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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all, new to the forum, and this is my first post.

I have been attached to my wife for 19 years (married for the last 9). We are both 43, both work and have two young children 8 and 3.

As usual sex before marriage was great and frequent. Since then, and the arrival of our first child, it has been reduced a to a routine 2/3 times a month (and always on a Saturday night).

What concerns me is that she seems to be increasingly "disconnected" from me during our love-making. She has turned her head on occasion when I try to kiss her on the lips. She always stimulates herself by hand when we are having intercourse, and will continue to do so after I have climaxed. During the latter, however, she does not want any physical contact from me, and usually looks the other way, so I just lie there like a lemon waiting for her to finish.

On our sex nights, she always has quite a lot to drink before hand. When we go to bed, she will often spend a good half an hour plus talking about mundane stuff like work, the kids, etc.... and then its like "right, better get down to it before one of us nods off!" She does sometimes like to read sexy stories to get her going (which can be a bit demoralising when I have spent the preceeding 15 minutes trying to do the same). A couple of nights ago, I produced a new book for her to read. She started reading the first story, then asked if I read any of it. I told her I just read the first one, to see what it was like, and as soon as I said this she flicked to another story. I questioned her about that, and she just said she didnt like the idea of me knowing what she was reading (and ultimately turning her on).

I feel like she is only having sex with me because its "her duty" and that she takes no pleasure from anything I do to her.

I trully love and fancy my wife and want her to feel the same way about me.

Please help me understand why she might be behaving like this. Is there any hope at all?
 

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Sounds like shes emotionally checked out of the marriage for whatever reason. Which for some people emotional checking out usually leads to physical checking out.

Also you said she spends a good half hour talking about mundane things like work and kids, maybe they are not mundane to her.
 

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I feel like she is only having sex with me because its "her duty" and that she takes no pleasure from anything I do to her.

I trully love and fancy my wife and want her to feel the same way about me.

Please help me understand why she might be behaving like this. Is there any hope at all?
I believe your feeling is correct. Do you have any idea what would cause such a thing: depression, past infidelity or some other resentment? The answer probably lies somewhere in your past.
 

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My ex once started eating an apple when I was trying to awaken whatever it was that was dead inside her.
:lol: Sorry I didn't mean to laugh, but the way you put that, was pretty funny.
 
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When we go to bed, she will often spend a good half an hour plus talking about mundane stuff like work, the kids, etc.... and then its like "right, better get down to it before one of us nods off!"
^^^

Above is your wife trying to get her needs met...so that she can feel desire for you. She is disconnecting from you BECAUSE she isn't getting her needs met. The quoted statement above suggests to me that 'conversation and being listened to' is the unmet need.

To her (mundane) conversations may be just as important as having sex is to you. Do you get that?
How many hours a week do the two of you spend together chatting and connecting. 15 hours is the suggested minimum.

There is an excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. It covers all this for BOTH of you. Makes great bedtime reading too.
 

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because shes just not into you anymore. there sombody had to say it.


have some respect for yourself and quit trying to have sex,make love or whatever you want to call it. until she acts like she wants to have sex with you. or shuffle on down the road. do the 180 and improve yourself and look for a more worthy woman.


good luck.
 

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That happened to me way back, before I met my wife, wife my ex girlfriend. She would turn her head and just lay there. I thought it was odd and then I found out she was still seeing her ex boyfriend now and then (not sexually). Seeing someone else a possibility?

If its not that, I would once every month, completely surprise her with flowers, romantic card, her favorite chocolates and have dinner ready before she gets home. Then give her an oil massage back and front, cuddle with her, listen to her mundane things, watch a movie together. Pick a day were you can do this and the kids are at their friends place or grandparents place, etc. See how she's respond with that type of a surprise.....I know my wife loves it because I'm getting really good at being discreet and secretive about it.

How about giving her oral to orgasm every time before you have sex. I'm sure she'd really love that. Or buy a toy for her, watch an adult movie more for women with her.
 

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mg,

She stimulates herself during intercourse because she is like most women, she cannot have an orgasm from penetration only. Do you realize that this is normal for most women?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks all for the replies.

Fact is, life is stressfull what with juggling work, the kids, household etc (but isnt it for everyone?). We don't get any external help and life does 100% revolve around the kids. Come evening time we are both wacked out, and tend to crash out in front of the tv (her preference, not mine).

She tells me she is finding the above hard to cope with. Sadly she doesnt have many outlets in the way of friends or external hobbies, and she has also been disowned by her own family (coincided with the birth of our second child). I try to compensate for this as best I can by doing chores, doing the school and nursery runs and looking after the kids if she chooses to go out. I made a big career sacrifice a few years back becoming a full time home worker so that I could help out more. She on the other hand has been able to move onwards and upwards and now earns 40% more than me. Ironically, she did once say in a heated argument that if I had a better job and earned more, she wouldn't have the "burden" of bringing home the bacon. Someone above mentioned resentment? I dunno.

I have tried talking to her about trying to make things better, but nothing ever changes. She keeps saying she is too tired all the time, and inevitably resumes her fave position in front of the tv. Mention sex, and my feelings about it and she goes bananas, cries and accuses me of piling more pressure on her.

I do believe fundamental changes have to happen in our lives. The big question however is whether the damage already done is repairable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
mg,

She stimulates herself during intercourse because she is like most women, she cannot have an orgasm from penetration only. Do you realize that this is normal for most women?
Hi Ele.

Sure I know this, and I never had a problem with it in the past. Insecurity is making me question everything now though..
 

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Hi Ele.

Sure I know this, and I never had a problem with it in the past. Insecurity is making me question everything now though..
I can understand the insecurity. Feeling rejected by your spouse is a very painful thing to endure. This is one thing you do not need to feel insecure about though. So let this one go.
 

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^^^

Above is your wife trying to get her needs met...so that she can feel desire for you. She is disconnecting from you BECAUSE she isn't getting her needs met. The quoted statement above suggests to me that 'conversation and being listened to' is the unmet need.

To her (mundane) conversations may be just as important as having sex is to you. Do you get that?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together chatting and connecting. 15 hours is the suggested minimum.

There is an excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. It covers all this for BOTH of you. Makes great bedtime reading too.
:iagree:

mg.. the above is one of the most important things that you need to come to realize. Your wife's needs are not being met. I know that yours are not being met either. But you are the one who is here so the advice is being given for how you can start to fix things. One of you has to start making some changes. It's going to have to be you apparently.


For men sex is usually their most important need.


For women it's very often conversation. Women feel emotional connection through conversation. She does not want you to fix anything. All she wants is for you to listen to her and empathize. That's all.


The two of you need to be spending 15 hours a week together. That's without the children, without friends, etc. Just the two of you. Yes life is stressful. We all work a lot. But you have to find the time. Once her needs are met, her desire for sex will increase.


It takes at least 15 hours a week to maintain the connection and love in a marriage. Without that time you get what you have right now.


You would benefit from the books linked to below. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs".


Some suggestions for meeting her needs. You say that she comes home and just sits in front of the TV. Can you sit with her? Will she let you cuddle her (with no expectation of sex)? You could give her a foot, back, scalp rub. Ask her about her day. Let the conversation flow. Doing things like this will slowly rebuild your connection. For women this is intimacy.


You might need to start looking to increase your income. She’s told you that she needs this.


In our society today we tend to bend the family to but the children in center focus. This is wrong. It produces spoiled children and destroyed marriages. The relationship between the parents needs to be number one.


I'm sure you have flown on an aircraft. The stewardess tells people that if they are flying with a child to put their air mask on first and then put the mask on the child. The reason is that if the adult passes out first the child will not get their air and will die. Well marriage is like that... the parents need to take care of their relationship to make a strong foundation for the children.


You need to find ways to spend more time together. After the children are in bed every day is a good start. Then on weekends, every weekend get several hours together. Hire a baby sitter if you need to. I used to even hire a baby sitter.
 

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My two cents.

Your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in having sex with you.
You said that there was that connection before and sex was good, and so the sudden change is perplexing to you.
It should be.
You also mentioned that whenever you attempt to kiss her on her mouth, she turns her head.
Not a good sign at all.
The the long " prologue " about mundane stuff not remotely connected to sex just before sex speaks volumes.She is not saying something.
She also has to drink a lot before sex , my guess its to mask her real feelings,because she is repulsed by you.
She seems not dissatisfied, but disconnected from you.

She wants sex, but not from you.
The real question is why.
 

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I agree that it sounds like your wife has checked out emotionally and now physically...some reasons? (in no order of importance)
-she is depressed
-she is suffering from hormonal imbalance
-she is having an EA or PA
-no offense, but have you changed physically? hows your hygiene? Could your sexual techniques/approach need tweeking? Lots of tips on line or in books...
-her emotional needs are not being filled by you, women need mental foreplay way more than men.
_ASK HER YOURSELF! COMMUNICATE! Sit her down and in no uncertain terms, let her know this is important, this is serious, this is affecting your marriage negatively, you can take the truth, whatever it is, this has to dealt with now...
 

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:iagree:


In our society today we tend to bend the family to but the children in center focus. This is wrong. It produces spoiled children and destroyed marriages. .
:iagree::iagree:
 
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Most important, ASK her what she would like you to do for her sexually, foreplay, etc. Do you assume that just because what you do EVERY single time worked once way in the past, it should work now? Women's tastes can change or become desensitized so new techniques may spice it up... Cut to the chase and simply ask her what she likes, you may be surprised...and it saves a lot of time with trial and error and is actually quite a turn on to be asked and then delivered upon...actually she sounds like she might be bored? Hopefully, you are giving her more than the wham, bam, thankyou Ma'm type of sex and are sincerely trying to please her, and expressing your love for her during sex...you sound like a very well meaning, concerned man who wants to make your marriage work...talk to her...good luck.
 

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My two cents.

Your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in having sex with you.
You said that there was that connection before and sex was good, and so the sudden change is perplexing to you.
It should be.
You also mentioned that whenever you attempt to kiss her on her mouth, she turns her head.
Not a good sign at all.
The the long " prologue " about mundane stuff not remotely connected to sex just before sex speaks volumes.She is not saying something.
She also has to drink a lot before sex , my guess its to mask her real feelings,because she is repulsed by you.
She seems not dissatisfied, but disconnected from you.

She wants sex, but not from you.
The real question is why.
:smthumbup::iagree:

OP, I believe this is the best advice in this thread. You may not like it, but what if Mr. Carribean is right? You're heading for even more trouble in the future if you don't do something about it.
 
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