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Why Did She Bother To Marry Me?

9K views 57 replies 31 participants last post by  Decorum 
#1 ·
I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753

After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.
 
#3 ·
I agree with this, 100%, and fell into that trap myself. Tried and tried to figure out what happened, where did I go wrong, etc., and drove myself to the brink of being nuts-o. So, I stopped. I have a lot of theories about my previous marriage and the "whys", but I'll never know for sure, and it doesn't matter. What matters is how I conduct myself now, what choices I make now (which haven't always been stellar, but hey, I'm human). Much luck to you, @sczinger, I hope you find your peace soon.
 
#4 ·
To use a term from Pirates of the Caribbean, it's a Fools Errand to chase some of these answers too deep, as has been pretty much said above. I think it's good that you are working on reflection and there's no harm in trying to find some of the whys and the truth but it will only get us so far because many of the decisions aren't based in logic or rational.

I to this day, as much as I like to try and help others, still look for 'answers' in my case as well but understand there's only so far I can go until it just makes no sense and the sooner you realize that, the better.

I catch good nuggets of info every now and then that really stick with me and pertaining to this, I read where people that are willing to commit infidelity, don't, a lot of the times, base their decisions on what's just, what's logical, what's right, etc. They base their decisions on 'feelings' and specifically how they are feeling at that given time and give in to those urges, entitlements, feelings. It's likely your EW, at the time, had a strong feeling to marry you and enjoyed it, convinced herself it was the right thing to do and it felt good at the time. Then she found other feelings and other things that made her feel good.

And that's just it. People that are strong and committed have feelings too but they factor in real life, logic and what the 'right' thing to do is. They attempt to work on things, communicate, give it all they have and understand, life, marriage, etc are not easy. It takes work, daily work. People that are ripe for affairs or conduct them make themselves believe that it should always be easy, you should always have those feelings that you get at the beginning of a relationship or else you aren't compatible, etc. That's what separates someone of great character vs. someone that lives on a feeling.
 
#13 ·
You wont move forward if you keep thinking like this. You will never have an answer, so don't torment yourself.
Not a truthful answer, anyway!
 
#7 ·
You were together for a long time prior to marriage,a wedding brings excitement and makes her center of attention. For many people after 8 plus years being together getting married doesn't bring a new level of love or commitment, it's a piece of paper, gifts and a fun day and distraction from the routines of life.

You've also got to quit focusing on things like this, you'll never find an answer you want. Quit recognizing dates like her birthday or 6 month anv of dday or wedding anv in future. They are just a day in the week. Quit dwelling. You must make to effort to stop, it's too easy to fall back into it. I wallowed and dwelled on the questions with no answers for too long myself and your going to come to the inevitable of acceptance that she did it, she did it because she wanted to. Stop fighting the inevitable.
 
#8 ·
You're a hot dude - she's the one missing out. I'm sure it smacks like crazy but there's a ton of other much more appreciative ladies out there who are going to enjoy your company and appreciate the person you are. I did read your backstory link and I think at the very least you can be glad the marriage was over as fast as it was. She wasn't a commitment person and certainly has no integrity since she was willing to break up someone else's relationship on top of her own. Frankly, she sounds like she has become a shallow, selfish person and you deserve someone who's going to rock your world every day.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Probably because of how it made her feel. How it made HER feel. That's the thing, it's not a good reason. You marry someone because you want to love them and give to them not because of how they make YOU feel.

The main answer is that though, it was always about her not you.

Just keep moving forward. It gets easier.
 
#10 ·
My opinion:

One has to make a decision how they want to live their lives AHEAD of time--not in the heat of the moment or moments (emotion). I will not cheat, get too drunk, drive while drinking, do drugs, steal, murder, etc.

Once on a wayward course the slippery slope is just too easy. So, decide ahead of time what you are going to do when placed in a difficult position and meanwhile develop the self-discipline to follow through--that's what integrity is. This is NEVER easy, but is a choice/choices.

Selfishness is too big a part of choosing the wrong path--I deserve, I don't deserve, fock him/her. Also, have a plan how do deal when these dangerous times/feelings arise. Figure out what you stand for so no one else can easily lead you astray.

Does this always work,of course not, but it is a start.
 
#12 ·
Perhaps your WW had been in an affair with this OM before she married you and you were her plan B guy so she may just have been a good actress. Something changed and the OM pushed more for her, possibly because she got married.

I suspect I was my WWs plan B, and had OM1 had money, stability or trustworthyness my WW would not have married me.

How has OM been dealt with?

Tamat
 
#19 · (Edited)
@TAMAT The OM/AP asked his wife for a separation. When she discovered all the emails and phone calls between the two of them, she told him NO!. She filed for divorce and theirs was final in April. Not what he wanted... Now he pays child support for the next 7 years for his 11-year-old daughter along with maintenance to his wife and he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret. Now there's a good foundation for a lasting relationship.
 
#14 · (Edited)
I have a slightly different theory I'll throw out there.

8 1/2 years is a long time to date and not get married..... unless you're teenagers. I hypothesize that she'd invested so much into this that she wanted marriage but secretly resented that you waited so long, or was just otherwise unhappy but didn't have the backbone to end things.

Then when you finally married she decided for whatever reason you really weren't that great of a deal. I know, if she felt that way why did she marry you?

I agree it's crappy but it's the sunk cost fallacy. You get fixated on what you think you want because you invested a lot into it but once you get it you start to realize you didn't want it that much.

Just my theory.

Can I ask why it took that long?
 
#15 ·
Look at what she did mate.

Would you do that to someone?

So where do you think the problem lies?

Btw, I would love to hear if any karma comes her way or that of the other man.
 
#18 ·
There's nothing you can do to change how she decided to live her life. It was her decision. It wasn't about you doing anything wrong.

You just married the wrong person. It's that simple.

Like I said before, she will regret it, and you will have the last laugh. The best part is though, by that time you won't care.
 
#20 · (Edited)
"he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret."
Maybe YOU should change that? A quick anonymous note to their HR department ...?

EDT: Sorry, just remembered her boss is the best friend of the owner, so no HR. Sorry about that. However, HE got no prize with her for sure. Karma will eventually smack them both.

I DO understand though you wanting to know so that you don't make the same "mistakes" in the future. The thing is, YOU didn't make any mistakes (other than not calling her on it when you caught her in the car "talking" -- your job or me type of thing).
 
#21 ·
Well, depending on the size of the company, and given that your divorce is final, I would go scorched earth on the two of them. Report them to HR, and let them try to subsist on unemployment. I have been known to recommend revenge of the highest order after something of this magnitude occurs in a marriage. Marriages are trusts. The two waywards used their positions in the company, and their spouses' trust in them to have their extra marital contact. Let them pay for that now. A little humiliation for both parties, and huge losses for each of them. I have told several clients to hold their water during divorce proceedings. Told them to not rat out the spouse, until it could do the most damage to that spouse. I had one WW who did carry on with the boss. She was the "Office wife", and they'd keep it under wraps when any other employee was around, however, she was seeing to his lunches, cleaning up his office, and according to her ex H, primping every morning for a year. All the things he did not get, her working on her appearance and doing all sorts of acts of service. When he found out, she pleaded with him to not out them. She would go quietly. No spousal support, and he kept their house, she even waived him buying her out. Her boss was on the hook for spousal, but they had no children. He was also paying off credit card debt, and a mortgage.

I told my client all through the seven months leading up to his decree, that he would keep his mouth shut. After the decree, we made an appointment with his attorney and we walked through the scenario, beforehand. The lawyer agreed that we would not incur any liability. He made a courtesy call to the boss' ex wife. Apprised her that he would be missing his spousal support shortly. She was OK as long as her ex suffered. SO....

One Monday morning, we make the call from my office. It goes directly to the director of Human resources at their company. We are in possession of their internal code of conduct. We quote paragraph, and chapter back to the director. We ask if she wants evidence, as we are quite prepared to show her confidential emails, etc etc. No need, the complaint is sufficient, as there have been unconfirmed charges made over the last little while, AND the two of them getting divorces just a few months apart spoke volumes.

We waited til nearly the end of the business day. I got the call from my client that his ex wife had just called. On another line, the boss' ex wife left me a message. Both of the ex-spouses were livid, and highly frustrated. The exWife wanted to know why he was so vindictive. Why would he want her to be penniless and alone? He laughed at her. He said that he would not be satisfied until he saw her begging on street corners. The exBoss was content to call his ex wife every name in the book, telling her over and over that she had just ruined him, and she could expect to NOT be paid that month. She sent him back a message that she would ensure that those payments get made. We waited until he secured other employment, at a vastly reduced rate, and then garnisheed the crap out of him. Unfortunately, I could only attach half of his pay.
 
#26 ·
I think OM is the best friend of the guy who owns the restaurant, but you really would achieve superman status if you have a idea how their Nemesis might transpire.

Please, please, please!
 
#22 ·
Sounds like she has a lot of issues.
The whole situation sounds like a lot
of crap. They deserve each other.
Run do not walk away from her.
Let them deal with this mess.
You found out early in the marriage.
You got lucky.
 
#23 ·
Like everyone has said, you just almost never know. It is really crazy to try and figure it out.

But one thing you can do IS not make the same mistakes. While I don't recommend my path to everyone, I did eventually find a SUPER great woman that I love deeply and loves me.

However, her and all the other GF's were on a really short leash. One shady thing, on bit of unnecessary drama, on hint of disrespect and they were history. Had to get rid of some really great ones.

But I can tell you that when you actually truly find "true" love, you just know it and it is the best thing ever.

It is the getting there that takes time. But the #1 rule for that, is not to put up with any type of BS from the relationship, not one drop...
 
#25 ·
You will never know the duration of the cheating, despite assurances from your ex. Her word means nothing.

As for why she would waste your time getting married and then moving on shortly thereafter?

You do realize that your mindset is not hers.

She is a selfish, entitled cheater. do you really want to understand that?

Move on, limit your financial hit and live well.

She is not worth any more grief from you.
 
#27 ·
Even when she was leaving she denied any affair. With all of the proof she continues to deny anything happened. Of course, now that both of our divorces are final both WSs say that they have become very close since they were both going through a divorce together. How convenient.
 
#30 ·
Now that you are divorced and all of it is engraved in stone, I highly recommend that they be outed to their company. Tell HR that you needed to wait until you had the decree in hand, however, bluff the hell out of them and say that you are considering litigation and publicly disclosing that the company was fine with promoting an atmosphere that led to the destruction of your marriage. Demand at the minimum that both be terminated for cause. (Cause you want their lives ruined). One of my clients went so far as to report her husband to his professional organization. He was an accountant, like me, and she engaged me after they split Apparently he started an affair with a client company's internal accountant. In our by-laws, that is a no-no of the highest magnitude, that is impacting negatively on the public perception of our profession. He was brought up before the council and stripped. Period. His XW provided the council with a lot of damning evidence. In order to re-qualify, he will have to return to school, then take the examination. That is an eight year process. The man is in his fifties. So, I am fairly certain that will not be in the cards for him. He, resented the hell out of his AP, and made her life a living hell. Misplaced projection if you ask me, as it takes two to tango. So, the AP is still working at the company. He is no longer the external accountant. His ex is living quite well. I do her taxes, and I noticed this year in her CC statement, that she was on two dating sites that cater to the over 50 crowd. I was bold enough to set her up with another client. He is one hell of a guy, firefighter who is getting really close to retirement. He has taken care of a disabled brother for a long time, and never got the chance to have a long term relationship. He bought a nice place to retire down in Florida, and I hope the two of them really hit it off. There is a little modicum of revenge in this as well. Her ex was to be charitable a chubby sack of fecal matter. My firefighter is a former gym rat, and as buff as you get. (He has worked me out a few times and it felt like my stomach was going up through my nose). Without a doubt, her ex is going to see a six foot-three body builder with his former wife and feel really inadequate. Hope so.
 
#35 ·
I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753

After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.
Sometimes the answer to is just what you pointed out , safe and secure once married = lazy and bored for some people. Hard to know why those people turn this way but I have seen it more than once. Sorry you are going through this lived it myself .
 
#37 · (Edited)
Oh, the restaurant industry. I am quite knowledgeable on this, as I dropped out of accounting for a year or so, to tend to an investment. I worked in the place and learned the business back and forth. Problem is, you have to be born to the business to be able to handle the work and the hours. After a year or so, I put mine up for sale, made a few dollars, and went back to what I knew. So, you want to hurt your ex and the POS that surround her? Restaurants live and die by reviews (unless this is a greasy spoon, that just has regulars-some finer establishments live off the Michelin stars) Start posting negative reviews on yelp, trip advisor, and every restaurant site there is. Give them less than one star and say the food tastes like dog turd. Couple dozen of those reviews and you will see a trickle of dollars bleed turn into a hemorrhage. That is when restaurant owners begin cleaning house. Oh, you had an affair? Well someone is pissed at you and is taking it out on me, so out you go! If it were me, I would enlist twenty of my nearest and dearest friends to make say five reviews each a day for a week. Put the MF out of business, then when it is all over, tell the owner that he lost his business because he employed your ex WW and her OM, so they had sex and he got fornicated in the deal.
 
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