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Why does my wife think she can "do her thing" instead of getting a job??

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12K views 124 replies 27 participants last post by  DTO 
#1 ·
Can someone help me understand why my wife thinks she can stay home and keep risking money on “ventures?”

Our two kids are 10 And 12. Early in our marriage we both worked full time jobs, then she stayed at home the last 5-6 years after getting laid off from her 6 figure job. Instead of getting another job, she wanted to start some home based business, but it didn’t work out and before she stopped that failure, she started a podcast! Neither one has made a dime. In fact, she lost at least $50K in the first venture and refuses to shut it down, claiming it is about to become profitable. I want her to stop the craziness and go get a real job!!

Her argument is that she has been paying “her” bills just like she did when she had a job prior to staying home. All she pays is the utilities, food, and when we eat out, claiming she pays $20-30K of the bills. No way does she pay that much! I pay the major bills like insurance and taxes and she should foot at least half the bills, especially if she thinks she has the right to sit home and gamble on some venture that has been losing money for years. Our house is paid off so there is no mortgage and I still make 6 figures, otherwise I’d be going berserk!

Her complaint is that she should be able to do what she wants with “her” money since she made the money prior to us getting married (she was 40 when we had our 2nd child). Even though she had the money prior to marriage, she doesn’t have the right to lose it … we have kids to raise and put through college.

Why can’t she see how wrong she is!! Can anyone help me understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman??
 
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#2 ·
Sorry, I cannot help you understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman. Since you are posting here, all I can do is offer you my perspective.

Okay, so you claim she pays for utilities and food. Neither of these budget items are cheap. Still, even with that, I'm going to assume you also pay a mortgage. I think the issue you are grappling with is her stance that the funds she had prior to marriage are hers to fritter away as she so desires. Actually, she does have that right. The problem that enters this equation is whether or not she is also dipping into your funds to finance her business ventures.

I will say this: People who have been married before and enter another marriage with significant assets have a right to protect their assets. Granted, that is merely my opinion. I will also offer another idea I have on this: Money arguments are often not about money, per se. They are more about power and control. After all, money plays a large role in our society because it is often equated with said power and control.

Have the two of you sat down and had a calm discussion about finances? Is that even possible? I'd suggest that rather than trying to understand HER mind, you work at understanding YOUR stance on the issues at hand. After all, you are posting here, not her. What say you?
 
#4 ·
Sorry, I cannot help you understand the mind of a self-absorbed woman. Since you are posting here, all I can do is offer you my perspective.

Okay, so you claim she pays for utilities and food. Neither of these budget items are cheap. Still, even with that, I'm going to assume you also pay a mortgage. I think the issue you are grappling with is her stance that the funds she had prior to marriage are hers to fritter away as she so desires. Actually, she does have that right. The problem that enters this equation is whether or not she is also dipping into your funds to finance her business ventures.

I will say this: People who have been married before and enter another marriage with significant assets have a right to protect their assets. Granted, that is merely my opinion. I will also offer another idea I have on this: Money arguments are often not about money, per se. They are more about power and control. After all, money plays a large role in our society because it is often equated with said power and control.

Have the two of you sat down and had a calm discussion about finances? Is that even possible? I'd suggest that rather than trying to understand HER mind, you work at understanding YOUR stance on the issues at hand. After all, you are posting here, not her. What say you?
I bought the house for cash so no mortgage. She "upgraded it," spending only about $30K. Some how she's entitled to do what she wants.

Thanks for the advice, maybe we can have a sit down but we've been married 12 years and no assets have been combined. Hers are hers and mine are mine. Didn't really think about creating a "joint" since we are both independent minded.
 
#5 ·
Well, in some ways we have it good. We have 2 great kids. Our house is paid off (thanks to me). I have a 6 figure job. But we are not connected as a couple so I'm not sure if the marriage is otherwise satisfying. She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.
 
#7 ·
So for her venture that is losing money -- have you sat with her to have her explain the books to you?
IS the gross starting to creep up to maybe FINALLY surpass the costs? Have HER show you where/when she expects it to start turning profit. Tell her you are interested in the business (and you should be since SHE is involved in it).
Maybe she IS just about to start turning a profit.

As for the other stuff -- do you have a running track record of all expenses for your family for at least 6 months? THEN you can sit and discuss the costs, etc. that you both are paying for, and if you think it is too heavily on your side, then TALK to her about it.
 
#21 ·
OK, I should have mentioned what she's doing. Daytrading stocks, options & futures. I don't event think that is a business but that is what she calls it. I call it gambling and nobody ever makes any money at it. She thinks she can make more than I do! I've told her if she hasn't figured it out after 6 years, she never will. She said it is more like 3 years, since she spent a lot of time of her other wasted "venture," her podcast. 3 years, 6 years, quit wasting time and money!
 
#8 ·
I don't know how to have separate accounts with my husband. We share everything, and I think this has helped us having the same financial goals. We watch our money because it's both our money in one account.

My kids are the same age as yours. I stopped working full time about 12 years ago, when we decided I would stay home with our kids. Now I work part time, hours here and there. I am an independent contractor, so I guess I have my own business too, but I don't do any home based sales or ventures. I do jobs for companies and they pay me for my services.

I have a friend who's into selling stuff. She's sold pampered chef, lululemon, thirty one, nail stuff, etc. I don't think she has made her investment money back, but she keeps on investing in new "business ventures."
I remember women investing a lot of money on lululemon leggings. They were the hottest thing 10 years ago. Now you can find them at the thrift store, piles of their products, brand new with tags on. I feel sorry for whoever had to get rid of their inventory. I'm sure they lost a lot of money.

I really hate selling those products, I think they are a scam, and they prey on SAHM like me!

What about your wife finding a regular part time job and also keeping her business on the side? What kind of venture is she doing?
 
#23 ·
I don't know how to have separate accounts with my husband. We share everything, and I think this has helped us having the same financial goals. We watch our money because it's both our money in one account.

My kids are the same age as yours. I stopped working full time about 12 years ago, when we decided I would stay home with our kids. Now I work part time, hours here and there. I am an independent contractor, so I guess I have my own business too, but I don't do any home based sales or ventures. I do jobs for companies and they pay me for my services.

I have a friend who's into selling stuff. She's sold pampered chef, lululemon, thirty one, nail stuff, etc. I don't think she has made her investment money back, but she keeps on investing in new "business ventures."
I remember women investing a lot of money on lululemon leggings. They were the hottest thing 10 years ago. Now you can find them at the thrift store, piles of their products, brand new with tags on. I feel sorry for whoever had to get rid of their inventory. I'm sure they lost a lot of money.

I really hate selling those products, I think they are a scam, and they prey on SAHM like me!

What about your wife finding a regular part time job and also keeping her business on the side? What kind of venture is she doing?
Getting married late in life has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages is "mine" and "yours" plus being very independent. I suppose it never occurred to us to create a combined account where all income is deposited and all bills paid out of. We probably would have done that had we married in our 20's but I was 50 and she was near 40.

Yeah, as much as those avon, lulumon, chef and other MLM type of businesses are a sham, at least it is obvious when they are not working. Piles of inventory say, "quit!"

I'm on her case big time to get a FULL time job. I should have mentioned, her "business" is day-trading stocks, options & futures. She calls it a "business," I call it GAMBLING and she is ADDICTED!!
 
#9 ·
Why wouldn’t your wife continue to think that? It’s worked so far. You obviously can’t force her to work at a real job if she doesn’t want to. There have been men over the years who have shown up here with a similar problem. None of them ever came back to say they were happy to report that the problem was solved. My guess was that it wasn‘t. I’m afraid yours may not be either — at least not without her feelings getting seriously ruffled. Are you prepared to do that?
 
#11 ·
It's not a pleasant thought, but if you divorced her she'd probably have to get a job and support herself and the kids to a substantial extent. You can't force her to work, but similarly she cannot force you to stay married and provide a free ride to her. Also, keeping her in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed is a myth unless perhaps you are super-wealthy. There is a fixed amount of money that now would have to fund two households. If you really are pulling everyone's weight, and she's throwing away money on her ventures while you're supporting her, is there a possibility that you'll be better off alone financially.

I know I was far better off alone in a financial sense. Maybe do some planning to see where you stand, at least that way you'll have a full understanding of your situation before you act.
 
#10 ·
I see there may be a problem with an unequal divide of the effort in the household. The OP has applied his income to pay off debt, while his wife has refused to get back into the workforce (or to upgrade her skills so that she can get another job, if she's uncompetitive right now). I'm not sure why the OP isn't getting more support here. If we were reading about a guy who chilled around the house all day and dabbled in this and that, while his wife busted her tail, we'd be all over him for not stepping up. Not sure why it's different here.

I had a similar issue when married. I was fortunate enough to make pretty good money back then and know how to manage it well. I made about 2.5x what my ex did and worked harder than she did as well. Her attitude was "my money my choices" and implied it's up to the guy to support his wife and family. It was infuriating to see that she lived better than me because we both couldn't live her lifestyle (lots of clothes, lunches out with friends) and still pay the bills. I reasonably expected her to work as hard as I did and be a true partner.

Baffled, your post sounds like the frustration I felt, so I sympathize. But people's attitudes are what they are. If your wife is fine with you working hard while she starts to wind down her career / productivity, you'll have to accept that this is the way it will be, or move on; the likelihood of her changing her behavior after years of not having to grind at work is low.

Your situation is not unique. I can think of two couples - both friends of mine - off the top of my head with this dynamic. The ladies feel it's the guy's job to bring home the bacon and if she's got a soft life, then that's just the natural order of things. And we're not talking about little kids in the picture: one has one child and the other have two children, all college-aged. The ladies still feel "I did my job running the household - he can support us for the next 20 years". I wouldn't put up with it, but that doesn't make that attitude any less real.

You're probably headed for some difficult choices ahead. Good luck.
 
#27 ·
Thanks for your reply, I'm glad somebody on this post sees MY side of the story that she is lazy and needs to step up and support the family instead of wasting more time on stupid ventures (her podcast and worse, day-trading!).
You make a good point and I've already decided NOT to accept the way it is but to MOVE ON if she doesn't get a real job. I told her to get a FULL TIME job or get out of the house! She is already banished to the basement to sleep (her office is down there too). If it were not for our children, she would already be GONE!
In my case she doesn't even do all the household. Yeah, she does dishes, breakfast, sometimes lunch, vacuums, cleans, laundry and a few other things but I do most all the time consuming things like cooking dinner, helping both kids with their homework and piano PLUS hold down a demanding job!
 
#14 ·
It always amazes me when I hear people say that being a stay at home parent is 'chilling round the house all day', or that it's only the one who works outside the house who is working.
Whether the work we do is paid or not makes no difference. If one parent is the one who works at running the home, caring for children with all that entails then they are definitely working.
I also never get this 'yours and mine' thing. In marriage I see everything as joint, joint income, joint bills, joint bank account, joint home etc.
If you earn a 6 figure income and the house is paid off it's not as if you even need more money. It's also really nice for children to have a parent at home, especially for the long school holidays or when they are sick.
You make your marriage sound like a competition rather than a loving commitment where the two people are a team.
 
#29 ·
It always amazes me when I hear people say that being a stay at home parent is 'chilling round the house all day', or that it's only the one who works outside the house who is working.
Whether the work we do is paid or not makes no difference. If one parent is the one who works at running the home, caring for children with all that entails then they are definitely working.
I also never get this 'yours and mine' thing. In marriage I see everything as joint, joint income, joint bills, joint bank account, joint home etc.
If you earn a 6 figure income and the house is paid off it's not as if you even need more money. It's also really nice for children to have a parent at home, especially for the long school holidays or when they are sick.
You make your marriage sound like a competition rather than a loving commitment where the two people are a team.
I agree with you that stay home parenting IS hard work in the early years but our kids are 10 & 12. They are at school most of the day so she can get a FULL time job like I have. The kids don't need a baby sitter or anything if they happen to be home for 2-3 hours by themselves after school. Besides, since Covid I can work from home and don't expect I'll ever have to go back into the office so the kids will never be home alone.

Yes, we DO need the money. It all affects the bottom line. We have to think about funding college and retirement. Having the mortgage paid off, there are still lots of bills like insurance, taxes, maintenance, and kids fees for activities like soccer, piano, tennis and such.

I'd like our marriage to be a team but with her LOSING money and not stepping up to contribute financially, I'm not going to let her take advantage of me!
 
#16 ·
Unless you are suffering financially, I don't see the problem. I pay for almost everything, because I make 3 times what my wife makes. Your wife pays for some bills and she looks after the kids and the house. Yes, she has assets, but it's her money. I think, OP, you have a strange concept of "marriage". If you don't like it, maybe marriage is not for you.
 
#31 ·
She'd have a better chance at making money by joining the NBA than she would with a podcast. What's her podcast about? How to day trade successfully? If so, she's like many other podcasters who preach about how to do things that they, themselves, are not able to do.
 
#72 ·
I agree. Podcasts are a dime-a-dozen these days. No, her podcast is about having kids late in life. She'd probably have better luck podcasting about trading! (if she knew how to trade successfully). But hey, like you said, she doesn't need to be successful, just tell others what to do. ha ha
 
#32 ·
Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.

money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.

beyond that you don’t get to dictate her money and job. Just as she doesn’t get to dictate your money and job. Sounds like chores are split about 50/50 with her doing housework breakfast and lunch and you doing homework and dinner.

You never answered if both your names are on the deed. I’m guessing no it’s just yours. So it was nice of you to buy the house but it’s an appreciable asset so no real skin off your nose.

not sure how the courts will view this so she might be entitled to half upon divorce if you two don’t have a prenup.

so your wive living in the basement because you decided that’s where she gets to live. What does she say? I mean I’d be divorcing you. You seem controlling, unfeeling and obsessed with money that you don’t share. I’m sure you are a peach in bed too where you tell her how she isn’t doing things right.

she going to get a job or divorce you? Are you two going to find a way to determine terms amicably or get lawyers? Ohhh I hope lawyers. I mean you don’t sound like the amicable type.

BTW. I hope you want a divorce because studies around TAM show that men that use that threat to get their own way generally find themselves divorced within about 5 years or in a really miserable marriage because it shuts down all good feelings from the wife. The wife who might soldier on for a few years for the kids to be older or for her to get in a better position but dead marriage. Have you made the classic mistake of using this threat more than once?

mid suggest you consult an attorney to see what the divorce will look like if not done amicably. I think you will find you have some powerful incentives to make it amicable.
 
#38 ·
Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.

money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.

beyond that you don’t get to dictate her money and job. Just as she doesn’t get to dictate your money and job. Sounds like chores are split about 50/50 with her doing housework breakfast and lunch and you doing homework and dinner.

You never answered if both your names are on the deed. I’m guessing no it’s just yours. So it was nice of you to buy the house but it’s an appreciable asset so no real skin off your nose.

not sure how the courts will view this so she might be entitled to half upon divorce if you two don’t have a prenup.

so your wive living in the basement because you decided that’s where she gets to live. What does she say? I mean I’d be divorcing you. You seem controlling, unfeeling and obsessed with money that you don’t share. I’m sure you are a peach in bed too where you tell her how she isn’t doing things right.

she going to get a job or divorce you? Are you two going to find a way to determine terms amicably or get lawyers? Ohhh I hope lawyers. I mean you don’t sound like the amicable type.

BTW. I hope you want a divorce because studies around TAM show that men that use that threat to get their own way generally find themselves divorced within about 5 years or in a really miserable marriage because it shuts down all good feelings from the wife. The wife who might soldier on for a few years for the kids to be older or for her to get in a better position but dead marriage. Have you made the classic mistake of using this threat more than once?

mid suggest you consult an attorney to see what the divorce will look like if not done amicably. I think you will find you have some powerful incentives to make it amicable.
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#39 ·
Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.

At this point, if she does get a full-time job it won't be long before she'll be hiring an attorney.
 
#46 ·
So many men complain about having to pay spousal support in the event of divorce when there's been a stay at home wife for a long time, long past little kids at home age situation. The comments given are, well you decided to stay with a woman who refused to get a job and contribute financially to the marriage so that's what you get.

Here we have a poster who is being proactive, he doesn't want to be in that situation, a situation with a wife who refuses to get a full time job and contribute to the marriage financially, and he is getting slammed for his position.

WTF.
 
#64 ·
I would set up some way to ensure she pays half of everything and then keep your earnings completely separate. But yeah, if she ends up in bankruptcy, being married, it will affect you. Maybe to do it separate and keep it simple, you say she pays everything every other month, from dining out to food and toilet paper to utilities and then you do the same next month.
 
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#71 ·
Okay, I can understand that you want her to get off her ass and go to work now that the kids are older. But consider this: You are threatening her with divorce unless she gets a full-time job. Threats in marriage don't bode well for working out problems as a team. And when I say that, I mean threatening divorce over anything is tossing down the gauntlet. She may just call your bluff and tell you to get a divorce

With that in mind, another thing to consider: You've got what the courts consider a marriage of longevity; in other words, more than 10 years. If you think you're ticked off now that she isn't working, imagine how you'll feel when you're dishing out lots of child support every month in addition to giving her half the assets you accrued over the course of the marriage. It's a reality you should consider before you start tossing around divorce threats.

Will you end up screwed, financially-speaking if you divorce? Possibly. Which is why lawyers are a necessary evil. Seriously.
 
#80 ·
Will you end up screwed, financially-speaking if you divorce? Possibly. Which is why lawyers are a necessary evil. Seriously.
I really think you should divorce. You don't treat her in a loving way.

I'm sure your wife is not dumb. If she used to make 6 figures I'm sure she can make money again. Maybe she needs to be on her own to make money again.

Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.
 
#83 ·
I do all the REAL cooking and the BANISHMENT!

So have you divorced her yet and when will you do this? Given you’re so proactive, know how things should be done, and are a take charge-I-know-it-all person.

Have you divorced her yet?
No. If i divorced her, she would not be here. If she gets a job, a real job, we'll see where it goes.
 
#87 ·
I think she should cut it off. She will more than likely get primary custody and very possibly the house until the children are adults and child support and possibly maintenance too.

She would have the added bonus of not being told she isn't doing anything correctly, she wouldn't be banished to the basement and her expenses probably wouldn't change that much from what she is covering now.

I'm sure you can go right out and find a suitable woman who would be really happy to do things "correctly" to avoid basement banishment.

I mean you are just hitting your prime and all.😉
 
#90 ·
Well, she birthed and nursed you two kids- how much is that worth? $1B each?

Try to be kind to her, brother, and try to be thankful for how well you're doing financially. Nitpicking is HARD on women. When you get that little itch to criticize- remind yourself what a tough/mean bastard you are and what a sweet dreamer she is, smile and mentally move on!
 
#91 ·
Nitpicking?

He wants a life partner who is contributing financially--- earning money at a job--- since the kids are 10 and 12 and not little anymore, AND he does more than his fair share of household stuff and child activities.

I don't know why people are shaming that.

If the sexes were reversed, everyone would be saying what a loser the spouse was.

The women I know in real life would be ashamed to not be contributing. Ashamed.

pfffft just because you had two children (over a decade ago) does not give you a free pass to never work a full time job ever again.
 
#93 ·
Although I can see OP's point of view, he comes across as a jerk toward his wife. Marriage should be the union of two to become a team. In my household, although I've been traditionally (as a male) the breadwinner, whatever my wife has made is welcome, and I never had considered my earning mine, nor her earnings hers. It has always been the household money. Respect goes a long way.
 
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