside of the marriage and fall in love, etc hoping for some type of level playing field...to me, it would make more sense to divorce, than stay married and hurt each other like that.
See less See more
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
Divinely Favored
Tdbo said:
This.
Plus, play this through the rest of your life.
Let's say that the two of you don't make it, and you wish to move on with another person.
Then, guess what?
You have the blemish on your resume of being a cheater.
Many people (myself included) would view that as disqualifying if looking for a future relationship with someone.
Being a sleeze should not be something to be proud of.
Click to expand...
Depends, to some of us, the marriage was over the minute the spouse cheated. Contract null and void, no coming back. I would consider it revenge, only if reconciliation is on the table. Otherwise, not a cheater, we were done.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
T
Divinely Favored said:
Depends, to some of us, the marriage was over the minute the spouse cheated. Contract null and void, no coming back. I would consider it revenge, only if reconciliation is on the table. Otherwise, not a cheater, we were done.
Click to expand...
I don't disagree with the marriage being over the minute the spouse cheated part.
As a matter of fact, I wholeheartedly agree with that.
The part that I disagree with is sacrificing any moral high ground, and using another person for "Revenge."
Why screw with another person at any level to accomplish what should be, at that juncture, pointless.
Focus the energy toward "Losing the cheater and gaining a life."
Job #1 should be legally moving to put the marriage in a permanent null and void status.
Just carve the carcass up, dispose of it properly, and move on.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
B
*Deidre* said:
I don't think revenge cheating will get people past the hurt of the initial betrayal from their spouse. If it's to ''make a point'' or because you tell yourself that the ''contract is null and void at that stage,'' it still won't repair your broken heart from the initial betrayal. I'm confused by the comment that the contract becomes null and void because of one spouse's infidelity...because it's still very much in tact, legally, until you divorce.

Of all the threads I've read on here about infidelity, and of the couples I've known who've been through it, affairs don't happen over night. They begin with one lie, that snowballs into more lies...and pretty soon, the cheating spouse is unrecognizable once the affair is discovered. I highly doubt a one night stand or two...or even ten...will get you over something like that. If you're going to date someone outside of the marriage and fall in love, etc hoping for some type of level playing field...to me, it would make more sense to divorce, than stay married and hurt each other like that.
Click to expand...
I agree with you about mending your broken heart. Nothing except time will do that and even then you will never be quite the same.

As far as the "contract" being null and void. I think some, I know I am, are using that term to describe marriage vows. The government recognized legal marriage doesn't care if you screw a different person every night while you are married, so infidelity doesn't break the legal part on the marriage, unless you live in an at fault state I suppose.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
W
Why exactly is ‘revenge cheating’ a bad thing?
Click to expand...
1. Dictionary: Cheating: An act of deception, fraud, trickery,
imposture, or imposition... deception for profit to yourself.

2. Revenge: an act or instance of retaliating in order to get even.
Save
Like
*Deidre*
BigDaddyNY said:
I agree with you about mending your broken heart. Nothing except time will do that and even then you will never be quite the same.

As far as the "contract" being null and void. I think some, I know I am, are using that term to describe marriage vows. The government recognized legal marriage doesn't care if you screw a different person every night while you are married, so infidelity doesn't break the legal part on the marriage, unless you live in an at fault state I suppose.
Click to expand...
Okay, I get what you’re saying. I can only speak for me, but revenge is not something I believe in, overall…in general. Like if someone burned my house down, I’m not going to do the same to them. First, it’s a crime but also, it wouldn’t make me feel better. What did Gandhi say? An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind? Something like that. I get that emotionally, and in the moment, the desire to hurt that person who hurt us is so great, but revenge is just not the best path and far from the only one, imo.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
N
*Deidre* said:
Okay, I get what you’re saying. I can only speak for me, but revenge is not something I believe in, overall…in general. Like if someone burned my house down, I’m not going to do the same to them. First, it’s a crime but also, it wouldn’t make me feel better. What did Gandhi say? An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind? Something like that. I get that emotionally, and in the moment, the desire to hurt that person who hurt us is so great, but revenge is just not the best path and far from the only one, imo.
Click to expand...
If you are like me and don't believe in karma then you have to take revenge into your own hands.

I didn't technically "revenge cheat" but I did run through a few of the XW's friends after the D.
Save
Like
  • Haha
  • Wow
Reactions: 2
*Deidre*
Numb26 said:
If you are like me and don't believe in karma then you have to take revenge into your own hands.

I didn't technically "revenge cheat" but I did run through a few of the XW's friends after the D.
Click to expand...
Lol oh my! I can only imagine the stories you could tell. 😆
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
*Deidre*
I won’t name the member but there is a current ongoing story in the private section of TAM, of a guy (betrayed spouse) who is divorced whose ex wife is a living nightmare, and that dude has taken the high road. Class act all the way and he proves that it’s possible to take the high road when you’ve been badly hurt and abused by a spouse.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
Southern Yankee
Do you really want to sink to his level?
Save
Like
U
Most of the time I don't think revenge cheating gets the desired effect that the BS is hoping for. I mean if a WS is cheating, how much do they really care about you. What's more, you are just giving them an excuse to say, hey look we are even now. But you aren't even, they did it out of fun and excitement, you did it out of anger and sadness. Not to mention if you are revenging a LT affair with a ONS.

That said, I don't really think it's wrong to revenge cheat after the initial cheating because like another poster said, the marriage contract is void at that point. I just think most of the time it's effect is minimal and divorce is really the only true way to move forward.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
Divinely Favored
Tdbo said:
I don't disagree with the marriage being over the minute the spouse cheated part.
As a matter of fact, I wholeheartedly agree with that.
The part that I disagree with is sacrificing any moral high ground, and using another person for "Revenge."
Why screw with another person at any level to accomplish what should be, at that juncture, pointless.
Focus the energy toward "Losing the cheater and gaining a life."
Job #1 should be legally moving to put the marriage in a permanent null and void status.
Just carve the carcass up, dispose of it properly, and move on.
Click to expand...
If marriage is over, there is no revenge. It is just paperwork.
Save
Like
121 - 140 of 169 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Coping with Infidelity General Relationship Discussion Sex in Marriage Going Through Divorce or Separation The Men's Clubhouse
Top