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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
sorry, i will back off.
i do tend to be blunt sometimes.
You don't have to back off. Blunt is OK. I tend to be blunt too. On the internet I have difficulty reading & conveying tone.

I was saying my raw pain over this subject is making me highly sensitive & so the direct style is more jarring then it would be about a less emotional subject. I was trying to acknowledge my own bias here, not criticize you or the help you are offering.
 

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Absolutely NOT. I don't even bank or shop on my phone because I have zero trust in the technology. I can't imagine doing that.

He'd also probably laugh or ask me WTF I did that. No thanks. I can't handle that level of overt rejection.

@badsanta I think you & @Talker67 are giving me similar messages but you are doing a better job of using language that is more palatable to me. @Talker67 is more blunt than I'm open to. Doesn't make him wrong. I'm trying to hear what you are both saying. It's just tough.

DH had his testosterone tested & it was just fine. That is when I kind of gave up, assuming it must be me.
Do you happen to recall the numbers? “...just fine...” could mean different things because the range they use for “normal” includes the full population of men (up to 80 years of age). His level could be high enough to produce sperm but too low to support further sexual expression.
 

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He'll be 50 next year. Like most people, me included, he probably packed on 15 - 20 pounds with Covid but we have both been working to shed those pounds. He's not obese (although technically I am; my BMI puts me 4 pounds into the obese category but most people think I'm slender). I stopped baking as much (I stress bake) and we cut down the alcohol. Yes, I know booze can effect performance. I am not complaining about Whiskey D**k. That goes away when you sober up. This is something else. His testosterone levels tested in the normal range when we were trying to have kids.

I don't know how to persuade him to open up. He's a Marine Veteran who comes from a dysfunctional family. Prying an emotion out of him isn't easy

I may suggest he go back to the doctor & ask about the pump.

I do fear on some level he's asexual. I have tried to talk to him about what does excite him & he says "nothing." I have a drawer full of lingerie. He doesn't care. I have offered for us to buy marital aids. He says no thanks. Within reason, short of other people, I'd be willing to give him almost anything he asked for. He does not have much experience with the opposite sex. We'll be married 13 years this fall; together 15. Before me he hadn't really dated in 10 years (late 20s to early 30s) because the woman he had wanted to marry at 25 broke his heart. He got back in the dating pool a few months before he met me but he was very shy & clueless. Based on how handsome he is, most women steered clear because they assumed based on what he looks like that he was a player. Heck, I thought so too when I 1st laid eyes on him but I wanted sexy, light, fun & definitely not serious. Look where that got me. ;)

He really is a great guy. Handsome. Caring. Loyal. Funny as heck; he makes me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes at least once per day. He's solvent. He's intelligent & quick witted. He's industrious. I just wish we had a better connection in the bedroom.
I really think think this is a desire and attraction issue and not something more cryptic like homosexuality, asexuality, etc. There is also a physiological component, but I don't think that is the main thing.

He doesn't want to have sex because he isn't attracted and there is zero desire.

For you to be obese is simply not acceptable: you have to take the weight off and stop pretending like it is OK, or not a big deal. It is a huge deal, and not only does it ruin your sex life and marriage, it could put you in an early grave from heart disease, type-2 diabetes, etc.

He also needs to lose weight and get into shape. I am 50 as well, and I know my testosterone is nowhere near what it was when I was 20. I am 6'1 185lbs and I work out 4-5 times a week. If I were 20-30 pounds overweight and didn't exercise, I might have ED problems as well. One of the reasons I keep in shape is to perform in bed.

This is a fixable problem, but it will take some time and a lot of effort. You might even want to see a nutritionist.
 

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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
He doesn't want to have sex because he isn't attracted and there is zero desire.

For you to be obese is simply not acceptable: you have to take the weight off and stop pretending like it is OK, or not a big deal. It is a huge deal, and not only does it ruin your sex life and marriage, it could put you in an early grave from heart disease, type-2 diabetes, etc.
You misunderstand. If you looked at me you would think I am relatively slender for a middle aged woman. My BMI puts me into the "obese category" by 3 pounds. I am 5'7 and weigh 162 lbs. To not be "obese" I should weigh 159 lbs. I'm a size 10. Trust me; my Covid weight isn't the problem. When we married I was about 140 & a size 6 but he wasn't attracted then either so it's not really my weight. If anything he has made positive comments that my boobs got bigger.

For my 50th birthday I dieted & worked out like crazy for 1.5 years & got back down to 135 because I wanted to be able to wear a bikini on the beach on my 50th birthday. DH took me to Hawaii to celebrate but we didn't have sex then either. When I walked out on the beach in my bikini he handed me a pina colada & a cheeseburger saying "Eat. I'd rather you be fat & happy than skinny & bi***y. I love you no matter what size you are & I have never thought you were fat." So no, it's not my weight.

I have also tried to dress sexy for him in the past -- short skirts, nice stockings, high heels, great hair, perfect makeup -- but I stopped. I would get all dolled up. He wouldn't notice or comment but every other man I encountered would have something to say or stare. The attention affirmed that I am still attractive but it was unwanted. I don't want other man to find me desirable. I want HIM to want me & to act on it, Having to beat the rest of them off with a stick was simply annoying.
 

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two things.
first it seems that people DO get their sexual expectations up for a vacation. then when the sex does not happen, it is like a double whammy. You really hoped for a miracle, and it did not happen!

Second, keep up the exercising. I know with covid it is hard, but when things die down, join a gym. work out 3, maybe more, times a week. get the body fit, trim, toned, and sexy. HOPEFULLY it will shame your husband to do the same. If it is a coed gym, you can cajole him to come along. At the least YOU will feel sexy about yourself, and that is half the battle.
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
@Talker67 Thanks for the optimism but I could become a fitness model & it would not motivate DH to follow suit I didn't have my expectations up about that vacation. I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I have tried all sorts of things to get him interested. Each time I put in effort or undertake an expenditure or endure pain (some personal grooming things are painful if you get my drift) and nothing happens I give up. Now I'd really just rather have dessert & that 2nd glass of wine. Eating my comfort at least keeps me from crying or worse.

Other then telling me to lose weight (which was never the problem), get his testosterone checked or divorce it doesn't seem like there are many options.
 

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@Talker67 Thanks for the optimism but I could become a fitness model & it would not motivate DH to follow suit I didn't have my expectations up about that vacation. I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I have tried all sorts of things to get him interested. Each time I put in effort or undertake an expenditure or endure pain (some personal grooming things are painful if you get my drift) and nothing happens I give up. Now I'd really just rather have dessert & that 2nd glass of wine. Eating my comfort at least keeps me from crying or worse.

Other then telling me to lose weight (which was never the problem), get his testosterone checked or divorce it doesn't seem like there are many options.
there are a shortage of nuns, i hear.
 

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DH had his testosterone tested & it was just fine. That is when I kind of gave up, assuming it must be me.
Investigate what his level is. A doctor friend who owns clinics that administer bioidentical hormone replacement therapy says he's seeing current and former military guys with testosterone levels below 100. Our military personnel are given all sorts of shots and vaccines that are destroying their systems. The "normal" range is 300 to 600. However, the "normal" number keeps dropping. The real number, as it was 100 years ago, is 1200. If I were him, I'd get the pellets (inserted surgically into his butt cheeks) and give it a try. Some people argue that other forms of testosterone supplementation run a risk of promoting prostate cancer. BHRT does not.
 

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Honestly, sounds like you and him have tried everything. It could be depression and self loathing. And I really kind of doubt his testosterone levels are fine. Of the things I think should be tried is exercise and especially weight lifting. All you need is a gym membership. Or you even could recommendyo him that you both enroll in a crossfit program together. That would likely elevate his mood and increase testosterone.
 

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that is interesting. DH is a vet. That might be a conversation he will have.
You have to talk with a doctor who does not accept 600 as normal. Most doctors are interested in prolonging your life. Too many of them are not concerned about the quality of life. At least that's what a doctor friend told me.
 

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Check the BMI chart again. You appear to be in the overweight category - not the obese category.
 

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Am I making myself clear? With message boards I'm never sure.
You always make yourself clear. Some other message boards out there just have comprehension problems. :oops:

Just an observation, I don't think the decision to come out or not is always predicated on how accepting the social circle would be. I think some gay men struggle internally coming to terms with the label and all it brings to their self image.

Based on everything you've posted here and elsewhere I'd guess he falls into that category. He is not particularly interested in opening up that door, probably never will be and enjoys his life with you. I doubt you'll ever get to have an honest conversation with him about it. He's probably well aware it might throw your marriage into jeopardy if he admits it. If he's even admitted it to himself.

I wish I had a more appealing opinion about the matter but it's good to see you posting over here none the less d0nni.
 

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Investigate what his level is. A doctor friend who owns clinics that administer bioidentical hormone replacement therapy says he's seeing current and former military guys with testosterone levels below 100. Our military personnel are given all sorts of shots and vaccines that are destroying their systems. The "normal" range is 300 to 600. However, the "normal" number keeps dropping. The real number, as it was 100 years ago, is 1200. If I were him, I'd get the pellets (inserted surgically into his butt cheeks) and give it a try. Some people argue that other forms of testosterone supplementation run a risk of promoting prostate cancer. BHRT does not.

Not quoting this to make any point, but more of an opinion, because it seems like everyone just jumps to the "T" issue whenever a guy wont have sex with a particular woman... Porn being a close second....

While either of these scenarios could be the cause, more often than not, it isn't the cause....A lot(id even venture to say most) guys don't start banging women that they have basically totally given up on sexually for a significant length of time (as what seems to be the case with the OP), because they have testosterone treatment...or even gave up on porn...Whatever it was to "make that go away" doesn't come back if there is a change...Not IME, anyway....

Actually in these cases, what's more likely to happen is that he goes out and starts banging someone else that he may not have thought of when his drive was in the toilet..

I guess in some of these cases, be careful what you wish for....It's similar to when some guys push their wives to get into shape in hopes that they will start becoming more intimate...Minute that woman starts gaining some confidence and getting noticed, she starts going after her personal trainer or her husbands best friend...
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
@hamadryad

While the idea that once confidence increases after the performance issues stop, a person goes out looking for strange is a real thing, as much as I'd hate it, that would be better than this. Then I could get mad & that would probably enable me to divorce, or he would initiate it. Now I just feel stuck.

Knowing DH as I do, I don't think he'd do that. I improved his life in so many other ways & he didn't take that confidence & leave so based on past performance, I don't think he'd take increase sexual prowess & bestow it on anyone but me assuming he's straight. Obviously if he's in the closet, all bets are off. But there again, I'd feel better about getting an annulment. To @gaius 's point, there are valid reasons why he may not be willing to acknowledge that even to himself
 

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I’m just going to throw this out there because it is a remote possibility and is easy to check. Is he expending his male “energy” on porn and masturbation? You could check by pulling logs out of your WiFi router, check his devices for evidence, or just run and see if the bathroom he just spent twenty minutes in smells (I offer this last one not to be gross but because it’s the simplest “is my man on porn” test). If he is a closet porn user- this is something that could be fixed in time. It’s a known fact that porn use causes ED in men. There’s tons of personal stories on here of lonely/ignored women replaced by porn and discover this “secret” years later. Best wishes and so sorry that you’re going through this.
 

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I try to be understanding about my husband's ED. I have accepted the fact that even with the drugs he just . . . can't. Our sex life wasn't great before marriage; we spent some time trying unsuccessfully to have a baby but honestly at this point I don't remember the last time we had sex. It has to be more than 3-4 years ago.

I convinced myself that I was being too pushy, demanding too much. On the rare occasion when I could get DH to talk about it, he'd promise more sex but look like I just killed his puppy when he would call himself defective.

What I really want to know is how to jump start other forms of intimacy. He still has hands & a mouth but he is not interested in anything. I'm lonely. I miss the exercise from vigorous sex. I miss the good endorphins that are released which combat depression and foster connection.

Divorce is not an option I'm prepared for. I take my vows seriously: for better or worse. Alas this may be one of the areas where I'm stuck with worse. I do know I could make a claim for a religious annulment on the grounds of marital abandonment but I genuinely like my husband & I enjoy our life together. I just miss sex.
I think your husband and my husband were cut from the same cloth. I wish I had an answer. Just know you're not alone
 

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I am going to disagree with those that say the ED isn't behind his lack of non-penetrative intimacy.
This post needs to be a sticky. Wolfman has nailed it.
 
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