Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Well i've been separated from my wife since the beginning of December after she cheated on me and left me for this man.
My heart truly has been broken as i was married to this woman for over 30 years and thought she was my best friend and soulmate.
It's hard enough to have someone leave you out of the blue just before Christmas and cheating on me takes it to a level i never knew would cause me so much pain. Initially i left the family home to live with my aunt thinking the wife would stay in the family home with our youngest daughter, as although my youngest daughter is an adult she's not domesticated at all and to my knowledge i thought they were close. However she couldn't leave the house fast enough to go and live with her spineless man.
My daughter was frightened living in the house by herself so i moved back into the family home and whilst i'm also not very domesticated we are managing.

I never thought i would see the day that she would choose another man over her own children as she always said that her little family meant the world to her, having said that she always said to me and other people that our marriage was rock solid.

She told me that she had sex with this man in a hotel which i just can't get out of my head so as you can imagine i did all the wrong things, some of which i'm not very proud of, the only thing keeping me going is that my son who is the youngest at 21 and my youngest daughter are not having any contact with their mother as they are far from happy with her.

I know she hates me and that it's completely over as even if against all the odds she wanted to come back i could never trust her as whilst she was seeing this man behind my back whilst i was at work she was snuggling up to me on the night times telling me that she loved me.

What i don't understand is why i miss her so much, i still break down and cry even though i've been on 100mg Sertraline since December. All it takes is for one of my children to say that their mom has tried to contact them or that their oldest sister has been putting me down and telling them how great their mom is and i get upset and angry.

Sorry for rambling on i just wanted to get things off my chest on here rather than putting my problems on my two children that are supporting me.

The only
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,604 Posts
Number one, shame on the oldest for supporting the cheater over you!

I don’t know that you are necessarily missing her specifically, but you for sure are grieving a huge loss. Everything about your life was made into a lie and turned upside down, so it’s only normal to grieve. You need to find things to do to keep yourself busy and otherwise occupied, so that you are not sitting and just dwelling on what’s happened. Make sure you’re exercising… Go for walks, go to the gym. Make some changes to the inside of your house, paint some rooms. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe an old hobby that you gave up years ago? I was the time to get back into it, or to put renewed effort into a current hobby. You need to take your focus off of her, because she does not deserve so much space in your head anymore. Getting good and pissed off would definitely help you with moving forward.

Giving yourself a chance to grieve is important, but it’s been four months now, so I think it’s getting to be time to start refocusing and getting your feet back underneath you. You are stronger than you realize.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
I feel your pain. I was married to my husband for 25 years. I made him go moving with his mother because he was acting a little strange. I thought that maybe after a month or two he'd come back and we could work on our marriage. But now he decided he can't picture himself back in this house. He kind of stayed silent for months and then just said to me while you didn't think I was going to come back after 3 months did you. Well an explanation of why he doesn't want to be with me anymore would be good after being married to someone that long. I'm having a difficult time moving on to. And I remember all the mean things he said to me and how I was neglected in my marriage. He never watched TV with me He never ate dinner with me and my daughter. He would come home walk around the kitchen all night drinking his beer and listening to music and that's it. Me and you will be better off without them and hopefully someday soon we both will realize that
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
877 Posts
My wife left for another man, (someone she knew in college), after 33 years. Walked away from her kids as well. I've had some of the same feelings. What I've come to realize is this, for 33 years, my first thoughts when I woke up in the morning was providing safety & security for my wife and kids. Part of your emotions are having to realize that everything you worked for has changed or is possibly gone. Your mourning losing your identity, not your cheating wife. I'm trying to figure out what my new purpose is. I am goal driven, and for 33 years it was taking care of wife & kids.

While I missed her for a while, I didn't want to play policeman every time her phone pinged a new message arrival.

Luckily, I am living in a house with two of my now grown kids & one of their fiancee's. I still cook supper on weeknights and grill & bake on the weekends. I'm counting my blessings that I still get to see my kids. Can't figure out why someone would walk away from their kids. Even dumber, I treated her too well. It wasn't like I was abusive or a addict.

It will get better. One day at a time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,794 Posts
The biological reason is because the neuro pathways in your brain have been trained to feel and associate happiness and comfort from any familiarity in you life which your wife was a huge part of, just like a trail is warn in the ground through a forest when people continue to walk on it. However in the same way just like a trail, the less you walk on it, or dwell on those feelings the better chance the foliage will grow over that trail. In the same way with time and mental discipline it will get easier.

Cheating add an extra layer to this. For one thing the end is usually sudden and stark so you haven't had time to mentally prepare for it. There is the feeling of rejection, and uncertainty that adds to it. It's one of the most (like top 3) traumatic experiences you can have, so don't feel bad if you are not over it as quick as you would like.

Here are lies you should avoid telling yourself.

This happened because I wasn't good enough.
If I had only did this she wouldn't have cheated.
Everyone cheats.
My only chance at happiness was with my ex wife.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't examine yourself for the next time to see if you can't do better, but being cheated on is no ones fault, its a manifestation of the person who cheats poor character nothing else.

Mostly though it just takes time. It will get better, and you will have joy again. Just continue to discipline your mind to prevent your mind from telling you those lies and by forcing it to think about the future not the past.

Oh and you are better off, one day you will know that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Thanks everyone for your input it's much appreciated. When this first happened i lost 5kgs/11lbs in weight along with a lot of strength, since then i have gained most of my weight back along with most of my strength as i do some weights at home so i have made some improvements even if they are only physical ones.

At the moment here in the UK as with everywhere else in the world we're on lock down and having to stick to social distancing however once it's all over i have decided to take up Brazilian jiu jitsu.
I'm hoping that this will give me something to new to focus on and make some new friends who won't know about my inability to keep my wife.

I just wished i knew what it is that i did that was so bad that my wife thought i deserved to be cheated on and humiliated after a life time together.

I would also like to know who's idea was it to go to a hotel for sex whilst i was at work and finally i would like to know if she cheated on me before this as she seems to have been able to walk away from our life very easily.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,845 Posts
I'm hoping that this will give me something to new to focus on and make some new friends who won't know about my inability to keep my wife.
Her cheating is not your shame to bear. You contributed to the marriage problems; but, the affair is all on her.

Take this time to learn the skills required on the domestic front so that you will be a fully functional adult. Also, it's high time your daughter learns how to take care of herself. If your wife had dropped dead, you'd all be in the same fix.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,108 Posts
Thanks everyone for your input it's much appreciated. When this first happened i lost 5kgs/11lbs in weight along with a lot of strength, since then i have gained most of my weight back along with most of my strength as i do some weights at home so i have made some improvements even if they are only physical ones.

At the moment here in the UK as with everywhere else in the world we're on lock down and having to stick to social distancing however once it's all over i have decided to take up Brazilian jiu jitsu.
I'm hoping that this will give me something to new to focus on and make some new friends who won't know about my inability to keep my wife.

I just wished i knew what it is that i did that was so bad that my wife thought i deserved to be cheated on and humiliated after a life time together.

I would also like to know who's idea was it to go to a hotel for sex whilst i was at work and finally i would like to know if she cheated on me before this as she seems to have been able to walk away from our life very easily.
Her affair had nothing to do with you. People cheat in happy marriages all the time. People don’t cheat in unhappy marriages all the time. Therefore, you didn’t drive her to cheat: she drove herself to cheat.

As to moving on, what I can say is the best revenge is truly living well. Truly focusing on being the person you want to be, growing, accepting happiness where you find it.

She didn’t humiliate you. She humiliated herself. You survived. That’s not something to be embarrassed of, it’s something to be proud of. I often think back to those painful moments all those years ago when times are bad, and I realize in those moments that if I survived that, I can survive anything.

And then I just put one foot in front of the other as best I can.

You’re going to get through this. You’re already past the worst of it. Just keep going through hell, just like Churchill said. Don’t turn back now.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,040 Posts
Unfortunately, you‘ll never know the answers to any of those questions. What I eventually accepted was that my ex-husband cheated because he felt entitled to. Sure, he had a long list of “reasons” that he cheated, most relating to issues from childhood, but the truth is that he wanted to cheat and he did. Same for your wife.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,604 Posts
I'm hoping that this will give me something to new to focus on and make some new friends who won't know about my inability to keep my wife.

I just wished i knew what it is that i did that was so bad that my wife thought i deserved to be cheated on and humiliated after a life time together.

I would also like to know who's idea was it to go to a hotel for sex whilst i was at work and finally i would like to know if she cheated on me before this as she seems to have been able to walk away from our life very easily.
These are the thoughts you need to shake off. Number one, her cheating had nothing to do with you. That was her choice... not a mistake, not an accident... but a decision made consciously and selfishly on purpose. Number two, you will never have the answers as to why she did or how could she do the things she did. You will never get the truth from her, ever. The sooner you accept that truth, the sooner you start moving forward. Just know that there is nothing you could have done that would have made her different.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Mine did the same and worse. We still fight today even though its been 5 years hahaha Just move on your kids are older, I still have a 10 yr old so it makes it tough. Just move on , You have to fight to move on. I was devastated, and even had a stroke after , but fact is my life is much better. I feel disrupted but this is so normal Ive realized that its part of marriage. Like death is part of life, divorce is part of marriage . its rare to go all the way
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top