[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

So I had the gut feeling a few months ago, found a few things that made me suspicious of husband. I went a little crazy trying to figure out what was happening. Confronted husband told him I didn't trust him anymore after almost 14 years of marriage. I have felt like we have always had a pretty good marriage, 2 kids, do pretty well financially, steady sex life etc. Told him I needed him to take a polygraph test or I didn't think I could trust him again. Husband agreed to test but was very hesitant, morning of test husband admits to getting a hand job at a massage parlor while away for work. We talked, told husband I still needed him to go ahead with the test, he did, wasn't happy about it. I end up finding out that he had a ONS a few years after we were married, and has been to massage parlors 4 times in the last few years that ended with hand jobs. Polygraph tester told me that besides the above mentioned things he was truthful about nothing else happening.

The first week after discovering the news I think I was in shock, husband has been very remorseful, said he is willing to do whatever is necessary for me to forgive him and get past this. Agrees to go to marriage counseling, answer my questions truthfully, talk more, spend more time together etc. I felt really good last week, we talked a lot, spent hours talking etc.

This week has been much harder, I can't stop thinking about what he has done. I really want to know why this happened, he keeps telling me it had nothing to do with me and he is so ashamed of what he has done, but doesn't know why he did it.

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Part of the problem is him saying he doesn't know why.

If he doesn't know why how can he stop it happening again?

The real reason is probably poor impulse control and selfishness, thinking he wouldn't get caught etc.

But he would need to admit things like that to you, so you can work on a plan for you to feel good about your marriage.

Good luck.

 

[SadandAngry]

Yes, selfishness. It's ugly, he doesn't want to face up to it, but it is what it is. You'll be on a rollercoaster of emotion for quite a while.

 

[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

Thanks LittleDeer, that is what worries me most, if he doesn't know why this happened then how do I know it won't happen again. He says that after seeing how much this has hurt me he knows he won't ever do it again.

A few days ago, I asked my husband to really think about why he did these things, I wasn't going to take I don't know for an answer. I think our first meeting with the marriage counselor ended up messing up this for me though. I mentioned in the meeting that I didn't understand why he needed to cheat on me when I had tried very hard to make our sex life good for my husband. The counselor basically started answering the question for my husband, saying that the way men are naturally wired they have urges for variety, excitement etc. I was not impressed with the counselor and we are not going back to him, but I am also mad that husband had an easy out and ultimately agreed that it was most likely the excitement etc. I have asked again why he did it, and I get I'm not sure etc.

 

[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

Thanks SadandAngry, I am trying to prepare myself for the emotions. It is such a crazy experience, to go from being relieved to find out my suspicions were somewhat true, I had convinced myself I was making up things in my head and was feeling extremely guilty for the snooping I was doing, but then when the truth came out I felt validated. Then to realizing that even though I have always said if I ever found out I was cheated on I would be done, that I really do love my husband enough to try and get past this. To hating him so much, and not understanding how you could do that to someone.

 

[rrrbbbttt]

The MC you had gave justification to your husband while you were holding him accountable. Your husband needs to understand that this is not acceptable and that if you and him are going to R he has to do the Heavy Lifting and the lame excuse that men are wired that way does not hold water.

Be firm, and make sure your husband is completely open with you now.

Also, since he had a ONS need to get tested for STDs, can lay dormant for a long time.

Lay out what you expect from your H to him and do not waiver.

How they could do that to someone? Lack of respect for the relationship, taking you for granted, selfishness all these and more. Understand your husband will never ever be the man you married but he is now a different man with whom you may want to build a new marriage with.

 

[gemjo]

Thanks SadandAngry, I am trying to prepare myself for the emotions. It is such a crazy experience, to go from being relieved to find out my suspicions were somewhat true, I had convinced myself I was making up things in my head and was feeling extremely guilty for the snooping I was doing, but then when the truth came out I felt validated. Then to realizing that even though I have always said if I ever found out I was cheated on I would be done, that I really do love my husband enough to try and get past this. To hating him so much, and not understanding how you could do that to someone.

I felt exactly the same, suspicions lead me to snoop, i questioned my H and he denied he'd ever cheated on me in any way. Even went to far as to send me a very harsh email telling me how i'd never trusted him and that he'd never done anything, ever. It was a nasty defensive email which made me even more sure my gut feelings were bang on.

My H has spent a lot of time saying 'i don't know' or 'i can't remember'......it simply isn't good enough. If WS truly want to reconcile and are truly remorseful they will answer every question we ask, honestly, no matter how hard it is for them to say, and for us to hear.

I also said if i ever found out my husband cheated we'd be over, no second chances....it isn't that easy when faced with the dilemma...we have to consider the bigger picture, the children, the families, the finances.....and most importantly the fact we haven't stopped loving and wanting them.

All any of us BS can do, is try to do the best thing for us, our families and hope which path we take is the right one..... but we wont know if it is the right way to go for years to come. That is the reality of it.

It sucks!

Good Luck and keep posting, it will help you to vent.

 

[remorseful strayer]

Thanks LittleDeer, that is what worries me most, if he doesn't know why this happened then how do I know it won't happen again. He says that after seeing how much this has hurt me he knows he won't ever do it again.

A few days ago, I asked my husband to really think about why he did these things, I wasn't going to take I don't know for an answer. I think our first meeting with the marriage counselor ended up messing up this for me though. I mentioned in the meeting that I didn't understand why he needed to cheat on me when I had tried very hard to make our sex life good for my husband. The counselor basically started answering the question for my husband, saying that the way men are naturally wired they have urges for variety, excitement etc. I was not impressed with the counselor and we are not going back to him, but I am also mad that husband had an easy out and ultimately agreed that it was most likely the excitement etc. I have asked again why he did it, and I get I'm not sure etc.

It's unacceptable and unprofessional that this counselor is answering questions for your husband. How does this help anyone get to the root of the issue?

With your next counselor ask for disclosure about their own marriage. It should be solid with no cheating in either his or his spouses background. This would be a conflict and will most likely skew the counselors judgements and approaches in ways he/she may not be willing to acknowledge on a conscious level.

If you know the counselor had an affair or a spouse who cheated than you can make an informed decision about whether or not to use them. But a good counselor needs to disclose this. Better yet, a good counselor would realize their own background could harm their client and would recuse themselves and refer you elsewhere.

My guess is, if your husband is truly remorseful and exhibiting genuine shame, your husband MAY HAVE a sex addiction and compulsions. He needs treatment for this. Sweeping it under the wrong won't help him or you.

 

[Sestina]

I've been eating books on infidelity lately. Just read the fourth. Anyway, all of them are written by psychologists and all of them say that it is completely normal for the BS to have wildly fluctuating emotions--in the same day, or even hour. So what you're feeling is normal.

Maybe a new MC will help you get to the bottom of things. One of the tips in the books I've been reading is to try to figure out what set the stage for the A so you can endeavor to A-proof your marriage going forward (if you decide to stay).

Hang in there. I'm just over two weeks past D-Day and feeling a lot like you are. It's easily the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me and sometimes I look down at myself and marvel that I'm still alive. I hear it gets better.

 

[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

The MC you had gave justification to your husband while you were holding him accountable. Your husband needs to understand that this is not acceptable and that if you and him are going to R he has to do the Heavy Lifting and the lame excuse that men are wired that way does not hold water.

I totally agree, really made me mad after the fact, I am in the process of looking for a new counselor.

Also, since he had a ONS need to get tested for STDs, can lay dormant for a long time.

Fortunately I got tested a few weeks back because I of my suspicions, luckily I am STD free, thank god!

Thank you for the reply.

 

[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

Even went to far as to send me a very harsh email telling me how i'd never trusted him and that he'd never done anything, ever. It was a nasty defensive email which made me even more sure my gut feelings were bang on.

I think the lying when I confronted my husband and told him what I was feeling and why is what hurts the most. I literally felt like I was going insane. He did a similar thing when I told him he had to take the polygraph test, told me that this was going to ruin our marriage and that if I made him do this I wasn't going to believe the results etc. etc. I am glad I stuck to my guns and made him do the test, regardless of peoples opinions on if they are accurate. I don't know how I would have coped feeling like I didn't get the entire truth, and who knows if I really did, but having the extra info is helping me move on.

 

[WhyDoIFeelThisWay]

Maybe a new MC will help you get to the bottom of things. One of the tips in the books I've been reading is to try to figure out what set the stage for the A so you can endeavor to A-proof your marriage going forward (if you decide to stay).

Hang in there. I'm just over two weeks past D-Day and feeling a lot like you are. It's easily the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me and sometimes I look down at myself and marvel that I'm still alive. I hear it gets better.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this too! It sure sucks!

I really hope my husband can figure out why he did what he did, if he doesn't know why, then I don't know how this will end