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Why do wives freak out if they catch their H's masturbating and try to shame their H's about it?

17K views 195 replies 53 participants last post by  BigDaddyNY 
#1 ·
If the couple has a good M, H is ready for sex anytime, couple sex is great and frequent, yet if W causes a drought...if W catches H masturbaing after she turns him down again...

What does the W expect to gain by saying I caught you! That's bad, your selfish, for shame...on and on!

She has her sexual agency. So does H. Simple.

What does a W expect to gain when she catches and tries to shame the H for masturbating?
 
#6 ·
Because marriage is still this ball and chain dynamic when it’s suppose to set you free from all the fake stuff. It’s suppose to be the realest thing you have. If my husband tells me a deep dark thought that shocks me, my first reaction is to be happy he trusted me with that. Whether we doing it that night idk, I gotta research. Lol.
but seriously, if you can’t be yourself and happy with your own thoughts around your partner then that’s really crappy.
 
#110 ·
Because marriage is still this ball and chain dynamic when it’s suppose to set you free from all the fake stuff. It’s suppose to be the realest thing you have. If my husband tells me a deep dark thought that shocks me, my first reaction is to be happy he trusted me with that. Whether we doing it that night idk, I gotta research. Lol.
but seriously, if you can’t be yourself and happy with your own thoughts around your partner then that’s really crappy.
This right here. When I was married, my husband swore he never masterbated. I'm not dumb, but I did believe him for a long long time. The amount of tail he caught nightly from me was more than he probably had combined in his whole lifetime, in our 15 years together. There was never drought for him so to speak. But he did travel a lot, and I noticed our data going WAY up, sure enough, insert mega porn watching.

Well yeah "I watch porn, but I don't do anything." HA! Now that I would never buy, he sure did stick to his guns though. Lied and lied and lied. The saddest part of it all, I was just hurt, because for years I'd attempted to get him to do it in front of me, he never would said he didn't like it, ect. I wasn't mad he was doing it, I was upset I wasn't a safe space for him.

If I'd ever caught him... WOOOOWEEE I would have lost my mind! Not in a yelling screaming fit of rage but excitement lol. Anyway, that was never meant to be a thing. Hopefully a future partner will not deny me that part of him, but who knows?
 
#7 ·
She freaks out because one of her control mechanisms is being bypassed and your masturbation is an outright display of a perceived failed part of marriage which raises her guard and self reflection. The only option becomes to shame you for it.

Your statement puts all women in the same bucket. I’m going to assume you meant to say “SOME women “
 
#10 ·
She freaks out because one of her control mechanisms is being bypassed.
Seems that's common. So let her freak. Don't get hostile in your response but don't act like it's anything unexpected, agree she has her sexual agency and you have yours, stressing you want sex with her and she has the right to say no and equally you have the right to say to say yes, I'll take care of my own desire for sex.
 
#14 ·
The premise is it's not affecting their sexual couple frequency and he's ready for sex with her anytime.

Yet W most commonly still try to shame H.

You've got some sort of answer in mind. I know you do. Can you share, even hypothetically? Say responding for a friend?
 
#12 ·
Honestly I can’t even help but laugh thinking about being caught masterbating and my husband trying to shame me. I feel badly people go through that but I really think I would throw the covers back and finish right there in front of their eyes. Ugly O face and scrunched up toes and all. Zero shame in masterbation. It is healthy for you. Feels good. Goodness
 
#13 ·
LOL...some women are so damned pathetic.

Whether they caused 'the draught' or not, I'm always amazed at how women think they can control what a man looks at, what or who he fantasizes about, what stimuli he uses for his 'alone' time material if he's even "allowed" to use anything or look at porn, and whether he's "allowed" to masturbate.

I honestly can't believe any woman thinks this is a good or healthy idea to force on a man. And worse, how can any woman actually BELIEVE that nonsense when her man claims he's done exactly as she's demanded and thought ONLY of her? Yeah, I'm sure these guys are only fantasizing about their demanding wives/girlfriends and not the blonde in accounting or the hot brunette in that science fiction movie, and they never go out to PornHub when they have an extra 15 or 20 minutes alone. 🤣🤣🤣

The whole thing is preposterous.
 
#16 ·
LOL...some women are so damned pathetic.

Whether they caused 'the draught' or not, I'm always amazed at how women think they can control what a man looks at, what or who he fantasizes about, what stimuli he uses for his 'alone' time material if he's even "allowed" to use anything or look at porn, and whether he's "allowed" to masturbate.

I honestly can't believe any woman thinks this is a good or healthy idea to force on a man. And worse, how can any woman actually BELIEVE that nonsense when her man claims he's done exactly as she's demanded and thought ONLY of her? Yeah, I'm sure these guys are only fantasizing about their demanding wives/girlfriends and not the blonde in accounting or the hot brunette in that science fiction movie, and they never go out to PornHub when they have an extra 15 or 20 minutes alone. 🤣🤣🤣

The whole thing is preposterous.
My goodness, you must be my long lost sister from another mother.
An exact great response that if lived removes just so much stress.
 
#15 ·
Not an issue in my marriage but from what I've heard from others:

She's a control freak, the "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either, even your hand", she thinks he should only feel pleasure while having sex with her, she's jealous of a hand, she doesn't like porn, if he doesn't use porn she doesn't trust that he's thinking about her, she thinks masturbation is wrong thanks to a religious nutjob upbringing, feeling inadequate (can't match his sex drive, can't compare to him doing his own thing, etc) and freaking out on him rather than doing something about it.
 
#20 ·
Not an issue in my marriage but from what I've heard from others:

She's a control freak, the "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either, even your hand", she thinks he should only feel pleasure while having sex with her, she's jealous of a hand, she doesn't like porn, if he doesn't use porn she doesn't trust that he's thinking about her, she thinks masturbation is wrong thanks to a religious nutjob upbringing, feeling inadequate (can't match his sex drive, can't compare to him doing his own thing, etc) and freaking out on him rather than doing something about it.
And how harmful to a M. That W is creating avoidable problems in the M that takes up space in both partners mind every day. Like maintaining an on ramp to let's make our whole M harder.
 
#21 ·
I'm hoping some good will come from this for some present or future couple that will realize that if they have a great sex life...

and if either spouse masturbates here and there.....if you freak out it becomes a problem multiplied a thousand fold but if addressed as normal the imagined grief slips away without creating a multitude of problems that are unnecessary.
 
#22 ·
.....What does the W expect to gain by saying I caught you! That's bad, your selfish, for shame...on and on!

......What does a W expect to gain when she catches and tries to shame the H for masturbating?
Two thoughts. First, you can only be shamed, if you allow yourself to be shamed. That means you must want to hide what you are doing and not acknowledge it as normal and healthy.

Second, if she doesn't like it, you need to ask her why not guess. Does she take it as a sign of her own sexual failure? Does she view it being not faithful to her and your being able to find pleasure without her? It could be frightening to know she doesn't have a monopoly on you sexual happiness.

I would say that the best thing to do, if "being caught," is to ask her if she would like to join you or lend a hand!
 
#23 ·
Well put. Me too.
To comment on..
1. The H has no reason to be shamed yes, and he ALSO has to not let his W try and make him feel shame or the accept from her the common ( oohh gross how could you..).

2. The H being chill about it is a necessity. Her expressing her hang ups is her.

3. She'll need to address her realizations she doesn't have sexual control over H when she's saying no to sex. H being chill helps that.
 
#31 ·
I wouldn't use the term getting caught, rather interrupted. If I want some me time I'll announce it. She is always welcome to join from the start to watch or to assist, passively for eye candy or more actively. If I don't explicitly request her company it's her choice and whatever is fine, just don't interrupt.
 
#41 ·
I get you but consider this.
My rules, if I feel the need, never in the shower or bathroom and never with door closed in my office or wherever. It's my (our) house I'm not a teenager anymore.

Everything in the open eliminates breeding concerns of any texting, chats, sexting, on and on.
What many folks may not realize is that the idea of going behind closed doors is the thing that builds fear of unknowns to a spouse. Either spouse.
 
#47 ·
And I'm thinking you're confident enough with your own sexuality when you know when H is doing it in another room you're not freaking out over it.
Hopefully H doesn't feel you are making him hide it in a bathroom like a child.
 
#48 ·
It gets to a point where you have to recognize that you are no longer what he wants and he's going to go outside the marriage. If he's using porn then that means he's at least not always going outside the marriage with a live woman, so he has the character to at least not sleep around in an obvious way. For this, he deserves gratitude because as we've seen that is NOT what is expected of him.

The proper thing to do is NOT shame him, NOT say anything, pretend you don't know and detach yourself emotionally from him. The "please pick me" dance after you find out how he really feels is only going to make you less attractive. He doesn't need or want you any more, so just shift your relationship away from sexuality. The next step is offering an open marriage. If you can't do that, then offer divorce. He'll be relieved either way.
 
#65 ·
Do you mean to say if he masturbates he doesn't want you anymore? That's not the gist or the reasons for masturbating I'm talking about, just in case that clarification is helpful.

The focus is there's a good sexual relationship ie plenty of good couples sex going on, he never turns down a romp with his W, that's first, but does masturbate time to time if W isn't in the mood and he is. And vice versa of course.
 
#68 ·
How often do you expect sexual activity? I mean honestly, if It’s good 3-5 times a week +, I guess I can see where a woman might feel a bit put off. If we’re talking more than a week with nothing, that would be different and how old the person is. Not all couples want to be exposed to alone time. My opinion is most people probably aren’t thinking of their spouse when going solo so I’d rather not be part of yhat
 
#69 ·
Yes, but on the other hand, they also may not be thinking about any man or woman. They may just have an urgent urge. The woman may only be thinking about the vibrator, for instance. Not everyone fantasizes about people every time they get off.
 
#70 ·
For the same reasons they fall apart when he finally cracks and decides to get sex elsewhere when she's been rejecting him for decades...

Its a matter of control...Many women feel like as long as they have that asset, she can control him in some way....She has some sense of "power"......Once she sees that he doesn't need her for that aspect of his life, she then feels marginalized and subsequently has then lost her perceived power...I mean, if she doesn't want sex(or wants it very infrequently) why would she care all that much if he gets himself off?

I won't say this is true for all women, but many are this way....There really is no other reasonable or logical explanation...I would say that if two people have a hearty sex life it may draw a side eye or some level of disappointment, maybe, I dunno...Ill also admit that if one that if one is masturbating and not paying any sexual energy to the wife that is willing, then of course, its not going to go over well...but thats another story...

I dunno...No matter what the conditions, there is always a little shame involved with masturbation.. It may not be totally fair, but it is what it is..
 
#90 · (Edited)
Its a matter of control...Many women feel like as long as they have that asset, she can control him in some way....She has some sense of "power"....
Some wives think that nobody is entitled to sex and, if you have a different level of desire, it's up to the person with the higher desire to deal with it and cope with the low level sex activity. It has nothing to do with power... probably selfishness. Of course, you could get out of the marriage if you didn't like it. But that doesn't happen as often as you might think... :giggle:
 
#163 ·
Good ****ing lord. Some women :rolleyes: Must be quite the shock that men can actually think their wives are beautiful with cellulite, stretch marks, natural aging, etc. and without plastic surgery or fillers. But nah, we're all just lying about it.

My advice: Less money on fillers, more money on therapy.
EXACTLY! I thought my wife was gorgeous when she was pregnant and looked like she was having triplets. Couldn't keep my hands off her.

Same now, belly pooch and C-sec scar, stretch marks on breasts from past milk engorgement. Reminds me of her carrying our children and that she wanted to carry my child and all pregnancy hardship it entails. Makes me love her all the more
 
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