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I find myself always thinking of the A my W had. She and i want to put it in the past. we are over 5 years into a R and i cant let go. I have been to IC and MC off and on. i just cant seem to let it go. i get triggered and spiral from there. i make list of why i shoud stay and why i should go. my stay list out weighs my go list. we never argue, we enjoy the same things and have a wonderful time doing them and that will trigger me. i will say to myself, why if we have such a good time,why did she stray. its just hard and years dont help. we have so much going our way and im not happy.i have been months with not even thinking of it and then like a ton brick im slapped back to d-day. i have tried to leave and the kid break my heart. sometimes i feel like im stuck because of the kids, they want us together. we are 33 and will be 100% debt free at 35. we will own our home, cars and business. our close friends have money problems and argue over it all the time.we give them financial advice. i grew up in a home that had financial problem, i promised never to have that problem. sometimes i think thats my biggest trigger. i worked all my 20s to get a home, have a family, provided a childhood she and i never had and then get slapped in the face. I could type for years but i will stop u get the point. i want to leave then i cant it will break her heart my heart and the kids heart. i know with the money i make i would never be alone . my wife is 100x more attractive than i. i know she is not in it for the money because we got married young and built all this together. I just cant grasp if we have all this why did she stray. if she loves me why did she do it. its just hard is all i can say.she has told me 1000x if she could go back and change it she would but it dont help.
 

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Man it's amazing how so many stories are alike. Did you ever get a good reason from her why she did it, or what was going thru her mind during it? I know this is what drives me insane. She doesn't give me a very clear or reasonable answer, and I feel like it completely prevents my having any closure.
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What have you done to recover?

Has your WW been an open book so you can verify NC?

Was the affair fully exposed?

Did WW send a NC letter?

Has WW answered all your questions about the affair?

Do you still talk about the affair with WW?

Was/is OM a coworker, neighbor, live close by, did the affair take place in your home, car?

Did you get the book Surviving An Affair.

 

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Discussion Starter #4
Dear Cheese puff: I think you should be ON counseling and never off.

It has been 5 years and yet the pain sounds as if it just happened yesterday - not an attack - an acknowledgement of your pain, of what you have described.

You are stuck in what I call a holding pattern - but I usually think that should be over with - like you've landed - after 5 years. Not that the pain ever totally disappears, but it should be so much more diluted after 5 years, which leads me to believe you need help from a professional. This is a great site and there are a lot of professionals here that want to help...You say money is no problem, well put your money where your mouth is and type to them for a few days and let it all out. Then do us a favor and come back and tell us how it went. For me, money is more of a problem, but if it's not for you - use your money WISELY and helping yourself come to terms with your pain is money wisely spent, no?
i have done this i will do good for 6 months not even think about the A and then out of no where it hits me. i think my largest problem is the guy who she cheated with. we live in a small town everybody knows everybody. this guy is married he has decated his life to screwing married women. i confronted him one day he denided it all. then he started to give me advice tell me my problem is i trust people. then he follows my wife and confronts her for telling me everything. from what ppl have told me he always keeps a mistress on the side, they are always married. i know 3 ladies he has had a A with. all them tell me the same thing. he destroyed there family and then moved own. some times i think i know to much about him. i ask my wife what attracted her to him. she told me he was always well dressed, organized, clean cut, ect. this bothers me because i feel i am not up to par on those things. i shower everyday i dont stink but i repair manufacturing machines. i cant be well dressed everyday, i get dirty, my hands are stained and rough.
 

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You're not going to like this but I think you need to move. That or run the OM out of town.
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I am going to throw this out there. She strayed for a reason, something was wrong, to her, in the marriage. What was that? has it been addressed, talked about, confronted?

The why it's eating you up, because her cheating doesn't make sense. Why did she do it, there is a reason. Rather she was lonely, bored, unhappy, thought she was ignored, thought you were not there enough, wanted some excitement, whatever it is has to be addressed. Note, these are not excuses, just HER reasons for cheating. Are those reasons still present?

I don't think she did it because he dressed well. She found something in him that she was missing in the marriage! Discover it see if you can live with it, and then you can hopefully move on from there.

I bet you are closer to resolving this then you think.
 

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Realize that people also stray just to cake eat. It is easy to be the OM.
Until the angry BH finds them.

Is your life back to what it was before the affair? Or is it different?
Because it should be different. She should be busy being the perfect wife to you still.
 

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i ask my wife what attracted her to him. she told me he was always well dressed, organized, clean cut, ect. this bothers me because i feel i am not up to par on those things. i shower everyday i dont stink but i repair manufacturing machines. i cant be well dressed everyday, i get dirty, my hands are stained and rough.
This is one possible answer. The reason your wife gave you for her cheating is that he is something that you cannot be. You are afraid she will do it again with the next well dressed, clean cut, organized man she has contact with.

This is the dumbest reason I have ever heard from a cheater and it did not satisfy you. You really do need to dig deeper. IF this truly is the reason that your wife cheated, she is one shallow person and probably will do it again.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
well dressed is just what caught her eye. then it went from there. she never said thats why she cheated just what go the ball rolling. im still young i just dont want to be like this 30 years from now.
 

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What have you done to recover?

Has your WW been an open book so you can verify NC?

Was the affair fully exposed?

Did WW send a NC letter?

Has WW answered all your questions about the affair?

Do you still talk about the affair with WW?

Was/is OM a coworker, neighbor, live close by, did the affair take place in your home, car?

Did you get the book Surviving An Affair.
well dressed is just what caught her eye. then it went from there. she never said thats why she cheated just what go the ball rolling. im still young i just dont want to be like this 30 years from now.
Cheesepuff doesn't want to do what has to be done. He will not respond to my post because to do so he will have to acknowledge is all that he is doing is throwing a pity/vent party.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
What have you done to recover?

Has your WW been an open book so you can verify NC? YES!!!! she has been so open and i have veryfied 1000X VAR GPS hole 9 yards.

Was the affair fully exposed? Yes his wife and i both know, i dont talk about it among friends and family

Did WW send a NC letter?No i had never heard of one 5 years ago untill i got on here 3 years ago.

Has WW answered all your questions about the affair?Yes but one. she cant explain why she did it. we can talk about it but its like she cant give me a definite answer. he was nice looking agressive and she tought she liked that but the guilt overwhelmed her.

Do you still talk about the affair with WW?Yes alot.to the point i think i push her away

Was/is OM a coworker, neighbor, live close by, did the affair take place in your home, car? coworker, but she left her job because our MC told us that the only way a R could take place. first night was at motel then rest of the time his autobody shop. my wife resorted to having sex on a air matress in a paint shop.

Did you get the book Surviving An Affair no but i will.
 

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I never got over my ex wife's affair. I had to leave after 8 years of thinking about it. I was 30 at the time and still young.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I never got over my ex wife's affair. I had to leave after 8 years of thinking about it. I was 30 at the time and still young.
do u have kids together. the reason i still hold on. we dont argue infront of them, they have no idea what went on. our son would just be destroyed. he would demand a answer why we split. it would be a huge change for him. i am scared what it may do to him. he will be blind sided
 

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Cheese, you keep struggling with the "why", as if it were somehow your fault. It wasn't. It was hers. Only she can tell you why, but she may not know the answer. You mention that you have been in counseling. Has she? If not I'd suggest that. She may then be able to discover what it was/is within her that allowed her to do this terrible thing. By the way, my W's affair occurred in 2003; I still have times when I trigger, but the pain is much less severe, and I have worked out ways to deal w/ it.
 

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Cheesepuff, I cant really offer any advice , only wanted to say that I am 3 years out and I am completely miserable still. Atleast it seems like your wife wants things to get better, maybe?! (Im not there so I dont know how she is all the time). And the OM....he's just a *********, he had no intentions with your wife except to make her a notch on his bed post. I wonder if she realizes that now, or does she think she meant something to him?

If she is trying to make things better and move on and she is being transparent then you are going to have to figure out a way to let it go.....even if you have to look at it like a day at a time.

My husband hasnt been transparent, says he is but NOPE! I dont know if the A is over, at this point he could have started another one? I dont feel loved or valued by him, yet he says he loves me. Sometimes I think I just need/want too much but really is asking to feel loved after being dropped off at the dump too much to ask for? I think not!

Good luck!! I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone....well maybe the OW (in your case...the OM)
 

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Cheesepuff doesn't want to do what has to be done. He will not respond to my post because to do so he will have to acknowledge is all that he is doing is throwing a pity/vent party.

geesh dude ease up and give him some time to respond! We don't all have TAM up and running 24/7. :scratchhead:
 

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do u have kids together. the reason i still hold on. we dont argue infront of them, they have no idea what went on. our son would just be destroyed. he would demand a answer why we split. it would be a huge change for him. i am scared what it may do to him. he will be blind sided
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dude, one thing you should NEVER do is act impulsively without true reflection. I could be wrong but to me it appears you stay for more then just the kids, you stay because you love her which is, ok. Love is not like a faucet you can turn off and on at a whim!

The reality of having an A is the chances are you will NEVER forget, PERIOD!! But just like everything else in life given a remorseful WS and the right circumstances R has a good chance. You have to realize that there may never be an answer that completely answers your question. There are those who try to narrow down the reasons someone have an A but sometimes we just don't know and neither does the WS.

There is no secret to this type of healing, if there was I would not have vivid memories of my ex misdeeds from 5 years ago.

You want it to go away.....not going to happen! If you have no success with your current counselor time to find another one to help you deal with the triggers and put them into perspective. This will help you make a decision that is best for you and your kids.

Good luck!
 
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