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Discussion Starter #1
Can't quite believe I'm acting like some kind of unpaid counselor.....trying to help my H answer the question why he has cheated on me, cos he doesn't seem to know the answer!

How can I know why he cheated...why would I know?
 

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If you feel like assisting your husband to understanding his misdeed and paving the way to full reconciliation as charity on your part then maybe therein lies the problem.
 
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Discussion Starter #3
is it normal though? I want to listen, I want to understand. But how can i give him the answers?
 

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If you're able to help him along, why would you want to pay a counsellor to do it anyway?

Besides, there's an incidence on here in which the marriage counsellor had an affair with the husband of the couple.

Caveat emptor.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
If you're able to help him along, why would you want to pay a counsellor to do it anyway?

Besides, there's an incidence on here in which the marriage counsellor had an affair with the husband of the couple.

Caveat emptor.
**** that's bad! Really bad
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Of course I want to help him / us, if we stand any chance of R then I need to know this can never happen again.

That is hard right now when he's looking to me for answers.....surely those answers come from within himself.

He knows deep down why he felt the need to make those choices, not once, but 3 separate occasions.

A little bit of soul searching, and a whole lot of honesty and he'll have his answer.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Watching and helping him get the answers might help you to come to terms with it and gain some basis of assurance that it won't happen again. If - and only if - your husband is genuinely remorseful.
How does anyone ever know if their H/W is truly sorry?

I can't get away from the 'you're sorry because I know about it' and I was never meant to find out. So it would have continued on know doubt, and still may do if the opportunity is there.

I am taking all those opportunities away from him, he will be going on no more work conferences where he sleeps away from home unless I'm there too.

But i bloody well shouldn't have to be with him to stop him screwing another woman!
 

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No you shouldn't - and the thing is if he wants to cheat again eventually he will. The fact that he's trying to figure out why is a good sign.

Read around here, you can find lots about what remorse looks like. It's taking ownership, it's being willing to be held accountable, it's complete and voluntary transparency, it's doing anything and everything you need, it's doing whatever is necessary to never do it again.

Being sorry is different than remorse. Sorry is wishing you could make it go away or take it back. Remorse is accepting that you can't undo it and resolving to yourself to do everything in your power to repair the damage you've caused and never ever do it again.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
No you shouldn't - and the thing is if he wants to cheat again eventually he will. The fact that he's trying to figure out why is a good sign.

Read around here, you can find lots about what remorse looks like. It's taking ownership, it's being willing to be held accountable, it's complete and voluntary transparency, it's doing anything and everything you need, it's doing whatever is necessary to never do it again.

Being sorry is different than remorse. Sorry is wishing you could make it go away or take it back. Remorse is accepting that you can't undo it and resolving to yourself to do everything in your power to repair the damage you've caused and never ever do it again.
I get what you're saying, but surely it is WH that needs the lessons in remorse, not me.

I can't for the life of me understand how he could do this to me, big headed maybe, but I thought he worshiped the ground i stood on......he certainly acted as though he did, but was that all a lie too? A big act.

Am I purely and simply not enough for him, not quite good enough?

I feel like a complete failure.
 

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I can't get away from the 'you're sorry because I know about it' and I was never meant to find out. So it would have continued on know doubt, and still may do if the opportunity is there.



But i bloody well shouldn't have to be with him to stop him screwing another woman!
Ditto.
 

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He is the one that needs the lesson - I was only trying to help identify it.

Take it from another guy who cheated on a perfect wife and family - it wasn't about you - I promise. It was about him - only him. I know that doesn't make sense and that's not the way is should be or is supposed to be - but that doesn't change it.

I don't know if it was all a lie or a big act or not. But I can tell you for me it wasn't. I loved my wife and I still do - fortunately she found her way to forgive me and move forward with me together. The fact that he cheated on you does not necessarily mean that it was all a lie or an act. It's his job to help you see that - he has to repair the damage he caused.

This is his failure - not yours.
 

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"three separate occasions"

With the same woman or three different women?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
"three separate occasions"

With the same woman or three different women?
separate occasions, once in 2006, once in 2008 and once 2011

different women, all sad women too by all accounts, all married with kids....whats wrong with people?
 

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The failure is definitley his, I know I'm there right now with perfect wife and family who I want to rebuild. It will be a hard slog but I'm prepared to do anything to repair the damage, I love my wife and family and none of it has Ben an act, the only act was trying to cover it up. Stay strong he will get there
 

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Discussion Starter #17
The failure is definitley his, I know I'm there right now with perfect wife and family who I want to rebuild. It will be a hard slog but I'm prepared to do anything to repair the damage, I love my wife and family and none of it has Ben an act, the only act was trying to cover it up. Stay strong he will get there
blah blah blah

we will see, if i can be bothered, because i'm all done in and nearly finished up!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
You can't. However, you might be able to help him find his answers.
I truly hope so. I cant bear anything more.....it would surely kill me off.

I can only do what I am able to, if it isn't enough, then it isn't enough and I will wrap it up quick!
 

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I truly hope so. I cant bear anything more.....it would surely kill me off.

I can only do what I am able to, if it isn't enough, then it isn't enough and I will wrap it up quick!
Incidentally my wife did counsel me after I had a breakdown after I revealed my (revenge) affair to her. She has a PhD in psychology, and is a trained counsellor.
 
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