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The thing is they all started out great. They don’t show the true colors until later when they feel like it won’t run me off.
This is after I go into great depths to explain what I expect and what the deal breakers are.
Life is too short for this type of drama.
You say that your parents treated each other with dignity and respect. You issue might be that you entered the dating world thinking that way your parents are is the way all people are. Basically you were not prepared for how rotten some people can be. You were sheltered.

Take what's happened as a lesson, an important one. Set strong boundaries for yourself and then enforce them. The first time a woman crosses one of your boundaries, end the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #102
Quoting this because it is perfect. Read it over and over again until it sinks in.

Lake, be honest with yourself. First you say there were no issues. Oh, but then, there were 2 instances of her bad behavior where she apologized and you thought maybe she would get better. Oh, but here you are on unacceptable incident #3! Are you saying "No" to moving on and finding a good partner? Doesn't look like it. Instead you are here complaining and saying you're not ready to make a decision. Hell, you even acknowledge you wasted far too much time going through this with your exwife and yet here you are! Putting up with it again!

Do you seriously believe it's going to be different this time? Twice your girlfriend has been extended your grace and failed to change. She's not even apologizing this time because she knows you will keep dating her even if she doesn't take responsibility for the outburst. Here you are - still dating her with no concrete plans of breaking up. Do you see this pattern starts and ends with YOUR choices? Not hers. Not your exwife's. Not any other exgirlfriend's. They didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to stay with them despite them treating you like crap over and over again. You made that choice. Take some accountability this time. If you sincerely want to stop being verbally abused, BREAK UP with this verbal abuser and break up with the next one and the next one until you find a healthy partner. 6 months is nothing if that's how long you spend to learn your new girlfriend is just like the rest of them. The only thing worth than staying 6 months with an emotionally abusive partner is spending 6 months and 1 minute with them. Step up and make it end today. Stop wasting your time.
Quoting this because it is perfect. Read it over and over again until it sinks in.

Lake, be honest with yourself. First you say there were no issues. Oh, but then, there were 2 instances of her bad behavior where she apologized and you thought maybe she would get better. Oh, but here you are on unacceptable incident #3! Are you saying "No" to moving on and finding a good partner? Doesn't look like it. Instead you are here complaining and saying you're not ready to make a decision. Hell, you even acknowledge you wasted far too much time going through this with your exwife and yet here you are! Putting up with it again!

Do you seriously believe it's going to be different this time? Twice your girlfriend has been extended your grace and failed to change. She's not even apologizing this time because she knows you will keep dating her even if she doesn't take responsibility for the outburst. Here you are - still dating her with no concrete plans of breaking up. Do you see this pattern starts and ends with YOUR choices? Not hers. Not your exwife's. Not any other exgirlfriend's. They didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to stay with them despite them treating you like crap over and over again. You made that choice. Take some accountability this time. If you sincerely want to stop being verbally abused, BREAK UP with this verbal abuser and break up with the next one and the next one until you find a healthy partner. 6 months is nothing if that's how long you spend to learn your new girlfriend is just like the rest of them. The only thing worth than staying 6 months with an emotionally abusive partner is spending 6 months and 1 minute with them. Step up and make it end today. Stop wasting your time.
I’m done. I’ve given her more time than she deserves.
Last night I asked her what her plans were for dealing with her her anger problem. I asked if she’s ever been to counseling.
Told her I was willing to work with her to find a solution.( I should also mention she has 2 strikes at her job for anger issues)
Yet she still holds to thinking she is justified in her actions.
Tries to turn it around on me.
Just as I was about to tell her it was over my neighbor knocked at the door for help with starting his car.
So I plan to tell miss perfect I’m done tonight.
 

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I’m done. I’ve given her more time than she deserves.
Last night I asked her what her plans were for dealing with her her anger problem. I asked if she’s ever been to counseling.
Told her I was willing to work with her to find a solution.( I should also mention she has 2 strikes at her job for anger issues)
Yet she still holds to thinking she is justified in her actions.
Tries to turn it around on me.
Just as I was about to tell her it was over my neighbor knocked at the door for help with starting his car.
So I plan to tell miss perfect I’m done tonight.
Aren't the two of you living together? What's you plan? Are you moving out? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?

I ask because the way she's acting, it could get ugly when you tell her that it's over. Her response to you, not acknowledging that her behavior is not ok and her turning it on you, is a concern. You need to be prepared just in case she escalates the situation.
 

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Starting with my x wife and most of the women I’ve dated at some point ( I’m about to end a 1yr relationship)
Think they can blame me for something then fly off the handle and think I’m going to put up with it .This has happened on several occasions. Lashing out for no good reason.
Is every woman like this ?
Is this what happens when the “crazy starts to leak out of the box “
I’m really disappointed, sad , hurt ,
Even a little mad. I thought I found the woman of my dreams.
Now a whole year wasted. Life is short.
Is there a good stable woman out there ? I’m at a loss.
The ones blaming your picker are right. But, it is not straight forward.

We all have some crazy. And, you taking out your crazy on her would be terrifying.

Your picker hastwo roles, one is choosing, one is being chosen. What you are selling to them is someone who can take on their crazy.

As a gross generalisation, your ideal relationship might be one where both take responsibility for their own happiness and both do what they can to help the other achieve that. There are many women out there for whom, when they say "I love you", they are saying "my happiness is now all your responsibility".

And, when they are not happy, despite them generously giving you so much responsibility, they will be hurt and angry. But, still want to stay, waiting for you to grow up and take responsibity for their happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter #106
Aren't the two of you living together? What's you plan? Are you moving out? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?

I ask because the way she's acting, it could get ugly when you tell her that it's over. Her response to you, not acknowledging that her behavior is not ok and her turning it on you, is a concern. You need to be prepared just in case she escalates the situation.
We are long distance but I get a lot of time off from work.
We still maintain separate houses.
I should also add she has been Widowed for almost 3 years.

Here’s how it went down.

Let me back up a couple days in time.
After a couple of conversations where I told her that I felt her outbursts were very disproportionate to the situation. I brought up the topic of her missing her deceased husband and asked if she had dealt with the grieving process.
She said she missed him at times but thought she was fine.
I told her she was the only one who could explain the anger she displayed.
I told her if she didn’t come up with a solution I was going to end the relationship.
She pretty much “took it with a grain of salt “
The next day was when I called and told her I was ending the relationship. I saw no future for us.
To my amazement she did the 180 and said she thinks she needs some grief counseling and the outbursts could the result of her not being ready for me to take the place of her deceased husband.
So either we have a major breakthrough or I’m being played by a master manipulator!
I’m gonna hang on and give her a chance. I’m in this a year , another week or 2 won’t hurt.
 

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Keep track of the time.

Whatever it is, she was able to hide it for the first 6 months.

Even if it is something as easy to sympathize with as losing a husband, she is the only that can step up and do the work to process that and find a healthier way of being.

As someone once wrote, “When I give you my strength, I make you weaker.” Seems there is a difference between giving someone support and concern, and giving someone a free pass to behave badly and harmfully.

Would be interesting to know if her problems at work started before or after her husband’s death.
 
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They do it because they know you will take it. It starts irritating the hell out of them once they learn they can’t depend on you to be a leader and someone who takes control. They realize they are the ones who have to be responsible for everything and then the *****ing starts. It can be about anything and even seem unreasonable... but the fact is that she has learned your Not going to step up and be ...... a man.

Sh!t testing .... you failed
this is exactly correct.
 

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This has been something I have had to personally work on. I was a lasher outer about small things. I have learned that I have extreme anxiety and that was my MO. My husband wouldn’t stand for it and called me out, which in the moment really bothered me because I would have hoped he would have more compassion for me. My son witnessed his step-father call me out and started to do the same. And wow, what an eye opener to my behavior that was. For work I often use the expression “Your failure to plan does not equate to my emergency” and I think this applies here. My anxiety isn’t an excuse to pile it on someone else.

If you love this woman I hope you give her a chance to change now that she has acknowledged it is a problem. I do slip still but I correct course and apologize pretty fast.
 

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I'm noticing a distinct trend of wives and girlfriends mistaking an adult "slow to anger" for weakness that needs abusing. I'd hate to think a woman is asking to be slapped down straight away. Same the other way around. If a husband mistakes his wife's forbearance as permission to abuse. This has got to stop.
Some people are very extrovert and make a big act of complaining, and to a laid back person this seems a bit out of order, but it's an act. From then on the laid back person either withdraws and seethes or snaps back and then there's a big ugly fight with only one winner.
Some women (and men) are very controlling and won't respect a man (or woman) who's confident in themselves. It's very easy for people to say just see the red flags and leave, but if you made a commitment or there's kids involved that option isn't so easy without hating a lot of other people and losing everything.
 
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