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I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753

After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.
 

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I think in a lot of cases trying to understand "why" only brings more or a longer duration of grief. This is one thing that many never really get a closure on.
I agree with this, 100%, and fell into that trap myself. Tried and tried to figure out what happened, where did I go wrong, etc., and drove myself to the brink of being nuts-o. So, I stopped. I have a lot of theories about my previous marriage and the "whys", but I'll never know for sure, and it doesn't matter. What matters is how I conduct myself now, what choices I make now (which haven't always been stellar, but hey, I'm human). Much luck to you, @sczinger, I hope you find your peace soon.
 

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To use a term from Pirates of the Caribbean, it's a Fools Errand to chase some of these answers too deep, as has been pretty much said above. I think it's good that you are working on reflection and there's no harm in trying to find some of the whys and the truth but it will only get us so far because many of the decisions aren't based in logic or rational.

I to this day, as much as I like to try and help others, still look for 'answers' in my case as well but understand there's only so far I can go until it just makes no sense and the sooner you realize that, the better.

I catch good nuggets of info every now and then that really stick with me and pertaining to this, I read where people that are willing to commit infidelity, don't, a lot of the times, base their decisions on what's just, what's logical, what's right, etc. They base their decisions on 'feelings' and specifically how they are feeling at that given time and give in to those urges, entitlements, feelings. It's likely your EW, at the time, had a strong feeling to marry you and enjoyed it, convinced herself it was the right thing to do and it felt good at the time. Then she found other feelings and other things that made her feel good.

And that's just it. People that are strong and committed have feelings too but they factor in real life, logic and what the 'right' thing to do is. They attempt to work on things, communicate, give it all they have and understand, life, marriage, etc are not easy. It takes work, daily work. People that are ripe for affairs or conduct them make themselves believe that it should always be easy, you should always have those feelings that you get at the beginning of a relationship or else you aren't compatible, etc. That's what separates someone of great character vs. someone that lives on a feeling.
 

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You were together for a long time prior to marriage,a wedding brings excitement and makes her center of attention. For many people after 8 plus years being together getting married doesn't bring a new level of love or commitment, it's a piece of paper, gifts and a fun day and distraction from the routines of life.

You've also got to quit focusing on things like this, you'll never find an answer you want. Quit recognizing dates like her birthday or 6 month anv of dday or wedding anv in future. They are just a day in the week. Quit dwelling. You must make to effort to stop, it's too easy to fall back into it. I wallowed and dwelled on the questions with no answers for too long myself and your going to come to the inevitable of acceptance that she did it, she did it because she wanted to. Stop fighting the inevitable.
 

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I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753

After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.
You're a hot dude - she's the one missing out. I'm sure it smacks like crazy but there's a ton of other much more appreciative ladies out there who are going to enjoy your company and appreciate the person you are. I did read your backstory link and I think at the very least you can be glad the marriage was over as fast as it was. She wasn't a commitment person and certainly has no integrity since she was willing to break up someone else's relationship on top of her own. Frankly, she sounds like she has become a shallow, selfish person and you deserve someone who's going to rock your world every day.
 

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Probably because of how it made her feel. How it made HER feel. That's the thing, it's not a good reason. You marry someone because you want to love them and give to them not because of how they make YOU feel.

The main answer is that though, it was always about her not you.

Just keep moving forward. It gets easier.
 

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My opinion:

One has to make a decision how they want to live their lives AHEAD of time--not in the heat of the moment or moments (emotion). I will not cheat, get too drunk, drive while drinking, do drugs, steal, murder, etc.

Once on a wayward course the slippery slope is just too easy. So, decide ahead of time what you are going to do when placed in a difficult position and meanwhile develop the self-discipline to follow through--that's what integrity is. This is NEVER easy, but is a choice/choices.

Selfishness is too big a part of choosing the wrong path--I deserve, I don't deserve, fock him/her. Also, have a plan how do deal when these dangerous times/feelings arise. Figure out what you stand for so no one else can easily lead you astray.

Does this always work,of course not, but it is a start.
 

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Perhaps your WW had been in an affair with this OM before she married you and you were her plan B guy so she may just have been a good actress. Something changed and the OM pushed more for her, possibly because she got married.

I suspect I was my WWs plan B, and had OM1 had money, stability or trustworthyness my WW would not have married me.

How has OM been dealt with?

Tamat
 

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You wont move forward if you keep thinking like this. You will never have an answer, so don't torment yourself.
Not a truthful answer, anyway!
 

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I have a slightly different theory I'll throw out there.

8 1/2 years is a long time to date and not get married..... unless you're teenagers. I hypothesize that she'd invested so much into this that she wanted marriage but secretly resented that you waited so long, or was just otherwise unhappy but didn't have the backbone to end things.

Then when you finally married she decided for whatever reason you really weren't that great of a deal. I know, if she felt that way why did she marry you?

I agree it's crappy but it's the sunk cost fallacy. You get fixated on what you think you want because you invested a lot into it but once you get it you start to realize you didn't want it that much.

Just my theory.

Can I ask why it took that long?
 

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Look at what she did mate.

Would you do that to someone?

So where do you think the problem lies?

Btw, I would love to hear if any karma comes her way or that of the other man.
 

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Don’t bother trying to figure out what went wrong. It’s obvious she was not ready for commitment. Thankfully it was early in the marriage ! You need to find a woman who takes those vows seriously . I really feel like she did you a favor, you need a woman not a girl!
 

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There's nothing you can do to change how she decided to live her life. It was her decision. It wasn't about you doing anything wrong.

You just married the wrong person. It's that simple.

Like I said before, she will regret it, and you will have the last laugh. The best part is though, by that time you won't care.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
Perhaps your WW had been in an affair with this OM before she married you and you were her plan B guy so she may just have been a good actress. Something changed and the OM pushed more for her, possibly because she got married.

I suspect I was my WWs plan B, and had OM1 had money, stability or trustworthyness my WW would not have married me.

How has OM been dealt with?

Tamat
@TAMAT The OM/AP asked his wife for a separation. When she discovered all the emails and phone calls between the two of them, she told him NO!. She filed for divorce and theirs was final in April. Not what he wanted... Now he pays child support for the next 7 years for his 11-year-old daughter along with maintenance to his wife and he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret. Now there's a good foundation for a lasting relationship.
 

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"he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret."
Maybe YOU should change that? A quick anonymous note to their HR department ...?

EDT: Sorry, just remembered her boss is the best friend of the owner, so no HR. Sorry about that. However, HE got no prize with her for sure. Karma will eventually smack them both.

I DO understand though you wanting to know so that you don't make the same "mistakes" in the future. The thing is, YOU didn't make any mistakes (other than not calling her on it when you caught her in the car "talking" -- your job or me type of thing).
 
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