Why exactly is ‘revenge cheating’ a bad thing?

12259 Views 168 Replies 69 Participants Last post by MattMatt, 16 d ago

Daryf4

Discussion Starter · 5 mo ago

long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking of a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?

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DownByTheRiver

· #2 · 5 mo ago

Daryf4 said:
long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking or a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?

I sympathize with the sentiment, but I just think it's going to be more destructive and you're married. And especially since you think you could move forward. Trust me he won't be able to get over that so probably that would be the end. But then just him cheating might ought to be the end because I don't see how you're going to be able to trust anymore.

If you want to try to preserve your marriage and work on it and he's willing to work on it maybe with a marriage counselor, don't do it. If you are done with your marriage I would just advise try to be the classy one and file papers before you do it at least. Don't do something that you yourself don't approve of!

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RebuildingMe

· #3 · 5 mo ago

It’s not. I took the high road and just divorced. However, if I had it to do over again, I would have had a revenge encounter, then left.

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Personal

· #4 · 5 mo ago

Some will tell you it is a bad thing, and some will tell you it isn’t.

I say if you want to do exactly that, then go for it (I hope it’s fun for you).

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Megaforce

· #5 · 5 mo ago

I agree the contract was unilaterally broken. It no longer exists and you have no obligation to abide by it. In many ways, it is less damaging to your cheating husband. He will know that it was done out of revenge and thus will not neccesarily feel,it was caused by some deficiency or you lack of attraction for him. The BS, OTOH, often struggles questioning their worth and attractiveness.
Plus, you are not damaging a previously intact, untainted marriage as he did. You current marriage has already been made a sham.
If a cheater truly cared about his betrayed spouse, he would want your life to contain an equal amount of pleasure and excitement as his own. As it stands now, he has had this wonderful, exciting exp with a fresh lover, whereas you are relegated to just your experience with him( and, he probably is not Brad Pitt etc).
Finally, you are traumatized, undoubtedly questioning your worth and attractiveness, at least to him. Maybe you would be bolstered a bit by seeing that other men find you desirable. He got big ego strokes from cheating, not to mention a heck of a lot of physical pleasure. Why should you be shortchanged in that regard?

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Deidre

· #6 · 5 mo ago

I believe when you’re with the right person in a healthy marriage, you bring out the best in each other. If your husband cheated and you seek to cheat now to hurt him in return, it sounds like you’re just not healthy for each other.

If you’re not interested in reconciling, that’s totally understandable, but seeking revenge in hopes this hurts your husband won’t repair your marriage. And it doesn’t make sense why you’d both remain married if all you want to do is hurt each other.

Revenge sounds good in theory lol when you’re angry and emotions are all over the place, but it won’t erase his initial betrayal and your pain. Just my opinion.

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Bullfrog1987

· #7 · 5 mo ago

*Deidre* said:
I believe when you’re with the right person in a healthy marriage, you bring out the best in each other. If your husband cheated and you seek to cheat now to hurt him in return, it sounds like you’re just not healthy for each other.

If you’re not interested in reconciling, that’s totally understandable, but seeking revenge in hopes this hurts your husband won’t repair your marriage. And it doesn’t make sense why you’d both remain married if all you want to do is hurt each other.

Revenge sounds good in theory lol when you’re angry and emotions are all over the place, but it won’t erase his initial betrayal and your pain. Just my opinion.

I agree, it’s hardly a healthy or mature way to see things.

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Teacherwifemom

· #8 · 5 mo ago (Edited)

How ‘bout this: Two wrongs don’t make a right. If you think doing this will erase his betrayal you aren’t looking at this with any level of maturity. Whatever you do will always be part of “your past.” Be better than him. And once this marriage crashes and burns you would be morally obligated to share this info with the next person who enters into a commitment with you. If you don’t, you’re a liar. If you do, you’ll be judged as a cheater, because it’s the truth. You can’t control what he did, but you can control what you do, and who you are. Self respect is really important. Be the best you can be. Once you do this, you’re no better then him. I’m not thinking there’s too many people married for decades whose story starts with, we both cheated. Not everyone should get married. PS I’m sorry he did that to you.

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Megaforce

· #9 · 5 mo ago

Bulfrog1987 said:
I agree, it’s hardly a healthy or mature way to see things.

I recall reading that it did, in fact, help a few posters get past it and they felt better about themselves. I never tried it. I was too traumatized to have any interest, and, most likely, capability. I just wanted out and away.
But, if a cheater really has a sense of fair play( and most do not, obviously), how could he or she possibly object without being hypocritical?

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Bullfrog1987

· #10 · 5 mo ago

Megaforce said:
I recall reading that it did, in fact, help a few posters get past it and they felt better about themselves. I never tried it. I was too traumatized to have any interest, and, most likely, capability. I just wanted out and away.
But, if a cheater really has a sense of fair play( and most do not, obviously), how could he or she possibly object without being hypocritical?

i don’t think inevitably the party wronged should be taking into account the cheater, only themselves and how this will really make me feel, I don’t care how the cheater feels. What if it in-fact doesn’t help? And as another poster said with a want to reconcile how is doing such a thing healthy? Should both parties just separate.

If we are immature enough to get back by revenge cheating whats to say the cycle should stop with the one time each? Sounds really ridiculous to Myself but?

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ConanHub

· #11 · 5 mo ago

Daryf4 said:
long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking of a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?

It's like shooting someone twice instead of once.

More likely to kill the marriage.

I use to almost see revenge cheating as an option a long time ago.

One major sticking point for me though, is that I don't want to have sex with someone for that reason.

It's ugly. If I have sex with someone, it has to be for much better reasons including higher emotions like love and affection instead of anger and pain.

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Megaforce

· #12 · 5 mo ago

Bulfrog1987 said:
i don’t think inevitably the party wrong should be taking into account the cheater. What if it in-fact doesn’t help? And as another poster said with a want to reconcile how is doing such a thing healthy? Should both parties just separate.

If we immature enough To get back by revenge cheating whats to say the cycle should stop with the one time each? Sounds really ridiculous to Myself but?

Right, it was not for me. But cheating does create an imbalance in the marriage that causes resentment in many cases.
This is why, vs revenge cheating, I advocate that the cheater make some form of restitution. Judaism is big on restitution as it helps dissipate resentment and, also helps alleviate guilt.
I think the betrayed is entitled to repayment and it can take the form of something of value that is also moral.
I have suggested the following manner of quantifying the amount of restitution : Take the exact number of cheating encounters and multiply it by the cost of a high end escort and come up with a dollar figure. Then, compute the other monetary costs of the affair like the cost of counseling for the betrayed, medication costs, the value of the babysitting of the kids done while the cheater was out playing, the cost of STD testing, the private investigator costs, etc ( the list is probably pretty long.
You arrive at a dollar figure. Then factor in the cost of future periodic polygraph testing , STD testing at intervals going forward.
Then the cheater is required to lose at least 20% of his or her bodyweight in about 2 months and get by on 3 hours max sleep,for a couple years. This comes in handy as the cheater has to take on the task of earning all the money to pay back the value computedcabove, so sleeping less means a second job can be had.
The money paid back can only be used by the betrayed and the kids. Maybe a vacation or three with the cheater staying home. Maybe Harleys for all except the cheater. Maybe the betrayed gets several hundred rounds of golf at Pebble Beach or the equivalent.
Once restitution has been made to pay for these morally acceptable things, all is square. The betrayed and kids lose their resentment. The cheater has alleviated his or her guilt by repaying what is owed.
Then, it is one big, happy family.

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karmagoround

· #13 · 5 mo ago

Daryf4 said:
long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking of a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?

Because of you are there, then it's time to go because you are wasting your time. Precious time... You might not feel it now, but you don't have years to waste on games. But if your goal is purgatory on Earth, then proceed with the ridiculous.

BRL

· #14 · 5 mo ago

You would willingly treat yourself as trash and submit your body to whomever for the sake of revenge?

Come on now, be better than that. Be MUCH better than that.

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Bullfrog1987

· #15 · 5 mo ago

Megaforce said:
Right, it was not for me. But cheating does create an imbalance in the marriage that causes resentment in many cases.
This is why, vs revenge cheating, I advocate that the cheater make some form of restitution. Judaism is big on restitution as it helps dissipate resentment and, also helps alleviate guilt.
I think the betrayed is entitled to repayment and it can take the form of something of value that is also moral.
I have suggested the following manner of quantifying the amount of restitution : Take the exact number of cheating encounters and multiply it by the cost of a high end escort and come up with a dollar figure. Then, compute the other monetary costs of the affair like the cost of counseling for the betrayed, medication costs, the value of the babysitting of the kids done while the cheater was out playing, the cost of STD testing, the private investigator costs, etc ( the list is probably pretty long.
You arrive at a dollar figure. Then factor in the cost of future periodic polygraph testing , STD testing at intervals going forward.
Then the cheater is required to lose at least 20% of his or her bodyweight in about 2 months and get by on 3 hours max sleep,for a couple years. This comes in handy as the cheater has to take on the task of earning all the money to pay back the value computedcabove, so sleeping less means a second job can be had.
The money paid back can only be used by the betrayed and the kids. Maybe a vacation or three with the cheater staying home. Maybe Harleys for all except the cheater. Maybe the betrayed gets several hundred rounds of golf at Pebble Beach or the equivalent.
Once restitution has been made to pay for these morally acceptable things, all is square. The betrayed and kids lose their resentment. The cheater has alleviated his or her guilt by repaying what is owed.
Then, it is one big, happy family.

This isn’t all that crazy 😆

Reactions: 1

Megaforce

· #16 · 5 mo ago

karmagoround said:
Because of you are there, then it's time to go because you are wasting your time. Precious time... You might not feel it now, but you don't have years to waste on games. But if your goal is purgatory on Earth, then proceed with the ridiculous.

It could be done relatively quickly. So, not too much time invested.

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Megaforce

· #17 · 5 mo ago

Bulfrog1987 said:
This isn’t all that crazy 😆

Kind of a fantasy for me. Got me kicked off SI for posting something similar. Not much of a sense of humor over there. This place is a lot more tolerant.

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gameopoly5

· #18 · 5 mo ago

Daryf4 said:
long story short my husband and I have been married a few years and I found out that he cheated on me when he went away with some friends. When he told me my first thought was ok I am going to go have sex with someone else. I don’t know if I would follow through on this but I am having a hard time thinking of a reason that I shouldn’t. I have read about it a little and it seems to be frowned upon and I don’t really understand why? The vows are broken and one partner has already done it. I genuinely feel that we can begin to move on if I do this and it seems like it would make me feel better. How could it possibly damage the marriage more? He really really doesn’t want me to but I really didn’t want him to either. Has anyone done this and why is it a bad idea?

Your husband has cheated meaning he has slept with another woman or women and now you`re considering sleeping with another man or men, so what you are really creating is an open marriage.
I have to wonder if you`ve already cheated or have an AP in mind.
So why bother staying together if wanting to sleep with other people?
Two wrongs don`t make a right and If you feel like this and cannot move passed that your husband has cheated, then divorce because this will never work.
I sincerely hope you and your husband don`t have children together because it appears you`re both immature and would not make fit parents.

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ShatteredKat

· #19 · 5 mo ago

You would be using another person for self interest -- there are guys who would be quite willing though
You subject yourself to STD exposure - some critters people carry around without symptoms
and some take a lot of time to show an effect.
Consider what friends and family will think of your lack of good integrity and character -
Consider whether you really want your husband now that the chrome is rusting off?
Consider that if you Really love someone - you will never do anything ON PURPOSE to cause them grief
Consider the paramour you end up with decides to post your phone number on bathroom stalls and other 'public' places as well as share the escapade with whomever -

Seems if you are serious about pursing revenge cheating - you have a low opinion of yourself or you are delusional about who you are inside.

IF the urge is still strong after dutiful consideration - then start the divorce and move to separate residences.

If you're into social media (that is close to an oxymoron in my assessment) then you can post your paramour for all to see "that you are moving on" and - if your soon-to-be-ex is still "in love" with you - that posting will give him the pain you seek to inflict as revenge.

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Daryf4

Discussion Starter · #20 · 5 mo ago

Ideally I would want us to stay together, I do think we love each other. I don’t know if that will be what happens. This is still very fresh but I think about times when I was tempted and shut anything inappropriate down. Now I feel stupid for doing so. Hurting him is definitely a part of it but another part of it is evening the score so to speak so we can both move on. I have no idea if I would actually do this (probably not) but I wanted some unbiased opinion.

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