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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all. I'm new here but have been stalking for a couple of weeks. I would love some advice regarding my situation which is like so many of yours on here. Our relationship has been complicated so I will keep it brief....

I am 38 years old, no children. I have been with my husband for 13 years...married for 8.5. I moved out December 10th because he said he wasn't happen anymore and the spark was gone. Since this has happened, he has continually lied to my face about so many things. He said there was no one else--turns out there was. I found out the hard way by doing a little investigative work. When confronted that I had seen his car in his ex-girlfriend's driveway--he lied and said it wasn't what I thought. Turns out it was an ex-girlfriend and someone he used to work with at his job. When I confronted him, I said "I thought you told me she didn't work there anymore". He told me that no, she left 3 years ago. Well come to find out today that she never left and has been working with him this whole time.

So, my question is...why do they lie? And why do they continue to lie even after all has been said and done and the cards are laid out on the table? My husband has made it clear I am out of his life and he wants a divorce. But he still will not admit to this girl being in his life. I have given him an ultimatum--work on this marriage or I'm cutting off contact. He will not give me an answer to what he wants. I don't know if he's not sure about this new relationship and is trying to keep me as his plan B? And for me just finding out the girl still works with him, he'll probably lie about that too. Why not just lay it all out and say he's moving on with her? Is it just guilt or trying to keep me around....
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yes I would say in his case---that's very true. I try to talk to him, discuss anything with him, question him about her...he runs away. It's getting old and I am going to have to be okay with not getting the answers that I want. Is it possible to move on without having all of the answers? By that I mean...when did the affair with the ow start, how much were you seeing her when you were still with me...etc. I feel like right now I will always be haunted by these questions.
 

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You may never get those answers. Thats the thing about being with a cheater. They lie and lie and lie. Even if its all out on the table,it never really is. For yrs I have felt like the plan b. Cheating sucks. And if you do get him to talk you will only get trickle truth. Everything that comes out of a cheaters mouth is a lie. If they say the sky is blue you better verify.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Wow...I never in a million years would think my husband would become such a pathetic, habitual liar. Could you give me some advice on how to handle the not knowing? My mind constantly wanders back to all of these questions. Every time I find something new out, I confront him again and am left with no results :-(
 

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I wish I could give you advice on that but im going thru it to. Someone told me when your thoughts dwell or wander then bounce them back to you. I never thought the man I made vows to would turn into this monster he is now. Even tho I know he is with OW he still lies about it and everything else! Makes no sense. He told me he was with OW then when we had a sit dwn talk he told me he just said it to make me mad! Wtf!? Ya and im a queen. I could vent for hrs on a cheater...
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I think my ex lies to make it seem like his life is better now that I am gone. What he doesn't understand is that I don't care. But, I agree that the lies are ridiculous. There's no reason to lie at this point.
 

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My STBX is a liar too. Not sure about PAs, but I'm pretty sure about EAs. Recently I decided "don't know, don't care" and told him I want a divorce. I feel so free not having to wonder any longer. I don't ask the questions you ask; I look to a future of not being mentally tormented. Don't know, don't care. (This is with other problems in the marriage too.)
 

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Possible Reasons:

They can't let everyone know what it's really like. They would look bad.
They are avoiding questions they don't have the answers for.
They have to convince themselves they are right.
They are afraid of the truth.
They are in denial.
 

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Pfffftttt......

Guys like that don't want to own anything...they don't want to take responsibility let alone admit to anything out loud. They have too much pride for that.

As far as how to get past it...that's up to you. Hasn't he controlled enough? Don't let him control your thought process. Learn to be content in the fact he is what he is. That's that.
Even if we got an answer we can still ask the 'why' ....the 'but why' ...to that answer ...meaning....the answers will never be good enough for our pain anyway. The answers will never suffice...so you see ...it doesn't matter. It doesn't.

He is what he is. It is what it is...he's done what he's done and he will do it again...because its who he is.

That's your info on him....now ...what are YOU going to do about it to heal That's the question....HM???
 

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Why do they lie?

  1. Because they can't avow the truth.
  2. Fear of being found out.
  3. Lack of conscience for God, spouse, family, and others.
  4. Self-serving, "cake-eating" attitude.
  5. Protection of self as well as their affair partner.
  6. No self-respect, or conversely living through "self-preservation" at all costs.
  7. Self-perceived "power trip".
  8. If AP is a co-worker, to protect the employment of both.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What am I going to do about it? I am going to start worrying about myself only, starting TODAY. No more contacting him for answers. I believe you guys call it the 180. I have already started the process...been working out every day, have lost 35 lbs, colored my hair, and I am feeling pretty good about myself. I start yoga this week. I am trying to put myself first and increase my own self-esteem so I can do better and be better.

I do have some questions about the 180. Is doing the 180 include NC? My plan is not to call, text, or email him starting today. But what if he contacts me? Is this when I am "too busy" or get back to him on my own time?
 

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But what if he contacts me? Is this when I am "too busy" or get back to him on my own time?
Absolutely! Provided only that you come to sense genuine contrition on his part, stay with the 180, telling him that you are busy trying to deal with more important facets of your life.

If R is to happen, it has to be joint effort, and must be done solely from the heart! Otherwise, you're just far better suited to move on!
 

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Even in the face of overwhelming evidence my exwife still would lie straight to my face. If I had any contact with her now I'd expect she would still be lying about it. They know its wrong what they did and just can't admit it to you or themselves. Sickening.
 

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I found emails at the beginning of the end of my marriage. My ex wife lied until I took pictures of the emails and texted them to her. Then the lying about the emails becomes admitting to them but they are harmless....they're only "friends" etc....

She lied until caught red handed then sugar coated it. After she left me two months later I told her she was leaving me for the guy in the emails.... She said " no I need space, etc..." well after the D she was with him, still tells ppl to this day she didn't leave me for him.


It's clearly due to them being selfish which is why they cheated to begin with. They don't want ppl to know the truth or else they wouldn't
Be able to live with themselves. They are trying to convince us as well as them to make them feel better.
 

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They lie, but if you think of all the small things you did know, it makes sense.
My wife has left, and she insists theres nobody else. But i already know. The staying out all night, getting so drunk she couldnt get home. The constant texting, on a phone with a pin number. Blind panic when her phone runs out of charge. Taking 7 hours to get ready for a night out, thats only supposed to be a catch up with friends.

It all adds up to her cheating. Look close, and you'll see the signs.
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