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From the Kinsey report link:

"The survey completed by Laumann and his colleagues was particularly revealing about the subject of sexual interest in the general population (as distinct from specialty clinics). Interviewers asked respondents: “During the last 12 months has there ever been a period of several months or more when you lacked interest in having sex?” Overall, 33% of women and 16% of men answered ‘yes.’ "

So lack of interest in sex is twice as high in women as in men. Who could have guessed that? :surprise:
And did they ask why they lacked interest in sex for that time period? That might be very interesting to know.
 

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And did they ask why they lacked interest in sex for that time period? That might be very interesting to know.
It would indeed be interesting to know why. Of course, the reasons given and the REAL reasons may not be the same. This is always a possible problem when you ask people versus observing them for periods of time, but it's seldom practical to carry out such long term observation as it is invasive.
 

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Now, is this in support of your regular claims that 50% of sexless marriages are caused by men? Really?
No, it’s an interesting article that I found that might help some people (men and women) realize that they need to communicate more about their sexual desires with their spouse.
 

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It would indeed be interesting to know why. Of course, the reasons given and the REAL reasons may not be the same. This is always a possible problem when you ask people versus observing them for periods of time, but it's seldom practical to carry out such long term observation as it is invasive.
True, but there are a lot of studies that do ask for that kind of info. Of course not everyone will tell truth. But most will. As it stands right now, the data is incomplete because it does not tell the reason why they the people did not want sex. They why is as important as not wanting it.


In the study that was done on about 4,500 men who did not want sex, the vast majority of men said that they did not want sex with their wives. Not that they did not want sex. And they listed many reasons, basically blaming their wives for them not wanting sex. It think it’s pretty typical in any marriage to blame the spouse.
 

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In the study that was done on about 4,500 men who did not want sex, the vast majority of men said that they did not want sex with their wives. Not that they did not want sex. And they listed many reasons, basically blaming their wives for them not wanting sex. It think it’s pretty typical in any marriage to blame the spouse.
Sometimes, the blame is well-placed. My ex usually rejected me, so eventually it was easier to stop initiating and reject her the rare times she was interested. I still wanted sex, just no longer wanted it with her - which is part of why I initiated a divorce.
 

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Sometimes, the blame is well-placed. My ex usually rejected me, so eventually it was easier to stop initiating and reject her the rare times she was interested. I still wanted sex, just no longer wanted it with her - which is part of why I initiated a divorce.
Yes, I can say the same thing. "Sometimes, the blame is well-placed. My ex usually rejected me, so eventually it was easier to stop initiating and reject HIM the rare times HE was interested. I still wanted sex, just no longer wanted it with HIM - which is part of why I initiated a divorce."

See how that works.
 

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Sex-Starved Wives

The below text is quoted from the article because I know that many will not click through on a link on a forum.

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I heard a joke the other day that goes something like this. A couple seeks marital therapy. The wife complains that her husband isn't interested in having sex. At some point in the middle of the session the therapist grabs the woman and kisses her passionately while she "oohs" and "aahs" with delight. The therapist then turns to the husband and says, "See, your wife needs this every Monday, Wednesday and Friday." The husband is quiet for a moment and then replies, "Monday and Wednesday will work, but I can't get her here on Friday. I've got a golf game."

This joke caught my attention because it had an unfamiliar ring to it: the husband didn’t want sex. We’re used to the standard jokes about desire-less women who prefer doing just about anything—cleaning out the freezer, paying bills or taking out the garbage—over having sex with their mates. But this was a new twist, a twist I might add, that has quite a bit of truth to it.

As someone who is in the front lines with couples, I have grown increasingly aware that women have no corner on the low libido market. In fact, based on my clinical observations and casual conversations with colleagues, I’d say that low desire in men is America’s best kept secret. After all, in a culture where virility is inextricably connected with masculinity, why would any man want to broadcast his drop in desire? Most of the data available on the incidence of low libido in men is based on self-report and estimates vary widely. Do we really know what goes on behind bedroom doors? I don’t think so.

Although it isn’t hard core research by any stretch of the imagination, I teamed up with Redbook Magazine to survey women about their views on their husbands’ sexual appetites. We found some interesting results. I will mention just a few.

Sixty percent of the women surveyed said they wanted sex just as much, if not more, than their husbands. The majority of low desire men are unwilling to discuss this issue with their wives and resist seeking help from doctors or therapists. They also won’t talk to their buddies about it. (It’s hard to imagine a guy walking into a locker room, telling his friend, “I really wish my wife didn’t want sex all the time. I hate that she thinks of me as a sex object. And another thing…why can’t we hug without her thinking we have to have sex? She just has a one-track mind.”) Men’s unwillingness to openly discuss this matter leaves women feeling exasperated, lonely and hopeless.

Another interesting point is that the person with lower sexual desire (in this case, the husband) controls the frequency of sex. He has the veto power. Not only that, he expects his wife to accept it, not complain about it and to remain monogamous, an expectation that is bound to backfire over time. The survey also suggested that there is less sex in marriages when the husband has low desire than in marriages where women are the ones who say, “No.” That’s because, in our culture, men are expected to be the initiators and when it is the wife who initiates but gets turned down frequently, she is more likely to give up than her male counterpart.

Another myth-buster revealed by the survey was what women said were the causes for their husbands’ lack of desire. Contrary to popular belief that the only reason a man would turn down sex is because “his machinery isn’t working properly,” or their wives are extremely unattractive, this just isn’t so. Men, it seems, turn off to sex for many of the same reasons that their wives do- emotional disconnection, underlying resentment or unresolved problems, depression, stress and so on. In fact, one of the most common reasons men reject their wives’ advances is that they feel their wives are critical or bossy. Nagging simply isn’t an aphrodisiac.

The problem is, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Are men turned off to being sexual because their wives complain, or do women complain and behave angrily because their husbands are physically and emotionally withdrawn? Ah yes, the infamous catch-22. And therein lies the problem. When there is a sexual divide, each spouse waits for the other to change. “If you are nice to me, then I’ll have sex with you,” or “When you have sex with me, I’ll be kinder to you.” You don’t need a degree in psychology to know that this sort of standoff is playing with fire. Stalemates make marriages go down the tubes.

And before I get nasty comments or emails about the fact that there are millions and millions of men who go to bed lonely,…. I know, I know. I have written extensively on this subject. For the record, I routinely encourage women who have little or no understanding about their husbands’ sexual needs to place more priority on their physical relationships. But now it’s time to nudge men who have shut down and turned off, to climb out of their comfort zone and reconnect with the women they love. Don’t you agree?
 

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That's what moving the goalposts really looks like.
Felt a bit like bartering, controlling, and an admission that there is no real desire for sex to satiate physical needs with that particular person. I guess the last part might be wrong to the extent that it could be there for someone else. In the end, I wouldn't want sex because I'd believe it was duty sex to pay a debt, and there would be no desire and no love in it.

I'd probably say, "Just forget it".

@turnera, don't think I am assigning all of these to you. I am not. I get that it was a reaction to hurt and frustration, but not true feelings for your spouse.



Is it possible the reason women want to get married is to have someone around to help out? I guess that is expected, but it seems like this kind of response would mean that's all that is wanted. I think men and women are very far apart on things. It's sad.
 

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Yes, I can say the same thing. "Sometimes, the blame is well-placed. My ex usually rejected me, so eventually it was easier to stop initiating and reject HIM the rare times HE was interested. I still wanted sex, just no longer wanted it with HIM - which is part of why I initiated a divorce."

See how that works.
Yes, it can go both ways. How often it happens may be interesting, but understanding why is the only thing that may help to fix it. And as far as I can see from what I've experienced and read, that understanding is seldom forthcoming, as are solutions.
 

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................................


Is it possible the reason women want to get married is to have someone around to help out? I guess that is expected, but it seems like this kind of response would mean that's all that is wanted. I think men and women are very far apart on things. It's sad.
To help out with what?

Being married is more work for many women, they often end up with a man/child.


Men and women are not that far apart, most of us want a partner to share life with. How is that different to what men want?
 

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No, it’s an interesting article that I found that might help some people (men and women) realize that they need to communicate more about their sexual desires with their spouse.
Phew, I was about to write you off as a total crackpot:wink2:

As far as some of your follow up suggesting poor communicating, yes. I'd describe it as a total lack of understanding about how the opposite sex thinks but communication is in there as well.

This came out of my wife's mouth within the past few years, as close to a direct quote as I can manage, " it's too bad that now my libido has shut off and yours has gotten higher " !!!!! WTF!!! She's turned me down a thousand times, how the hell can she hold that thought in her head at the same time?
 

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To help out with what?
Exactly! Each would have to take care of themselves if alone.



Being married is more work for many women, they often end up with a man/child.
I guess many men and women are pretty far apart on things?



Men and women are not that far apart, most of us want a partner to share life with.
Many women often end up with a man/child. I'm not following.


How is that different to what men want?
:circle: :confused:
 

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I do wonder if people comprehend how much damage frequent rejection does in a relationship (gender neutral here). I am not talking about an occasional no (i.e. you are sick, need sleep, etc..) but constant rejection (which at a certain point you have to believe it is meant to put down a person or exert control over).
 

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Being married is more work for many women, they often end up with a man/child.
So you are saying many men are just a bunch of overgrown children :confused: I am not saying there aren't some men out there like that, but by the same token there are some women out there who act like little girls. However, to imply that "many" men are this way is quite the generalization...
 

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And did they ask why they lacked interest in sex for that time period? That might be very interesting to know.
Amateur Social Sciences guy says...

While it would be great to add a variable in the female dataset to capture reason (QDA lolz) think about the male dataset, which would have its own reasons.

So, once the difference is observed and found to be statistically significant, then we look at the reason to see what factors are contributing to the difference.
 

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My generalized statement is that women grow up learning how to take care of a household while men grow up learning how to let his mom do it. So when each get married, chances are they'll repeat what they learned.
 

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I do wonder if people comprehend how much damage frequent rejection does in a relationship (gender neutral here). I am not talking about an occasional no (i.e. you are sick, need sleep, etc..) but constant rejection (which at a certain point you have to believe it is meant to put down a person or exert control over).
I didn't. If memory serves me, I didn't think about it much. You only think about it if you are horny. I wasn't.

What is hard for me to wrap my head around is that I loved her deeply. How can you love someone and not be horny?

I guess it's more than just simple rejection to have control? I know that some of it was the meds I was prescribed. Some of them messed with function, and some with desire.

I didn't know. You can only know this if you want to know.

If you both are too afraid to address those issues properly for your own personal reasons, it can certainly seem like it's done on purpose to control.

I asked myself what I was trying to get, if I was intending to control? I don't know. Some might say I wanted her 20 something year old daughter to get a job and move out. I did want her to move out, but the only thing her presence did was to stop me from pursuing her mother.

I wasn't that desirous, so it really didn't make that much difference to me, in the end. What it did do was to stop me the few times I was in the mood. Then, it took time again for me to get back in the mood to initiate. So, it wasn't a control thing, just an unfortunate circumstance.

Even communication wouldn't have done much to alleviate the situation. I wouldn't and didn't have any more interest after talking. Yeah, I knew I needed to get checked out. Again, if you don't have that desire and have trouble performing when you do, it seems like something you just can't do anything about.

I would have understood, yet hated it, if she divorced. I was broken by the infidelities. I am still affected five years later. She was dating and having sex while we were married.

How could it have been very painful for her? She wanted sex. She got it. She wasn't suffering because she was being chased by men who wanted her. I have difficulty wrapping my brain around that.

After separation, I would see her out on the back of someone's motorcycle once in a while. It wasn't the same guy. It was different men. All I am saying with that is, she was getting plenty of attention and service.

She didn't fall apart after. She became better off than I ever was or ever will be. It's tough to believe that the impact of rejection was that detrimental to her.

My conclusion is, what I did meant little to her. I meant little to her. Had I known, I would have tried to understand and then divorced, after an attempt to understand through counseling.

As it is, I will not and have not had sex since I last had it with her, over five years ago. I am still in counseling with a phd level psychologist. I will likely never quit until I'm dead.

Of course, I could be totally mistaken. I never thought she didn't love me before marriage. I didn't know she had this capacity in her. I never thought I'd be at TAM. I didn't even know there were sites like TAM.

Who knows what the future holds? I sure don't.
 

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My generalized statement is that women grow up learning how to take care of a household while men grow up learning how to let his mom do it. So when each get married, chances are they'll repeat what they learned.
IDK, when I grew up I was taught about being a man, to provide for and protect my family. Yes, maybe that didn't quite cover doing laundry, but to equate that as being a child is silly. Now, given these days where more and more women are entering the workforce, you could argue that less are growing up with the idea of caring for a household.

My post obviously wasn't directed at you, but if I had posted the opposite of what Mrs H posted as rationale for who has it harder in a marriage (the opposite being "Men have it harder then women in a marriage because many women are emotionally unstable and on any given day, hour, or minute you never know which emotion/personality you will be dealing with", I am sure I would be ripped to shreds over. Note, I don't believe this statement (at least not in the context of many to make it a generalization).
 
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