Talk About Marriage banner
81 - 100 of 132 Posts

Premium Member
Joined
5,733 Posts
No, she's not perfectly slim and cellulite free, I didn't explain it right I guess. She's beautiful and wonderful for a 60yo woman, and is also perfect to me in most every way as she is. 馃檪馃檪馃檪
Be sure you tell her you appreciate all her hard work to stay that way. Has she had surgery? Because I would love to hear about it.
 

Premium Member
Joined
2,545 Posts
If the couple has a good M, H is ready for sex anytime, couple sex is great and frequent, yet if W causes a drought...if W catches H masturbaing after she turns him down again...

What does the W expect to gain by saying I caught you! That's bad, your selfish, for shame...on and on!

She has her sexual agency. So does H. Simple.

What does a W expect to gain when she catches and tries to shame the H for masturbating?
That鈥檚 never happened here in 30 years, where 15+ would qualify as she鈥檚-no-desire-for-me or very close to it, but some years early on were good.

She once in anger made a crude comment about, well, let鈥檚 just say it would correlate with someone being careless with clean up, but it was ridiculous and not true. But it suggested resentment with me in general and/or of me taking care of myself, in line with other allegations that tend to get thrown at intimacy-starved partners such as 鈥渁ll you ever think about is sex鈥.

She wouldn鈥檛 be tempted to shame me for masturbating at this point; at least, conflict over our sexless marriage has waned, and in the silence about it that follows maybe it is easier for her to realize someone wanting sex and intimacy isn鈥檛 such a deviant after all; plus, she鈥檚 aware I may decide to leave. But, who knows.

She masturbates herself, afaik; always did, and in the good years wasn鈥檛 shy about limited discussions about that. For awhile, at least, she was open to watching porn as a possible way of getting her mojo back after feeling flat towards sex and having difficulties a few years postpartum. That鈥檚 to say, I don鈥檛 think she has had hangups about sex or masturbation generally.

From my experience, Im left thinking the only thing that could explain such protests and shaming as described in the OP is that the one protesting is immature, maybe not comfortable with sexuality, maybe genuinely feels shame herself about masturbation. I suppose it could also be a shallow attempt at controlling or hurting the other鈥. an expression of resentment, fresh anger, or maybe a desire to achieve victim status.

To answer another question posed, I鈥檇 be happy if she masturbates (and, I鈥檓 pretty sure she does). Even though we鈥檝e had sex, maybe, 2.5 times this year. Life is short, and people deserve to grab whatever pleasure they can, that doesn鈥檛 come at someone else鈥檚 expense. And, as odd as it may sound, I don鈥檛 think her pleasuring her self is costing me anything. The problem is something else.
 

Registered
Joined
6,928 Posts
Its a matter of control...Many women feel like as long as they have that asset, she can control him in some way....She has some sense of "power"....
Some wives think that nobody is entitled to sex and, if you have a different level of desire, it's up to the person with the higher desire to deal with it and cope with the low level sex activity. It has nothing to do with power... probably selfishness. Of course, you could get out of the marriage if you didn't like it. But that doesn't happen as often as you might think... :giggle:
 

Registered
Joined
1,082 Posts
Some wives think that nobody is entitled to sex and, if you have a different level of desire, it's up to the person with the higher desire to deal with it and cope with the low level sex activity. It has nothing to do with power... probably selfishness. Of course, you could get out of the marriage if you didn't like it. But that doesn't happen as often as you might think... :giggle:
I dunno if I agree.

IMO it absolutely IS about power. Otherwise she wouldn't care what/who you did or didn't do to get off. Sounds like she does. My apologies in advance if I am misinterpreting.

She's then left you in a position of " like it or lump it" that's a tactic that speaks of manipulation or control.

I know a lot of people may disagree, but if one partner abandons sex with the other, they have that right I suppose, but then by doing so, they lose the ability to be able to call any of the shots to decide what the other person does to fulfill that natural urge. Anything else would be really unfair and cruel .....02.
 

Registered
Joined
6,928 Posts
I dunno if I agree.

IMO it absolutely IS about power. Otherwise she wouldn't care what/who you did or didn't do to get off. Sounds like she does. My apologies in advance if I am misinterpreting.

She's then left you in a position of " like it or lump it" that's a tactic that speaks of manipulation or control.

I know a lot of people may disagree, but if one partner abandons sex with the other, they have that right I suppose, but then by doing so, they lose the ability to be able to call any of the shots to decide what the other person does to fulfill that natural urge. Anything else would be really unfair and cruel .....02.
Sorry, I had to edit my post not to make it all about my wife and my relationship, because I have seen this in many other marriages. My comment was general, not about masturbation, so totally OT and I guess we should leave it at that.
 

Registered
Joined
4,989 Posts
If the couple has a good M, H is ready for sex anytime, couple sex is great and frequent, yet if W causes a drought...if W catches H masturbaing after she turns him down again...

What does the W expect to gain by saying I caught you! That's bad, your selfish, for shame...on and on!

She has her sexual agency. So does H. Simple.

What does a W expect to gain when she catches and tries to shame the H for masturbating?
This is kind of a vague, convoluted question...if their sex life is so great, why would the wife cause a "drought"? And why would she shame him? I would think women with that attitude wouldn't want great and frequent couple sex...?

I think some women find strong male sexual desire gross and ridiculous. So when they see men needing to meet that physical urge, they view it as a weakness that he needs physical gratification. They think the way men need sexual release is pathetic and childish...they don't value male sexuality at all.
 

Registered
Joined
10,093 Posts
Discussion Starter · #94 ·
This is kind of a vague, convoluted question...if their sex life is so great, why would the wife cause a "drought"? And why would she shame him? I would think women with that attitude wouldn't want great and frequent couple sex...?

I think some women find strong male sexual desire gross and ridiculous. So when they see men needing to meet that physical urge, they view it as a weakness that he needs physical gratification. They think the way men need sexual release is pathetic and childish...they don't value male sexuality at all.
I agree with everything you're saying!
 

Registered
Joined
3,490 Posts
If you walked in you would probably want to participate, if she didn't want you to, would that bother you?
I would want to help her out or keep her company but if she didn't want me to, I might feel slightly disappointed at losing the opportunity but it wouldn't be a big deal. By losing the opportunity I mean it's never happened before and I know she wouldn't be up for anything later (if I even was, I'm normally not very HD). I know it's a lot easier for her alone than partnered and I get alone time, why shouldn't she. And who knows, maybe I'd just enjoy knowing it was happening.

And that's with us not having a "great and frequent sex life" or whatever was mentioned in the original post.
 

Premium Member
Joined
3,536 Posts
My wife doesn't freak out, although if she just walked in on me I suspect there would be some shock and embarrassment. For some reason that seems to be the natural reaction. This is probably TMI, but my wife doesn't walk in on me because I typically masturbate in bed next to her. Usually late at night after she is just too tired for anything. She has no problem with it if it isn't effecting her sexual needs. Lucky for me masturbation isn't needed very often since we have that kind of intimacy on almost a daily basis.

For the record I would love to walk in on my wife masturbating and she would NOT be shamed for it, lol.
 

Registered
Joined
197 Posts
I'm not married but in long-term live-in situation. I know he masturbates, he knows I do. We both joke about it, especially if one of us has to travel and we're away from each other--then we'll tease each other, like "how many times did you have to masturbate, not having me around?" Neither of us think it's that big of a deal. We also have a healthy sex life together. If I walked in on him masturbating I think the initial response would be surprise, but not disgust or anything like that. I'd just be surprised because walking in on a masturbating person is not a routine thing for me. When the surprise wore off I might offer to help.
 

Registered
Joined
344 Posts
My wife walked in on me a few saturday mornings ago. It just happened. Which is rare at age 61 for me to get hard like that. She said nothing. Not even joking about it. No "need a hand." Later, she said she actually thought I was pressuring her to have sex by jerking off. Like I planned it. Unreal. I explained that guys sometimes have no control over it. LOL, and I had to take care of things. Never expected sex with her at that moment. 28 years. Weird-o-rama ... PS I'd love to walk in on her using a vibe or her fingers one day. Any day. Any year. Told her that. No reply.
 
81 - 100 of 132 Posts
Top