Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 125 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #21 ·
So for her venture that is losing money -- have you sat with her to have her explain the books to you?
IS the gross starting to creep up to maybe FINALLY surpass the costs? Have HER show you where/when she expects it to start turning profit. Tell her you are interested in the business (and you should be since SHE is involved in it).
Maybe she IS just about to start turning a profit.

As for the other stuff -- do you have a running track record of all expenses for your family for at least 6 months? THEN you can sit and discuss the costs, etc. that you both are paying for, and if you think it is too heavily on your side, then TALK to her about it.
OK, I should have mentioned what she's doing. Daytrading stocks, options & futures. I don't event think that is a business but that is what she calls it. I call it gambling and nobody ever makes any money at it. She thinks she can make more than I do! I've told her if she hasn't figured it out after 6 years, she never will. She said it is more like 3 years, since she spent a lot of time of her other wasted "venture," her podcast. 3 years, 6 years, quit wasting time and money!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #22 ·
There you go. I'm going to have to side with your Mrs. on this one but you can't be this unaware of self?
Um, side with the Mrs? So she can keep doing what she's doing? Sorry, I'm not following about being unaware of self. What am I not aware of?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #23 ·
I don't know how to have separate accounts with my husband. We share everything, and I think this has helped us having the same financial goals. We watch our money because it's both our money in one account.

My kids are the same age as yours. I stopped working full time about 12 years ago, when we decided I would stay home with our kids. Now I work part time, hours here and there. I am an independent contractor, so I guess I have my own business too, but I don't do any home based sales or ventures. I do jobs for companies and they pay me for my services.

I have a friend who's into selling stuff. She's sold pampered chef, lululemon, thirty one, nail stuff, etc. I don't think she has made her investment money back, but she keeps on investing in new "business ventures."
I remember women investing a lot of money on lululemon leggings. They were the hottest thing 10 years ago. Now you can find them at the thrift store, piles of their products, brand new with tags on. I feel sorry for whoever had to get rid of their inventory. I'm sure they lost a lot of money.

I really hate selling those products, I think they are a scam, and they prey on SAHM like me!

What about your wife finding a regular part time job and also keeping her business on the side? What kind of venture is she doing?
Getting married late in life has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages is "mine" and "yours" plus being very independent. I suppose it never occurred to us to create a combined account where all income is deposited and all bills paid out of. We probably would have done that had we married in our 20's but I was 50 and she was near 40.

Yeah, as much as those avon, lulumon, chef and other MLM type of businesses are a sham, at least it is obvious when they are not working. Piles of inventory say, "quit!"

I'm on her case big time to get a FULL time job. I should have mentioned, her "business" is day-trading stocks, options & futures. She calls it a "business," I call it GAMBLING and she is ADDICTED!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #25 ·
Why wouldn’t your wife continue to think that? It’s worked so far. You obviously can’t force her to work at a real job if she doesn’t want to. There have been men over the years who have shown up here with a similar problem. None of them ever came back to say they were happy to report that the problem was solved. My guess was that it wasn‘t. I’m afraid yours may not be either — at least not without her feelings getting seriously ruffled. Are you prepared to do that?
That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,823 Posts
That's right. For the past 6 years it has worked GREAT for her. She does whatever she wants with her "business" (day-trading & podcast), not making a DIME while I do all the work to ACTUALLY make money to support our family. I disagree about forcing her to work. i AM forcing her to work since I told her to get a FULL TIME job or I'll divorce her. So yeah, I don't care about her feelings any more. She doesn't care in about me or the family or she'd have a JOB! So I don't care about her anymore until she can pull her weight.
Wow. You seem like a very angry person who thinks that threats are ok. Who does most of the work at home? Shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare? Who will be there for them when they are ill or on school holidays?
We didn't marry till we were age 49 and 50. We still share everything and it's all 'ours'. I see little point in getting married if you are going to live like house mates. You earn lots of money. Think of your children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
I see there may be a problem with an unequal divide of the effort in the household. The OP has applied his income to pay off debt, while his wife has refused to get back into the workforce (or to upgrade her skills so that she can get another job, if she's uncompetitive right now). I'm not sure why the OP isn't getting more support here. If we were reading about a guy who chilled around the house all day and dabbled in this and that, while his wife busted her tail, we'd be all over him for not stepping up. Not sure why it's different here.

I had a similar issue when married. I was fortunate enough to make pretty good money back then and know how to manage it well. I made about 2.5x what my ex did and worked harder than she did as well. Her attitude was "my money my choices" and implied it's up to the guy to support his wife and family. It was infuriating to see that she lived better than me because we both couldn't live her lifestyle (lots of clothes, lunches out with friends) and still pay the bills. I reasonably expected her to work as hard as I did and be a true partner.

Baffled, your post sounds like the frustration I felt, so I sympathize. But people's attitudes are what they are. If your wife is fine with you working hard while she starts to wind down her career / productivity, you'll have to accept that this is the way it will be, or move on; the likelihood of her changing her behavior after years of not having to grind at work is low.

Your situation is not unique. I can think of two couples - both friends of mine - off the top of my head with this dynamic. The ladies feel it's the guy's job to bring home the bacon and if she's got a soft life, then that's just the natural order of things. And we're not talking about little kids in the picture: one has one child and the other have two children, all college-aged. The ladies still feel "I did my job running the household - he can support us for the next 20 years". I wouldn't put up with it, but that doesn't make that attitude any less real.

You're probably headed for some difficult choices ahead. Good luck.
Thanks for your reply, I'm glad somebody on this post sees MY side of the story that she is lazy and needs to step up and support the family instead of wasting more time on stupid ventures (her podcast and worse, day-trading!).
You make a good point and I've already decided NOT to accept the way it is but to MOVE ON if she doesn't get a real job. I told her to get a FULL TIME job or get out of the house! She is already banished to the basement to sleep (her office is down there too). If it were not for our children, she would already be GONE!
In my case she doesn't even do all the household. Yeah, she does dishes, breakfast, sometimes lunch, vacuums, cleans, laundry and a few other things but I do most all the time consuming things like cooking dinner, helping both kids with their homework and piano PLUS hold down a demanding job!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
It always amazes me when I hear people say that being a stay at home parent is 'chilling round the house all day', or that it's only the one who works outside the house who is working.
Whether the work we do is paid or not makes no difference. If one parent is the one who works at running the home, caring for children with all that entails then they are definitely working.
I also never get this 'yours and mine' thing. In marriage I see everything as joint, joint income, joint bills, joint bank account, joint home etc.
If you earn a 6 figure income and the house is paid off it's not as if you even need more money. It's also really nice for children to have a parent at home, especially for the long school holidays or when they are sick.
You make your marriage sound like a competition rather than a loving commitment where the two people are a team.
I agree with you that stay home parenting IS hard work in the early years but our kids are 10 & 12. They are at school most of the day so she can get a FULL time job like I have. The kids don't need a baby sitter or anything if they happen to be home for 2-3 hours by themselves after school. Besides, since Covid I can work from home and don't expect I'll ever have to go back into the office so the kids will never be home alone.

Yes, we DO need the money. It all affects the bottom line. We have to think about funding college and retirement. Having the mortgage paid off, there are still lots of bills like insurance, taxes, maintenance, and kids fees for activities like soccer, piano, tennis and such.

I'd like our marriage to be a team but with her LOSING money and not stepping up to contribute financially, I'm not going to let her take advantage of me!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Wow. You seem like a very angry person who thinks that threats are ok. Who does most of the work at home? Shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare? Who will be there for them when they are ill or on school holidays?
We didn't marry till we were age 49 and 50. We still share everything and it's all 'ours'. I see little point in getting married if you are going to live like house mates. You earn lots of money. Think of your children.
You might be angry too if your husband (I assume ... since your name is Diana) stayed home losing money on "his" podcast and day-trading when HE could get a real job and contribute to the family. But for some reason it is OK for a woman to do it. In addition to my very demanding job, I do most of the work at home. I do all the cooking, helping the kids with a LOT of homework and their piano. All she does is the regular housework and breakfast.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,467 Posts
She'd have a better chance at making money by joining the NBA than she would with a podcast. What's her podcast about? How to day trade successfully? If so, she's like many other podcasters who preach about how to do things that they, themselves, are not able to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,412 Posts
Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.

money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.

beyond that you don’t get to dictate her money and job. Just as she doesn’t get to dictate your money and job. Sounds like chores are split about 50/50 with her doing housework breakfast and lunch and you doing homework and dinner.

You never answered if both your names are on the deed. I’m guessing no it’s just yours. So it was nice of you to buy the house but it’s an appreciable asset so no real skin off your nose.

not sure how the courts will view this so she might be entitled to half upon divorce if you two don’t have a prenup.

so your wive living in the basement because you decided that’s where she gets to live. What does she say? I mean I’d be divorcing you. You seem controlling, unfeeling and obsessed with money that you don’t share. I’m sure you are a peach in bed too where you tell her how she isn’t doing things right.

she going to get a job or divorce you? Are you two going to find a way to determine terms amicably or get lawyers? Ohhh I hope lawyers. I mean you don’t sound like the amicable type.

BTW. I hope you want a divorce because studies around TAM show that men that use that threat to get their own way generally find themselves divorced within about 5 years or in a really miserable marriage because it shuts down all good feelings from the wife. The wife who might soldier on for a few years for the kids to be older or for her to get in a better position but dead marriage. Have you made the classic mistake of using this threat more than once?

mid suggest you consult an attorney to see what the divorce will look like if not done amicably. I think you will find you have some powerful incentives to make it amicable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,823 Posts
Thanks for your reply, I'm glad somebody on this post sees MY side of the story that she is lazy and needs to step up and support the family instead of wasting more time on stupid ventures (her podcast and worse, day-trading!).
You make a good point and I've already decided NOT to accept the way it is but to MOVE ON if she doesn't get a real job. I told her to get a FULL TIME job or get out of the house! She is already banished to the basement to sleep (her office is down there too). If it were not for our children, she would already be GONE!
In my case she doesn't even do all the household. Yeah, she does dishes, breakfast, sometimes lunch, vacuums, cleans, laundry and a few other things but I do most all the time consuming things like cooking dinner, helping both kids with their homework and piano PLUS hold down a demanding job!
Banished to the basement? Can you hear yourself???
This is your wife who you are supposed to love but clearly don't.
If a man threatened me in that way I would be done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,673 Posts
You might be angry too if your husband (I assume ... since your name is Diana) stayed home losing money on "his" podcast and day-trading when HE could get a real job and contribute to the family. But for some reason it is OK for a woman to do it. In addition to my very demanding job, I do most of the work at home. I do all the cooking, helping the kids with a LOT of homework and their piano. All she does is the regular housework and breakfast.
You don’t do all the cooking. You said earlier she does breakfast and lunch. And I thought you said the house was paid for?

It seems you don’t realize how much your wife does.

What did your wife say when you told her you will divorce her if she doesn’t get a full-time job?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,734 Posts
Well, in some ways we have it good. We have 2 great kids. Our house is paid off (thanks to me). I have a 6 figure job. But we are not connected as a couple so I'm not sure if the marriage is otherwise satisfying. She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.
There you are, she gave you the answers. It seems like you are the one who feels she should be contributing more financially while she sees no reason for it and quite honestly with what you make my question would be why do you feel she needs to contribute more. I understand why you would be upset that she is still invested in a business venture that is losing money, I do get that. However, if she is sitting on money that was hers prior to the marriage and she is not taking from you to lose your money to her venture, what she chooses to do with her money really isn't a choice you can make for her.

My ex and I kept our finances separate and it actually worked well. He bought things with his money that I too thought was frivolous. He liked electronic gadgets and I am not a technology person so I saw it as him wasting money. He would pay $75 for an old nickle as an investment which again I thought was a waste of money as I did not see the future in his coin collection. He wasn't using any of my money to make these purchases however and we were being shorted financially in any way because he made these choices.

With the statement that you made: She says I "tell her what to do" all the time instead of "asking." Says I insult her every day. What? I'm simply explaining to her how to do things correctly.
I think the problem is not as much about money as it is the way she feels you are treating her. The statement comes across with the idea that you feel that you know what is best for her and are upset that she is not taking your advise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,673 Posts
Ok. So you have separate finances but you want to control her finances. That’s not how it works. If it is separate then it’s separate. Not only do you not get a say in how her pre-marriage money is spent you don’t get a say in post marriage money either.

money is simple. If it is 50/50 then you two should be able to sit down add up the yearly bills and split them. Have a joint account you deposit bill money in. This is commonly done with separate finance situations.

beyond that you don’t get to dictate her money and job. Just as she doesn’t get to dictate your money and job. Sounds like chores are split about 50/50 with her doing housework breakfast and lunch and you doing homework and dinner.

You never answered if both your names are on the deed. I’m guessing no it’s just yours. So it was nice of you to buy the house but it’s an appreciable asset so no real skin off your nose.

not sure how the courts will view this so she might be entitled to half upon divorce if you two don’t have a prenup.

so your wive living in the basement because you decided that’s where she gets to live. What does she say? I mean I’d be divorcing you. You seem controlling, unfeeling and obsessed with money that you don’t share. I’m sure you are a peach in bed too where you tell her how she isn’t doing things right.

she going to get a job or divorce you? Are you two going to find a way to determine terms amicably or get lawyers? Ohhh I hope lawyers. I mean you don’t sound like the amicable type.

BTW. I hope you want a divorce because studies around TAM show that men that use that threat to get their own way generally find themselves divorced within about 5 years or in a really miserable marriage because it shuts down all good feelings from the wife. The wife who might soldier on for a few years for the kids to be older or for her to get in a better position but dead marriage. Have you made the classic mistake of using this threat more than once?

mid suggest you consult an attorney to see what the divorce will look like if not done amicably. I think you will find you have some powerful incentives to make it amicable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,370 Posts
Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.

At this point, if she does get a full-time job it won't be long before she'll be hiring an attorney.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,412 Posts
Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've banished her to the basement so basically your marriage is over. Think you're going to be a hot commodity on the open market? Think again.

At this point, if she does get a full-time job it won't be long before she'll be hiring an attorney.
He will be a hot commodity for women who want his money. This wife doesn’t but at his age and disposition the next one will.
 
21 - 40 of 125 Posts
Top