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I don’t like shoe shopping but my wife does. I do it for her. If I had no feet I would still go with her.

ED is not the end of sexuality. You husband has no care about your basic relationship needs..... it’s that simple. One online trip to LoveHoney is all it takes to find more fun than the bedroom can handle.
I really dislike when I see comments like this comparing "shoe shopping" to having someone on you & in you in a most intimate way. Also, marriage and sex issues aren't solved by going outside the marriage in any capacity. You work to solve the issue first. If it can't be solved, then you go and find what you desire.
 

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Two immediate appointments. First to your primary care physician. You need to be in the room for any and all explanations. Had a client last year who really was just not into sex. Dr told both of them that the ED could be ameliorated with several drugs, none of which he was interested in taking. It made the situation more than clear for her. Second appointment is with a therapist. Need to find alternative schema to PIV intimacy. Here too you will get your answers as to whether or not this relationship is viable on a physical level at all.
 
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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
He'll be 50 next year. Like most people, me included, he probably packed on 15 - 20 pounds with Covid but we have both been working to shed those pounds. He's not obese (although technically I am; my BMI puts me 4 pounds into the obese category but most people think I'm slender). I stopped baking as much (I stress bake) and we cut down the alcohol. Yes, I know booze can effect performance. I am not complaining about Whiskey D**k. That goes away when you sober up. This is something else. His testosterone levels tested in the normal range when we were trying to have kids.

I don't know how to persuade him to open up. He's a Marine Veteran who comes from a dysfunctional family. Prying an emotion out of him isn't easy

I may suggest he go back to the doctor & ask about the pump.

I do fear on some level he's asexual. I have tried to talk to him about what does excite him & he says "nothing." I have a drawer full of lingerie. He doesn't care. I have offered for us to buy marital aids. He says no thanks. Within reason, short of other people, I'd be willing to give him almost anything he asked for. He does not have much experience with the opposite sex. We'll be married 13 years this fall; together 15. Before me he hadn't really dated in 10 years (late 20s to early 30s) because the woman he had wanted to marry at 25 broke his heart. He got back in the dating pool a few months before he met me but he was very shy & clueless. Based on how handsome he is, most women steered clear because they assumed based on what he looks like that he was a player. Heck, I thought so too when I 1st laid eyes on him but I wanted sexy, light, fun & definitely not serious. Look where that got me. ;)

He really is a great guy. Handsome. Caring. Loyal. Funny as heck; he makes me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes at least once per day. He's solvent. He's intelligent & quick witted. He's industrious. I just wish we had a better connection in the bedroom.
 

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I have a close friend from college that I suspect is 'asexual'...he never seemed to chase anyone, never was interested, never had a girlfriend or boyfriend...it just wasn't something he was into. If there's a spectrum on this sort of thing it's very possible that's where your husband is. 20 years later my friend is the happiest guy and living the dream...but always single.

You also mentioned religious annulment...which tells me that at least you are highly religious. Is he? Without placing judgement many faiths historically have demonized anything other than traditional heterosexual. Very possible that he's gay as well, but wanting to live within the faith.

Suggest some real open and understanding dialog here and creating an environment where he can be honest with his best friend...and be prepared to hear something you might not like and process without judgement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
I don't think he's gay but honestly I haven't 100% ruled it out. I really think he's asexual if anything. His extended family is one of the most diverse groups of people I have ever known even if his immediate family is white bread & "normal." I am more religious than he has ever been even though we technically share the same faith. It's not a matter of him thinking he won't be accepted (I don't think) because there are openly gay family members. I know he thinks of me as a safe space because he has shared things with me that nobody else knows & has shown emotion in my presence even though the idea of letting anyone know he has feelings is beyond abhorrent to him so I don't think it's completely a lack of trust.

I know he thinks I think he's let me down. I don't feel let down by the ED. Do I wish it were different? Sure. Do I blame him? No. But I do feel let down or unheard by his unwillingness to do the things he can do. That's my real issue . I don't know where that withholding is coming from or how to make something else, non-PIV, happen.

Am I making myself clear? With message boards I'm never sure.
 

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I really dislike when I see comments like this comparing "shoe shopping" to having someone on you & in you in a most intimate way. Also, marriage and sex issues aren't solved by going outside the marriage in any capacity. You work to solve the issue first. If it can't be solved, then you go and find what you desire.
Let me restart:

ED is not the end of sexuality.
LoveHoney is an online adult shop.
If my pecker didn’t work I would visit LoveHoney and buy a replacement.
I would then use said replacement with my wife.
At this time it can also be noted that my mouth and hands still work.

Repeat: ED is not the end of sexuality.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
ED is not the end of sexuality.
LoveHoney is an online adult shop.
If my pecker didn’t work I would visit LoveHoney and buy a replacement.
I would then use said replacement with my wife.
At this time it can also be noted that my mouth and hands still work.

Repeat: ED is not the end of sexuality.
I agree with you which is why I'm frustrated. DH isn't doing any of that. How do I get him interested in that?

@Taxman who suggested 2 appointments. I have been to the PCP appointments with him. Even if I wanted to go now, I could not with Covid. I suppose he could face time me from the appointment.

I have suggested MC / therapy. He said no. He's an adult. What am I supposed to do tie him to a chair & open up the chat on my computer with the therapist? I am not about to go nuclear & say if he doesn't go to therapy I'm divorcing him. As I said, I won't divorce him so making empty threats undermines my position. I suppose I could resort to tears.
 

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My exH withdrew all other affection and quality time together as way to keep me away sexally. I'd guess that's what is happening here. It's not easy to live with in marriage...I think a hard conversation needs to take place. The sad fact is that not all ED can be successfully treated. If he's untreatable and you accept that he's tried all he can and you accept a sex free marriage but want the other stuff, affection, snuggling, attention from him, etc then you need to TELL him that plainly and clearly so he knows you won't push him for sex when those other things happen.

Good luck!!
 

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ED isn't the cause. He's just not interested in other forms of sexuality with you.
i strongly disagree.

he is probably VERY embarrassed that he can not get it up. And it sears his brain so much, that he is avoiding ANY even moderate sexual situation that might lead to him having to perform in bed.

well, you have to work on him to get his mind right.
you can point out that when you agreed to marriage, that entailed him being required to sexually please you. so he has an unfulfilled obligation to try.

What you have him try is totally up to you.
Obviously oral sex is a good substitute.
Sex toys, like various dildos, vibrators, etc. they even make a strap on that is hollow that he can put his penis inside of, and still have PIV sex with you.
but more kinky things, such as various types of bondage? Maybe you enjoy being tied up, having some nipple torture, etc. and He can take on the role of Dominant once again, something he is missing probably.
Or he might enjoy being tied up, humiliated, made a sissy. I mean, if his penis is not working, then some guys actually like being humiliated about it, made to dress up like a woman.
Some men really enjoy being "pegged", where you wear a strap on and have anal sex with him...a lot of women really enjoy doing that too.

you can take these various role plays to all sorts of levels. the question is what turns you on, and turns him on too.
 

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reading over some other comments, the penile implant one is worth a try. i hear it hurts like hell for a week or two, but then a month later you are ready for takeoff again.
 

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was thinking, a good way to get this all going.
dress up in some lingerie. get a vibrating dildo. go to whereever he is, sit down, and start playing with your self. demand that he watch.

after some time, ask him to hold the dildo for you, and very loudly exclaim how great it feels when he does start to move it inside of you.

you would be teaching him that he CAN still make you cum, and that it is not humiliating but rather you PREFER him to use a dildo on you, and it makes you very hot!

sometimes it is easier to show him what you want, than to talk about it ahead of time. don't be shy, just do it
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
@Talker67 I appreciate you taking the time but I'm WAAYYYYYY too vanilla to do 1/2 of what you suggest. If I tried to even talk about some of what you suggest my husband would probably die of a heart attack in front of me. He really is not capable of the conversation.
 

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It looks like you're going to have to be content with a good laugh once a day. If your husband were interested in anything physical, he would have done so by now. A dog will provide you with affection.
 

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@Talker67 I appreciate you taking the time but I'm WAAYYYYYY too vanilla to do 1/2 of what you suggest. If I tried to even talk about some of what you suggest my husband would probably die of a heart attack in front of me. He really is not capable of the conversation.
that IS a problem....sometimes it is just too embarrassing to talk about it.
but also sometimes it is just easier to dive right in and show him, try to turn him on, no talking involved.
certainly wearing some lingerie in front of him and teasing him is within your comfort level! Go buy yourself something extremely sexy and provocative, and prance about the house in it!

its not a question of if you are too vanilla or not, or if he is too! Its more a question of "what can i do to feel sexy myself", and "what can i do to turn him on, to make him hard"

maybe a first step: take a sexy picture of yourself, and text it to him!
 

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Back to testosterone injections.

Ask around, find a sympathetic doctor. Maybe a female MD. It need not be an urologist, any MD, DO can prescribe injections. This, even if he has normal levels of T.

But, he must do the asking.
 
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Back to testosterone injections.

Ask around, find a sympathetic doctor. Maybe a female MD. It need not be an urologist, any MD, DO can prescribe injections. This, even if he has normal levels of T.

But, he must do the asking.
at least have him tested for testosterone levels.
i hear they have creams you apply under your arm, no injection reqired.
 

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I do fear on some level he's asexual. I have tried to talk to him about what does excite him & he says "nothing." I have a drawer full of lingerie. He doesn't care. I have offered for us to buy marital aids. He says no thanks. Within reason, short of other people, I'd be willing to give him almost anything he asked for.
One problem you need to acknowledge is that you are trying to please someone that may have little or no desire to be pleased sexually.

This however does not mean that the marriage has to be sexless, but it requires one to shift expectations and perspectives. Your sole focus should be showing him how to love and care for you sexually. Try and be easy to please and make things very obvious for him (since he likely feels uncomfortable). When he does something right, make it a point to try and use positive reinforcement and compliment him. Refrain from complaining. Try and make him feel loved and accepted just the way he is and avoid sending him to the doctor (he should go on his own self motivation).

Initially what this means is that you may need to engage in self pleasure and share that with him very openly in a way that is trying to be positive about you wanting him to be with you when that happens. Don't insist that he needs to respond with his own arousal, just try and make him feel accepted when he is with you when that happens. Gradually he may begin to participate, and gradually he may even begin to respond with arousal and want you to reciprocate. You may discover that he is good at his own self pleasure and he may begin to share that with you and talk about it.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
maybe a first step: take a sexy picture of yourself, and text it to him!
Absolutely NOT. I don't even bank or shop on my phone because I have zero trust in the technology. I can't imagine doing that.

He'd also probably laugh or ask me WTF I did that. No thanks. I can't handle that level of overt rejection.

@badsanta I think you & @Talker67 are giving me similar messages but you are doing a better job of using language that is more palatable to me. @Talker67 is more blunt than I'm open to. Doesn't make him wrong. I'm trying to hear what you are both saying. It's just tough.

DH had his testosterone tested & it was just fine. That is when I kind of gave up, assuming it must be me.
 

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@badsanta I think you & @Talker67 are giving me similar messages but you are doing a better job of using language that is more palatable to me. @Talker67 is more blunt than I'm open to. Doesn't make him wrong. I'm trying to hear what you are both saying. It's just tough.
In my marriage there were many times that my wife was not in the mood for me to try and get her aroused so that we can have sex when I wanted. She also became unwilling to please me because historically I would insist she should be aroused as well (almost as if I needed to test to see if she desired/loved me).

I eventually let go of that and had gave her room to respond on her own terms. I also made an effort to allow much more nonsexual intimacy without pressuring her for sex. She struggled with feeling inadequate, so I transformed my desire for her into something that gave me energy to compliment her and be appreciative of positive things as opposed to complaining about not getting enough sex. As a result she became more willing to please me knowing that I would not insist on her having to be aroused as well. Eventually she started responding and we both began to learn the circumstances she needed to enjoy intimacy.

It was a long process (many years), but it is one where we are both open, understanding, and loving regarding the things we need from each other in order for things to be mutually enjoyable. We both developed a workable system to deal with urges in the event one becomes unrelenting at a time when the other is unlikely to respond (which now the majority of the time it end up being mutually pleasurable unexpectedly).

A good place to start is to work on activities that deescalate sexual desire and that help sooth the situation. So if you are aroused and wanting intimacy from your spouse when that person needs to say no, work out a reasonable alternate option of some soothing nonsexual intimacy like a back rub. This way you feel loved and cared for instead of rejected and frustrated which will help a lot.

In the event your spouse is struggling with feeling inadequate or as if he is somehow broken, suggestions of lingerie, novelties, or trying crazy ideas likely serve to validate his feeling that something is wrong with him and that things are becoming unnatural. So in moments you are able to work on improving intimacy, try and work towards keeping things very simple and natural as possible between the two of you (as in limit arousing things to various touches and sensations that do not require opening the nightstand and pulling out a tangled system of ropes and pulleys that connect to a reinforced ceiling fan). Research relaxing activities that lend themself towards erotic creativity that are simple and easy to facilitate. An example might be relaxing together in a hammock in creative positions that allow for gentle grinding with cloths on while slowly swinging back and forth.
 
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