Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 68 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I try to be understanding about my husband's ED. I have accepted the fact that even with the drugs he just . . . can't. Our sex life wasn't great before marriage; we spent some time trying unsuccessfully to have a baby but honestly at this point I don't remember the last time we had sex. It has to be more than 3-4 years ago.

I convinced myself that I was being too pushy, demanding too much. On the rare occasion when I could get DH to talk about it, he'd promise more sex but look like I just killed his puppy when he would call himself defective.

What I really want to know is how to jump start other forms of intimacy. He still has hands & a mouth but he is not interested in anything. I'm lonely. I miss the exercise from vigorous sex. I miss the good endorphins that are released which combat depression and foster connection.

Divorce is not an option I'm prepared for. I take my vows seriously: for better or worse. Alas this may be one of the areas where I'm stuck with worse. I do know I could make a claim for a religious annulment on the grounds of marital abandonment but I genuinely like my husband & I enjoy our life together. I just miss sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,568 Posts
I don't agree that ED isn't the cause. I think he is ashamed and feels like failure and unworthy of affection. He is also afraid that you will want to go further and he will fail again which is probably reliving the reminder that he is a failure in his mind and emotionally very painful.

Has he been to the doctor?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,126 Posts
I'm sure you know the possible reasons for your husband's ED and failure to have other forms of sex with you are numerous and there is little point is us trying to find some generic reason. Men, in general, feel embarrassed and inadequate when they can't get it up. Has he sought medical/psychological held. How old is he. Most important, is he interested in fixing the problem? Why he's not interest in using other methods and toy to take care of you is anybody's guess but sounds lackadaisical on his part at best.
In the final analysis you've got three choice if you stay married; 1. keep going like its going patiently wait for a fix while personally taking care of your own needs , 2. try to push him into doing what he can do exclusive of PIV, 3. Find someone on the side either with or without his permission. In any case, he has a problem that impacts your marriage and he owns that whether he likes it or not. But you're going to have to own weighing the benefits of what ever action you take against the cost of that action.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,404 Posts
I'm in the ED isn't the cause camp. When I first got ED I was like I'm going to fix it or set her free. Went to the doc and changed a med, all good. When I had to go back on that med I also got ED pills. They work for me but about half the time I don't even take them and we still have satisfying sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
163 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Has he been to the doctor?
He has been to many doctors over the past 10 years. He has seen the family doctor. The pills worked for a little while & when we were trying to have kids I would always approach him in the morning to take advantage of nature. He doesn't even get aroused in the morning any more. He has tried all the pills -- Viagra, Cialis, generics -- nothing happens. He's been to at least 2 PCPs, 3 urologists & a fertility specialist. I have suggest marriage counseling but he claims talk won't help. I suggested a sex therapist but he just shut down; it was like I watched the whole man collapse into himself. The idea of a sex therapist was so horrifying to him.

He's not getting it else where. It's more like he's asexual. If I thought he was unfaithful I'd be long gone. Most people who know us think we have a perfect marriage. That just makes me feel lonelier.

@VladDracul I'm not gonna cheat. I'd divorce before I did that & I'm not going to divorce.

I was hoping for suggestions to get him more interested in anything. If I ask he will cuddle me but nothing else. I hate that have to ask.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
He has been to many doctors over the past 10 years. He has seen the family doctor. The pills worked for a little while & when we were trying to have kids I would always approach him in the morning to take advantage of nature. He doesn't even get aroused in the morning any more. He has tried all the pills -- Viagra, Cialis, generics -- nothing happens. He's been to at least 2 PCPs, 3 urologists & a fertility specialist. I have suggest marriage counseling but he claims talk won't help. I suggested a sex therapist but he just shut down; it was like I watched the whole man collapse into himself. The idea of a sex therapist was so horrifying to him.

He's not getting it else where. It's more like he's asexual. If I thought he was unfaithful I'd be long gone. Most people who know us think we have a perfect marriage. That just makes me feel lonelier.

@VladDracul I'm not gonna cheat. I'd divorce before I did that & I'm not going to divorce.

I was hoping for suggestions to get him more interested in anything. If I ask he will cuddle me but nothing else. I hate that have to ask.
Forget about the ED, He is choosing to not be intimate with you in any way. Spare the sob story that he feels inadequate, unworthy, humiliated etc. The fact is he is choosing to not provide you any sexual satisfaction is on him 100%. There are many many other ways to be intimate and please a woman. He has been and continues to do nothing. That is the main take away. I think you should reconsider you aversion to divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,126 Posts
@VladDracul I'm not gonna cheat. I'd divorce before I did that & I'm not going to divorce.
That's just an option melady. Some exercise it; some don't.
D0nni, how old is your husband? Am I understanding that his ED happened after you married?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,425 Posts
Does he hold your hand, cuddle and kiss you at all? If there's no sex AND no other affection of any kind, that would be very hard to live with.

Is the ED a new problem or recent?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,844 Posts
I don’t like shoe shopping but my wife does. I do it for her. If I had no feet I would still go with her.

ED is not the end of sexuality. You husband has no care about your basic relationship needs..... it’s that simple. One online trip to LoveHoney is all it takes to find more fun than the bedroom can handle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,210 Posts
The problem isn't just ED. I would be willing to bet the guy has ultra low testosterone. Not only will low test cause ED but the pills won't work because you still need to be aroused for the sex pills to work, and with low test, he is not getting aroused. Have any of those doctors suggested a testosterone check? He needs to be on TRT. That will bring everything back, not just the erections, but the desire also.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,294 Posts
I guess if he's gone to all these doctors and they haven't yet done a testosterone panel, then that should still be done. But I bet they've tried it.

I had a bf who wouldn't even TELL me he had ED and would come around regularly and avoid having sex with me. He told me years later after therapy. I thought I had gone delusional and was just imagining our relationship, and he let me think that. Grrr.

He did get over it (with therapy and was married by then). His was some trauma causation. It's even possible a physical accident may have also affected him. He had run into a saw down his leg or thigh thereabouts at some point.

Anyway, men with ED just want to avoid sex altogether. The most this guy would do with me is like play-fight or wrestle.

Seems like men have their whole identities wrapped up in their penises. It's hard for most women to fathom. If their penis is a failure, I think they just feel like a failure too.

I know you and your husband have always been close and have an otherwise good relationship. I don't think it has to do with him being punitive towards you at all. I do think therapy might benefit him because even if it never started out that way, by now with the ED, there will be an emotional component to it. There may be one going way further back than that he needs to get to the bottom of as well. Therapy would be uncomfortable for him. I think he needs to go alone to a psychologist. And then once he got comfortable or felt he was making any progress or that they were guiding him to find things he needed to think about, then maybe work you in and your needs. But it's a long road.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
I've never had an incident of ED ever, but if I did suffer some form of permanent or chronic ED, it's about a 100% chance that I would give up sex entirely...I know it sounds selfish, perhaps, but it's just a complete end of the line for a lot of guys...I can't say it's that way for all men, obviously, as you see even on this thread that there are guys that would just give a woman whatever she wanted, but what good is it if you can't do the one thing that is most important as a man?? It would be crushing....and just the mere anxiety of will work or not, alone would probably kill any feeling I ever had...But that's me....and I think a lot of others...So please...some of y'all have to stop ragging on this guy or any other for this...If it works for you, great, but it doesn't mean the guy is a horrible person or anything...
\
Oh, and here's another thing...I don't know how many women he's been with, but if I had a nickel for every time a woman complained that some ex couldn't get it up, then I could stack nickels for miles...So now that guy falls in that category, so how can he ever feel any good about being intimate with a limp pecker?? And all of these women that say they don't care, well...I don't know any... 😂

As for therapy, it's fine if he attempts it on his own, but the minute you start pressing him to go to therapy, then forget it...All its doing is adding to the pressure to do something he isn't willing to do of his own accord and all he will do at that point is placate you and get you off his back for a while...

I don't know what advice to give in this situation...Who knows what's going on in his head, maybe he isn't into women or just isn't into sex?? Who knows?? If you don't want to divorce or find a guy on the side, then accept it and get yourself off...get as many toys as you want, and use porn if that floats your boat...I doubt this will get better....I hope I am wrong, but I can't see that based on your story....

Good luck,..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
195 Posts
"Our sex life wasn't great before marriage" is a big red flag.

A lot more to this picture for sure. Some questions ...

1. How old is he? How long have you been married?
2. How is his physical fitness --and how is your's? Are you both very overweight? What about diet and exercise?
3. What about his relationships before you got married? Did he always have sexual issues with women, or just you?

I am suspicious about his sexuality. He has tried drugs, seen doctors, etc., and it hasn't worked? That means it might be psychological.

But if he is very overweight, and in poor health, that wrecks bedroom performance. He would need to get on a serious diet and exercise regiment.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,984 Posts
Give him regular testosterone injections and have a 3 piece inflatable penile implant installed.

The pump is internal and replaces one of the testes in his scrotum.

Nothing is visible.

This is the last case scenario of what is possible.

But, he must want this.....

And you, as his wife must support this. Many women don't like the thought of such a thing.

My cousin is a Urologist and I heard him give that advice to some guy at a party. This was five years ago.
I would imagine they have perfected those pumps.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,844 Posts
Give him regular testosterone injections and have a 3 piece inflatable penile implant installed.

The pump is internal and replaces one of the testes in his scrotum.

Nothing is visible.

This is the last case scenario of what is possible.

But, he must want this.....

And you, as his wife must support this. Many women don't like the thought of such a thing.

My cousin is a Urologist and I heard him give that advice to some guy at a party. This was five years ago.
I would imagine they have perfected those pumps.
When I get old I gotta have one of those with a compressor and Mrs. Married can turn it on via Bluetooth with her phone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,283 Posts
I am going to disagree with those that say the ED isn't behind his lack of non-penetrative intimacy.

I have enough interaction with the medical field on a daily basis to understand that not only do psychological/psychiatric problems play a role in many physical symptoms/diseases, but that in turn many physical diseases play a role in psychological/psychiatric problems. I've seen firsthand the kind of mental and emotional toll that medical conditions have on peoples' emotional/psychiatric/marital health and well-being.

With all due respect to @CharlieParker , although it's great that pills worked for you, there are a significant percentage of men in whom ED medications are not effective. That has the potential for utterly destroying the man's self-image and self-worth. It would be all too common to just avoid intimacy altogether. Is that a good route to take? Of course not, because the lack of intimacy also leaves the partner frustrated (as it does in this case), and still erodes the relationship. But it's all too common a reaction.

This is very different that the spouse that just denies sex to their partner. In this case, the guy almost always WANTS to be able to have sex, but CAN'T, and the psychological/emotional fallout is just too great. So instead he goes into avoidance mode. It is so hard to start cuddling, foreplay, etc., when he knows he can't have penetrative sex. It would serve as a burning reminder to him of being "less than a full man".

What he needs more than anything is individual AND marital/sex therapy. Is it possible that he is just asexual/low drive? Theoretically, but in the setting of lack of ABILITY, it is hard to make that conclusion, and I certainly wouldn't do so without giving individual/marital/sex therapy a shot first. His willingness to see doctors, fertility specialists, etc. that the OP revealed, however, makes me suspect that it is really the ED, not being asexual. He was willing to seek help on a physical level. Unfortunately, it is all too common for people to be resistant to any sort of psychological counseling-- for many conditions, not just this. In fact, there are potential downsides to doing so in some areas of life (certain types of employment, firearms permits, etc.), because ALL psychological/psychiatric therapy gets lumped together with a broad brush.

I think there is a chance he may be able to come to terms with his situation with proper counseling, especially individual therapy AND sex therapy. Depending on his particular circumstance, an implant may be an option, but he would have to be psychologically ready for it. It is sad to read the OP state that her husband refuses to go. I'm not sure the best approach to use to get him to change his mind without knowing more specifics about him, and what approach has been tried before.

And, as a side note, I think it is absolutely shameful that many or most insurances will refuse to cover ED medications. It is just as important to a man's---and a couple's---psychological well-being as any psychiatric drug. It is now mandatory to cover birth control medications for women, but no one addresses the obvious hypocrisy of not covering the ED medications for men.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,752 Posts
I thank God that even at 56 , I’ve never suffered from ED. I think your husband is probably in a deep shame. He probably avoids giving other forms of affection because he fears it will trigger you to want what he’s not able to give.

As another TAMer mentioned, we men can tie a lot of our worth to being able to please our woman, and not being able to perform, I’m sure your husband feels less than so e avoids the whole thing. Kind of ostrich with head in the sand. he has no idea that he’s ripening you up for the taking.
 
1 - 20 of 68 Posts
Top